Close friend uninvited me from 30th because of my ex

[AlenaMacc]

It’s a long story so please bear with me.

One of my closest friends is celebrating her 30th birthday this Saturday and has invited me to the party (I live abroad so it was amazing luck that I happened to be here for it). I told her I’ll come at 7pm after I BF my 10-month old before his bedtime, after which I’ll leave him with my parents and join the celebration.

However, yesterday she rang me and told me that she completely forgot about it, but before knowing I was going to be here for her celebration, she invited my ex boyfriend. She asked me if I had any issues with this, and I told her I have none whatsoever - the whole thing seems like a lifetime ago to me and I have long since moved on with my life. She told me that she’ll ask my ex as well as she doesn’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable.

She then called me back and said that he apparently has an issue with me being there and asked me to come earlier and leave before he arrives. However this is not an option for me as the birthday location is out of town, and this coincides with my baby’s dinner/bath/BF/bedtime routine. She’s not close to my ex at all whilst me and her are very very close so I expected her to say “okay then, just come as we discussed originally and your ex can grow up and sort himself out” or something of the sort.

However, she then told me “that’s okay, we can meet on Monday instead”. I then told her that I really want to be there and that it’s really shitty that we have to allow his behaviour and let it get in the way of us celebrating together. She essentially told me that she feels really bad that she invited him and had she known that he’ll be like that, she wouldn’t have and that some people don’t grow up. I made it a point that I really want to be there and his behaviour is infuriating but she ended the conversation by saying “don’t be angry, I really wanted you to be here as well but what can you do”.

A bit of backstory - me and my ex dated in high school for 2.5years (this was 10 years ago). The breakup was very messy and he took it very badly. Fast forward to 10yrs later, I have long forgotten about this, have dated many men since, gotten married, had children etc. He however apparently has only just started dating somebody, his first gf since our break up.

My friend isn’t at all close with my ex - her fiancé used to be in the same friend circle with my ex in high school, but haven’t kept in touch since. Recently they went out once with him and his new GF and my friend decided to invite them to her birthday on the spur of the moment. However, my friend is one of my closest ones, she was my bridesmaid, we are in a very close friend circle, we’ve been through a lot together, etc.

I can’t stop thinking about this since it happened yesterday - I feel betrayed, I feel like she chose my ex instead of me, I can’t believe that she essentially uninvited me from her 30th because of someone whom she only saw once recently. I felt very hurt yesterday and came to the conclusion that her friendship with me is not a priority to her anymore and that I should accept it and move on. My other friends think that I should give her a chance and speak to her about it, however I don’t want to ruin her 30th and I also don’t know if there’s anything that she can say that will fix this for me. At the same time I am wondering if I am just overreacting. AIBU?

He's being controlling, the same way he was when you were together. He's controlling your friend and who she can invite and if you let it end your friendship he's controlling that too. The real problem here is him, not her. Meet her on the Monday, have a pleasant time and move on knowing that breaking up with him was the best decision you ever made.

I would get a mutual friend to have a word with her myself! This is ridiculous.

Well given that back story I would text her and say something like:

wow he’s still controlling after all these years huh? I wont be there until after XYZ time as I’ll do the kids bedtime first, so I’ll see you then. If he wants to avoid me he can leave before I arrive.

You aren't the one with the problem but because your ex is stroppy and you are reasonable your friend has decided that you can "take one for the team" as you're the one who won't kick off.

Exactly this.

It's exactly what happened to me. Two of my friends stopped inviting me to group social occasions because it would upset my ex and he'd have another one of his breakdowns. They were both dictated to by their husbands who told them they had to invite their friend (my ex) instead of me, even if it was my friends birthday or celebration.

Nobody cared how much it hurt me to know they were all out celebrating birthdays etc.
One of the friends I met a uni and introduced her to her husband!

Best thing I ever did was walk away from all of them.

I like this.

How I ended things with my ex: He became more and more controlling, he got mad when I got out with my girlfriends, had fun without him, etc. Issues started arising in our relationship which he didn’t want to discuss at all. I tried numerous times to initiate discussions but he would just turn around and ignore me. A few months of this (3-4 to be exact) and my feelings for him started dwindling.

So your so-called friend knows all this and still pandered to his ego by basically uninviting you?

She is no friend, OP. Don’t give her the satisfaction of maintaining a quasi friendship. And if your friends ask, tell them what she’s done as well so she gets shown up to be the twat she is.

I think insisting on going looks desperate and will make the situation even worse. It could blow up into a huge row, which is fine, but he gets the last laugh then. I think dignified acceptance is the way to go personally. She clearly doesn't want op there!!

Whilst I totally sympathise with how hurt you feel, and I don't think your friend has handled it well at all, I still do have a lot of sympathy for her.

Social etiquette can be really hard to navigate, and from her point of view she almost certainly thinks she's doing the right thing because she invited them first and you second so it would be very awkward and rude to uninvite them now. She probably feels like she's stuck between a rock and a hard place and whatever she does she's going to come across as rude and upset people. Maybe she doesn't want to cause upset between her fiancé and your ex (even if they don't see each other that much now, they might still consider themselves good friends).

If I were you personally I would just swallow my disappointment and meet her on Monday and have as nice a time as possible.

Does your friend know you split up because he was controlling? If not it is time to tell her. It sounds like he hasn't changed.

I would be pointing out just how hurtful her behaviour is to you and how she is enabling him to continue to try to control and abuse you by pandering to him.

I would then decide what to do with tge friendship based on her response. I would probably meet up on Monday if she apologised and acknowledged the hurt she caused.

This. Also really odd that it’s one of your closest friends OP and you didn’t mention her 30th birthday at all when you messaged her - you say that you weren’t sure if she would be doing something intimate but surely you’d ask? Like ‘so what are your plans for the big 3-0?!’ Or something idk.

it just feels like you’re acting quite offended about being uninvited but it doesn’t sound like you made a lot of effort around her birthday either? It wasn’t like you suggested plans to do with her even before you knew about the party. Wouldn’t you have said ‘I’m not sure what you’ve got planned but let’s do something for your birthday, drinks and dinner?’ even!

SillySausage81 I agree.

From your last update it sounds like your friend has been playing both sides and is a bit two faced. Maybe she wanted to stay friends with people who sided with him? I think she’s trying to control a situation where it might come out that she’s been saying one thing to you and something else to other people.

Unfortunately you see this a lot when someone feels stuck in the middle. Rather than confronting the issue, they try to persuade the reasonable person to back down - the squeaky wheel gets the grease, as the saying goes. It’s the path of least resistance.

OP - I would go on Monday. You’ve been friends for a long time and it would be a shame to throw that away without at least having a conversation. Tell her you’re confused as you thought your ex was a mere acquaintance, so you don’t really understand why his feelings came before yours. Maybe she’ll be shocked you were so upset and will apologise; maybe she’ll admit he’s a closer friend than she made out. She might even get in a huff because she thinks you’re trying to dictate things - in which case she probably isn’t the friend you thought she was. But at least you’ll know. If you don’t at least try to find out, all you’ll have is assumptions.

@AlenaMacc

I wouldn't bother meeting up with her TBH she has chosen who to be friends with and that's him.

If I was in this situation I would have said to him Alena Macc is coming so it's up to you if you still want to come.

I bet the ex is feeling so powerful. He had the decision over whether you came or not. Poorly handled by your friend.
What happens at her wedding or any other big event in the future? He gets control over you again. Time your friend ended this silly nonsense before it gets a hold.

He is the one with the issue so he's the one who needs to work around your plans not the other way around.

Really? Because it sounds deranged to me.

I was expecting you to say he was the father of your baby! How fucking weird.

I’d put a fiver on the fact his new Mrs is her friend or that they’re sleeping together.

stay well away op.

I would see it as a betrayal too. She obviously cares more that he's there instead of you. I'd back away and stop seeing her. I'd message her telling her that, so it's clear why you've gone quiet. She is allowing your ex to control the situation and hurt you. Why?! Surely you come first, because you're mates?! I'm sorry to say, she must have a low opinion of you, to treat you this way.

Can't help but wonder if your friend's other half is more pally with your ex that she's letting on and so she's trying not to rock the boat, at your expense!

Either way, I wouldn't be going to her party and I certainly wouldn't be meeting her afterwards.

She's treating you poorly, she knows it and she wants to meet so she feels better about it. You do not have to give her the chance to ease her guilt. Plus, if you try to be the bigger person she'll probably think you're ok with it and then talk about her party, which would give me the absolute rage!!

Plan something fun with your little one for Monday. Go do something you love with those who do prioritise you and try not to think about the situation.

I agree it's awkward for the friend.
But, its her birthday. Her party. She can invite whoever she wants. Any of her guests could potentially be exes or have a history. It's not her job to police it. The ex should be able to handle himself as a grown up. That's life.

Jesus wept, it sounds like this friend is still functioning in high school mode. Ringing around to check that ex partners of TEN YEARS AGO can be in the same room at her party?! (Presumably nothing like DV or other v bad behaviour involved which would give genuine reason).

She has every right as the birthday girl to invite who she wants, but i suspect she has not been honest with you in explaining why your ex gets the spot and, as a close friend; she appears blind to the impact on you.

OP you have grown up and moved on past this and I’d be very tempted to tell her that. I wouldn’t do it before the party obviously. However, I think I’d decline the offer to meet on Monday and spend the time with family and friends who matter.

After your update it seems that your ex hasn't changed much OP and is still a controlling asshat. However sorry to say but it definitely sounds as if your friend just didn't really want you there either.

Tell your friend you're sorry she doesn't value your friendshup more but you've actually grown up and aren't in the country long so have no interest in playing highschool games or wasting time on people who don't care for your company. Life's too short. Don't give it another thought x

It sounds like a really toxic situation all round. I would be considering letting her go as a friend, especially because I don't think she's as close to you as you think. I feel that mentions of your ex will just keep coming up now and it's going to get more and more awkward. Like others have said, he's clearly closer to her and her partner than she's letting on.

You friend needs to contact your ex and say that you WILL be going.

It's down to him if he wants to stay away or leave when you arrive!