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AIBU?

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Original poster

Close friend uninvited me from 30th because of my ex

321 replies

AlenaMacc · 01/09/2022 05:56

It’s a long story so please bear with me.

One of my closest friends is celebrating her 30th birthday this Saturday and has invited me to the party (I live abroad so it was amazing luck that I happened to be here for it). I told her I’ll come at 7pm after I BF my 10-month old before his bedtime, after which I’ll leave him with my parents and join the celebration.

However, yesterday she rang me and told me that she completely forgot about it, but before knowing I was going to be here for her celebration, she invited my ex boyfriend. She asked me if I had any issues with this, and I told her I have none whatsoever - the whole thing seems like a lifetime ago to me and I have long since moved on with my life. She told me that she’ll ask my ex as well as she doesn’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable.

She then called me back and said that he apparently has an issue with me being there and asked me to come earlier and leave before he arrives. However this is not an option for me as the birthday location is out of town, and this coincides with my baby’s dinner/bath/BF/bedtime routine. She’s not close to my ex at all whilst me and her are very very close so I expected her to say “okay then, just come as we discussed originally and your ex can grow up and sort himself out” or something of the sort.

However, she then told me “that’s okay, we can meet on Monday instead”. I then told her that I really want to be there and that it’s really shitty that we have to allow his behaviour and let it get in the way of us celebrating together. She essentially told me that she feels really bad that she invited him and had she known that he’ll be like that, she wouldn’t have and that some people don’t grow up. I made it a point that I really want to be there and his behaviour is infuriating but she ended the conversation by saying “don’t be angry, I really wanted you to be here as well but what can you do”.

A bit of backstory - me and my ex dated in high school for 2.5years (this was 10 years ago). The breakup was very messy and he took it very badly. Fast forward to 10yrs later, I have long forgotten about this, have dated many men since, gotten married, had children etc. He however apparently has only just started dating somebody, his first gf since our break up.

My friend isn’t at all close with my ex - her fiancé used to be in the same friend circle with my ex in high school, but haven’t kept in touch since. Recently they went out once with him and his new GF and my friend decided to invite them to her birthday on the spur of the moment. However, my friend is one of my closest ones, she was my bridesmaid, we are in a very close friend circle, we’ve been through a lot together, etc.

I can’t stop thinking about this since it happened yesterday - I feel betrayed, I feel like she chose my ex instead of me, I can’t believe that she essentially uninvited me from her 30th because of someone whom she only saw once recently. I felt very hurt yesterday and came to the conclusion that her friendship with me is not a priority to her anymore and that I should accept it and move on. My other friends think that I should give her a chance and speak to her about it, however I don’t want to ruin her 30th and I also don’t know if there’s anything that she can say that will fix this for me. At the same time I am wondering if I am just overreacting. AIBU?

OP posts:
brookstar · 01/09/2022 06:39

She's not a good friend.

I had a similar situation (although I had been married to my ex). Two of my friends just stopped inviting me to things because my ex apparently couldn't cope with seeing me even though we'd both re-married and had children.

We're not friends anymore.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 01/09/2022 06:40

I've been in the awkward situation of having to dodge any gatherings my ex was at, I just couldn't bear to be around him and wouldn't enjoy myself at all. However, I accepted that was MY issue, not the host's, and I simply wouldn't go if he was going. Wouldn't dream of trying to get the host involved and making them pick a side or juggle things so we didn't cross paths. Your ex is being a complete dick.

If your friend knows your break up story and knows that you aren't carrying any baggage and would be fine with seeing him, the whole thing feels a bit like a set up.

Rtmhwales · 01/09/2022 06:41

AlexClo · 01/09/2022 06:22

YABU Just let your friends celebrate her birthday with whoever she wants. She's clearly close with your ex now & cares about his feelings too - and you're feelings do not trump his.
You're not entitled to go to a specific party/celebration.
She has offered you alternative times to celebrate, accept one of those and let your friend enjoy her birthday celebrations.

I disagree. I also wouldn't be going Monday. It's up to her who she invites and she invited both of you only to rescind that because he told her to. Over something so ridiculous.

I'd just say you're no longer available Monday and let the friendship fade. You're obviously not a priority to her.

buzzbuzzybuzz · 01/09/2022 06:41

I thought this was going to be about a recent break up but no, 10 years on and he still holds a grudge?! What on earth happened!

bevelino · 01/09/2022 06:42

OP I have never heard of anyone prioritising a guy they barely know over a close friend and there is clearly more to this. How do you know his dating history over the last ten years? Perhaps your friend is aware that you are keeping tabs on him and is concerned about drama at the party.

bevelino · 01/09/2022 06:42

OP I have never heard of anyone prioritising a guy they barely know over a close friend and there is clearly more to this. How do you know his dating history over the last ten years? Perhaps your friend is aware that you are keeping tabs on him and is concerned about drama at the party.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 01/09/2022 06:44

NameChangex3 · 01/09/2022 06:05

She obviously does not value the friendship as you do. And surely she knows how shitty she's being. She's playing dumb.

She is obviously friends with him or his gf

luxxlisbon · 01/09/2022 06:44

I really don’t know why so many people are saying to cancel Monday and never see her again, this sounds so dramatic and I wonder how anyone maintains friendships by flying off the handle like that.

She is clearly friends with your ex more than you think, they went to dinner, she met his gf, that doesn’t happen if you aren’t that close. Maybe she knows his gf, maybe her partner is friends with the ex, either way she probably sees him more than you due to you living abroad.

She invited the ex first, he accepted and it was a coincidence that down the line you happened to be in the country at the same time as the party. If you flew back specifically to celebrate that’s different but your OP makes it clear that’s not the case.

Your friend is stuck between a rock and a hard place and has two friends with an awkward history. One was clearly massively affected by the breakup and doesn’t feel comfortable socialising with you. She invited him first.

Just see her on Monday and stop pushing the issue, she doesn’t want to uninvite him or make him uncomfortable. She can be friends with you both at the same time, she doesn’t need to pick sides.

Comtesse · 01/09/2022 06:46

Oh dear she has handled that badly - real shame for you.

Longdistance · 01/09/2022 06:46

Monday - Oh dear, sorry friend, can’t meet now, baby is unwell. Maybe next time I’m back we’ll meet up.
Save yourself some money on a present for someone who’s clearly wasting your time. The ex sounds like a prick and needs to move on with his life. He’d probably faint if he saw you with the baby if he’s been licking his wounds for that long.

Meraas · 01/09/2022 06:46

bevelino · 01/09/2022 06:42

OP I have never heard of anyone prioritising a guy they barely know over a close friend and there is clearly more to this. How do you know his dating history over the last ten years? Perhaps your friend is aware that you are keeping tabs on him and is concerned about drama at the party.

What a bizarre post. She doesn’t know his entire dating history. OP says ‘He however apparently has only just started dating somebody, his first gf since our break up.’ They were in high school together, a mutual friend must have told OP.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 01/09/2022 06:46

One was clearly massively affected by the breakup and doesn’t feel comfortable socialising with you. She invited him first.

It's been 10 years. He's fucking pathetic. She's encouraging his shitty behaviour and choosing to pander to him rather than see her friend who doesn't get to come over often.

Starryskiesinthesky · 01/09/2022 06:47

I disagree with most posters. She had already invited him and then when you were coming (I am assuming this was a late decision) she knew it would be difficult. Although you are disappointed and kept saying you want to go then she would have to go back to him and tell him not to come if he doesn't want to see you and that sounds a bit unfair. And yes, if they have been out to dinner then they must be closer than you say.

although you say about not being able to go earlier, surely you could if you really wanted to. Bathing feeding etc doesn't all need to be done exactly the same time. You could be more flexible.

must admit tho I don't know that I would feel like meeting up on the Monday!

MRex · 01/09/2022 06:48

You seem to think you know what he's been doing in the past 10 years and the exact extent of his and his new girlfriend's friendship with your friend and your friend's fiance. That seems extremely unlikely all round. You simply don't know, and you're judging your friend based on assumptions. Your friend has been clear that he is the one with a preferential invite, so just stay home or meet other friends. It's fine for you to decide not to make efforts to see her again, and even to stop being her friend, because clearly you don't have priority in her life over your ex. It's up to you really.

Meraas · 01/09/2022 06:49

luxxlisbon · 01/09/2022 06:44

I really don’t know why so many people are saying to cancel Monday and never see her again, this sounds so dramatic and I wonder how anyone maintains friendships by flying off the handle like that.

She is clearly friends with your ex more than you think, they went to dinner, she met his gf, that doesn’t happen if you aren’t that close. Maybe she knows his gf, maybe her partner is friends with the ex, either way she probably sees him more than you due to you living abroad.

She invited the ex first, he accepted and it was a coincidence that down the line you happened to be in the country at the same time as the party. If you flew back specifically to celebrate that’s different but your OP makes it clear that’s not the case.

Your friend is stuck between a rock and a hard place and has two friends with an awkward history. One was clearly massively affected by the breakup and doesn’t feel comfortable socialising with you. She invited him first.

Just see her on Monday and stop pushing the issue, she doesn’t want to uninvite him or make him uncomfortable. She can be friends with you both at the same time, she doesn’t need to pick sides.

OP says they went out, not that they went for dinner. It could have been for drinks with other friends.

Bindayagain · 01/09/2022 06:50

She's choosing to upset the person who lives away and she won't run into all the time, rather than the person who lives nearby and presumably has friends or family who would also be upset "on his behalf". I can see why to be honest. I'd meet her on the Monday and judge how close I'd want to be after that depending on what is said. I assume ex is still rather in love with OP.

Onlyforcake · 01/09/2022 06:53

I wouldn't cancel Monday but I wouldn't pursue it chances are this "friend" won't take the lead on booking it as she has not too subtly ditched your friendship.

jinglejanglemorning · 01/09/2022 06:55

How horrible for you, OP. A similar thing happened to me a long time ago. I shrugged it off and felt a bit miffed. In the end it proved to be the beginning of the end of that friendship.

I'm still with my now-husband, no idea about my ex but he did go on to have kids with the girlfriend he had at the time so it was a load of drama over nothing really, but that's unfortunately how it goes sometimes.

Sling · 01/09/2022 06:55

Hmm so I have a similar back story, an ex took our breakup very badly - and I do mean very badly. In hindsight our breakup was a catalyst to many other issues, but at the time and for a long time the focus was about our breakup. Equally I've moved on and indeed away from the area whilst he has taken longer to. Friendship circles even now are impacted, but honestly it was so bad I would never do anything to impact him again (not my ego btw just a reflection on how tough life can be for another human being)

I think you need to see this as a one off fuck up on invites and don't start over thinking this. See her on Monday, be friends then go home to what sounds like a settled life abroad. Next time you're home see how things lie, could be he's more settled in his new relationship by then, could be friendship groups have changed. It's ok to be hurt but there really isn't a need to break off a long friendship over this.

FreudayNight · 01/09/2022 06:56

I have said that I think YABU, which is not to say that I disagree on him being an absolute child.

maybe she invited him first/he replied first and she is keeping a strict order on it.

But the conversation you describe feels quite pressurized and a bit manipulative TBH and I really wouldn’t be impressed without it at all. If your friend was asked “how did she react when you told her?” the answer you want her to give is “She thinks he’s a baby, and was breezy about Monday.” Instead you have created a situation where she can say “She was really pushy about coming and it sounded like she wanted to confront him.” So it makes me wonder about your role in the Messy and whether you accidentally create and amplify drama.

RampantIvy · 01/09/2022 06:58

Uninviting someone to a party is a shitty thing to do. I hope you haven't bought an expensive present.

Sorryisjustaword · 01/09/2022 07:04

Sadly I think that although you have very fond memories of how close you were, now that you live abroad she has other friends that she sees more often and one of them is your ex.
I think you being in the same country at the same time as her birthday has thrown her, she has made a suggestion that she thinks is going to make her party easier and has also offered some time alone with her on the Monday. She is trying her best, but she also has her local friends to think of and doesn’t want a scene at her 30th.
Dont overthink it, your being there is awkward for her and she is trying to make it easier. When you go back home she will be the one left here.

Longdistance · 01/09/2022 07:05

It’s a real pain too. When you come back from where you live you’ve already made plans to fit different people in and time is finite when you’re back. I get it. Really horrible behaviour from her. I hope her birthday’s shit and he doesn’t turn up.

ItsSnowJokes · 01/09/2022 07:07

Sack off the "friend" I wouldn't be able to come back from that with her. Seems to me she is closer to ex than she is letting on and wants the path of least resistance. Dumping you would probably be less hassle as she thinks you are such good friends you won't have a go at her, where as the ex will probably kick off so she has chosen the easier path. That isn't someone you want in your life.

BloodyCamping · 01/09/2022 07:10

what A crazy thing to do, she should have text him that you’ll be at the party from x time and let him make his own mind up about what he wanted to do. I’m not surprised you’re upset. You’re bottom of the pile and your feelings are irrelevant to her despite you valuing the friendship and it being incredibly difficult to see each other. I think I would take the hint and end the friendship.