Close friend uninvited me from 30th because of my ex

[AlenaMacc]

It’s a long story so please bear with me.

One of my closest friends is celebrating her 30th birthday this Saturday and has invited me to the party (I live abroad so it was amazing luck that I happened to be here for it). I told her I’ll come at 7pm after I BF my 10-month old before his bedtime, after which I’ll leave him with my parents and join the celebration.

However, yesterday she rang me and told me that she completely forgot about it, but before knowing I was going to be here for her celebration, she invited my ex boyfriend. She asked me if I had any issues with this, and I told her I have none whatsoever - the whole thing seems like a lifetime ago to me and I have long since moved on with my life. She told me that she’ll ask my ex as well as she doesn’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable.

She then called me back and said that he apparently has an issue with me being there and asked me to come earlier and leave before he arrives. However this is not an option for me as the birthday location is out of town, and this coincides with my baby’s dinner/bath/BF/bedtime routine. She’s not close to my ex at all whilst me and her are very very close so I expected her to say “okay then, just come as we discussed originally and your ex can grow up and sort himself out” or something of the sort.

However, she then told me “that’s okay, we can meet on Monday instead”. I then told her that I really want to be there and that it’s really shitty that we have to allow his behaviour and let it get in the way of us celebrating together. She essentially told me that she feels really bad that she invited him and had she known that he’ll be like that, she wouldn’t have and that some people don’t grow up. I made it a point that I really want to be there and his behaviour is infuriating but she ended the conversation by saying “don’t be angry, I really wanted you to be here as well but what can you do”.

A bit of backstory - me and my ex dated in high school for 2.5years (this was 10 years ago). The breakup was very messy and he took it very badly. Fast forward to 10yrs later, I have long forgotten about this, have dated many men since, gotten married, had children etc. He however apparently has only just started dating somebody, his first gf since our break up.

My friend isn’t at all close with my ex - her fiancé used to be in the same friend circle with my ex in high school, but haven’t kept in touch since. Recently they went out once with him and his new GF and my friend decided to invite them to her birthday on the spur of the moment. However, my friend is one of my closest ones, she was my bridesmaid, we are in a very close friend circle, we’ve been through a lot together, etc.

I can’t stop thinking about this since it happened yesterday - I feel betrayed, I feel like she chose my ex instead of me, I can’t believe that she essentially uninvited me from her 30th because of someone whom she only saw once recently. I felt very hurt yesterday and came to the conclusion that her friendship with me is not a priority to her anymore and that I should accept it and move on. My other friends think that I should give her a chance and speak to her about it, however I don’t want to ruin her 30th and I also don’t know if there’s anything that she can say that will fix this for me. At the same time I am wondering if I am just overreacting. AIBU?

Now others have highlighted you are back for a visit is it that you kind of assumed you'd be attending as you were back but she'd already made plans based on you not being around? I agree she has got herself into a awkward situation and is trying to make it work. How often are you back at home, how long have you been away ? Maybe you haven't realised her life and your friendship have moved on. This might be a reality check. Sounds really hard.

Oh that’s horrible! I would send her a message on Monday (you are right to let her celebrate her birthday without creating extra drama) saying you don’t want to meet up and explain how hurt you are. Honestly really horrible behaviour from her I personally would have stated to both sides “by the way A is coming just so you’re aware” wouldn’t have given either the option to veto them coming. I’ve just really thought about it and I actually
cant believe it I’m imagining my best friend / bridesmaid telling me I couldn’t come to something because of an ex and it’s laughable and we’ve always lived cities apart.
you have your own choices to make but yeah I would be taking a break from friendship and telling them why.

If I knew my ex was invited to a party I was going to I would absolutely choose not to go (I wouldn't insist that they uninvited another guest) - especially if I wasn't that close to the party host.

As someone who was treated very badly by my ex, I would not ever choose to be in the same room as him again, regardless of time elapsed or the fact that we've both happily moved on. Sometimes things really are that shit!

I can only assume, as pp have said then, that he's closer to your friend than she's let on, bearing in mind he hasn't chosen to pull out himself. Either that or he's a vindictive prick?

In which case I'd meet up on Monday and try to have a more in depth conversation about it and express your hurt then.

Probably not worth ditching the friendship at this stage. I'd go Monday and see what she's got to say and take it from there.

She's not your friend.

Your friend is in an awkward situation. It is not caused by you and it feels unfair that you are the one who has to miss out on the celebration BUT I don't think she is being unreasonable. I wouldn't give up on a friendship with someone who cared about other people (She clearly does, she spoke to both you and him about the party), and I would not give up a friendship about someone who does the right thing, even when it is awkward and difficult to do (which she has done imo).

I would be available on Monday and look to spend some time with her, she sounds like a decent person. And I would also message her saying you understand. It is her party, and her birthday, I wouldn't want it to be ruined by bad feeling.

I think she can't really uninvite him. And while it's easy to say she should have let him decide not to come, she'd invited him first, before she knew you were around.
I'm not sure you should expect things to be organised around you when you only pop up at intervals. In the meantime people have to plan as though you aren't there.

Yes text her Monday and let her know you're not up for meeting up and feel incredibly hurt by her behaviour.

@AlenaMacc
It's morally wrong in this situation and i'd go obtuse to make my point & go to get party anyway..

"Dear friend, don't be daft, I'm one of your closest friends, of course I'm coming to your 30th party on Saturday! We're not listening to a silly man bleating about a teenage breakup 10 year ago!! He can grow up and move on!
See yo then, luv Alena"

And I'd stay with that line being dense and reply to each message
"Wow how childish, of course you wont let him dictate to you who can be at your party . We're all grown adults its your 30th birthday of course I'll be there... I've been looking forward to it ..."

It sounds like she's a people pleaser and your ex is running roughshod over her. So that's why I'd push it

Given the info that they aren't close friends not stated in touch whilst she avid you did and that it's so long ago,
If she doubles down and disinvites you then I'd rethink the friendship and not meet up with her at all.

People tell you what they think of you by their actions and nobody is putting me in the corner if I have treated them like a good friend!

I would like to add my husbands teenage/early 20s girlfriend was a big part of certain areas of his friendship circle and they didn’t part on best of terms. We were always at parties with her and they just had to get on with it.
They ignored each other for first few years but I remember at a wedding about 5 years into our relationship there were polite hellos and oh look at your cute baby comments 😂

I have recently moved back to my home area and everyone still sees each other all the time. I'm a similar age to you and had a boyfriend around the same time. My best friend from then and bridesmaid is now married to him and I married 10 years ago. We have recently started seeing each other more and I have spent a few evenings in his company. I guess there has been some awkward times when we refer to the past and realise we were together but we both have made lives in the past 10 years and there are no feelings there. It's very strange that your ex is still hung up on you all this time and friends are facilitating that. He needs to grow up.

It's really sad and hurtful but she has uninvited you. I think she wants him there over you. Maybe time to evaluate the friendship. It would make you look better if you could go on Monday and then if the friendship fizzles out fair enough but I can understand how hurtful it would be and hard to go to that dinner. Alternatively it might give you two the chance to clear the air and say how hurt you were?

She wouldn’t have had to uninvite him?

The rest of your post makes no sense, OP hasn’t asked for things to be planned around her.

If he's o my just started dating could he indeed have become very unwell.
And she has witnessed and helped him?
You do repeat he took it badly.and if he's only just begun dating that signifies to me a whole decade of being really quite poorly.if so I really feel for him.this might be why she doesn't want to "reject" him now.

Maybe I’m one of the few that thinks OP is being a little unreasonable?

you say she’s a very close friend in that she was a bridesmaid for you etc but you were only coincidentally back home at the same
time as her party - you hadn’t intentionally planned to come at this time in advance or agreed with her that you’d be back FOR her party. It was just luck that you happened to be visiting at the same time.

that seems to me like your presence was a bit of a last minute afterthought and she then had the issue of checking with your ex who was already invited before you were.

it just seems a little to me like you’re expecting your friend to change her plans because you are now able to make the party and want to go - maybe she feels a little put out that you weren’t going from
the get go and are only able to make it by chance.

Why do you care about making her feel bad when she’s dismissed you like this? I would explain that her behaviour clearly indicates she does not value your friendship and that you will be going nc from now on. And then she would be completely ghosted. I would never let a “friend” treat me like that.

I can understand why someone would not want two people, one of whom does not want to be in the same place as the other, together. I think that the OPs friend has chosen the wrong person to have to miss out or come at a different time.

Do it’s ok to univite you, a friend, but not your ex who not really a friend. She’s lying, probably knows the new gf. Regardless, I’d not bother meeting her. And you travelled all this way. She’s not a friend anymore

You live abroad.

He lives locally, and is a friend.

She's prioritising propinquity, and the friends she sees regularly. She may not have moved abroad, but she's moved on. I can see why that's so hurtful to you.

Why he's such an arse after all this time is beyond me. But there's never any point in trying to fathom the workings of the mind of an ex

If your as close as you say thoughts is when friendstell each other how they are feeling. So if text or call and saybyiur confused.and hurt that you can't be invited together so what s going on?
Reiterate there wouldn't be a scene or awkwardness and your more than happy to be friends/friendly with him.
At which case she has to explain further what the issue is.
I do sometimes wonder why people don't ask these questions when they come on saying posts about "friends" as friends you talk about all shit they are the ones you can say it all to,ask it all to,her.bit wrong with or question.

I'd take some advice from a pp and be 'breezy'
"Oh of course that's fine it's your bday, and up to you to decide who comes to your party, we could catch up later" but like he'll would l. I'd be wondering is she a flying monkey sent to report on your response or something as she's definitely not being a friend!

This is bizarre behaviour from your friend and indeed your ex. I think I would understand if he was a recent ex husband from a 20 year marriage which ended acrimoniously but a teen romance from 10 years ago? It wouldn't even have occured to me to check if both people were OK with the other attending. Neither your friend or ex are being very mature. She should not indulge his grudge holding and he needs to grow up.

Its hurtful but if this is a reflection of the way your friend thinks then I'm not sure there is much to be gained by discussing it. She's clearly decided pandering to him is more important than your friendship.

They both sound odd.

He's got a new GF and you split 10 years ago.

As I read it I was thinking he was going to be the father of your 10mo and it was a recent break.

Her - because she knows he's being controlling over who she invites and yet she won't just say to him that your coming at X time and he can make his own decision.

I also feel sorry for the new GF tbh. Fancy being with someone who hasn't got over a high school relationship a decade on and her social life with him is dictated by this.

I'd text or email her and basically say that if she cannot out your friendship above someone who isn't involved in it's feelings then you regret it but you won't be meeting her Monday either. It's hard when long term friendships end but I've learnt over the years not to waste time on one's where you're a second thought.

Why does the ex get to dictate the guest list?

I’d be making the friendship less of a priority from now on

Or she didn't realise you were here, and your unexpected acceptance was also an unwelcome one.

So she's trying to deal with it in a 'blame a third party' sort of way.

I'm wondering about how you split with him? What kind of messy? Did you end the relationship and he wasnt happy or did either of you cheat, hence the messy? Maybe your friend has been witness to his poor mental health after your split and didnt want to flare that up as she is glad to see him making progress after all these years. I know I was utterly miserable after I split with my ex and to this day avoid him like the plague but he cheated on me with 2 other women, and nearly went out of his way to rub my nose in it and this happened years ago. Could it be your friend maybe sympathised with his circumstances?? If she runs into him all the time then her life could be very awkward regularly if she uninvited him?