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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Close friend uninvited me from 30th because of my ex

321 replies

AlenaMacc · 01/09/2022 05:56

It’s a long story so please bear with me.

One of my closest friends is celebrating her 30th birthday this Saturday and has invited me to the party (I live abroad so it was amazing luck that I happened to be here for it). I told her I’ll come at 7pm after I BF my 10-month old before his bedtime, after which I’ll leave him with my parents and join the celebration.

However, yesterday she rang me and told me that she completely forgot about it, but before knowing I was going to be here for her celebration, she invited my ex boyfriend. She asked me if I had any issues with this, and I told her I have none whatsoever - the whole thing seems like a lifetime ago to me and I have long since moved on with my life. She told me that she’ll ask my ex as well as she doesn’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable.

She then called me back and said that he apparently has an issue with me being there and asked me to come earlier and leave before he arrives. However this is not an option for me as the birthday location is out of town, and this coincides with my baby’s dinner/bath/BF/bedtime routine. She’s not close to my ex at all whilst me and her are very very close so I expected her to say “okay then, just come as we discussed originally and your ex can grow up and sort himself out” or something of the sort.

However, she then told me “that’s okay, we can meet on Monday instead”. I then told her that I really want to be there and that it’s really shitty that we have to allow his behaviour and let it get in the way of us celebrating together. She essentially told me that she feels really bad that she invited him and had she known that he’ll be like that, she wouldn’t have and that some people don’t grow up. I made it a point that I really want to be there and his behaviour is infuriating but she ended the conversation by saying “don’t be angry, I really wanted you to be here as well but what can you do”.

A bit of backstory - me and my ex dated in high school for 2.5years (this was 10 years ago). The breakup was very messy and he took it very badly. Fast forward to 10yrs later, I have long forgotten about this, have dated many men since, gotten married, had children etc. He however apparently has only just started dating somebody, his first gf since our break up.

My friend isn’t at all close with my ex - her fiancé used to be in the same friend circle with my ex in high school, but haven’t kept in touch since. Recently they went out once with him and his new GF and my friend decided to invite them to her birthday on the spur of the moment. However, my friend is one of my closest ones, she was my bridesmaid, we are in a very close friend circle, we’ve been through a lot together, etc.

I can’t stop thinking about this since it happened yesterday - I feel betrayed, I feel like she chose my ex instead of me, I can’t believe that she essentially uninvited me from her 30th because of someone whom she only saw once recently. I felt very hurt yesterday and came to the conclusion that her friendship with me is not a priority to her anymore and that I should accept it and move on. My other friends think that I should give her a chance and speak to her about it, however I don’t want to ruin her 30th and I also don’t know if there’s anything that she can say that will fix this for me. At the same time I am wondering if I am just overreacting. AIBU?

OP posts:
SunnyD44 · 01/09/2022 08:08

I voted YABU as they obviously are friends and she invited him first.

However, as a PP said I don’t know why she didn’t just say you will be coming as it’s ridiculous that this is still an issue if this was so long ago and you were both young.

I feel like there’s a massive back story here.
What did you do when you broke up?

I agree about reaching out to him and if he’s blocked you then ask her to ask him to message you.

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/09/2022 08:09

I would be very hurt but as others have said some people do prioritise the here and now. One of my best friends is like this and it has alienated her from most of our close friendship circle of over 30 years. It’s hard.

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/09/2022 08:10

If you hurt him very badly by cheating or something though I would be inclined to agree with your friend.

bloodyunicorns · 01/09/2022 08:12

Your friend is being really shitty. Sounds like she's more important to you than you are to her... and she's closer to your ex than you think.

Either way, totally shitty behaviour. I'd find it hard to come back from this.

lunar1 · 01/09/2022 08:12

How did the relationship end that it's still causing all this now! I am guessing she's better friends with him than you realised.

Rewis · 01/09/2022 08:13

Is it possible that you are not as close as you think? I've noticed that with some my friends that have moved abroad think that things haven't moved on while they were away. They think we are as close as we were 10 years ago whenever they come back but our lives have moved on and we've become acqunraices that meet up for coffee few times a year when they are visiting family.
Then there are the friends I travel to visit and we text all the time.

so what's your repolationshio like currently? Does she come over? Do you have zoom dates or texting all the time?

Honeyroar · 01/09/2022 08:15

I think she’s choosing to not upset the friend that she is likely to bump into/see around in her social circle rather than the one she only sees now and again when they come home…

I can see why you’re really upset though.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 01/09/2022 08:16

I think I'd end up saying something bitchy like "it's your birthday, you want your nearest and dearest to celebrate with you. Apparently that doesn't include me which is good to know for future reference. Shame this is how I found out"

Or I'd at least think that and not have the balls to actually say it because I know it would have backlash.

How would you feel if your relationship with this lass was over?

brookstar · 01/09/2022 08:16

It really is shitty of your friend and pathetic of your ex.

I'd be seriously questioning your friendship and be thanking your lucky stars you're no longer with such a pathetic man.

dammit88 · 01/09/2022 08:19

luxxlisbon · 01/09/2022 06:44

I really don’t know why so many people are saying to cancel Monday and never see her again, this sounds so dramatic and I wonder how anyone maintains friendships by flying off the handle like that.

She is clearly friends with your ex more than you think, they went to dinner, she met his gf, that doesn’t happen if you aren’t that close. Maybe she knows his gf, maybe her partner is friends with the ex, either way she probably sees him more than you due to you living abroad.

She invited the ex first, he accepted and it was a coincidence that down the line you happened to be in the country at the same time as the party. If you flew back specifically to celebrate that’s different but your OP makes it clear that’s not the case.

Your friend is stuck between a rock and a hard place and has two friends with an awkward history. One was clearly massively affected by the breakup and doesn’t feel comfortable socialising with you. She invited him first.

Just see her on Monday and stop pushing the issue, she doesn’t want to uninvite him or make him uncomfortable. She can be friends with you both at the same time, she doesn’t need to pick sides.

This 100%.

Snog · 01/09/2022 08:20

Why not tell her the time you plan to arrive and ask her to tell your ex that if he doesn't want to be there when you are he can leave by that time

ohdearnotme · 01/09/2022 08:22

Sounds like your friend is in an awkward position; the ex and his girlfriend are now in her social circle and as much as she cares about you (see: let's meet on Monday), it's going to be super awkward for her to uninvite the ex or ask him to come at a certain time. It could damage a relationship that she may not value as much as yours, but is much closer to home and may affect day to day social plans going forward.

I wouldn't take it that she no longer cares about you, try to see it from her point of view: if you go and the ex is snubbed, you'll be on your merry way and not back for another year, and she'll be left with the social awkwardness.

See your friend on Monday and don't let this come between you. It really isn't worth it xx

Hadjab · 01/09/2022 08:24

AlexClo · 01/09/2022 06:22

YABU Just let your friends celebrate her birthday with whoever she wants. She's clearly close with your ex now & cares about his feelings too - and you're feelings do not trump his.
You're not entitled to go to a specific party/celebration.
She has offered you alternative times to celebrate, accept one of those and let your friend enjoy her birthday celebrations.

Yeah, no. Fuck all of this. Personally I wouldn’t go to the party, and I’d tell her in advance why not - if it ‘ruins’ her birthday, so be it, and I wouldn’t see her on Monday either.

trytopullyoursocksup · 01/09/2022 08:26

what does "messy break up" mean? was there a "fault" on your side like two-timing or something? I know it was a long time ago and kids are kids, but if your ex feels that you were in the wrong somehow perhaps has has convinced your friend that he should not be "punished" for this.
Or perhaps she is one of those people who always takes the path of least resistance, which often means inconveniencing a woman (much more likely to feel sad and soul-search in private or with other friends) over a man (much more likely to have an angry tantrum and cause fall out)

Calmdown14 · 01/09/2022 08:31

I feel for your friend here. Even if she's not close to him, I'd bet he's part of the social circle he mixed in and so there are knock on concerns.

She invited him when she didn't know you'd be home. If you guilt her into going then she'll be on edge all night which really isn't fair.

You've moved on with life but he couldn't. That's not necessarily your fault but it's how he felt.

In reality, a one to one catch up sounds much nicer. Will you really know anyone else at the party?

Surely your husband can do an hour of the bedtime routine and you pop over for a quick catch up before it to wish her happy birthday then catch up properly on Monday?

It's a shit situation. It is a bit unfair on you but the circumstances were a bit out of your friend's control and as this is an event about her, maybe you just need to be the bigger person

mountainsunsets · 01/09/2022 08:34

Unfortunately this is what happens when people move abroad and away from their old circle of friends. You chose to move away - you can't really expect things to be the same as they were before.

I think it's understandable that your friend is prioritising the people she sees everyday, and the people she's likely to bump into on a regular basis, over someone she only sees once or twice a year for a couple of days.

It also sounds like your break-up was genuinely horrendous - it's possible that your ex is really petty but also I think if a woman posted and said they didn't want to socialise with the ex who broke their heart, people would be a lot more sympathetic.

Tanith · 01/09/2022 08:35

Does your friend have children herself?
I wonder if she felt irritated that you have to see to your baby first before coming to the party and, to her mind, you are the one putting restrictions on when you will attend her party.

Original poster
AlenaMacc · 01/09/2022 08:35

Some very interesting comments on this thread - I can see everyone’s point to be honest. I am just jumping on quickly to answer some questions:

  • I wrote to her a few weeks before arriving in the country to let her know I’ll be arriving soon in case she’s free to meet. I knew it was her birthday when I’ll be there, but didn’t know if she was going to celebrate at all or had planned an intimate thing so didn’t mention it at all. In fact I said that I’ll be travelling within the country and that if she wants to meet, just to let me know and I will try to be in my hometown then. She then came back to me a few days ago and invited me to her birthday (she could have easily not done it and just said that she thought I was out of town - I gave her that opportunity)

How I ended things with my ex: He became more and more controlling, he got mad when I got out with my girlfriends, had fun without him, etc. Issues started arising in our relationship which he didn’t want to discuss at all. I tried numerous times to initiate discussions but he would just turn around and ignore me. A few months of this (3-4 to be exact) and my feelings for him started dwindling.

One day an acquaintance of mine started chatting me up over Facebook, after speaking all night we realised we had a lot in common. I called my ex and went over and ended things with him. He begged me to stay and said that he just spoke with his mother who told him that he had mistreated me and that he should change his ways if he wanted to keep me, she gave him some sort of a book on relationships which he read and said he we’ll change his ways. I told him it’s too late for that. He then badmouthed me in front of most our friends, some of whom started bullying me over Facebook messages, others tried to talk me into getting back with him. He wrote many posts on facebook asking which photos of me to delete, etc. People told him that this is very cringe-y and he needs to grow up. He cut me off completely for a couple of months, then contacted me and said he wants to be friends. We went to have coffee (his idea) and at the end he asked me to not tell anyone as his friends would think he’s weak for going out with me. I told him he has some growing up to do and I haven’t seen him since. I don’t really know what he was up to during all these years, my friend just told me that he has a girlfriend now who apparently is his first since our break up.

I have to say I completely respect that he must have been heartbroken, however the end of our relationship was completely his own doing.

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 01/09/2022 08:35

luxxlisbon · 01/09/2022 06:44

I really don’t know why so many people are saying to cancel Monday and never see her again, this sounds so dramatic and I wonder how anyone maintains friendships by flying off the handle like that.

She is clearly friends with your ex more than you think, they went to dinner, she met his gf, that doesn’t happen if you aren’t that close. Maybe she knows his gf, maybe her partner is friends with the ex, either way she probably sees him more than you due to you living abroad.

She invited the ex first, he accepted and it was a coincidence that down the line you happened to be in the country at the same time as the party. If you flew back specifically to celebrate that’s different but your OP makes it clear that’s not the case.

Your friend is stuck between a rock and a hard place and has two friends with an awkward history. One was clearly massively affected by the breakup and doesn’t feel comfortable socialising with you. She invited him first.

Just see her on Monday and stop pushing the issue, she doesn’t want to uninvite him or make him uncomfortable. She can be friends with you both at the same time, she doesn’t need to pick sides.

I agree with @luxxlisbon

On MN, people are very quick to sever ties with friends

OP - you describe party host as one of your closest friends, but you're very quick to consider ending the friendship completely

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/09/2022 08:36

FizzyTango · 01/09/2022 06:10

I wonder if she is closer to your ex than she is letting on. Or she sees that your ex and his new partner would be a good fit to socialise with in future and she doesn’t want to burn that bridge. It sounds horrible but I’ve learnt most people would rather take a lesser friend that is around all the time, than a good one they rarely see because they have moved abroad. It’s very cynical of me, but that’s how I am.
I would be really hurt in your situation too, I’m not sure what to suggest. I agree about not wanting to ruin her 30th. Sorry I can’t think of any good advice Flowers.

This. Sorry op. He is here, you are not and she’s closer to him and his gf now , and sees them/him more than she is letting on. I would be hurt too though, and make less effort with her. I wouldn’t bother seeing her on Monday either.

stayinghometoday · 01/09/2022 08:38

I think it's time to put no effort or energy in this friendship at all. It's too much of a hassle to go to hers to meet up with baby etc. If she calls or wants to come over to yours then fine and be pleasant. You'll soon find out how much effort she will do for your friendshio. I don't imagine for you to be in contact for very long anymore.

FreudayNight · 01/09/2022 08:39

I have to say I really wouldn’t want to be in the same room as someone I’d written cringey FB posts about 10 lifetimes ago never mind only 10 years ago.

I’d give him a wide berth TBH, people like that never change.

SunnyD44 · 01/09/2022 08:42

Sounds like your friend is in an awkward position; the ex and his girlfriend are now in her social circle and as much as she cares about you (see: let's meet on Monday), it's going to be super awkward for her to uninvite the ex or ask him to come at a certain time. It could damage a relationship that she may not value as much as yours, but is much closer to home and may affect day to day social plans going forward.

I agree.

OP lives in another country, only sees her friend 1/2 a year and only happened to be back for the 30th so friend would have assumed it’s more than likely that OP won’t be there so she’d invite her friend who is local and who she probably sees more of it wants to in the future.

Although it was a long time ago you left your ex for another man which is going to leave a scar.
I think it was very unfair in him to say that to your friend and he should have sucked it up and got over you being there for your friends sake.

However, it’s not your friends fault and she’s in a really difficult situation.
I think it’s unfair to call her out or fall out with her over her trying to keep the peace and being stuck in the middle.

fuzzwuss · 01/09/2022 08:47

It seems odd that you wrote to her a few weeks ago letting her know you would be there, and she then invited you to her birthday only a few days ago. Why the time lag? Sorry op, but it doesn't seem as if you were a priority guest for her. As other posters have said, either she is friendly with your ex, or someone in his circle, or she is just not that bothered. Either way, it is hurtful, but it may well be time to reduce contact.

honeylulu · 01/09/2022 08:51

This is so horrible for you. You aren't the one with the problem but because your ex is stroppy and you are reasonable your friend has decided that you can "take one for the team" as you're the one who won't kick off.

I've had similar. My sister refused to see me for several years because I dared have a daughter and she was jealous (yes really). However it was me who was excluded from family get together because as the more stoical person I needed to understand how "sensitive" she is. Also she is my mum's golden child and my mum would have been all mopey and mournful if she wasn't there. I am more expendable it seems! Very hurtful - that was my reward for being reasonable!

In an ideal world your friend would be saying "I'm not uninviting anyone. You're both welcome and it's up to you if you come or not." But she seems to have done an assessment taking into account that: your ex might kick off at her before the party or even at the party and she knows you won't, she and her boyfriend are probably pallier with ex and gf than you think, she also wants to keep her boyfriend happy, and local friendships have higher currency for her (sadly) than older occasional ones.

I'd be gutted. I might try a breezy "Don't be silly of course I'm coming, he can ignore me" and see what she says. If she insists you can't come then tell her you are hurt, perhaps after the party but before Monday. Her reaction would determine whether is ditch Monday or not.