To be upset that DM is moving 7 hours away

Smarshian · 2022-08-31T19:20:54+00:00

So DM and Step Dad currently live around 1 hour away and visit often (approx 1-2 times per month) for sometimes an afternoon, or a day, occasional overnights. They have just announced that they are moving 7 hours away. It’s a dream of theirs and I REALLY don’t begrudge them. The place looks amazing and it really is a wonderful place to be, but I am SO gutted that they won’t be around to see the kids more often and just to see them myself. They are not young, 70s, and have not thought about how they might need help in years to come. we have 2 young DC (4&5) who are going to miss out on so much time with their grandparents. AIBU to be absolutely gutted by this announcement

Littlemissprosecco · 31/08/2022 20:23

Yes, but there’s nothing you can do except make the best of it!

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2022 20:27

I understand but your mum has her own life and her own dreams she wants to fulfill. She can't live just for you and your kids.

Badger1970 · 31/08/2022 20:28

I'd be heartbroken, OP. Both of my parents live within 8 miles and given how poorly my Dad has been lately, it would have been impossible to have helped him out if he'd been 7 hours away.

Is this an informed decision or a whim?

Original poster

Smarshian · 31/08/2022 20:31

They have been talking about moving to this area for years (at least 10), and I never thought they would actually do it.
I just can’t see how they think they will just be able to visit whenever. I think I’m just a bit blindsided by it.

OP posts:

Wombat27A · 31/08/2022 20:31

We have relatives that did this. Was an utter disaster but what can you do...

Just be clear how little help you can provide & suggest they get a plan for ill-health.

Sounds miserable but in our case, the move itself caused serious health issues.

Would never have stopped them but now getting a lot of random people telling us why it was a bad idea....

Wombat27A · 31/08/2022 20:32

Plus I actually really missed them.

Original poster

Smarshian · 31/08/2022 20:34

I think they have this dream we will come and stay for a week/ weeks at a time. But we just won’t. And I made that clear when they first suggested moving. It would be quicker and easier to visit them in Spain.

OP posts:

80sMum · 31/08/2022 20:36

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2022 20:27

I understand but your mum has her own life and her own dreams she wants to fulfill. She can't live just for you and your kids.

If I were that mum, I just couldn't do it. As much as I would yearn to go and fulfil my dream and move to my dream home, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to seek my own happiness at the expense of someone else's. I'm not saying that the OP's mum shouldn't go where her heart desires, just that I would feel bad if pursuing my own dream caused another person's life to be less happy. Knowing that would take away all of the joy, for me.

MatildaTheCat · 31/08/2022 20:38

My parents moved 4 hours away and as they gre older it became really difficult. Luckily some other family members also moved to their new area but had they not my DM would have been in huge trouble when Dad got ill.

Please ask them to consider their needs in 10 years or so. Maybe they could move and rent or go somewhere less remote? Trying to support from afar if an absolute nightmare especially when hospital admissions, SS and care homes get to be part of the story.

Sorry buy YANBU and not only for the DC.

Jalepenojello · 31/08/2022 20:42

I’d be really, really upset but I’d be able to work on that alone. However due to their ages I’d be really concerned to be honest. They will likely need support in the next ten years, it seems really short sighted of them. Unless they can afford endless amounts of care themselves? Still seems worrying.

nothing you can do really, except have a gentle conversation.

Bonheurdupasse · 31/08/2022 20:42

80sMum · 31/08/2022 20:36

If I were that mum, I just couldn't do it. As much as I would yearn to go and fulfil my dream and move to my dream home, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to seek my own happiness at the expense of someone else's. I'm not saying that the OP's mum shouldn't go where her heart desires, just that I would feel bad if pursuing my own dream caused another person's life to be less happy. Knowing that would take away all of the joy, for me.

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@80sMum
But that's complete self sacrifice?!
Surely you can say that about anything...getting your dream job would make the losing candidate unhappy..
Or the nobel prize, anything

Kite22 · 31/08/2022 20:45

Of course YANBU to feel sad - which is what the question asked. I am surprised how many think it is un reasonable to feel sad.

I think as long as they have thought it through, and realise that you can't commit to come and visit them, then that is all you can do. They have the right to follow their dream, however impractical it seems to be. If they are already in their 70s, it doesn't sound like a wise move, as the potential to be isolated (unless you haven't told us they are moving near a sibling) is quite high.

PurpleMarie · 31/08/2022 20:46

80sMum · 31/08/2022 20:36

If I were that mum, I just couldn't do it. As much as I would yearn to go and fulfil my dream and move to my dream home, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to seek my own happiness at the expense of someone else's. I'm not saying that the OP's mum shouldn't go where her heart desires, just that I would feel bad if pursuing my own dream caused another person's life to be less happy. Knowing that would take away all of the joy, for me.

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Jesus Christ. Martyr much?

Snowiscold · 31/08/2022 20:51

80sMum · 31/08/2022 20:36

If I were that mum, I just couldn't do it. As much as I would yearn to go and fulfil my dream and move to my dream home, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to seek my own happiness at the expense of someone else's. I'm not saying that the OP's mum shouldn't go where her heart desires, just that I would feel bad if pursuing my own dream caused another person's life to be less happy. Knowing that would take away all of the joy, for me.

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Gosh, that’s surely not a healthy attitude to have.

Original poster

Smarshian · 31/08/2022 20:55

I’m not going to be horribly unhappy in my life if she moves away, and I want her to have and love her own life.
I think the thing that worries me most is that she thinks she will still have the same relationship with me/ the DC.
We just will not visit. And I don’t mean that as us making a point, we just don’t have loads of holidays to use to do it.
My DC are closest to her as a grandparent and I’m gutted for them too.

OP posts:

atiaofthejulii · 31/08/2022 20:59

Of course yanbu to be sad. (It would bu to try to stop them.)

My parents moved from 3 miles away (would see them probably 3 times a week, my kids stayed the night once a week) to 200 miles away, when my youngest was about 8. I worried about my kids missing them - they were fine. I was bereft. I couldn’t even talk to my mum on the phone as it just made me miss her too much, I had to sort of pretend in between that they didn’t exist. And I know that sounds pathetic, and I’m not usually like that. I do also love the area they moved to, but we don’t get there as much as I’d like to - I went there for the afternoon (from staying nearish as my dog isn’t very compatible with their cats) in May, and hadn’t been since last summer, and won’t be going again until the end of October.

On the plus side - they love it there and have a lovely life with plenty of good supportive friends. My kids could and can go and visit for a few days at a time - my eldest is 25 and is down there at the moment. And I got used to it. Good luck x

Zosime · 31/08/2022 21:00

If I were that mum, I just couldn't do it. As much as I would yearn to go and fulfil my dream and move to my dream home, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to seek my own happiness at the expense of someone else's.

So you give up your dream, stay put - and next year the person you gave it up for moves four hours away in pursuit of their dream job. Then what? Or do you think the other person should give up their dream too, because you gave up yours?

SenecaFallsRedux · 31/08/2022 21:02

What about all the adult children who move for work or whatever away from their parents? Does anyone have a problem with that? Probably not.

They don't have many years left. Let them have their dream. If they need help later in life, adjustments can be made for that.

StoneofDestiny · 31/08/2022 21:03

80sMum

nobody would do anything independently if that was the case.

People should fulfil their dreams and live their lives, not feel obliged to live out other peoples dreams.
The OP can still see her family if she makes the effort to travel, even if it's meeting them half way for a break.
Certainly I'd be happy if my parents were able to live out their dreams like that. 70 isn't ancient by any means.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 31/08/2022 21:04

I can see why you are sad, but they may not be planning to move for ever - they may choose to spend, say, five years living in their dream location, before moving elsewhere.

To be brutally honest old age will mean that most of us (if we're spared) will end up moving to sheltered accomodation/old people's home/warden bungalow for the last few years of our lives, and they will probably choose to come back nearer to you when that happens. But right now, while they still have health and mobility and time, they want to fulfil a lifetime dream.

I can see that you are sad (and that is not unreasonable) but I hope you can also be happy for them?

Thatiswild · 31/08/2022 21:05

My mum lives 7hr and although my kids don’t see her that often, she has a lovely relationship as she stays at least a week and we stay with her when we visit. It will be adjustment but think of it as a new place for the kids to explore.

Original poster

Smarshian · 31/08/2022 21:09

I think maybe I need some time to adjust to the idea, but I can’t see myself staying with them regularly whilst I am working.
I do have the benefit of WFH currently so May be able to stay with the kids during half term etc in the future. Kids are currently 4&5 so lots of years where childcare and help (the odd hour to get a haircut etc) would be useful. If they then move back in 10 years and want help themselves I may be frankly less inclined to help.

OP posts:

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 31/08/2022 21:12

If they then move back in 10 years and want help themselves I may be frankly less inclined to help.

Wow.

OK, I'm going to assume you're saying that because, right now, you're hurt and feel rejected. But you can't honestly mean that you'll cut off your parents in their old age solely because they didn't give up a lifelong dream in order to provide "childcare and help (the odd hour to get a haircut etc)" as much as you think they should.

CatLadyDrinksGin · 31/08/2022 21:12

Her choice as a functioning adult. As long as she realises the consequences eg that you won’t be local if/when she needs help with things out of the loft, moving that large bit of furniture, taking me to this appt, my computer isn’t working, can you book this medical thing, my brick phone can’t cope with the link. Etc etc.

Evenstar · 31/08/2022 21:13

I think them needing more support would be my biggest concern, I had to deal with my parents’ final illnesses with a 3 to 4 hour drive to rural areas they had moved to. My children were teenagers, I had a job, my then fiancé had been ill it was an absolute nightmare.

My DH and I are retiring to within an hour’s journey of our adult children and ensuring that we are not too rural to access services or get care if needed, without a car if we have to give up driving.

I think they have left it too late to make this move, and you would really struggle at that distance to help if their health changed.