To be upset that DM is moving 7 hours away

[Smarshian]

So DM and Step Dad currently live around 1 hour away and visit often (approx 1-2 times per month) for sometimes an afternoon, or a day, occasional overnights.
They have just announced that they are moving 7 hours away. It’s a dream of theirs and I REALLY don’t begrudge them. The place looks amazing and it really is a wonderful place to be, but I am SO gutted that they won’t be around to see the kids more often and just to see them myself. They are not young, 70s, and have not thought about how they might need help in years to come.
we have 2 young DC (4&5) who are going to miss out on so much time
with their grandparents. AIBU to be absolutely gutted by this announcement

You'd be amazed what FaceTime can do. We live quite far away from family at the moment (I'm currently in the States), but I think that we see them more frequently than we did when they lived the next county over. We pop on FaceTime a few times a week, talking for sometimes a few minutes or sometimes a couple hours. I see their faces all the time, and while it's not the same as being with them, it does allow you to feel quite close. And then I see them at various points of the year for 5-7 days at a time, or even more, and it works out the same to the occasional afternoon/weekend that I'd get with them when I lived closer.

I totally get you OP.

If you mum and stepdad want to do this its totally their right, their life etc. BUT I do think older folks expecting family assistance ad they age have a responsibility to consider the family they want help from and should move closer not farther away. I don't think your being petty - this is real life not a sentimental corner store card - there is give and take in close relationships.

Practically speaking you wont see them much unless they do the travelling and they wont be part of you and your kids day to day life. Your kids are unlikely to phone and text her as they wont have the close relationship they would have with grandparents they see all the time. My brother lives 14hr drive away and my kids know him as Uncle Fixit and they see him about 1/year but that is not the stuff of close relationships TBH.

So I can absolutely see why this is upsetting on an emotional level but also concerning from a practical pragmatic point of view.

Why was this done in secret, OP? You must have been shocked and very hurt, I know I would have been. I hope you can come to terms with it, but I totally feel for you, I would really struggle with how your DM has gone about this.

She’s made her choice OP, now you live your life. Fit them in if you can, don’t if you can’t. The relationship will probably drift, you’ll probably develop stronger relationships with friends.

They’re entitled you do whatever they like, but choices like this have consequences. They won’t be as close to you or your children and they don’t get to come back when they need you and have you running around after them. That sounds harsh but it’s true.

YANBU to be upset and you're not wrong that it will change things.

My DP are a similar distance away (was 2.5 hours drive before they moved) and they are not close to my DC at all. They don't know them, really. But they have never been involved, unlike your DM, so you are coming off a little ungrateful to me.

But YABU to say you won't visit them. They are still your parents and ultimately it's your job to facilitate the relationship between your DC and their relatives. You could easily spend a couple of weeks down there a year and they could do the reverse, if they can handle the travel. You could also meet half way.

Having read your other posts, you sound bitter. I therefore think you're being unreasonable. Your DM and SD are people and have their own lives, so wish them well and see what happens. You can't assume they won't see you for 10 years then come back and expect you to help them! By that time they'll have established themselves where they've moved to and will have new friends etc.

I am going to relocate to an island, Brecon or the Highlands when I retire. It's what I want to do. Frankly, my DCs can sort themselves out!

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee even once a year. It’s the whole ‘I can never visit even though I really care about and miss them’ that I find a mismatch. I get the feeling of disappointment. But we have to meet our family half way, always don’t we? Even if they do things we might think isn’t great.

My parents considered moving away (not as far as yours but far enough to make visits much more difficult). As a single parent they were my main social and emergency support network (and me them also it was reciprocal). We discussed all the risks of them moving and the benefits and they considered the distance and moved half as far which worked out well all round. I didn't want to make them feel guilty but did admit I was upset about it. I would tell them how you feel and why and then face their decision.

You have to be practical OP. A 7hour journey there and 7 hour trip back means you are not going to go to see them more than once a year, at least for the next few years whilst kids are young.
However GPs can visit you more often, if you don't mind having them to stay?
We see the GPs that live the furthest from us, the most often!! They are also the closest to the GCs. They make the effort. The other GPs do not seem to know they need to make an effort.
At various points my siblings and we have lived overseas. When I did I spoke my family more than I do now!!

Nothing queer as folk?!

I won't be caring for any of them tho as they are all far too far away, not that I want any of them moving too close either! And with a 14 hour round trip, your own jobs and the kids - you won't be caring for your DM & SD either. The practicalities just won't work.

I'm so sorry OP. And for it to be spring upon you too. What a rejection. Have they explained the secrecy?

Btw are they keeping their current home or have they sold that too?

You sound like you are working your way through the stages of grief after what feels to you like a break up.

You’ve had denial (never thinking they would actually do it), and are now in anger with a bit of bargaining thrown in (“if you did this instead, you’d get this in return”). When you talk about them not having a relationship with the grandchildren, or not being cared for by you when they need it later on in life that sounds like you mentally rehearsing withdrawing what would otherwise be their “reward” for staying.

My parents live on the other side of the planet, about a 30 hour journey away. They love my kids, and my kids love them very much. When they see each other in person it is wonderful and they are very close. Otherwise they speak on FaceTime. Relationships can be maintained at a distance when you put in the effort.

I think you are very much looking at this from the point of view of how it affects you, and resenting it as an unwelcome change to your status quo. For your mum however, this is an exciting, and probably frightening opportunity to do something for herself before it is too late. When you reach her age you may view this moment very differently, and understand her perspective a little more.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee even once a year. It’s the whole ‘I can never visit even though I really care about and miss them’ that I find a mismatch. I get the feeling of disappointment. But we have to meet our family half way, always don’t we?

unfortunately people get limited vacation time and also want to do other things with that limited time than visit family that have chosen to move 🤷‍♀️If they are retired and this is their choice I think the onus is on them tbh - that’s not to say OP should never visit but I certainly see her point

I'm on your side OP. It sounds like it is far too late to stop them going and I would also feel very hurt and devastated. A relationship over Facetime is nothing like a F2F relationship for a young child. My mum managed a great relationship with my overseas DB's kids but only because she made the effort to go to his home and be their summer holiday childcare provider every year when they were little. Even with that effort though, the relationship still wasn't the same quality as the one my kids had with my mum, as we lived close together and saw her all the time, often dropping in spontaneously. So I can completely understand why, if you had in your mind a close easy relationship between you, the DC, DM and SD you are now in shock at what you all lose when they leave.

Have they purchased the new property ahead of selling up locally and moving? I'm surprised they've been able to keep it quiet if they are relocating in a week's time! Maybe that means the move will be staggered?

I also have to say, if they do fully relocate I very much doubt they will move back for you to support them. By the time they realise they need the support, the practicalities of moving will likely be beyond them.

Being so far away really takes the option for you to ever help them out of your hands. Is that maybe part of your mum's thinking, so she won't ever become a burden?

I hope you can have a sensible conversation with them to get reassurance they have thought past the dream to the realities, along the lines of how close are they to a GP, pharmacy and hospital; what is elderly care like where they are moving; and what is it like socially where they are moving to (in case one of them dies and they are alone there).

I know a lady who moved with her DH to the countryside in their early 70s. Beautiful cottage down little winding lane just outside a village, with some land and room for chickens etc. All was fine for a few months, but unexpectedly the guy got diagnosed with cancer which he battled for several years. Wife didn't like driving, and struggled with the hospital logistics and caring for him at home. They found it almost impossible to get cleaners or private carers to help them as they were in a remote location. Winters were especially lonely and depressing for them - their kids worked in jobs that only allowed time off in summer so the kids and GC only came to visit once a year or so in the fine weather. The kidswere helpless when their dad was unwell, as simply too far away to do anything except offer moral support. When her DH eventually died she felt marooned knowing there would be no one to help her if she got sick. She felt forced to relocate again to a nearby town. She never really got her chance to live the dream. It's a huge gamble at that age, to trade the support networks you've got in your local community for the chance to follow a dream hundreds of miles away.

I think so many posters on this thread giving you a hard time, OP, have absolutely no idea of what it’s like trying to care for elderly parents when you live a long way away from them and have a full time job and your own family to manage. I’m in that situation now, with parents who made no plans or provision for old age, and it is an absolute nightmare, let me tell you. The constant worry and sense of helplessness is making me ill.

Dibbydoos "I am going to relocate to an island, Brecon or the Highlands when I retire. It's what I want to do. Frankly, my DCs can sort themselves out!"

just out of interest, why did you want children? Not a criticism - it's just I never wanted children so when people make comments like this, I wonder why they had them. (Of course I realise many people do it and regret it).

pp are mentioning OP other posts, I haven't read any, but I see her point re care, based on the info in this thread.

Cross post
that's awful for you. Can they move? I know a few people whose parents have done that.

I had a feeling a comment like this would come up! Yabu.

I have this situation in the other direction - I moved away from my family.

I had to do it, to live the life I want to live, but it doesn't mean I don't love/ miss them a lot, or that they are 'not important enough'. It's just the area where they live would have sucked the life out of me. I couldn't have stayed there.

Your parents are doing what they need to do in order to live fulfilling lives. It doesn't change how they feel about you - it's most likely nothing whatsoever to do with that.

They are in their 70's and probably aware that time is short to do the things they want to do in life.

I know it's hard to understand from their perspective when you are feeling hurt/ rejected, but please try to. They are not rejecting you at all. Our family ties and the lives we want to lead are sometimes two different things and we can't always easily have both, so we have to make the best of things.

Also, 7 hours isn't the end of the world, it's easily doable for a long weekend, and if you can work from their place as well then it's fine!

It's a really crap situation OP. My in laws did something similar - they moved 5 hours away to be near their daughter who had moved up north with her husband. The other three children and their families are all still in the same area where they grew up and where my in laws are from. We just don't really see them anymore, it's too far a trip to just go for the weekend and there are frankly other places we want to go to in the school holidays, as where they have moved to isn't really somewhere where you would go on holiday too. It was like a form of grief for a while but we eventually just got used to not having them around.

It is tough. I moved last year and am now about 6 hours from my mum to an amazing part of the UK.
It’s too far for a weekend. It has meant that she has ti do the visiting as it is not really worth the effort for less than 4 nights.
we have arranged to meet I Spain for a ‘Christmas holiday’ meet up as cheaper and quicker flights compared to train tickets.

You have at least 28 days’ holiday, like the rest of us.

I knew opening the thread that this was going to be about childcare, and I was right! 😁

So you only want to see them on your terms? How bloody selfish
My parents live several hours away from me, but I still visit despite the difficulties involed in the journey
You say you will miss them, then that you'd be so petty as to not help if they return to live near you in 10 years time. Dear sodding god
If they are sensible they will make their own care arrangements

I don’t see how it’s selfish to say we will struggle to visit them for weeks at a time. I have 4 weeks annual leave a year. Usually 2 of those will be used for odd days off and childcare and then we may have 1 week away as a family in May and August.
that’s it. So in order to visit for a week I will have to give up one of my family holidays. It’s not a simple visit for a weekend. It’s at least 7 hours each way. I would never drag the kids that far for even a 3 day weekend and we would all be exhausted.

You say you will miss them, then that you'd be so petty as to not help if they return to live near you in 10 years time.

No she didn't. She said she'd not be able to help them in 10 years time if they live seven hours away.

And that's just realistic. I was entirely unable to care for my mum when she had her stroke at her isolated cottage seven hours away. I worked (had no option) and had kids at home as well as a husband with cancer. What do you suggest I should have done @Nobetterthansheoughttobe ?

It's not just the parents who move whose health and general situation might change. The offspring left behind also have changes in their life which mean they can't did what they might have done. I can't tell you how stressful that time was with my mum so far away, my DH with stage 4 cancer and chemo, and my kids to support, knowing they were losing their dad.

These decisions are always made in a spirit of optimism. But unfortunately life throws stuff into the mix, and you have to try to project and understand the what ifs.

OP, I totally understand. Slightly different story but my parents and younger sister moved to another continent when I was 19.
I stayed as I was working and they couldn’t get a work visa for me.
They were there 25 years and through that time I got married, had four dc and broke up with a cheating dh after a 23 year relationship.
i had to do all these things alone ( they visited, of course, but the planning and coping was me alone) and I have to be honest I became quite resentful of my younger sister who had the support of my parents and who helped her through pregnancies and with her DC.

They retired back home 3 years ago and it’s been extremely hard for me.
they have decided not to drive and passively aggressively ask for lifts and as they are getting older ask for help and support.
as a single mum, I’m growing my own career and to be honest am less inclined to offer help as I feel once I was of age, I was left to fend for myself.
of course it’s your parents decision to live their dream, but it does come with consequences and that includes having to work out what will happen in their older years in terms of care etc.
god luck

I get what you're saying, I really do. But speaking as someone who has never had any family to help with childcare or household I can honestly say you just manage. There are loads of us in this position. It will be hard as you've got used to having your parents around nearby, but you'll adapt and so will the kids.