To be upset that DM is moving 7 hours away

[Smarshian]

So DM and Step Dad currently live around 1 hour away and visit often (approx 1-2 times per month) for sometimes an afternoon, or a day, occasional overnights.
They have just announced that they are moving 7 hours away. It’s a dream of theirs and I REALLY don’t begrudge them. The place looks amazing and it really is a wonderful place to be, but I am SO gutted that they won’t be around to see the kids more often and just to see them myself. They are not young, 70s, and have not thought about how they might need help in years to come.
we have 2 young DC (4&5) who are going to miss out on so much time
with their grandparents. AIBU to be absolutely gutted by this announcement

[Summerfun54321]

I think the sad truth is they’ve left it a little late to realise their big dream and the reality is that at their age, they are choosing to isolate themselves from family who they will grow increasingly reliant on. I don’t understand why they have to move and live somewhere totally different and not just house swap or travel until their health declines.

[Smarshian]

@FayeGovan

The thing is, they'll move away and your life will fill in the spaces they used to fill. And your kids will grow and just not be as close to them. So when/if they decide in years to come to return they'll need to accept the way your life will be running without them there. If they haven't thought this through thats up to them. You have your kids and your own feelings to look after now.

I think this is it. I don’t have close relatives. They currently live approx 1hr 20 from us and are our closest family on both sides.
our friends have already filled the space of all the other family etc who might normally be around.
We just have no family now that we might call on in an emergency. We will have full lives, but they will have chosen not to be a major part of that. And that hurts.

[FayeGovan]

Yes it would hurt me too

asfor the poster saying this is a horrible thread, i mean FFS, really????

[Smarshian]

@Helpyou

Wow. This is a truly horrible thread. Your updates just get worse and worse. Your mum has been a mum and supported you in the early years of your children's lives. When would be a good time for her to follow her dreams? How utterly mean that you'll not support her when she's old because she's not close enough to watch your kids for you to get a hair cut.

I think you need to read all of my comments. Yes she has been around and helped (a bit). But it’s not about childcare, it’s about being around and building a relationship with my children and maintaining one with me. Most people I know have a relative close by who can help out on occasion with support in one way or another (could be childcare, picking something up from the shop, fixing a leaky tap etc etc) because they are local.
They are choosing to disregard our relationship and move several hours away because being there is more important than keeping a close relationship with us.
No matter what this will change our relationship and mean we are less close. That hurts.

[Hercisback]

I'd be hurt in your position too OP. It's not that they owe you anything, but it is a rejection.

You should carefully broach expectations around what happens if one of them gets ill. Sometimes people don't think of all eventualities when making decisions. Or they don't think about the relative convenience of their location now.

[user1477391263]

But you can't honestly mean that you'll cut off your parents in their old age solely because they didn't give up a lifelong dream in order to provide "childcare and help (the odd hour to get a haircut etc)" as much as you think they should.

She didn't say "cut off." She did say "less inclined to help."

[Whatiswrongwithmyknee]

@Smarshian

This is it. I don’t want them to give up their dreams AT ALL. I just honestly feel like my DM has told me I am not important enough to her life. It probably sounds ridiculous but that’s how I am feeling right now.
im sure that given time I will feel differently but I am feeling massively rejected and I can’t even begin to break it to the DC.

I totally get you OP. My sister emigrated to Australia. She did it based not on the facts as she refused to look at them. i.e. she thought my other sibling and I would visit her. But neither of us have the funds and that was entirely predictable. It's not just a 'save up' matter because we'd need about 10K to do so. So now my sister in Oz is surprised that we only see her when she can come over here and is then surprised that what felt like a long visit only allows a day to see us as there are so many others she wants to see. So we see her a day every 3 years. This was entirely predictable and I did wish she had actually thought about things logically so she was making an actual informed choice. The fanciful nature of the decision making has not made the loss of seeing my family any easier.

I think all you can do though is try and share the facts. You can't make your parents hear them. I'm guessing you mean 7 hours either way? so 14 hour round trip? For me that would be possible only during AL in the school holidays. I get about 1 week of that a year so if we visited them once a year we'd never get a family holiday again (I work for the NHS so lots of leave restrictions - I can't take much in the school holidays). I guess if you are clear that 'we would want to visit more but in reality will be unlikely to be able to more than once every year or two' then that might be helpful? Are you happy for them to come stay with you for extended periods of time? If so then perhaps you need to be clear with them that this is how contact will mainly have to take place because of the restrictions of school and work.

I see what you mean about 10 years time too I think. You're not saying you won't help them. You're saying there's a limit to what you can do from 7 hours away so they will need to plan to take care of themselves more. It would not be fair of them to expect you to do any sort of crisis support if it takes a day's travel either way and it would be pretty selfish of them not to realise that.

[saraclara]

@Helpyou

Wow. This is a truly horrible thread. Your updates just get worse and worse. Your mum has been a mum and supported you in the early years of your children's lives. When would be a good time for her to follow her dreams? How utterly mean that you'll not support her when she's old because she's not close enough to watch your kids for you to get a hair cut.

Read my posts above. The dream can very easily turn into a nightmare at that age. If anyone moving seven hours away from their support system in their 70s truly understand the repercussions of that and are preared to live with those, then fine. But without that conversation and their parents acceptance of the reality, any offspring are right to be concerned.

My mum claimed it wouldn't be a problem. But it turned out to be a massive one when she became severly disabled and helpless overight.

[georgarina]

You are not unreasonable at all to be upset, but you would be unreasonable to make them feel guilty about it

[user1477391263]

I get what you're saying, OP.

Have you had a clear conversation with them about what is and is not possible, if they do this? You need to make it clear that you won't be able to keep whizzing over to their location to help out if they get ill or are recovering from surgery, or if health problems mean they can't drive any more. You should also make it clear that there won't be a lot of visiting. People of that generation may find it difficult to get away from the idea that Mum can always just bring the kids up whenever there's a holiday, forgetting that Mum probably has a job and limited annual leave. And that kids can be a nightmare in the car.

[Smarshian]

@user1477391263

I get what you're saying, OP.

Have you had a clear conversation with them about what is and is not possible, if they do this? You need to make it clear that you won't be able to keep whizzing over to their location to help out if they get ill or are recovering from surgery, or if health problems mean they can't drive any more. You should also make it clear that there won't be a lot of visiting. People of that generation may find it difficult to get away from the idea that Mum can always just bring the kids up whenever there's a holiday, forgetting that Mum probably has a job and limited annual leave. And that kids can be a nightmare in the car.

When they first suggested this (around 10 years ago!) I made it clear that I wouldn’t be visiting lots and that Spain would be an easier and quicker commute for me.
We haven’t discussed it since and they announced tonight that they are due to complete on the house they are buying in the next week or so, so not much can be done and no point in discussion.
Im just upset, because of the secrecy, because of them not thinking about what might happen a few years down the line, because I want them around and to enjoy the kids growing up, etc.
We can have a further conversation but it won’t change much.

[eurochick]

My grandparents did this (well, it was 4 hours away but still a hell of a trek to see them). I was their only grandchild and sadly never developed much of a relationship with them. At my grandmother's funeral we were getting disapproving looks from their neighbours. They clearly thought we didn't do enough for them. It was difficult when we were working full time and four hours away (plus my mum had just been diagnosed with cancer and wasn't up to much travel). The distance made everything so much harder.

[saraclara]

We haven’t discussed it since and they announced tonight that they are due to complete on the house they are buying in the next week or so, so not much can be done and no point in discussion.

So it's all been done behind your back? Yes, I'd be hurt and annoyed too. And since they haven't been prepared to discuss the 'what ifs' with you, I think they are not in any position to make demands of you when they need support, or if you 'don't visit enough'.

As I said, we didn't visit my mum. It was just too difficult, and as she didn't even bother phoning us, she'd obviously chosen a life that she didn't need us to be part of.

[Itsthelookitsthelook]

So much sympathy for you OP. It must be so hurtful.
My family is currently in a similar situation to @saraclara.
Relative in their 70s moved away from (abroad) all family & friends, has missed out on many important family additions and events and then has within a decade become very unwell/disabled meaning they have to be brought back to the UK. They want to stay where they are, with no money, healthcare or support and can't understand why that can't happen. So much stress for the family members having to arrange everything on their behalf.

[AxolotlEars]

I would be sad too.

[AbsolutelyLoveIy]

How many times have you posted this OP? I swear this is you AGAIN

[MyrtlethePurpleTurtle]

Good for the parents - it’s never too late to pursue your dreams and I’m glad they’re chosing to do so. I would expect if they were to read this thread it would chase away any residual uncertainties as to whether it was the right decision for them

[Whatiswrongwithmyknee]

@Smarshian

When they first suggested this (around 10 years ago!) I made it clear that I wouldn’t be visiting lots and that Spain would be an easier and quicker commute for me.
We haven’t discussed it since and they announced tonight that they are due to complete on the house they are buying in the next week or so, so not much can be done and no point in discussion.
Im just upset, because of the secrecy, because of them not thinking about what might happen a few years down the line, because I want them around and to enjoy the kids growing up, etc.
We can have a further conversation but it won’t change much.

The secrecy must make it all the harder. I do feel for you. Your relationship can only be reduced by this distance and it is a loss. I would advise not talking to them about it at all until you have had some time to mentally adjust because you may say something you regret. If they wonder why you're being quiet you can be honest and say that their move changes things a lot and you're just getting your head around it.

[saraclara]

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle

Good for the parents - it’s never too late to pursue your dreams and I’m glad they’re chosing to do so. I would expect if they were to read this thread it would chase away any residual uncertainties as to whether it was the right decision for them

Well that would depend on whether they read my posts, of course.

[EmmaH2022]

I think I get it OP

If they don't love you enough to stay nearer than 7 hours away - which is a journey I'd make once a year if that - then it's like an unbalanced relationship - so why should you be expected to do the caring bit later. And with a mum in her 80s, I'm already finding it incredibly hard and we aren't that far and are very close.

If they move near to you when they need care, it's like announcing you weren't important enough to stay near when they didn't need unpaid help around. That would make me feel shit too.

[lioncitygirl]

I mean - my parents live about 14 hours away and the kids have a close relationship with them. It’s really how you manage the relationship. It’s not wrong for them to move - nor wrong the way you feel.

[LastWordsOfALiar]

@Smarshian

We have had an up and down relationship over the years.
I can’t think of a time when I will want to use a weeks holiday to stay at their house. I’m not saying I will never visit but if I do it will not be using loads of holiday, so I may work from theirs etc etc. the whole thing is just a lot more difficult than me popping down for an afternoon/ evening/ weekend.

To be frank OP, you sound like a taker, not a giver.

I can understand why you feel hurt and worried about how you'll manage with little family support, but you really wouldn't sacrifice one weeks worth of annual leave a year for your children to go visit their grandparents?

If your relationship is bad enough that you cant do that, then no wonder they think their life's too short to not follow their dream.

Presumably they've helped you the past 5 years. And all of your childhood, adolescence and into adulthood. And you can't spare a week to visit them? Let alone help them when they're frail and old? It's basic humanity.

[user1477391263]

Dunno about the OP, but most people don't get much annual leave per year. And seven hours in the car each way with children is just grisly, making shorter visits out of the question.

[fancytulip]

That is a mad age to move away from support network!

[WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps]

YANBU.