To be upset that DM is moving 7 hours away

[Smarshian]

So DM and Step Dad currently live around 1 hour away and visit often (approx 1-2 times per month) for sometimes an afternoon, or a day, occasional overnights.
They have just announced that they are moving 7 hours away. It’s a dream of theirs and I REALLY don’t begrudge them. The place looks amazing and it really is a wonderful place to be, but I am SO gutted that they won’t be around to see the kids more often and just to see them myself. They are not young, 70s, and have not thought about how they might need help in years to come.
we have 2 young DC (4&5) who are going to miss out on so much time
with their grandparents. AIBU to be absolutely gutted by this announcement

YANBU at all @Smarshian . My friend in her early 30s had her parents (in their late 50s,) move to Holland in summer 2019. Just before all the covid fuckwittery. So she hardly saw them throughout 2020 OR 2021. She had a baby in August 2021, and is really resentful that her parents are 500 miles away in another country. It doesn't seem far but it is. She rarely sees them, and has no parental support. And her baby has no relationship with her grandparents.

Have to admit, I would have been very upset if my parents had upped and left the country when I was younger/my DD was little. I know it's THEIR life yada yada... but really? Why move away from family and the people you love? I don't think you can really care for, or have any thought for the people (supposedly) close to you, and who you (supposedly) love if you move multiple 100s of miles away (8 hours drive or more.) And it's especially bad if you move to another country.

Just my opinion, but that is how I genuinely feel. If my DD moved to another country, I would wonder what I'd done wrong, and would be devastated. As a few posters have said, you can NOT support loved ones from multiple 100s (or 1000s) of miles away/in another country.

And family are meant to support one another. Parents support their children - as small children (AND adult children when they have their own children,) and then the children support the parents later when they are older. I don't mean wrapping your whole life around them, but just BEING THERE when they need you... (Within striking distance. Within half an hour to an hour's drive. Not 8 hours drive, or in another country.)

On the flip side of the coin, another friend of mine has a sister whose daughter moved away 450 miles, because she and her husband decided they wanted to live near HIS parents (they met at Uni.) 3 years after they moved there, they got married, and everyone from up North had to go down south to their wedding, pay a fortune in train fares, taxis, petrol, hotel bills etc etc (whilst HIS family just walked to the venue,) and then they had a baby a year later.

Hilariously, his parents decided to move to Canada when the baby was 9 months old! So, no parental support there from HIS parents, and none from HERS as they're 450 miles north. The brother who lives 10 minutes walk from the mum (my friend's sister,) gets regular help and support from her and his dad.

The sister (who moved down south,) moans every day about the unfairness of it all, and how HE and his wife get all the help with THEIR kids. My friend's sister said 'YOU chose to move away 450 miles down south. I can't be a support system for you when you're 10 hours drive away.' She still refuses to move back up north though. Hubby won't go as his job is down south and so is his life. SO. Stalemate!

Could they not have rented their current place and rented in the new place so it would be easier to come back?

My parents are supposedly looking at moving 2.5 hours from me. I like having them only half an hour away. But the place they are looking at would be absolutely ideal for them, and I think they need a change, so I'll be happy for them to move. (Doubt they'll ever actually do it though)

Let alone help them when they're frail and old? It's basic humanity.

If you have the answer to how you look after old and sick parents from seven hours away @ LastWordsOfALiar (and that's presumably seven hours of constant driving with no stops) I'd be glad to hear it.
When my mum had her stroke that distance away, there was nothing we could do. Both my brother and I worked and couldn't afford not to, and had our own homes and families. It is simply impossible and older people have to recognise that, if they choose to move so far away from their families.

And I say all that as someone who will be 67 this year. Yes, there are things I still want to do with my life, but I would not put my own kids through what my brother and I had to do when my mum had her stroke so far away. And we were 'lucky' in that she was left too disabled for there to be any expectation of us looking after her in situ.

She still hasn't forgiven us for bringing her back so that we can support her in her extra care facility. Nor will we ever hear a thank you or any gratitude for what we have done for her since..

Tag didn't work. My post above was for.@LastWordsOfALiar

Well I don't like the secrecy, it seems so underhanded. My children grew up with four grandparents nearby. We're now grandchildren and live near our grandchildren.

My parents and in-laws had friends who had a dream and moved away. It never ended well. It's hard to create new social lives in later life and if one parent becomes ill or dies the remaining ones really flounder.

I can't really relate as my parents lived in another country - I was the one who moved. But they in turn had moved to a different country from their parents.
You are living your life, let them live theirs.
And I don't think visiting once or twice a month when only living an hour away is frequent - do you go visit them too?
As for not fulfilling their dreams as it might make someone a bit unhappy - what the hell? It's not your responsibility to make your parents wishes for you come true, and it's not their responsibility to deny their own desires for the sake of children who are now grown up and with their own families.

I'd be gutted too! There's obviously not much you can do, it's their life of course but it's okay to feel gutted about it!

They are not young, 70s, and have not thought about how they might need help in years to come

that won't be your problem.....

They are choosing to disregard our relationship and move several hours away because being there is more important than keeping a close relationship with us.

This is just not true. I live thousands of miles away from my closest relatives. It’s an infrequent, indirect flight to my parents. I did not move there because it was more important than keeping a relationship with my family. I wasn’t disregarding them. I moved because it was the best thing for me, in that particular moment. That doesn’t mean my family comes second. It just means our relationship has changed and we’ve had to adapt to the new situation. I’m actually closer to my mum now than we lived in the same town.

It’s normal to feel sad about the move. It’s not normal to think they’ve done it out of ‘disregard’ or that you mean less to them than you think. I also wouldn’t be pre-planning helping out less in years to come because they moved away now. Make that decision when the time comes, based on your circumstances then. Otherwise it’s all just a bit petty.

I can understand why you feel hurt and rejected and I do wonder how amazing a place needs to be for a DM to move so far away from family in her later years. Is this a joint decision or is it being led by one or the other. All of us have dreams but that is quite a big trade off to essentially miss out on years of her DD and grandchildrens lives to live in a place so far away. As you say most of us as we get older move closer to family so not sure how this will turn out.

Presumably by your user name it is close to you @Cornishclio
probably a massive drip feed but she had been talking about trying to convince him to move closer to us for around a year. Which again is a bit of a kicker. I think the move is led by him but she is also willing.
step dad has been around for 30 years so no malice against him taking her away of anything, it will be a joint decision on the whole.

The OP recognising that the relationship between her dc and her Mum is going to be different if they rarely see her isn't cold or heartless - it is showing understanding of what is likely to happen.

The OP saying that she won't be able to be able to support her Mum from 7 hours away is not being cold or heartless or 'transactional' she is being realistic. It isn't at the 'nursing care' stage (which many never need), it is the "older but still able to live in their own home" stage...... many examples of which are listed by a pp. Realistically there isn't much any of us can do from that distance. It doesn't mean you are being 'transactional'. I am of an age where many of my peers are giving their parents more and more support. It is possible when they are local. It is a pain in the rear end when they live an hour or even two away, but once it gets further than you can drive there and back in a day, it becomes a real nightmare. It isn't about "how much" you love your parent, it is about what is actually possible.

It is very different from a young adult moving away. Statistically it is very unlikely a young adult is going to need someone else to change a lightbulb for them, or accompany them to hospital appointments and so forth. In the case of a person in their 70s or 80s having had their children start their lives in other places, the older folk will have had decades to build that community around them. Moving to a completely new place where you know no-one in what are likely to be your twilight years is very different from moving to a new place when you are young.

Wow, so you’re planning to punish your DM for fulfilling her long-standing dream, by not helping her if she becomes frail in the future?

No wonder she’s moving.

Ah I wondered if it was Cornwall they planned to move to. Ironically we moved 5 hours away from my DPs 35 years ago as my DH was offered a transfer down here and our DC were 3 and 1 at the time so you could argue we took my DC away. My DPs were not active GPS though and they travelled a lot and my DF was still working in a demanding job. He died about 5 years later so I have done much soul searching as to whether we did the right thing. We are so much happier though and our DC grew up to love where we live and living in London where we were would not have been as pleasant. Now we are lucky to have one of our DC just round the corner so we see our grandchildren a lot and our other DD lives 2 hours away. These decisions are not easy and normally I would say family trumps all else but in our case we chose to move away for a better life for our DC and us. My DPs did visit often though and my siblings still lived near them.

A lot of people do choose to holiday down here so maybe they are banking on that but you are right it is a long way away if you live anywhere up North or over to the East of the UK.

No, that's not what she's doing. Read my posts (and @Kite22 's post). Caring for an elderly sick parent is absolutely impossible when it involves a 14 hour return journey. Especially when you have kids of your own.

She hasn't said anything of the sort @MissLucyEyelesbarrow

she is being realistic about what she will practically be able to do.

You are right in that you won't visit. That's just being honest. I have family 4 hours away and see them a couple of times a year. We are too busy with work and other stuff to drive that far

It is sad, and I agree, the distance makes it very difficult to develop and maintain a close relationship.

I was the one who moved away from family to the other side of the world, we did visit for extended stays quite frequently, but even with that the closeness wasn't there. I've since returned and it's been such a joy seeing my DC form closer bonds with the extended family, they love hanging out with their cousins (who are all older than they are but make lots of time for them).

So you're "gutted" that they're moving but not gutted enough to waste a weeks' holiday allowance to visit them?

OK then.

If I had very limited time off, I would also do what OP plans, and work from 'home' for a few days while visiting them, rather than use whole weeks.
She's not saying that she won't visit them for a week. Just that she and her DH and kids need that holiday allowance too.

I wouldn’t make any rash decisions about visiting. They would love to have you there, and even twice a year for a weekend wouldn’t be too terrible surely.

Yes it’s not great and quite emotional now. I get that. They may well move back in a few years so don’t sour your relationship though. And get the kids into FaceTimes, it really can work if both parties are regular and put a bit of effort in.

Realistically twice a year seems unlikely don't you think? It's a days travel either way. So even just to see them for 2 days you nee 4 days off. Realistically how often is it that parents and children are free for 4 days at a time? it would be a hectic and tiring 4 days too if you spend most of it stuck in the traffic to/ from cornwall.

"If I were that mum, I just couldn't do it. As much as I would yearn to go and fulfil my dream and move to my dream home, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to seek my own happiness at the expense of someone else's. I'm not saying that the OP's mum shouldn't go where her heart desires, just that I would feel bad if pursuing my own dream caused another person's life to be less happy. Knowing that would take away all of the joy, for me."

I agree with this.

I'm the same. For example, I couldn't move away with my kids and leave my mum. She lives near us and sees the kids most days. They mean the world to her.