To be upset that DM is moving 7 hours away

[Smarshian]

So DM and Step Dad currently live around 1 hour away and visit often (approx 1-2 times per month) for sometimes an afternoon, or a day, occasional overnights.
They have just announced that they are moving 7 hours away. It’s a dream of theirs and I REALLY don’t begrudge them. The place looks amazing and it really is a wonderful place to be, but I am SO gutted that they won’t be around to see the kids more often and just to see them myself. They are not young, 70s, and have not thought about how they might need help in years to come.
we have 2 young DC (4&5) who are going to miss out on so much time
with their grandparents. AIBU to be absolutely gutted by this announcement

[Whatiswrongwithmyknee]

@Mumwithsons

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee even once a year. It’s the whole ‘I can never visit even though I really care about and miss them’ that I find a mismatch. I get the feeling of disappointment. But we have to meet our family half way, always don’t we? Even if they do things we might think isn’t great.

We can't always meet our family halfway. I am frustrated at the refusal from some posters to admit that and I think maybe OP is too with her parents refusal to admit that.

I mean this on a literal, practical sense.

Once a year may well mean no holidays ever again during the kids childhood. That is not meeting the family halfway is it?

Yes it's unlikely that they will never be able to visit but you can easily see why it feels like that to someone. Especially when this has been sprung on them.

A virtual relationship is not as good. I have lots of family abroad, my kids don't really know the ones they don't see. Not in the way we know the ones we do see.

We need to stop trying to change reality to make this less of an issue than it really is.

My hope for OP is that her parents are being more realistic than she fears and will be visiting regularly and never pressuring the OP to visit them. It is entirely possible that they have put these sort of plans in place.

[Smarshian]

We really don’t get lots of help from them in terms of childcare, an occasional hour here and there and usually a couple of days in the holidays. We will manage just paying the extra for those. It’s just that they won’t see us at all for months at a time. They won’t know the kids, the relationship will change. It’s going to be really hard and I need to manage their expectations of us visiting as it will be really difficult.

[SenecaFallsRedux]

BUT I do think older folks expecting family assistance ad they age have a responsibility to consider the family they want help from and should move closer not farther away.

I don't expect it. Knowing my children as I do, I think they will probably want to help. Lots of people help facilitate moving older relatives closer when they reach the point that they need help.

There is quite a bit of ageism on this thread: expectations that older people should defer to what is convenient for their adult children. DH and I are planning to move away for a few years after I retire next year (he is already retired). Happily, our children are fully supportive.

[TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross]

There is quite a bit of ageism on this thread: expectations that older people should defer to what is convenient for their adult children.

It’s not a question of convenience in the sneering way you phrase it. DH and I work full time and for me that means a six day week. If my parents were happily looking after themselves living miles away from every other member of their family, that would be fine and I’d think ‘good for them’. But they’re not. They can’t cope any longer but refuse to move, are resisting outside help (carers etc) but expecting me and my siblings to do the carer’s role instead and now we’re all trapped in a nightmarish situation of trying to do as much as we can mostly remotely.

I’m not expecting that they should defer to what is convenient to me, ffs. But neither am I in a position to give up my job and my family and move across the country to care for them. What is the solution - without being ‘ageist’?

[EmmaH2022]

Seneca "There is quite a bit of ageism on this thread: expectations that older people should defer to what is convenient for their adult children"

i think everyone of any age benefits from organising their life in a sensible way. So if a person needs help from another person, they will need to facilitate that help and living nearby may be part of it.

[SenecaFallsRedux]

What is the solution - without being ‘ageist’?

I don't have a solution, and I wasn't speaking to your type of situation. I think your parents are probably being unreasonable about not being willing to move. When my mother needed more help, she agreed to move to our town and to a retirement community that had elder support that was very near my house. I realize that I was lucky in that.

I hope that I will be just as reasonable when the time comes that I need help, but right now being close to retirement and recognizing that DH and I have a limited number of active, independent years left, we want to spend them in the place that we have dreamed of living for a long time, but haven't been able to move to because of work. If and when we need more help from our children, we will likely move closer to them.

[MissLucyEyelesbarrow]

i think everyone of any age benefits from organising their life in a sensible way. So if a person needs help from another person, they will need to facilitate that help and living nearby may be part of it

That is true, but the OP's parents don't need any help at the moment. They might never need any help. Lots of people manage old age without support from their families. And not everyone has a protracted period of frailty. MN has a very skewed view of old age. As an HCP, I have plenty of patients in their 80s and 90s who are living independently without family close by.

I've been a carer to both my parents, so I don't underestimate the difficulties, but the OP is not in that situation at the moment.

At 70ish, her parents might be lucky and have a couple of decades of good quality life ahead of them. They should pursue their dreams but, if they do need help from the OP in the future, they should expect to move closer to her again.

[DreamToNightmare]

YANBU.

My FIL has my husband and my husbands brother as his children.

My DH’s brother has always lived away from the home town (he’s in the forces) and so FIL hasn’t really seen his grandchildren grow up on that side.

Me and DH live a 10 minute walk away from FIL and he is a very active part of my children’s lives and they adore him. They are 8 and 4 years old.

Lady month FIL announced he’s moving to the other end of the country to be near his other so he can spend time with those children and get to know them as he’s missed out on their childhood. Those three children are 16, 15 and 14.

Me and DH are quite upset as I imagibr at those ages they aren’t going to want to hang around with their 72 year old grandad, whereas our 4 and 8 year old children are incredibly sad they won’t see their grandad anymore.

All that will happen is that he will miss out on seeing his younger grandchildren growing up and being part of their lives in the same way that says he missed out on with his other grandchildren.

I obviously know we have no say on where he lives but it does sting a bit that he’s just dropped our children in favour of his other grandchildren who are probably even too old to care whether he’s around or not. It’s just hard seeing my children so sad that he’s leaving.

[LetsGoCrazyPurpleBanana]

I'd be upset too. My parents relocated almost 5 hours away 6 years ago. Shortly after that my dad was diagnosed with cancer and died 4 years ago. My mum is alone and I'm dreading her getting older and infirm :(

[entropynow]

@FineWordsForAPorcupine

Nothing brutally honest or even true about your prediction. I used to work in adults social care and even those getting multiple care calls a day were majority staying in their own homes. Healthier old people almost exclusively do.

[KettrickenSmiled]

@80sMum

If I were that mum, I just couldn't do it. As much as I would yearn to go and fulfil my dream and move to my dream home, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to seek my own happiness at the expense of someone else's. I'm not saying that the OP's mum shouldn't go where her heart desires, just that I would feel bad if pursuing my own dream caused another person's life to be less happy. Knowing that would take away all of the joy, for me.

Women - have you experienced parturition?
Then STAY IN YOUR LANE.

Your life is no longer your own & must be sacrificed to everyone else's happiness.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I am just fully aware that we won’t visit like she thinks we will. It just won’t happen. We have limited holiday which must be taken in school holidays, due to childcare issues."
I think this is the point you have to get across to your mother. I wonder if she thinks that because she's going to Cornwall and Cornwall is a holiday destination, she has some sort of rosy fantasy that you and the children will automatically come to visit as your actual holiday? And be resistant to the idea that you wouldn't see that as a holiday at all, but a family visit?

It's already been mentioned that when someone moves away, the family 'left behind' fill the gap left in their lives with other people, and the relationship with those who have moved changes. It's not deliberate, it's not malicious, but it is inevitable. I always remember what a 'left behind' said to me about the person who had moved - "did she think that when she moved, the rest of us were wrapped in cotton wool and put into a drawer, only to be taken back out when she came back?" And I saw what they meant. The returner couldn't quite get that those they'd left behind, their lives had moved on, and as life does, their lives had diverged from the life of the leaver. There were no shared memories or events from the years they'd been away, just letters and phone calls. The retutner was a bit hurt that they no longer held a central place in the life of the family they'd left behind. But what was the alternative? That those they'd left behind would live with an unfilled hole for years?

Is your mother prepared for the inevitable lessening of their connection to you and your children? Is she even aware of the possibility?

[Gherkingreen]

@Smarshian we live 6 hours away from MIL, she lives in a beautiful part of the UK and has done for 30 years. We visited a couple of times a year when DCs were small, perfect for family holidays.
But she's been very unwell for the past two years and has no family nearby. She's 30 miles from nearest hospital. Services to support the elderly have been stripped back so trying to access health and social care support is nigh on impossible. Public transport is poor.
We're at the stage of discussing whether MIL should move nearer to us, but she's understandably resistant. However the current state of things can't continue as DH has regularly stayed with her for weeks at a time after she's been in hospital to look after her, only possible while he's been able to work remotely. That's the reality of it for us, sadly.

[saraclara]

@entropynow

@FineWordsForAPorcupine

Nothing brutally honest or even true about your prediction. I used to work in adults social care and even those getting multiple care calls a day were majority staying in their own homes. Healthier old people almost exclusively do.

The only old people in my family who managed to stay in their homes with carers coming in, were/are only able to do so because they are also supported by family members, or in one case a wonderful neighbour.

Four visits from carers doesn't get shopping done, the house cleaned, the washing done, bills paid, personal admin etc etc etc.

My SIL had to give up her job in order to spend half the week with my MIL, two hours away, so that she could stay in her own home with 4x daily carer visits. My SIL did everything around the house, cooked meals for the carers to heat up for MIL and basically everything that enabled MIL to manage for the other half of the week.

[Bubblebubblebah]

Kids can still have relationship. We used to stay with GPs couple of weeks in summer. It was great and we love each other still

[entropynow]

@saraclara

The only old people in my family who managed to stay in their homes with carers coming in, were/are only able to do so because they are also supported by family members, or in one case a wonderful neighbour.

Four visits from carers doesn't get shopping done, the house cleaned, the washing done, bills paid, personal admin etc etc etc.

My SIL had to give up her job in order to spend half the week with my MIL, two hours away, so that she could stay in her own home with 4x daily carer visits. My SIL did everything around the house, cooked meals for the carers to heat up for MIL and basically everything that enabled MIL to manage for the other half of the week.

Your personal experience is your personal experience and only that. In any case, my point was that the idea of 'everyone' having to go into sheltered housing etc simply isn't the case even for those with care needs, who are themselves a minority.

[saraclara]

@entropynow

Your personal experience is your personal experience and only that. In any case, my point was that the idea of 'everyone' having to go into sheltered housing etc simply isn't the case even for those with care needs, who are themselves a minority.

But experience (and those of others) is what we use to decide whether a course of action is sensible or not. I won't be doing what my mum did and moving seven hours away from my support system to a remote location and a house that is hazardous if you're not fully mobile and agile.

I'll also ensure that I have easy proximity to public transport, so that I'm neither isolated not dependent on others, needlessly.

Assuming never ending good health and agility when you're making plans in your 70s is simply unwise.

[BadNomad]

You sound like a horrible daughter. Your mother is in her 70s and finally doing something she has wanted to do for years, but because it doesn't suit you're not going to help her out in the future if she needs it. Are you going to be a martyr to your own children all their lives? Are you going to wash your hands of them if they decide to move away from you when they're older? Will you refuse to visit them?

[Nesbo]

These poor doddery 70-odd year olds who can’t be trusted to use a lifetime of experience to make a sensible fucking decision about how to live their lives!

Someone mentioned ageism above and I think it is all over this thread. I’m mid 40’s at the moment and I’d be pretty pissed off if someone started patronising me suggesting that perhaps I hadn’t properly considered the consequences of my decisions, particularly ones I’d been thinking about for the last decade.

I’m pretty sure that in another 25 years my reaction will be pretty much the same. And yet there are people on here who seem to think that once you hit your 70’s, rather than being respected you should be treated like an errant child who can no longer be fully trusted to run your own life.

Fuck. That.

[WalterWexler]

Can totally relate OP.

DM and DF moved 6hrs away. They have never had the closest relationship with their grandkids.

We see them maybe 1 or twice a year because of the distance and yet always moaning no one see them.

We've naturally become closer to the in laws as they are the closest relatives now, and often have them over at the weekend. I can tell DM silently seethes over this though.

After 5 years, they've Announced they're moving closer to us now. I think they've realised their "dream" life wasn't all its cracked up to be.

[escapingthecity]

One set of our GPs live 400 miles away and it's about a 7 hour drive (shorter flight/train journey). It is hard. We do a lot of video calls. They are v good at coming down to see us/combining trips to us with other things they want to do. They understand that as they are retired and we both work and have 2 v young DCs they can be more flexible. As the kids grow up I'm hoping they will still be up to having them to stay for a few days during school holidays. You can make it work, it just takes a bit of understanding on both sides about the constraints of the other.

[Whatiswrongwithmyknee]

@Bubblebubblebah

Kids can still have relationship. We used to stay with GPs couple of weeks in summer. It was great and we love each other still

Did your parents do a 14-hour round trip to get you there or did your grandparents?

[saturdaymorningbored]

If they then move back in 10 years and want help themselves I may be frankly less inclined to help.

Good god, what an awful attitude you have op

[saraclara]

@Nesbo

These poor doddery 70-odd year olds who can’t be trusted to use a lifetime of experience to make a sensible fucking decision about how to live their lives!

Someone mentioned ageism above and I think it is all over this thread. I’m mid 40’s at the moment and I’d be pretty pissed off if someone started patronising me suggesting that perhaps I hadn’t properly considered the consequences of my decisions, particularly ones I’d been thinking about for the last decade.

I’m pretty sure that in another 25 years my reaction will be pretty much the same. And yet there are people on here who seem to think that once you hit your 70’s, rather than being respected you should be treated like an errant child who can no longer be fully trusted to run your own life.

Fuck. That.

I'm 66 and the first to call out ageism. But unfortunately my life was entirely fucked up by my mum following her dream without a sensible thought in her head, at 73 and then expecting me to pick up the pieces from seven hours away.

It's great to have a positive outlook at that age, but we also need to be realistic. My passion is independent long haul travel. I'm doing as much of it as I can now, because experience tells me that I won't always be as fit and mobile as I am now.

If I move, it will be with an eye on the services I might need and the suitability of my home in ten or twenty years time.

If I'm like my Auntie who's 90, still traveling and still independent, that'll be great, and I won't have lost anything.

[Bubblebubblebah]

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

Did your parents do a 14-hour round trip to get you there or did your grandparents?

No. Because that would be more than it takes to cross my country☺️. It was just 4. Went up on sat early, they drove back sunday afternoon. Came back 2 weeks later. Sometimes grandma picked us up by train. Same came sat morning, left sun or Monday with us, parents drove 2 weeks later. Other set of grandparents was usually with is in cabin 4.5 hours away where they spent summers, they drove so it was sometimes them, sometimes parents.
My friend still does this between few EU countries. Each set is about 8 hours drive.