To be upset that DM is moving 7 hours away

[Smarshian]

So DM and Step Dad currently live around 1 hour away and visit often (approx 1-2 times per month) for sometimes an afternoon, or a day, occasional overnights.
They have just announced that they are moving 7 hours away. It’s a dream of theirs and I REALLY don’t begrudge them. The place looks amazing and it really is a wonderful place to be, but I am SO gutted that they won’t be around to see the kids more often and just to see them myself. They are not young, 70s, and have not thought about how they might need help in years to come.
we have 2 young DC (4&5) who are going to miss out on so much time
with their grandparents. AIBU to be absolutely gutted by this announcement

I see what you're saying @locke360 but a long weekend only works if OP & her DH are both prepared to make the journey with their young children/book time off work - otherwise it's the poor OP doing it alone. 7 hours is such a long time in a car on one day! Bad traffic /accident/bad weather could make that even longer tbh. 2 full days would be spent travelling. No fun at all! Parents & kids have commitments at weekends too - swimming lessons 0/football/parties. My kids would have hated doing that journey at that age. & that's just the journey logistics. My parents only lived 3 hours away but when they were both ill/dying (at 72 yrs & 77 yrs - 4 years apart from each other) it was an absolute nightmare for me racing up & down the M1 every other weekend when my kids were younger (8 & 12 when DD was dying & 12 &16 when it was DMs turn 😪). Fortunately my 2 DSis & various relatives lived in same town as my DP so they were able to help out more (& I offered instead to sort out stairlift /carers /cleaners etc etc that I could do over the phone. I'm not suggesting your DM/DStepD will get ill as young as mine did OP but I think they are bonkers to think such a move is going to work out. They will have no network of support at all. If its rural Cornwall they might not have many neighbours nearby. Do they like driving at night cos roads are winding & no streetlights. I'm only 47 & I hate night driving now. I can totally see why you feel blindsided by their decision OP! That's a huge journey for your elderly parents to make too! How many more years will they be able to drive for/want to drive on big motorways for? I personally hate the M4.

Oh FFS are you one of the OP's parents?????

As a pp said, how come it's SELFISH for the OP to say she won't bother looking after her parents 10-15 years down the line when they need it as they clearly CBA to be there for her now... But it's NOT selfish for them to fuck off 100s of miles way and be nowhere near the OP for parental support? Disingenuous much???!!!

My in-laws moved to a random part of the country which takes us 35 mins to get to. They are in their 80s, have both had serious health problems and DH is an only child. It is a nightmare

35 minutes ?! That's less than my daily commute to work! Hardly selfish of your in-laws @Chorusgirl . And random part of the country? It's probably in the same county as you!
It's hardly the 7 hours that the OP will have.

I'd be gutted too op. They have obviously been planning it for a long time but 70s is a late stage in life to be moving away from loved ones. You won't see them as much and it will be harder to maintain the closeness with the grandkids. That's a v long journey for you and as they age, your dp may struggle with traveling to you. My dp are in their 80s now - dm no longer drives and df does, but gets tired. A 7 hour drive would be over 2 days and he'd find it tiring. Public transport is not always easier either.

Whether or not you feel inclined to help them when they age depends on a lot of factors. Try not to worry about it now as it's impossible to know how things will pan out.

One thing that is jumping out at me, reading all the comments from adult children struggling with supporting aging parents, is the issue of car dependency. The UK is going to really struggle with this in years to come, as so much of the UK is designed so that people simply can't get things done without a car--yet as people age and develop all kinds of health and mobility issues, it gets riskier and riskier for them to drive. Adult children (mostly daughters) will end up taking up the slack.

The houses have all been bought up by retirees so no carers can afford to live here either.

And this, too. Housing has gone up and up in price in this country, especially in places like Cornwall that many people think it would be nice to retire too. It's not going to be easy to get cleaners, gardeners, nurses and other helpers in such circumstances. If people living right outside the elderly people's area are hired and have to drive all the way in, the cost of transportation will have to be factored into the cost of all this.

The UK should have spent the past few decades developing inner city sites (brownfield land, parking lots) into dense, senior-friendly housing areas, featuring accessible flats with elevators to ensure elderly people can live independently as long as possible. Flats could be set within walking/scootering distance of hospitals, shops and services, and this would also mean that the carers, cleaners and the like could live locally and access elderly people's homes easily. And we should have been creating public transport that can be accessed easily by the frail and elderly, like trams that are flat to the ground level enabling people with mobility scooters and walkers to use them.

Elder care is set to be a massive issue anyway, due to demographics; the very least we could do would be to ensure that older people can manage by themselves as long as possible, so that adult daughters don't wind up spending half their lives driving their parents about from place to place.

As usual, though, everyone just puts their heads in the sand and waits until a crisis develops.

YANBU. Most of these comments are your typical MN ‘I’m not in your position so can be all philosophical and detached about it and say YABU’ ones.

You say they’re in their 70s, and I assume they’re moving somewhere either rural or totally unsuitable for their needs in (not that many) years to come? What a stupid decision.

I would do what you’re doing, make it clear I won’t be dragging my kids 7 hours across the country for regular visits, and warn them that they can’t expect to maintain the same relationships with them that they’ve enjoyed this last however many years. They shouldn’t be surprised if they ping back in 10 years desperate for care and support only to find their grandkids don’t really know them and are reluctant to help.

As for you, I wouldn’t feel overly obliged to do much for them either. Keep in contact by all means and stay on friendly terms but I wouldn’t go out of my way to help when the inevitable happens.

If I had a pound for every older person who said to me that they don’t want to bother their children but have made no alternative plans whatsoever and have chosen to live somewhere with limited public transport and 45 mins and 3 buses from the nearest hospital because they ‘always wanted to live near the sea’ . What happens ; the dc end up having to come to the rescue often reluctantly but there is no alternative other than the parents sink further and further into chaos or die in squalor ( sorry to be blunt)

Absolutely this.

Its all part of this odd British mentality where elderly people want to live rurally or in their family homes which are by this time completely unsuitable for their needs, with family members/the NHS/social care picking up the pieces. They’re trying to hang on to their younger years but it actually ages them very quickly, cut off from life and physically unable to do much.

Public transport is so crucial.... my parents are in their 80s and live in a big city where public transport is fantastic and free. They are in great health and have a full and active life compared to many of their friends.... some of this is luck but in all honesty I think it's a lot to do with buses!

YANBU: it's really hard to be so far away from your parents. My DM and SDF moved 4 hours away last year. I helped them find their place, we helped them move in, we visit in school holidays when we can, etc. It's still not the same as having them 10 minutes down the road as they were before.

I'm an only child, and have no other extended family near by. DH's family are less than useless. Neither ever provided childcare etc, but DH's family, despite being close by, don't even call/text/visit at all. No falling out, just laziness (on his part too in fairness, but there are unresolved issues from his childhood that I suspect play into this).

But no, OP, YANBU to have feelings about this. As you have said, it's important to be supportive and happy for them to achieve this dream. You're still allowed to have your own feelings about it - and to miss your Mum!

It's by far not just British tbh.

I know quite a few retirees who moved into their cabins if they were suitable, on the continent. Tbf they have functioning healthcare even in villages so it's probably different.

I would also imagine OP that your DM/DSD have about 15 more 'good' years with their grandkids before they turn 18 & are off to college/Uni/jobs etc. My kids are 14 & 18 now & aren't really that bothered about spending time with DH parents who live a 20 min drive away from us (my parents are both dead). Of course we regularly go round & see them & have lunch/play boardgames (which we all LOVE doing) but my kids have full & busy lives & don't 'need' their grandparents like they did when they were under 10 etc. We don't need to ask them to babysit now either as kids can manage on their own for a night or two. We all just did a massive family holiday together (in Cornwall, funnily enough) & kids loved it but mainly cos they ran feral with their cousins. I think your DM/DSD are going to miss out on really vital time to build a close bond with your kids tbh & I can 100% see why you feel so sad & frustrated by the whole situation.

"Its all part of this odd British mentality where elderly people want to live rurally or in their family homes which are by this time completely unsuitable for their needs, with family members/the NHS/social care picking up the pieces. They’re trying to hang on to their younger years but it actually ages them very quickly, cut off from life and physically unable to do much."

it actually ages them very quickly

This resonates with me. My already infirm inlaws were so deluded that they took on a major renovation project at 60, 90 mins from their kids.
10 years on and they are living in squalor. The smallest project takes months. They never decluttered properly for their 'downsize' either, so are surrounded by stuff (which MIL refuses to get rid of).
The house is dirty and has worn them down.
The whole process has aged them terribly.

What an incredibly odd post. According to you, every person/couple, when they hit say, 65, should sell their 'family home' and move into sheltered accommodation or a care home??? How is an elderly couples family home they raised the kids in 'now unsuitable?' I know many older people who stayed in the 3 bed semi they raised their kids in, and they don't have/need any more community care than people in bungalows.

As for the 'living rurally' comment... The villages in my county are way more friendly, with more community spirit and community activities, and help and care for the elderly and disabled, than the towns, and cities, and the dreadful suburbs, where people live in a cul de sac within a cul de sac within a cul de sac where it's 12-15 minutes walk to the nearest bus stop.

Wow

I may be unpopular in this opinion but I think your perspective is very much about the impact this has on your life rather than theirs.

Im tired of reading posts from parents who think their parents often in elderly years are expected to be there for their grandchildren, be it to lend a hand, childcare etc…. It’s not their responsibility, it’s yours as a parent, let them live out their dream, they’ve done their share of parenting it’s now their time to live out what they want, you only have one life. Let’s be honest if you’re that bothered about seeing them then you’d make the effort to use your holiday, the fact you say you don’t have many holidays and wouldn’t travel says it all, I read it that you’re miffed that they’d move because you can’t call upon them for help and it would hinder your lifestyle …

@Mummyoftwolittleones and it doesn't even have to cost holidays days much. Everyone I know who lives FAR away (including some birder crossing!) Goes for weekend, leaves kids, comes back week or two later. It doesn't have to take up 5 weeks every year

You've said they visit 'lots' but then said once or twice a month and they only live an hour and a half away. My own parents live 4 hours away and they visit a lot more often than that. Yanbu to be upset. How much care if any you want to give them is up to you. Do I personally think your comments are petty, yes I do but I have a family dynamic where I can be quite frank with my parents and would have discussed this earlier and absolved them of any silly notions such as nothing will change. They can't expect your relationship not to change and you need to make it clear that going forward visiting won't be very often.

You sound like you have a more complex relationship than average with your mother. Maybe take the time to deal with those issues?

I’m amazed that you see your parents who live 4 hours away more than twice a month!
I work full time and have kids at school and kids (and our own) sports clubs so there is no way we can visit them on week days.
They are the closest of all our family on both sides, so even if we did a permanent rotation of weekend visits to siblings and parents it would be once every 6 weeks per family, and we would NEVER have a weekend at home. So to me 1-2 times a month is a lot!

And yet you’e expecting OP to martyr herself by giving up on holidays to visit her parents.

Exactly, plus, they only dropped this bombshell when they were about to complete on the new property. They do t seem to be bothered about upsetting you. Let them get on with it.

I’m roughly DMs age. It’s a very difficult decision and you want to grab those hopefully active years. The trouble is the beyond that. The short frequent contact with grandchildren is so much deeper than long holidays. As GC grow they are less likely to make these visits and then there’s their children if time allows. Obviously disability and illness in later years. I would feel better to take long regular holidays to the new place and keep near my dear relatives. But I’m just say OP is not UR even taking into account DM wellbeing as it stands

Zombie! WHY @Fraine WHY? 😩

Ah so sorry! It showed at the bottom of the page for me!!

Eh? No I don't. OP isn't obligated to do anything. DM can live her life how she wants and just has to accept not seeing her grandchildren as much.