To be upset that DM is moving 7 hours away

[Smarshian]

So DM and Step Dad currently live around 1 hour away and visit often (approx 1-2 times per month) for sometimes an afternoon, or a day, occasional overnights.
They have just announced that they are moving 7 hours away. It’s a dream of theirs and I REALLY don’t begrudge them. The place looks amazing and it really is a wonderful place to be, but I am SO gutted that they won’t be around to see the kids more often and just to see them myself. They are not young, 70s, and have not thought about how they might need help in years to come.
we have 2 young DC (4&5) who are going to miss out on so much time
with their grandparents. AIBU to be absolutely gutted by this announcement

What ever? Then I guess the relationship really wasn't that close.

My parents are immigrants so my grandparents lived more than 7 hours away. We visited every year or two and I had a good relationship with them.

I don’t think they should do that (and they don’t do masses now), but they will help out now and then if needed.
We have a regular babysitting exchange with another family which works well. They have also offered to continue doing a week of childcare in the school holidays for us once a year, which is lovely. The problem is, they won’t be here to offer us support at a time where need it the most, so that they can follow their dreams. I will not be prepared in 10 years time to give up my dreams to give them lots of increased support and care. I am not saying I will cut them off at all, but I won’t be giving up new found freedom to take on lots of additional caring once my kids are teenagers when they have chosen to move 7 hours away.

Just seen your latest, it really is a transactional relationship isn't it?

I suppose adult children are less likely to need quite as much support with health issues etc.

It sounds like the decision has already been made, there’s not much you can do about it.

Mine did a similar move down to the south west, only they anticipated we’d all eventually follow. We didn’t. They now can’t afford to move back to the south east as property prices have since risen exponentially. I don’t think they fully considered the ramifications of living 6 hours drive from the rest of the family.

We have had an up and down relationship over the years.
I can’t think of a time when I will want to use a weeks holiday to stay at their house. I’m not saying I will never visit but if I do it will not be using loads of holiday, so I may work from theirs etc etc. the whole thing is just a lot more difficult than me popping down for an afternoon/ evening/ weekend.

I had some sympathy with your initial posts, but not after your last one - very eye-opening.

You feel rejected perhaps.

Look, no one "owes" their parents care in their old age. But hopefully, the idea is that, during your own childhood and early adulthood, you forged a loving, mutally respectful relationship that means you want to help your parents have a comfortable, pleasant old age. Not because they bought it with childcare for your children, not because they gave up a lifelong dream, but because you...love them?

You are honestly of the opinion that, if your parents took five years right now to fulfill a lifelong dream (which its basically now or never) you would say "well, it should be NEVER then, because I need childcare, and if you don't, then GOOD LUCK being old, because when you come back, I will be TOO BUSY with my newfound freedom of parenting teenagers to care about you - you blew it!"

My thoughts as well.
Your first post sounded as if you were genuinely going to miss them ,but your subsequent posts suggest that the lack of childcare help is your main issue.

Oh blimey, now I feel stupid for being so sympathetic! You don’t sound like you actually like them, other than what they can do for you.

Op, the more you say the worse you sound.

Perhaps this isn’t coming across very well as I have a real mix of emotions going on.
I will be GUTTED that they are moving away. I think to the point that I will struggle to speak about it to DM. Yes we have had ups and downs but have found a good relationship over the past few years. I am devastated for myself and the kids who are so close to her (and my step dad).
I am just fully aware that we won’t visit like she thinks we will. It just won’t happen. We have limited holiday which must be taken in school holidays, due to childcare issues. DM has previously helped with childcare, although not on a regular basis. I don’t expect masses from her, but I will not be prepared to be giving lots of time and support to her in 10 years time if she has chosen to move 7 hours away.

My DC are closest to her as a grandparent and I’m gutted for them too.

I can’t think of a time when I will want to use a weeks holiday to stay at their house

Wow, that close relationship your kids have with them really means a lot to you, doesn't it?

No, I don't think that. That's the thing. I would be happy for them and encourage them to pursue their dreams. I would never let them know if it made me sad, because that would make them feel guilty.

This is it. I don’t want them to give up their dreams AT ALL. I just honestly feel like my DM has told me I am not important enough to her life. It probably sounds ridiculous but that’s how I am feeling right now.
im sure that given time I will feel differently but I am feeling massively rejected and I can’t even begin to break it to the DC.

I dont blame you @Smarshian

They have made their choices and you are making yours. Nothing at all wrong with that.

My mum did this in her early 70s. She couldn't have moved to a more difficult to get to part of the country. We never visited her, and she came to us once.

Then she had a massive stroke a year later, and expected to stay there. But of course she couldn't. There was no-one to care for her, and she'd chosen to live in a tiny cottage (with no room for an electric wheelchair to be used) in a hamlet in a valley that got snowed in during winter (so carers wouldn't be able to get to her).

We had to get her back and into a nursing home near us. She was furious at having to come back to her old area.

We'd had (amicable) discussions about these possible consequences of her moving so far away when she first decided to go, but she'd refused to entertain them, and went anyway. As of course was her right, and we understood that. But jeeze, it was a nightmare scenario with me making a sixteen hour return journey when she had her stroke (and my late husband was particularly sick with the cancer that killed him, so his mum had to come down to take care of him while I was away)

Sorry, that's a depressing account, and in your case there are two of them to look after each other, and hopefully your partner is and will remain well. But do make sure that you have these converstions befre they go. And make it clear that you simply cannot care for them if something like that happens, so what is their solution to a situation like that.

But you've probably been the focus of your mum's life for the last, what? 30-40 years? And now you're settled with two kids who are going into full time school so if this is not the time for her to live her dream then when is? It is sad for you and the children in that you'll miss her. But surely you want her to have some fun before she's too elderly to do it?

Am I unusual? Somebody said "martyr". I wasn't expecting that! I've always lived my life for other people, ie my family. I felt that was what I was supposed to do, you know, put others' needs before my own? Do other people not do this then? I've been the way I am for as long as I can remember. I don't think I can change now.

Would they consider renting out their current house and renting in the area they want to relocate to?

It would make moving back much more feasible should they need to in coming years.

I just honestly feel like my DM has told me I am not important enough to her life.

I felt that too. And for my kids.
In all honesty I'm not and never was close to my mum. So I didn't exactly miss her. But I still felt sad that she was prepared to not see us and that we simply weren''t a valuable or enjoyable part of her life.

The thing is, they'll move away and your life will fill in the spaces they used to fill. And your kids will grow and just not be as close to them. So when/if they decide in years to come to return they'll need to accept the way your life will be running without them there. If they haven't thought this through thats up to them. You have your kids and your own feelings to look after now.

I’m not sure why you think I have been the focus of her life for 30-40 years. I haven’t lived in the same city as her for the last 16 years.
I absolutely want her to have some fun but I just don’t think they have thought through what they are doing. They will have no support down there. My DB lives even further away than I do (and also hasn’t lived within 2 hours of them for 18 years)

You shouldn't have to. Remember mn is full of posters of all age posting. Ive a feeling there's lots of younger posters on this thread without the life experience you might have.

Wow. This is a truly horrible thread. Your updates just get worse and worse. Your mum has been a mum and supported you in the early years of your children's lives. When would be a good time for her to follow her dreams? How utterly mean that you'll not support her when she's old because she's not close enough to watch your kids for you to get a hair cut.