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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for only leaving my son the house?

443 replies

macadams · 31/08/2022 20:13

Since my ex wife and I recently got divorced I changed my will to leaving equal shares of my assets (aside from the house) to my three children instead of all to my ex. The only thing I hadn't changed in the will was to leave the house solely to my eldest son, Thomas.

After I had everything finalized I ended up sending the updated will to my ex so she could keep it for her records. She was quite upset when she read it. She says that it is unfair and that all my assets, including the house, should be split equally between all three kids in the event of my death.

My reasoning for only leaving Thomas the house is because he is actually the son I had with my late wife. The house was from her parents. Being that Thomas is the only one of my children that was also their grandchild I feel it is only right that he inherit the house.

My ex wife knew about the history of the house, but had mistakenly assumed all these years that all three children would get an equal stake in the property. I had actually told her to look through the previous will when we first got married, but apparently she only glanced at it. Obviously there was a lack of proper communication, but we cant change the past. So here we are.

Am I being unreasonable here? or is my ex wife?

OP posts:
juice92 · 31/08/2022 21:07

You are doing the right thing. It is from his mother and his grandparents before that. This isn't a case of picking a favourite it's a case of making sure he gets what was intended for him

LBFseBrom · 31/08/2022 21:07

I think you have done the right thing.

EarringsandLipstick · 31/08/2022 21:07

SWSUN · 31/08/2022 21:00

I am in Thomas’s mum’s position (sort of) in that I am v ill and soon pass away.

I recently re wrote my will so that mg half of our will go in trust for DD. DH can do whatever he likes with his half. If he ever has more children they will not be benefit from my assets regardless if where they grew up etc.

This is common advice on here to protect DC from future disinheritance and would seem to apply morally if not legally here?

I'm very sorry to read this 💐💐💐

Sakura7 · 31/08/2022 21:07

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 31/08/2022 21:03

That would be logical if he had bought the house with his first wife, but they were given it by her parents, that gift from the grandparents has nothing to do with his subsequent children, who will inherit from their mum & her parents. Are they going to split their assets between the three children? I expect not. Plus Thomas may want to keep the inherited house, not be forced to sell his grandparents house to give the others money. Money that's not at all anything to do with them..

Show quote history

So for every will, do we need to imagine what the will of people two generations back might have been? Life happens and people's family situations evolve.

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 31/08/2022 21:07

You've done the right thing.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 31/08/2022 21:07

nerdsville · 31/08/2022 21:02

I was really on the fence and then I read this - this absolutely makes sense. This way Thomas receives his mum's whole share of the house and your three children split your share between them, seems like the fairest option available.

Show quote history

@nerdsville

thomas' mum 's SHARE is the whole house, given yonHRR, by HER Parents. It's not a house bought between her & the OP.

SammySueTwo · 31/08/2022 21:08

SWSUN · 31/08/2022 21:00

I am in Thomas’s mum’s position (sort of) in that I am v ill and soon pass away.

I recently re wrote my will so that mg half of our will go in trust for DD. DH can do whatever he likes with his half. If he ever has more children they will not be benefit from my assets regardless if where they grew up etc.

This is common advice on here to protect DC from future disinheritance and would seem to apply morally if not legally here?

So sorry to hear about your situation.
I agree.

The ex-wife may also state that she’s dividing things three ways - this may not currently be true or might be the case but she may change her mind. No guarantees there.

I would also factor in the potential inheritance from ex-wife’s parents - where Thomas may get nil. This could mean an alternative pendulum swing.

EarringsandLipstick · 31/08/2022 21:09

Life happens and people's family situations evolve

Exactly.

Thereisnolight · 31/08/2022 21:09

EarringsandLipstick · 31/08/2022 21:07

I'm very sorry to read this 💐💐💐

Show quote history

I’m very sorry to read this but you are wise.
I would do exactly the same.

EarringsandLipstick · 31/08/2022 21:10

It's not a house bought between her & the OP

No. But he acquired a legal right to that house by virtue of marriage. It did not remain solely his wife's house (barring any special arrangement).

DirectionToPerfection · 31/08/2022 21:10

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 31/08/2022 21:07

@nerdsville

thomas' mum 's SHARE is the whole house, given yonHRR, by HER Parents. It's not a house bought between her & the OP.

Show quote history

No, they were married and she left it to her husband.

MassiveSalad22 · 31/08/2022 21:10

Dotcheck · 31/08/2022 20:20

How do you think your children would feel?

Are you going to equalise by giving the others a bit more of other assets?

It does seem unfair. If you decide to go ahead with this, you should explain it to your other children

Well hopefully they will be/have been raised to be mature and empathetic and be able to comprehend the situation outlined in the OP.

Horcruxe · 31/08/2022 21:10

This is why everyone should get their wills sorted, especially the mums.

I'm sure Thomas's mum would rather her assets went to Thomas and not your other kids.
The only smart thing you are doing now is updating your will, and luckily in your previous will you also had the house put down for Thomas as if you had passed away, it is highly unlikely your ex wife would have left anything to Thomas.

Drivebye · 31/08/2022 21:10

I really can't understand why posters think you shouldn't do this. The house should 100% go to Thomas. This is why my Will bypasses my DP and everything goes to the children. I don't want my stuff going to someone else or their children regardless if DP is their father.

Iamnotthe1 · 31/08/2022 21:11

Fundamentally they all need to be treated the same, however it's done practically.

But they aren't the same so why should they be treated the same? Will Thomas inherit from his ex-stepmother's parents? Uncles and aunts? Will she still include him in her wills in 5 years? 10? 20? Will she keep him balanced with everything if she remarries and has more children or her new partner already has some?

These situations are complex and so a simplistic 'split three ways so it's fair' just isn't appropriate.

Thereisnolight · 31/08/2022 21:11

Drivebye · 31/08/2022 21:10

I really can't understand why posters think you shouldn't do this. The house should 100% go to Thomas. This is why my Will bypasses my DP and everything goes to the children. I don't want my stuff going to someone else or their children regardless if DP is their father.

Me too!

EarringsandLipstick · 31/08/2022 21:12

Drivebye · 31/08/2022 21:10

I really can't understand why posters think you shouldn't do this. The house should 100% go to Thomas. This is why my Will bypasses my DP and everything goes to the children. I don't want my stuff going to someone else or their children regardless if DP is their father.

If he's your DP and not your DH you can do this (tho it's kind of awful IMO). You cannot do so if you are married, as OP was.

There are inheritance rights linked to marriage.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 31/08/2022 21:12

EarringsandLipstick · 31/08/2022 21:07

Yes, I agree that's a possibility. It depends tho on whether the other assets available to OP are equal. It would be unusual for him to have 2 x value of a house to dispose of in this way.

Fundamentally they all need to be treated the same, however it's done practically.

Show quote history

No they don't.

thomas's MUM was given the house by HER parents, it should pass, in its entirety, to Thomas. The OP didn't buy it.

then the rest of his estate gets split equally between his 3 children.

averageavocado · 31/08/2022 21:12

Ihatethenewlook · 31/08/2022 20:43

This. I completely understand your way of thinking op. But if you’ve spent any time on these boards you’ll understand that you are going to destroy your childrens relationships with each other. Leaving your children an equal share cannot in any way be seen as unfair. Leaving one child the entire house will definitely be seen as unfair. Regardless of who owned the house previously, it is now yours.

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I disagree completely

the other 2 children are not your late wifes children

Wheredoestheblackfluffcomefrom · 31/08/2022 21:12

Op i understand. I want my daughter to have my house. My DH can remarry, be happy with my total blessing but my home, for her please.

ChickinMarango · 31/08/2022 21:13

There is totally nothing wrong with this @macadams My Husband and myself have had talks that should anything happen to either of us, assets are to go into trusts and be protected if either of us remarry. That way our DC benefit as they should and do not lose any money intended for them.

Dee9409 · 31/08/2022 21:14

you are definitely doing the right thing, he deserves that house and his mother would have wanted that too.
Don't get dragged into this equality non argument.
your son deserves that and he won’t be getting anything from anyone else. You owe that to him. That is truly fair. Don’t second guess yourself at all! You’re doing the exact right thing.

Sakura7 · 31/08/2022 21:14

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 31/08/2022 21:07

@nerdsville

thomas' mum 's SHARE is the whole house, given yonHRR, by HER Parents. It's not a house bought between her & the OP.

Show quote history

So if a man inherits a house from his parents, then gets married, has a child and the family make that house their home - does the wife have no right to that property? Legally you'll find she does.

RedHelenB · 31/08/2022 21:15

Runningintolife · 31/08/2022 20:31

I think you are doing Thomas a disservice. Since your late wife and her parents have passed away, the house is your asset and you have three children. Unfairness is corrosive and he will both benefit and suffer.

But it is also Thomas link to his mum and GPS.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 31/08/2022 21:15

@SWSUN ((((HUG)))). I am SO sorry to hear about your illness & prognosis. How old is your DD now?

I wish the best for you in the time you have left & for a peaceful death.

sorry if that's clumsy

much Iove
Ann
xx