AIBU for only leaving my son the house?

[macadams]

Since my ex wife and I recently got divorced I changed my will to leaving equal shares of my assets (aside from the house) to my three children instead of all to my ex. The only thing I hadn't changed in the will was to leave the house solely to my eldest son, Thomas.

After I had everything finalized I ended up sending the updated will to my ex so she could keep it for her records. She was quite upset when she read it. She says that it is unfair and that all my assets, including the house, should be split equally between all three kids in the event of my death.

My reasoning for only leaving Thomas the house is because he is actually the son I had with my late wife. The house was from her parents. Being that Thomas is the only one of my children that was also their grandchild I feel it is only right that he inherit the house.

My ex wife knew about the history of the house, but had mistakenly assumed all these years that all three children would get an equal stake in the property. I had actually told her to look through the previous will when we first got married, but apparently she only glanced at it. Obviously there was a lack of proper communication, but we cant change the past. So here we are.

Am I being unreasonable here? or is my ex wife?

This is a tricky one the house no longer belongs to your ex-wife’s parents and it does not belong to your ex wife, It has nothing to do with them anymore -it is your house.
Therefore you should really be dividing it equally between all of your children
As it is YOUR asset not your ex-wife’s or her parents’s
However as it is YOUR House you can leave it to whoever you want, But I don’t think your reasoning is fair

I think you're doing the right thing. The only thing that seems a bit odd is your step daughter benefitting from you and presumably her father and her mother which could mean she gets 3 lots of inheritance whereas your youngest child will only get 2.

Could you afford to buy another property now in your own name?
just thinking that the house could be rented out now, and the rental money split between the children, while the house itself would go to your son in your will.

I think you are doing the right thing. I think your wife is being unreasonable to expect her children to inherit a property when her children do not have any relation to previous wife or her parents.

I don’t know. I can see both sides. We have four children between us - one’s mine, three are his. I paid off the mortgage with my inheritance. All our assets are being left equally four ways. It feels like the only fair way to me. I think if you’re leaving your house to one of your children, the other assets should be split between the other two.

Nobody will agree with me because MN is firmly convinced blood is thicker than water.

Yep. Although I think you were bonkers to send the will to your ex. This is your decision, and yours alone.

Do you think of the house as yours or Thomas'?
Your little ones are too young to have any expectations to be dashed. You could start referring to it as Thomas' house now and then they never will, especially if it isn't home to any of you any more and never was to them.
If you feel you've just been holding it for Thomas then why not hand it over to him now? Let him have the rental income or sell it or live in it as he chooses - he's old enough - it needn't be in your will at all any longer.
But if you think of it as yours then the younger kids will likely pick up on that as they grow up and take the same view as their mother.

But that’s something you can only consider fair if you subscribe to the view that blended families must mimic nuclear ones. Is it fair that one child inherits from two parents, while three inherit from three, or four? Is it fair that the younger brother is compensated for being unlucky enough to have a living mother that doesn’t have assets to leave him?

I was team "equal split three ways" until I read you were actually only with your ex for three years.

If these kids had grown up together as full siblings despite the different backgrounds I would say it should definitely be equal (that's the case in my sibling group by the way).

But three years... They aren't exactly nuclear family-style siblings so the division should be more nuanced. It's right IMO that Thomas inherit his mothers house.

It most likely will make more sense to transfer the house to Thomas sooner, so that it's all long forgotten later in life. It makes more sense to the others as you being simply a custodian for his inheritance from his mum too. Only you know if he's sensible enough for this yet.

You are doing the right thing OP

can you explain to your children or even leave them letters by way of explanation if they are still young

I have inherited 2 houses from my family, I have 2 older step children and 1 DS with my partner. I would want my inheritance to go to my DS only, this is the only thing I can leave him and he has no other family, where as my step children still have their mother and GP.

I'm so sorry for your situation. But totally agree woth your POV. People can be ruthless when monies are involvedand your biggest priority is your child. Speaking from experience, I lost my mum and money makes it complicated. It's great you've had opportunity to secure your daughters inheritance.

This sounds very much like you have a lot more to give than she does and she doesn't want her children to be disadvantaged.
The house is actually nothing to do with her so she shouldn't have any say over who it is given to. The middle child is extremely lucky as it sounds like she will get something from you that she won't get from her birth father. And your littlest will get the same as his sister.

There is a huge age gap ampngst the siblings so I assume that they aren't close anyways so the fact the different sums of money won't be a big problem anyways. Could you gift the house to your eldest whilst still alive and place it in trust until he has time to think what to do with it? That way, when it comes to diving the will it all looks fair.

What you do with you affairs whilst still alive won't interest your 2 little kids especially as it will be a fair while before they even understand the actual value of it all.

The exW sounds like she is only interested in the value of the money. Perhaps she's not confident in the legacy she will leave behind? I would also worry if I thought I wasn't leaving my kids provided for. However it wouldn't be anyone elses obligation to sort.

The ex wife and the children you had with her had the benefit of the house while you were married. The house presumably had no mortgage so the fact that it was a gift benefited the family both by being four walls and a roof (in the physical shelter sense) and by allowing the family to use income for the benefit of all without a large chunk going to a bank even month.

It contributed to the quality of life of its occupants in every way.

The other two children will inherit cash - enough to give them a down payment on property of their own? Will they get anything from your ex wife's parents?

If there's a huge disparity in the value of their inheritance and that of Thomas I would ask myself if you would have considered things in a different light if you and your ex wife hadn't divorced.

YNBU. If anything were to happen to me, everything would go to my husband due to inheritance tax etc. but with the full expectation that he will leave at least my half to my daughter in the same circumstances, especially given that it's an additional asset not the family home. In fact, I just read this to him precisely so I could make sure he knew that.

Oh, stop it... 🙄

This

I would say:

1. house to Thomas.
2. rest of estate to younger son (assuming this doesn’t exceed the value of the house), hopefully to include some of the rent money received from the house to even things up.
3. nothing to the step-daughter you briefly knew.

My grandmother left her house to her son and not my mother. The reasoning behind it was ridiculous. My mother said it didn't bother her but I think it really did

I don't think leaving Thomas the house is unreasonable. However, keep in mind that since you decided to live there in the years since your first wife passed away, you were not able to build the personal wealth of a house that your second and third child would be entitled to inherit. Basically, they never stood a chance in that arena. Therefore, I would leave them a larger share of your other assets. That could even things up a bit. If you split the house three ways, they would have no choice but to sell it. The way you plan it now, Thomas could decide to live there.

Unless you write a will giving your husband a life interest your expectation that he leaves your half to your daughter means nothing. There are a lot of children who find their mothers inheritance ends up with their husbands second family.

You need to read to OPs posts -

macadams · 31/08/2022 22:39
@EarringsandLipstick Sorry if I was unclear, but we never all lived in the house together. It felt to weird to live in the same house I shared with my late wife with my new wife. I rented out the house and since I had put it in a shared account she got half of the income from the rent. We lived together in a different house we owned. That house was sold during the divorce and we split the money that remained after the mortgage was paid. We also only lived together for 3 years.

I think things depend a bit on the age of your eldest son when his mother passed away. If your now ex-wife is largely the person who raised him, alongside your two children with her, then I think this is a bad call. (To some of the other posters’ comments, I WOULD expect her to leave something for your eldest son in her will, contributing to the lack of fairness.) Conversely, if you married your now ex-wife when your oldest son was already pretty much an adult, then I think this is quite reasonable.

This.

OMG convinced you were awful from the first few lines. Nope. 100% you are correct. It's essentially Thomas's mother's house. You are a custodian. These are the things I have considered in my will and they are to set up to achieve exactly what you've described. Don't waiver. Your other kids will still benefit.