AIBU for only leaving my son the house?

[macadams]

Since my ex wife and I recently got divorced I changed my will to leaving equal shares of my assets (aside from the house) to my three children instead of all to my ex. The only thing I hadn't changed in the will was to leave the house solely to my eldest son, Thomas.

After I had everything finalized I ended up sending the updated will to my ex so she could keep it for her records. She was quite upset when she read it. She says that it is unfair and that all my assets, including the house, should be split equally between all three kids in the event of my death.

My reasoning for only leaving Thomas the house is because he is actually the son I had with my late wife. The house was from her parents. Being that Thomas is the only one of my children that was also their grandchild I feel it is only right that he inherit the house.

My ex wife knew about the history of the house, but had mistakenly assumed all these years that all three children would get an equal stake in the property. I had actually told her to look through the previous will when we first got married, but apparently she only glanced at it. Obviously there was a lack of proper communication, but we cant change the past. So here we are.

Am I being unreasonable here? or is my ex wife?

While the house was fully paid for by the grandparents, did you and ex wife maintain it from your joint income and are you maintaining it with your current income? And has it increased in value since you had your other dc?

Rephrase it from the perspective the grandparents would have. They secure and develop a family home where they raise their daughter and pass it on so that their grandson can grow up there too. Then, after the death of their daughter's partner, the family home needs to be sold and split three ways with two people with whom they have no connection nor familial relationship.

Of course treating it like it was in a trust makes sense.

I disagree, there's no reason Thomas shouldn't inherit from HIS mum & HIS Grandparents, it's nothing to do with the other two, who will inherit from THEIR mum & her parents.

all kids will inherit from their mothers. That's fair.

Definitely a tough situation. For me it really depends on a couple of things. Was this the marital home for you, your exW and 3 children? if so, would your 2 other DC consider this their home as well? Secondly, what would Thomas do with the house once he inherits it? Keep it and the memory that it was his grandparents or sell and take the cash? At the end of the day you have 3 children, regardless of who their DM are, so I personally wouldn't do it. If you stick with the decision at least tell your DC in person. Money/inheritances can destroy families.

Good question…..my guess is he will not. This is a very specific thing—a home in his life for generations. He lost his mom. It seems cruel to force a split.

Totally agree with this.

You're basically giving one child a massive advantage in life and denying that to the other two. There is no house for the others if the ex is renting.

Do you not want to provide some security for all of your children? Or do you favour Thomas generally?

Yanbu. If I die before my husband I would expect my share of the house to pass to my child not to the any subsequent children my spouse had. However, as a compromise if it is going to cause a

@macadams

youre doing the right thing (my view explained in my previous post)

my question is why you're sharing YOUR will with your EX wife, it's none of her business, you can leave it all to the cats shelter if YOU want, she can do what she wants with her assets, she no longer gets a say over your assets.

What you are doing is totally reasonable and the obvious thing to do, in my opinion

It's also interesting to think what would have happened to the house if you hadn't divorced your ex-wife.

Posted too soon. Could you give eldest son 50% of house then split other 50% amongst all 3 children

I think you're doing the right thing. Thomas lost his mother. That's a primal loss and incalculable. Of course he should have a house his grandparents gave her, for him.

Your ex and the children you have had together have had huge benefit from living in a presumably lovely family home for years, without mortgage costs eating into the family income, no? That afforded everyone a much better lifestyle.

Having said that, how much is there in other assets, and how much will come from your ex's parents to their own grandchildren? If not a great deal - if your main asset is the house, and the other grandparents aren't well off - then I would split that between the other kids and not Thomas, because his windfall will be so, so much greater than theirs. If, conversely, they are also in line to inherit a fair amount then I think what you are doing is completely right and fair.

Your ex obviously took on your DC as though he was her own, and raised them as equal siblings.

You are negating that. It's a slap in her face. You are saying her role was of no relevance to Thomas, that she can leave her money to her children and not to Thomas.

Are you sure that's the message you want Thomas, your other children, and your ex to hear?

I would leave Thomas the house but significantly reduce his share of the other assets. That way he gets the property linked to his mother's family, and the other children are not penalised for the fact that their parents did not buy a property that would be left to all the children due course.

I am in Thomas’s mum’s position (sort of) in that I am v ill and soon pass away.

I recently re wrote my will so that mg half of our will go in trust for DD. DH can do whatever he likes with his half. If he ever has more children they will not be benefit from my assets regardless if where they grew up etc.

This is common advice on here to protect DC from future disinheritance and would seem to apply morally if not legally here?

Maybe leave a half share of your house to Thomas, and the other half between your other DC? With an equal share of the money?

They secure and develop a family home where they raise their daughter and pass it on so that their grandson can grow up there too

No.

Unless this is exactly how it was ie the property was always the GPs, and OP & his first wife lived there fully in that understanding, then this is not the case.

OP states he was left it by his DW. It was not her parents' house any longer.

It now is a family asset for that first marriage. After the wife died, it became a family home for a new family, who deserve equal treatment.

You cannot preserve a property in a moment in time in this way.

I was really on the fence and then I read this - this absolutely makes sense. This way Thomas receives his mum's whole share of the house and your three children split your share between them, seems like the fairest option available.

Apologies, unclear: I mean I would split the remaining assets between the other children, if the huge bulk of what you have to leave is that house, and they are eg two of just 6 or so grandchildren likely to benefit from your ex's parents's wills. If, on the other hand, those grandparents are also likely to leave a fair amount, and the house is just say a quarter of the overall estate you may leave, then I think the house to Thomas and the rest equally split is fair.

That would be logical if he had bought the house with his first wife, but they were given it by her parents, that gift from the grandparents has nothing to do with his subsequent children, who will inherit from their mum & her parents. Are they going to split their assets between the three children? I expect not. Plus Thomas may want to keep the inherited house, not be forced to sell his grandparents house to give the others money. Money that's not at all anything to do with them..

Personally I feel this should be explained to the three children now. Avoid any drama at a time they will all be grieving. See how they all feel about this. They may understand or it may even be your eldest child that feels this is unfair. Talk to them about it. This could be seen both ways and the only opinions to matter are yours and theirs.

I think it's fair. However, if possible,I would outline my reasoning in the will so the children all understand why.

This is the best option, Thomas essentially gets his mother's share and the other two aren't left out.

That's nuts. It doesn't matter what you expect. The house is your spouse's. If he has other DC, of course he should then provide for them, not distinguish between children of the first marriage and a later one.

Of course that's hard to imagine and one would always wish it not to be the case, that anyone experiences such loss.

Yes, I agree that's a possibility. It depends tho on whether the other assets available to OP are equal. It would be unusual for him to have 2 x value of a house to dispose of in this way.

Fundamentally they all need to be treated the same, however it's done practically.