AIBU for only leaving my son the house?

[macadams]

Since my ex wife and I recently got divorced I changed my will to leaving equal shares of my assets (aside from the house) to my three children instead of all to my ex. The only thing I hadn't changed in the will was to leave the house solely to my eldest son, Thomas.

After I had everything finalized I ended up sending the updated will to my ex so she could keep it for her records. She was quite upset when she read it. She says that it is unfair and that all my assets, including the house, should be split equally between all three kids in the event of my death.

My reasoning for only leaving Thomas the house is because he is actually the son I had with my late wife. The house was from her parents. Being that Thomas is the only one of my children that was also their grandchild I feel it is only right that he inherit the house.

My ex wife knew about the history of the house, but had mistakenly assumed all these years that all three children would get an equal stake in the property. I had actually told her to look through the previous will when we first got married, but apparently she only glanced at it. Obviously there was a lack of proper communication, but we cant change the past. So here we are.

Am I being unreasonable here? or is my ex wife?

this will always be an issue is step and half families.

from Thomas’s perspective should his half siblings each get a third of his grandparents house? When they aren’t related. Thomas wouldn’t get their grandparents house?

the other two children should certainly each get a third of their dads other assets. But this asset originated from Thomas’s family not theirs.

i am sure they always knew the house originally belong d to Thomas’s grandparents and mother. This shouldn’t be a shock

Their own mum is renting & OP says they won't own a house.

Their father does own a house & is giving it entirely to one of his 3 DC.

Of course it's not fair, not in such stark terms.

In the case of a family home, in a marriage, it's not possible tho, and you have to imagine that the bereaved spouse will behave with integrity to all his or her dependents

nonsense. I’m married. My will leaves my half of our house to our children. DH has the right to live in the house until he dies though.
I have done this specifically so that our children cannot be disinherited if DH were to remarry. I don’t have to imagine that he will behave with integrity because he will not have the option not to

We had an unequal split between half siblings as some of the assets came from my DM (died before DDad) rather than half siblings DM. My DDad explained to all the children (who were adults by then) why the split was being done the way it was and everyone accepted it. The key thing was that it was discussed whilst DDad was in good health etc. so everyone had a chance to digest the suggestion and talk it through with him.

It's not nonsense.

Clearly what you've done is as tenants-in-common, you have left your half of the house as a discretionary trust for your DC

Your DH has a lifetime interest in the house so it cannot be sold in his lifetime leaving him vulnerable.

That's not at all the case in OP's situation, and if he would like to replicate the situation, he needs to take account of the rights of his second wife (I assume this was done in the divorce) and those of his later DC.

You are honouring your grandparents inheritance but you should talk to your children and explain the situation. Don't leave them to find out from your will, or from their mother. This is the kind of thing that causes issues and family splits.

I think it all depends if this means your eldest gets a lot more than your other children.

So many questions!

I'll say for starters i understand where you are coming from.

However.

You inherited that house from your late wife.

You and Thomas lived there.

Then you met someone else you wanted to share that life with. You made a decision to have her live there (I assume?) and bring 2 more children into that house and raise them in it as their family home?

What ever the divorce settlement went through I'm sure this was included and split accordingly.

However I do think it's wrong to not give either of your other 2 children a share of the assets if their family home. After all you choose to have them and raise them in it. It's not their responsibility for what happened beforehand or how you acquired that family home you chose to raise them in.

Personally I would split the house 6 ways.

Ds1 gets 4/6. 50% that was his mums and 1/3 of your half

Ds 2 and 3 get 1/3 each. 1/3 of your half as you are their father.

I get wills are complex and they will always bring high emotions but so you really want all 3 sons to be left after your death with 2 of them thinking you never valued them equally to the other?

His maternal grandparents, and his mother, intended for that to be his inheritance. You are doing nothing wrong in passing on his mother’s asset to him.

for all talk of unfairness and causing ructions between siblings, I don’t see how splitting the inheritance would prevent this. It’s a bold assumption that Thomas would be happy with the inheritance being split, and not be angry at having to share inheritance from HIS mother. Your other children can surely understand that Thomas is getting more as a result of his mother dying. They still have their mother.

The house is now yours.100% yours to do what you want with. The rest is history.

I think you will create divisions between your children if you do this. Thomas will have lost a mother, his father and now your actions means he'll probably become estranged from his siblings, who might well contest the will. He might end up resenting you. As the other 2 definitely will.

You might want to think about your old age too. When people get old, siblings look at each other & work out who's going to step up and do what's right . With this, there will also be an expectation on Thomas that he looks after you in your old age. What if he decides to emigrate to Australia? What if he doesn't want to? More resentment? Maybe you won't get the help you need.

Why are you doing this? Do you think you are King Lear? Keep the peace, treat them all equally.

@EarringsandLipstick - ok yes I understand. The house is tenants in common so he has his 50%. That said my children are my priority, I've seen how quickly men 'move on', no way am I risking any of my DCs inheritance. DP can take care of himself.

No there aren’t. It’s only if you die without a Will that everything automatically goes to your spouse. With a Will you can leave what you like to who you like so long as you hold property in a way which allows for it.

And that's completely fair, I get that absolutely!

The difference really is that it's then very clear cut for the remaining spouse, and equally for the potential future partner / spouse. They can make their own provisions on that basis, hopefully sensibly & legally - none of that has happened in OP's case (or if it has he hasn't shared that here).

I think you should split it so Thomas gets 4/6 and your other 2 children get 1/6 each - Thomas gets 100% of his mum's half and 1/3 of yours. The others get only 1/3 of yours. Eq

For sure explain it in person to your sons.

My DP left specific large assets to various siblings. It was not equal or particularly fair. But we all knew many many years in advance, and just accepted it without any falling outs. We had long got used to the idea.

Communication is key.

BTW, I think your plan sounds fair.

I think it sounds totally fair. BUT I would write down exactly that in the will so they can see that it isn't a case of favouring him, it's because it belonged more to his mum.

@Thelnebriati That seems like a good idea. I'll talk to Thomas about it in a few days. My other two kids are quite a bit younger though, so I'll probably have to wait a few years till they'll understand.

With a Will you can leave what you like to who you like so long as you hold property in a way which allows for it.

On my kind of ... 'in a way which allows for it' needs to mean tenants-in-common, establishment of a discretionary trust and lifetime interest to the surviving spouse

You cannot disinherit them or fail to provide for them in your will beyond the above. There is a certain legal entitlement on death for a married couple so it's not entirely true to say 'leave what you like to who you like'.

@macadams

Can you clarify the arrangement for the family home wrt to your ex-Wife? Did you buy her out?

If I was hour late wife I’d be turning in my grave if you left the house that had been from my parents to your children with another woman instead of my son.

is your ex wife leaving a third of her home to Thomas?

is your ex wife leaving a third of her home to Thomas?

She is renting.

And OP said My ex wife plans on leaving everything of her split equally between the three.

Seems like a good caring DM / DSM

I kinda get why your doing it but I don’t think it’s fair.

You have 3 kids now, not 1.

Are you going ti leave substantial amounts of money to the two kids you care about less?

Even though this seems fair. Your other children will definitely have an issue with your eldest having a house all to himself and it will cause arguments and fall outs.

I think it’s unfair. I think your children will feel it’s unfair. I think it will create a rift between Thomas and his siblings because of your misguided notion to honour your dead wife/inlaws.

I’m sorry but imo everything should be split between all your children equally- the house is yours, however it came to be that way, and a parent shouldn’t treat any child differently. Your ex sounds like a good person to equally share out her will.