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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for only leaving my son the house?

443 replies

macadams · 31/08/2022 20:13

Since my ex wife and I recently got divorced I changed my will to leaving equal shares of my assets (aside from the house) to my three children instead of all to my ex. The only thing I hadn't changed in the will was to leave the house solely to my eldest son, Thomas.

After I had everything finalized I ended up sending the updated will to my ex so she could keep it for her records. She was quite upset when she read it. She says that it is unfair and that all my assets, including the house, should be split equally between all three kids in the event of my death.

My reasoning for only leaving Thomas the house is because he is actually the son I had with my late wife. The house was from her parents. Being that Thomas is the only one of my children that was also their grandchild I feel it is only right that he inherit the house.

My ex wife knew about the history of the house, but had mistakenly assumed all these years that all three children would get an equal stake in the property. I had actually told her to look through the previous will when we first got married, but apparently she only glanced at it. Obviously there was a lack of proper communication, but we cant change the past. So here we are.

Am I being unreasonable here? or is my ex wife?

OP posts:
lunar1 · 31/08/2022 20:40

Thomas will inherit a third of his dads assets, and his mum's family inheritance, it doesn't sound complicated at all.

picklemewalnuts · 31/08/2022 20:40

How long was your second marriage?
It's a bit surprising that you came away from the divorce with a whole house, while your ex is renting.

WhenDovesFly · 31/08/2022 20:41

How long were you married second time round? Was the house not considered an asset in the divorce?

FatEaredFuck · 31/08/2022 20:41

lunar1 · 31/08/2022 20:40

Thomas will inherit a third of his dads assets, and his mum's family inheritance, it doesn't sound complicated at all.

Bingo

Iamnotthe1 · 31/08/2022 20:41

macadams · 31/08/2022 20:38

My ex wife plans on leaving everything of her split equally between the three. However her parents do not really like Thomas, so I doubt they would leave him anything.

How recent is your divorce? I imagine this may change over time.

Original poster
macadams · 31/08/2022 20:41

My late wife left everything to me. She did not leave anything specifically for Thomas. I suppose she just assumed I would make sure he was taken care of.

OP posts:
NotLactoseFree · 31/08/2022 20:42

I think this sounds reasonable. I understand the posters saying you inherited it and now it's YOUR asset, but I think it' perfectly reasonable that he would have some additional inheritance via you that ultimately was from his mother. In the same way that anything your ex does have, will be split only between her two biological children (I assume?).

I might take a slightly different view if, for example, Thomas was left the house his grandparents actually lived in and/or is sitting on a trust fund set up for him ahead of his mother/grandparents' passing.

picklemewalnuts · 31/08/2022 20:42

As long as you know the grandparents could leave everything to their daughter. She could then leave to her DC, and Thomas would miss out.

If they skipped their daughter and left their GC all their estate, and not Thomas, you'd be ok about that then?

NotLactoseFree · 31/08/2022 20:43

Also, it's not clear, but it sounds like you inherited a bit from your late wife, so arguably, your other two children have already benefited from this too? In terms of lifestyle/available cash etc?

Ihatethenewlook · 31/08/2022 20:43

PainsandAches · 31/08/2022 20:25

YABU

Purely because think of what your other children will take from this snub

Do you want to leave this earth having thrown a hand grenade into your childrens relationships with each other?

This. I completely understand your way of thinking op. But if you’ve spent any time on these boards you’ll understand that you are going to destroy your childrens relationships with each other. Leaving your children an equal share cannot in any way be seen as unfair. Leaving one child the entire house will definitely be seen as unfair. Regardless of who owned the house previously, it is now yours.

FieldView · 31/08/2022 20:44

I do not think you are being unreasonable. You are essentially holding the property on trust for Thomas, . I have been in a similar situation (property following the blood line) with my half-siblings and it did not cause any animosity between us. You just have to be totally transparent about it from the very beginning so no-one gets a surprise further down the line.

ColouringPencils · 31/08/2022 20:44

Did you say your ex-wife, Thomas's ex-step mother, is leaving him a third of her assets? In that case, the other two children might feel this is unfair.

girlmom21 · 31/08/2022 20:47

I think you've done the right thing but I can understand why it would cause upset. How old are the children?

How young was Thomas when your ex wife met him because that's really lovely that she included him in her will as an equal to the others, so I do understand her upset.

Threelittlelambs · 31/08/2022 20:47

I disagree - my father left us nothing.
mom remarried and had a child.
Moms half is split 4 ways and sister inherits her dads half.
mom perfectly happy with that. He supported and helped love our mother and made her happy again.
i wouldn’t fall out over money.

Your ex wife will probably change her will in light of this - leaving your out.

Did she raise him as her own?

ScamelaAnderson · 31/08/2022 20:47

@macadams
Have you asked Thomas?

EarringsandLipstick · 31/08/2022 20:48

I am staggered that OP and some posters think this is fair.

Of course at the time your first wife died, your bong dependent was Thomas. But now you have 3 DC, who you love the same.

They should all be treated equally. That does not always mean they all get the same, but to give one the house and the others a share in remaining assets, along with Thomas, is staggeringly unfair.

Think of the DC relationship. They will absolutely feel an unfairness.

The house was left to you. It is your asset & you've 3 DC. I absolutely wouldn't be favouring one.

I would be deeply upset if I were your exW too.

I'm also reading your post to check but can't see. Was this house the family home with now exW? In that case did you buy her out or what? As on marriage, she would have acquired rights.

This long ago ceased to be an asset solely linked to your first wife.

wellobviouslyyoucan · 31/08/2022 20:49

I think that's absolutely the right decision!

Will Thomas inherit from your ex despite her not being his birth mother?

StoneofDestiny · 31/08/2022 20:49

If you are honouring an agreement with Thomas' mother it is fair. Presumably her assets were meant for her son .
I'd just explain to them all what you are doing.

MajorCarolDanvers · 31/08/2022 20:49

I couldn't favour one child over another.

Your late wife and her parents are gone. What matters is the life you live now and what comes after.

This will cause bad feeling and hurt.

Lachimolala · 31/08/2022 20:50

If your ex-wife is splitting her assets between her bio children and her step son then I’d probably re-think things a little. Perhaps leave Thomas the house in lieu of a smaller share of your assets?

Its a tricky one but I can see the kids being hurt/confused when the time comes.

Sally872 · 31/08/2022 20:50

I think what you are doing is fair. It is what your late wife and her parents intended regardless of what was written down formally in will. They trust you.

ScamelaAnderson · 31/08/2022 20:51

You will ruin the siblings relationship if you do leave everything to Thomas. Family means more than money

Isonthecase · 31/08/2022 20:51

I think you're doing the right thing but you need to explain it to everyone, preferably before you die. Just say it was left by Thomas's mum and her parents so it goes to him but that anything from the other children's mother and grandparents would go to them.

EarringsandLipstick · 31/08/2022 20:52

StoneofDestiny · 31/08/2022 20:49

If you are honouring an agreement with Thomas' mother it is fair. Presumably her assets were meant for her son .
I'd just explain to them all what you are doing.

But it wasn't 'her' asset as such. The house originally came from her parents, yes.

But then presumably OP + first wife & Thomas lived there as a family, until sadly she died. OP legally acquired rights to that property by virtue of marriage (unless there's some specific arrangement to the contrary).
Then he married & exW & their 2 DC lived there as a family home, and she should also have rights to that property (OP has not been clear on this)

The nature & rights to this property have changed significantly over the years

blisstwins · 31/08/2022 20:53

Dotcheck · 31/08/2022 20:20

How do you think your children would feel?

Are you going to equalise by giving the others a bit more of other assets?

It does seem unfair. If you decide to go ahead with this, you should explain it to your other children

Totally disagree. Eldest lost his mother. This is a straight line from her to him. Parental assets are shared equally, but let this be preserved. Dad is thoughtful, fair, and upfront.