Fucking hate this term

[MolliciousIntent]

Conversation today with an acquaintance, who is a SAHP, has oddly kinda upset me. I've just gone back to work after 6m mat leave and mentioned that I'll be going into London for work now and then - she said "oh it's been ages since I went to London, but then again I am a full time mum."

I'm probably just tired and stressed, but it felt like a bit of a guy punch. I'm a full time mum too. I just work as well. I've seen SAHMs described as full time mums before, now I think about it, and it makes me feel weird.

Do people really think working mums are part time parents? Or was she just having a dig?

Thepeopleversuswork

I don't know what happened in Ireland, but I was already in the workforce then, and there were plenty of married women working (teaching, nursing, retail), including those who had had children and had returned to work when their children were older. Admittedly, there were far fewer women with very young children in the workforce, far more mums working part-time and far fewer women in careers, like engineering, traditionally done by men. But a job's a job, and as I said, the term 'full time mum' really only came in when the term 'housewife' fell out of favour.

Topgub - Well should I pretend I am at home but it's not because of wanting to be with my kids? Why else would I have been a SAHM? It's kind of the definition, Should I just make up another reason?

Why does it even need justifying?

@mnmoaner

I didnt ask you to justify it.

There's no need to pretend it isn't ever a dig or shouldn't ever be taken as one though.

Of course but men are never described as “part time dads” based on their work status. You don’t, or at least I don’t, see men putting “full time daddy” on their Facebook or LinkedIn status.

It just never crosses anyone’s mind to evaluate a man’s commitment to his children based on how much he works and the amount of time he spends with them.

Its an uneven playing field.

So just my very existence as a SAHM is a dig at women who work...???? Ok then Topgub.

I can’t speak for @Topgub but I don’t think that’s what she’s saying.

She is pointing out (as are others) that it’s inaccurate and unfair to define how far a woman is a parent based on whether or not she works. Because a) it’s not relevant and c) because it’s never a filter which is applied to men.

Of course but men are never described as “part time dads”

Don't think women are either; the opposite of full time mum is not part time mum; it's working mum.

Thepeopleversuswork - it has literally never occurred to me to refer to someone as a "part-time mum" though. Or dad. It's not even an expression I've ever heard.

And again, I don't think I have ever referred to myself as a "full-time" mum (even if that's how I felt) because I'm aware it's a sensitive subject for some women. Especially women like OP who are just finding their feet returning the work after a baby. It's not helpful.

@CecilyP

But you say it yourself here: “the opposite of full time mum is working mum”.

This is at the heart of what many of us disagree with. The implication of what you say is that if you’re a working mum you can’t be a full time mum. I’m saying I don’t accept that. If you’re a mum, you’re a mum. Whether or not you spend a chunk of your hours as a mum in the workplace is irrelevant.

@mnmoaner

Sigh

No.

But c'mon. You cannot deny a convo that goes

New mum back at work

Sahm. Oh, well no, I didnt go back to work. I'm a full time mum. I just wanted to be with my kids. Raise them myself. That time so important and you never get it back. I had to do all the parenting

Is never a dig and shouldn't ever be taken as one because that's clearly bullshit.

I think (as always) is that part of the problem is that sahms think all wm parent like their ohs.

Largely absent and not that involved.

A pp refused to acknowledge that wm actually do childcare.

I just think all families are different Topgub. None of my business snd why would I care.

She is pointing out (as are others) that it’s inaccurate and unfair to define how far a woman is a parent based on whether or not she works. Because a) it’s not relevant and c) because it’s never a filter which is applied to men.

I think we've all agreed that every parent IS a parent. Always, until they die.

However there is nothing inaccurate about describing a woman as either a working mother or a stay at home mother.

And b) men are also either working dads or stay at home dads. No difference to mothers.

@mnmoaner

Eh?

I think (as always) is that part of the problem is that sahms think all wm parent like their ohs.

What exactly do sahms think? I don't understand.

That working mums are largely absent parents like their ohs.

That they're not involved in day to day care or decision making.

Quite who they think is, I'm not sure

But as you’ve never been a SAHP and don’t agree with it @Topgub how come you know what they’re thinking? You’re making out SAHP think they’re better than working mums, except your attitude has been entirely the opposite here.

@FaptainClubby

From their clearly expressed opinions across many threads

Hardly rocket science

You certainly seem to think you know a lot about mine despite knowing fuck all about me.

I’m simply going off your posts on threads, same as you have done with your SAHP assumptions.

Hardly rocket science is it?

Nope.

But still, you had to ask, eh?

This actually makes sense, many threads where SAHP say they SAH so that DC are picked up from school, spend time at home when in fact so do the DC of many WOHP.

There was a really bitter, angry SAHP whos trump card was her DC got to go to the park after school and then had homemade cake.
Yep and yep
Always a parent at home here, just not the same one!

Had to ask what?

Maybe it is all part of a bigger picture? If you are the sole earner there is more pressure to succeed and stay in your job so more likely to work longer hours etc therefore the SAHM does more and more of the family stuff.

@Sisisisi

Yup.

So many rigid unmovable opinions on wms that are clearly based on working men who work long, inflexible hours and don't do much with their kids.

No concept at all of the idea of flexible working or equally shared childcare