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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband furious after grocery shopping

392 replies

HolyCow83 · 30/08/2022 23:18

DH and myself take in turns to cook evening meal for ourselves, me 4 days a week him 3 days. Im on mat leave right now. We have 2 small kids, I make their food most evenings.
i do grocery shopping online most weeks. DH does not like this as thinks i am controlling and he doesn’t know what to cook if he didn’t do the shop. We have a grocery list and each can write something when we need it.

This week he requested to do the shop (at the actual shop) when we needed it. He agreed to go tonight. I went for a run and he fed the kids, as I do once a week. When I came home he did bath time, put toddler to bed and I put baby to bed. Then he went and did shop, for 2h. At 10pm I’m hungry so make pasta and eat although it’s his turn to cook. 10.30pm he comes home and I help put things away (I’m tired, this is pretty much bedtime). I notice he’s bought reduced fat coconut milk and just ask him not to take offence but that he gets full fat in future as it’s just not as good. He goes crazy yelling waking up the baby, throwing yoghurt on the floor saying I’m controlling and he “can’t stand it anymore”. I do not get it. I didn’t ask him to shop at night time. I usually do kids dinner it’s just tonight he did it. He always gets in such a crazy stress these days. Aibu?

OP posts:

georgarina · 31/08/2022 08:35

Really don't get this thread.
Other posters would start screaming and throwing shit around if their partner asked them to get different coconut milk next time?
The mind boggles

Kashmirsilver · 31/08/2022 08:42

Why can't the man go shopping when he wants, why can he not choose what to buy? Everyone has a general idea or a list, each person will then add or detract or buy alternatives.
I have to admit Mrs. Kashmir went away on holiday for a week. Life was so much simpler. Women are controlling, as a general rule, I don't say anything.
Our first argument was over a block of cheese, I wanted to buy it she didn't.😂

Every so often the controlling behavior becomes too much and we argue about it. Cest la vie.

Seriou · 31/08/2022 08:42

I would LTB over reduced fat coconut milk.

LoisLane66 · 31/08/2022 08:42

@HolyCow83
It's not "myself' it's DH and I.
When will the nonsense of using myself and yourself incorrectly, stop?

Choopi · 31/08/2022 08:44

I don't know everyone saying that they would be pissed off too if they had done all he has done. He chose to go to the supermarket and fanny around for 2 hours, this was something he wanted to do. He isn't some great hero for doing it. Our local aldi opens at 9, I start work at 9:30, I can do a whole shop for a family of 4 in that 30mins and be at my desk ready to start work on time while the teens put the shop away. If my dh wanted to spend 2 hours doing what I can do in 30mins then good for him but I wouldn't be lauding him for it.

He has the ability to write what he wants on the shopping list and the OP will get it delivered to the door for him. He wasn't doing the OP any great favour by doing the shop, it sounds more irritating than helpful, having to put shopping away at 10:30 at night and talk him through the shop like he is a child? Yet everyone is acting like he she should be simpering in praise of him? Fuck that, I've no time for faffers, I would have been in bed and he would have been putting the shop away by himself. He wanted to go do the shop, he chose to spend 2 bloody hours doing it, not the OPs problem.

JaneAustensHeroine · 31/08/2022 08:44

Had run and supermarket shop not taken place on the same evening, this could have been avoided. OP could have gone running on another evening. DH could have postponed the shop. Sounds like they were trying to do too much in one evening which will never go well.

I can easily take two hours over a grocery shop. Some posters are all too eager to imply that husbands are cheating or lying. I have no idea why some MNetters do this apart from being a tool to make women feel insecure and like shit.

BigFatLiar · 31/08/2022 08:46

I notice he’s bought reduced fat coconut milk and just ask him not to take offence but that he gets full fat in future as it’s just not as good.

Perhaps he thinks you're putting on the pounds but doesn't want to come out and say it.

phishy · 31/08/2022 08:46

giveovernate · 31/08/2022 06:59

@phishy you're obviously hell bent on OP being right, why did she tell him to not buy reduced fat coconut milk again if she would allow him to order it on line?

She's not got a tough life, mat leave, he shares chores, shares bed tones and toddlers goes to a childminder.

Yes still she's not picking?

Oh hang on she's a woman so must always be right? Yeah?

I'm not hell bent on anything, I thought we're all just giving our perspectives. You are getting a little aggressive though, not sure why.

Presumably she asked him not to buy the reduced fat coconut milk because it was an item from her list for the 4 days she cooks. Why not ask OP if you think she is nitpicking about an item that he wanted instead of saying the woman must always be right in a sarcastic way?

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/08/2022 08:50

MoodyTwo · 31/08/2022 03:23

I'd be well annoyed if DH commented on the coconut milk I picked once I'd put the kids to bed and then went shopping.

Why not both have access to your shopping app, that way you can both add to it through the week and just check out before delivery? That's what me and DH do

I agree with this. His reaction was way over the top and unnecessary. And as others have said there’s way more to this than coconut milk.

But if someone has been cooking and shopping for you for two hours while you please yourself, mithering them about something this trivial is incredibly tone deaf.

I think you need to get to the bottom of why he is so pissed off. But for a start learn to be a bit more self aware of how corrosive this sort of pointless low level nagging can be in a relationship. Not that it isn’t something to discuss but you should have employed a bit of emotional intelligence about the timing.

Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 08:51

@phishy

i suggest you check out the only other time the op has posted on mumsnet.

a thread about her husband not putting their child to bed at 7.30 but rather 8.

the consensus was…. The op is as critical and not picking and controlling

DeclineandFall · 31/08/2022 08:51

Had he eaten? Was he hangry. MY DH is terrible if he gets really low blood sugar and can throw a tantrum like a toddler. Feed him he's fine.

Brefugee · 31/08/2022 08:51

Other posters would start screaming and throwing shit around if their partner asked them to get different coconut milk next time?

Literally nobody has said that. People have offered comments tips and advice about how this kind of situation could be avoided in future. Moving the run, moving the shop (maybe he just really really wanted to get out)

I read the bedtime thread - the poor guy is one of the ones who really wants to step up and do his bit and somehow in her stress (i don't think looking after a baby all day is necessarily easy at that age) has lost sight of that. I think they both sound stressed, OP does sound a bit as though she wants everything her way and i wonder if he is stressed about work, earning the money, etc.

What they need to do is take time to talk. I wonder when they went out without the children, just for a coffee or a walk was?

Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 08:52

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4618000-husband-always-puts-dd-to-bed-late

for your ease of reference!

Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 08:53

It would have been nice if you’d dropped him a message at 10 to see if he also wanted pasta op.

but nope. You just sorted yourself out.

This is not a loving marriage. This is an op who is controlling and a DH on the edge

Choopi · 31/08/2022 08:55

you're obviously hell bent on OP being right, why did she tell him to not buy reduced fat coconut milk again if she would allow him to order it on line?

The OP says she was the one cooking with it not him? Presumably if he had added it to the list as something was going to cook with it would be fine. You are reaching really hard with that one.

Lunificent · 31/08/2022 08:55

Can you list all the things he does when he’s stressed? He sounds abusive from what you’ve said so far.

BrutusMcDogface · 31/08/2022 08:56

oviraptor21 · 30/08/2022 23:22

Poor behaviour on his part but did you need to nitpick about the coconut milk?
He fed the kids, did toddler bed, then went shopping and got back at 10.30. I'd be pretty passed off if my dp then complained about something as inconsequential as the type of coconut milk.

I agree with this. He did fly off the handle (stress; we all feel it!) but I wouldn’t say that was abusive?

Choopi · 31/08/2022 08:58

Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 08:53

It would have been nice if you’d dropped him a message at 10 to see if he also wanted pasta op.

but nope. You just sorted yourself out.

This is not a loving marriage. This is an op who is controlling and a DH on the edge

Why should she though? He kept her up until after 10 so he could faff around the shop that wasn't exactly being nice to her was it? He was doing what he wanted, sorting himself out as you put it but OP has to bend over for him?

LoisLane66 · 31/08/2022 08:58

The OP spends all day looking after the baby and doing kids washing...lol.
Putting clothes in a machine which does the washing for you, is not an onerous task even two loads a day. It's not an onerous job to either hang it out or put it in a tumble dryer and a baby under 12 months old doesn't require 10 hours of attention a day.
It's been good weather (no idea where you are but in the UK it's been warm) and a baby can be outside with you if you're hanging clothes on the line, either in a playpen or asleep in a buggy or on thick blanket.
I think you have underlying problems which aren't discussed or disclosed here and you need to sort them out.

Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 09:03

Choopi · 31/08/2022 08:58

Show quote history

Why should she?

I don’t know. Love?

Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 09:04

@Choopi

Check out the other thread the op started about her OP

may impact your view

Trying20 · 31/08/2022 09:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn by the OP

Brefugee · 31/08/2022 09:07

well this is all kind of wrong. How hard is it to bung 2 extra handsfull of pasta in a pot? and he could have it when he got home. Why did he go shopping late? well - OP went for a run and then he did the kids. Sure, they could have rearranged that - maybe there was no food in? maybe he just wanted to get out of the house (he WFH i believe?) there are all number of reasons.

But it is a dick move knowing your OH hasn't eaten, is doing shopping, has done the kids routine and then you cook for yourself? TBH in his shoes that fact alone would have made me turn round and go out again for an hour or two to calm down.

Sapphire387 · 31/08/2022 09:09

I think you're looking for people to validate you and call him abusive - 'I felt like he would hit me'. It doesn't sound like he came close to hitting you.

Your DH was tired, you were tired, you must have been aware of that, and there's a time and place for keeping a diplomatic silence and not nitpicking over the coconut milk.

I've seen your other thread and actually it sounds like you try to micro manage him and he's had enough.

Letitmow · 31/08/2022 09:09

Lunificent · 31/08/2022 08:55

Can you list all the things he does when he’s stressed? He sounds abusive from what you’ve said so far.

Does he? He sounds like someone at the end of his tether to me. Being controlling is also abusive and I'd say he isn't the one doing that.

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