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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband furious after grocery shopping

392 replies

HolyCow83 · 30/08/2022 23:18

DH and myself take in turns to cook evening meal for ourselves, me 4 days a week him 3 days. Im on mat leave right now. We have 2 small kids, I make their food most evenings.
i do grocery shopping online most weeks. DH does not like this as thinks i am controlling and he doesn’t know what to cook if he didn’t do the shop. We have a grocery list and each can write something when we need it.

This week he requested to do the shop (at the actual shop) when we needed it. He agreed to go tonight. I went for a run and he fed the kids, as I do once a week. When I came home he did bath time, put toddler to bed and I put baby to bed. Then he went and did shop, for 2h. At 10pm I’m hungry so make pasta and eat although it’s his turn to cook. 10.30pm he comes home and I help put things away (I’m tired, this is pretty much bedtime). I notice he’s bought reduced fat coconut milk and just ask him not to take offence but that he gets full fat in future as it’s just not as good. He goes crazy yelling waking up the baby, throwing yoghurt on the floor saying I’m controlling and he “can’t stand it anymore”. I do not get it. I didn’t ask him to shop at night time. I usually do kids dinner it’s just tonight he did it. He always gets in such a crazy stress these days. Aibu?

OP posts:
gatehouseoffleet · 31/08/2022 07:55

I use half fat coconut milk, it's exactly the same for a lot less fat and calories.

But I agree his reaction was completely over the top - maybe you can add it to this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4622303-to-ask-the-most-immature-or-spoiled-behaviour-youve-seen-from-an-adult?page=12&reply=119625275

Yes life with small kids is a stream of chores, so you'll have to think of strategies to reduce the work and to accept that neither of you are, or can be, perfect.

You both need to sit down and have a rational discussion about the issues you both face and how you could deal with them. As someone said on another thread the other day, the vast majority of issues on MN could be dealt with by COMMUNICATING WITH EACH OTHER (not by shouting :) ).

Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 07:56

HolyCow83 · 31/08/2022 00:02

@FrecklesMalone gosh how do you do it. I get both ready for bed but baby is crying and toddler wants a story at the same time. Which do you do first?

Seriously?

PortMac · 31/08/2022 07:56

My husband does all the shopping and I couldn't give a shit what he buys. It's something I don't have to do!
Little kids can feel draining but why does everyone whinge about having to "look after the baby all day".
Isn't that what parents do?
If I'd come home after doing all that and was whinged at for buying the wrong coconut milk, I'd probably react like that.
Far out, just relax and go to bed.
Leave it to him to sort out.

DappledThings · 31/08/2022 07:56

I can't see how the 2 hours is notable or concerning in itself.

I do the big shop once in a blue moon but could easily take that long. 15 mins drive each way, queueing at the tobacco counter to split a note to get the coin for the trolley that I never have, browsing the homeware bits and clothes just because I have the luxury of doing so without children moaning, going back and forth 3 times because I can never find everything the first time. Easily 2 hours out of the house.

Stravaig · 31/08/2022 07:58

You haven't answered the question from several posters, OP. Do you criticise DH all the time? Constantly nitpick over small things? Everything has to be your way, your preferences?

IF you do, that's not a marriage, it's not teamwork, it's not compromise. It's a dictatorship, it's you who are controlling, and the other person will snap eventually.

The answer was to check you're compatible before you have kids. Even so, a laid-back and smitten partner will just cruise along, being tolerant - until one day they've absolutely had enough.

If you are hyper-critical, decide which is more important. Having a relationship with the actual man in front of you, in which case it's his preference half the time. Or having everything your own way, in which case, divorce.

Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 07:58

Speaks volumes that the only other time the op has posted on mumsnet is to start another thread whinging that her dh doesn’t get her dd to bed in time (a mere half hour late).

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4618000-husband-always-puts-dd-to-bed-late

My sympathy lies with the dh. He’s at breaking point

Delatron · 31/08/2022 07:59

Reread the initial OP as some people are misreading.

‘I went for a run - he fed the kids (so she didn’t feed the kids as another poster said), When I came home he did bath time (why didn’t she do bath time and he set off straight for the shops??) I put the baby to bed. Then he went to the shops.

So he’d worked all day, come home - she went for a run - he fed the kids, did bath time and put the toddler to bed. Then went shopping in order to do his fair share of cooking. And she moans about the coconut milk. I think I would have lost my shit too!

Namedifferentorquestion · 31/08/2022 08:00

Why is he very stressed:

Any links to this controlling behaviour? "Glitteratitar · Yesterday 23:30
your last thread was you complaining about him putting your DD to bed half an hour later than you do and how this was driving you mad
I remember that thread. You were really annoyed he would put your daughter to be just half an hour late. Do you criticise and try to control a lot of his life OP?"

Namedifferentorquestion · 31/08/2022 08:01

now it's nit picking over low fat coconut milk - oops he got the wrong type

Jewel7 · 31/08/2022 08:01

He sounds stressed. Probably tired. Did you cook for him as well that night?
It sounds as though neither of you are communicating to well over the mundane things. Maybe you need to have a chat about what you both “like” to do at home and work out a new routine. He does sound helpful/involved compared to some dh’s.
Give him the login for the shopping he can download the app and add what he needs for the days he cooks. Plus maybe you need to consider what he wants to cook if this isn’t already discussed. It would be frustrating if someone is deciding even the simple things.

Delatron · 31/08/2022 08:02

He had to shop at that time because you had gone for a run and then he still had to do toddler bath and bedtime even though you were in the house. Why didn’t you take over bath-time when you got back from your run?

Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 08:04

The op won’t be back

but if by any chance the DH reads this - you have my sympathies!!

FusionChefGeoff · 31/08/2022 08:04

Ragged · 31/08/2022 03:27

write "FULL FAT coconut milk" on the shared shopping list
we don't meal plan. We look in fridge for what food is at risk of going off, and eat that
It's kind of illuminating how other people manage their household food
I've stayed a lot in stranger's homes, Airbnb, it shocks me a little How Much food single people (hosts) have in their fridges, no wonder people can't keep track of what they have unless they meal plan

Would be even more likely to have lots of unused / excess sauces/jars etc. in fridge if OP & her DH start doing excess shops. Doesn't that undermine point of meal-planning even more?

Meal planning isn't about deciding what to eat based on what's in the fridge. It's deciding what to buy based on what you want to eat!

If you don't meal plan, how do you decide what to buy when you go to the shop?

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 31/08/2022 08:04

I think the low-fat coconut milk is the least of your worries OP.

And some people wonder why their DH/partner walks out ?!

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 31/08/2022 08:07

of course you can leave him @HolyCow83 . what a strange thing to say

MaChienEstUnDick · 31/08/2022 08:10

ReeseWitherfork · 31/08/2022 04:43

You’ve got to start working better as a team, your current setup doesn’t work at all.

This stuck out to me: “Our life just feels like endless chores now.” …stop doing so many them. Let some stuff slide. And for goodness sake if you go for a run once a week, don’t time it with food shop day. It’s great that you’re doing it, but try and make life a little easier for yourself.

As for bed time… I can do all three by myself if I don’t do them all at once, I just do them one after each other. Baby 1 bathed and fed while toddler and baby 2 play upstairs, baby 2 bathed and fed while toddler gets in bath, babies both settled to sleep while toddler is in bath, toddler out of bath and in bed.

@ReeseWitherfork I don't mean to be a dick but please tell me you don't ever leave a toddler alone in the bath?

Jamaisy82 · 31/08/2022 08:12

Obviously you know the whole story but can only judge from what I've read. Everyone gets stressed at times, he seems stressed and so do you. People are allowed to get annoyed and over react to situations its just life its just marriage. Its sad that arguments are over food shopping but if that's all they are over then it's something that can be resolved.

MichelleScarn · 31/08/2022 08:13

@MaChienEstUnDick that's not being a dick at all! Also frightening me!

giveovernate · 31/08/2022 08:14

Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 07:53

Op your op makes me so so so happy that i am a single parent. Honestly - none of this hellish drama. And most importantly - my children don’t grow up with parents that don’t really like each other, let alone love each other

Presumably their other parent and you don't love each other, otherwise why are you single?

BellePeppa · 31/08/2022 08:16

Before people accuse him of being abusive this could have been ‘the last straw’. Does OP regularly nitpick over stuff (I’ve no idea I’m just asking), is OP generally over critical etc? Maybe, maybe not. I just know if I’d had it up to here with regular nitpicking I might well react the same but it certainly wouldn’t make me abusive. Obviously more back story needed (sorry haven't read full thread as on way to work).

justasking111 · 31/08/2022 08:18

stillvicarinatutu · 31/08/2022 00:50

Maybe he was also frustrated at being undermined when clearly trying to do his share .

Op - I mean this kindly but you need to look at your behaviour here and maybe he has a point in saying you are controlling. I know it's hard sometimes to relinquish control but the kind of not picking you describe led to me leaving my partner . I just got so sick and tired of it .
You must have picked up the wrong thing at the supermarket at some point ?
I bought low fat crème freche last week but tbh couldn't tell the difference when I cooked with it .

I think you need to cut him some slack . Have you talked to
Him ? I'd apologise tbh . There wasn't any real need to criticise when he'd made an effort to out the toddler to bed , shop and cook .

I presume the fact you made pasta means he hadn't eaten either ? Did you save any for his evening meal? Or did you expect him to do his own at 10.30 pm ?

I think you need to realise he was actually pulling his weight . In the same circs I have lost it too if the only thing my dp could say was "you've got the wrong tin of coconut milk " 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm in agreement here. Whoever shops and cooks the other shuts up. We keep a running shopping list in the kitchen too he sounds like a good partner who's tired. You're both working through the hardest time just now child wise.

Single parents reading this thread will smile wryly.

Try and get a break, together if possible.

User34352515 · 31/08/2022 08:20

People do realise that "fat reduced" coconut milk is simply regular coconut milk watered down? It's one of the most common scams in food marketing. It costs the same as regular coconut milk but you can get double the amount by buying regular and diluting it.

Stripedbag101 · 31/08/2022 08:21

MissingNashville · 30/08/2022 23:57

I can easily spend 2 hours on a weekly shop, that’s the reason I do online.

Show quote history

Depends how far away the shop is - and whether he is a browser!

@Aquamarine1029 is strangely aggressive about this so I assume he/she has personal experience of neutral. But someone could spend 90 mins grocery shopping and half an hour travelling to and from the shop. Doesn’t mean he is cheating

ancientgran · 31/08/2022 08:21

If he'd been at work all day, spent the evening doing chores I would think by 10.30 he was tired and hungry. No he shouldn't have lost it but God what a moment to nitpick about the milk.

Has it occurred to you that he might prefer the low fat milk even though you think the full fat is better?

LittleBearPad · 31/08/2022 08:30

Well you need to talk.

I could easily spend 2 hours shopping particularly if it felt like a break from home.

Then he went and did shop, for 2h. At 10pm I’m hungry so make pasta and eat although it’s his turn to cook. 10.30pm he comes home and I help put things away (I’m tired, this is pretty much bedtime).

This bits interesting. Did you cook enough pasta for him that he could eat dinner when he came home, whilst you started putting the shopping away. It doesn’t sound like it. You seemed more focussed on the fact it was his turn to cook and you’d had to cook for yourself.

Having a baby and toddler is knackering. You need to be a team.