Husband furious after grocery shopping

[HolyCow83]

DH and myself take in turns to cook evening meal for ourselves, me 4 days a week him 3 days. Im on mat leave right now. We have 2 small kids, I make their food most evenings.
i do grocery shopping online most weeks. DH does not like this as thinks i am controlling and he doesn’t know what to cook if he didn’t do the shop. We have a grocery list and each can write something when we need it.

This week he requested to do the shop (at the actual shop) when we needed it. He agreed to go tonight. I went for a run and he fed the kids, as I do once a week. When I came home he did bath time, put toddler to bed and I put baby to bed. Then he went and did shop, for 2h. At 10pm I’m hungry so make pasta and eat although it’s his turn to cook. 10.30pm he comes home and I help put things away (I’m tired, this is pretty much bedtime). I notice he’s bought reduced fat coconut milk and just ask him not to take offence but that he gets full fat in future as it’s just not as good. He goes crazy yelling waking up the baby, throwing yoghurt on the floor saying I’m controlling and he “can’t stand it anymore”. I do not get it. I didn’t ask him to shop at night time. I usually do kids dinner it’s just tonight he did it. He always gets in such a crazy stress these days. Aibu?

Fgs…just do meal planning and a full shopping list between you BEFORE you order or shop in store.
its way too late to debate merits of full fat vs reduced once you’ve shopped and it’s a matter of opinion that you need to settle when calm, not tired and cooperative. The obvious solution is you use full fat when you cook, he uses what he wants when he does. And you put that specific detail on the list before whoever does shop.

honestly, you are making this difficult for yourselves. Neither of you are mind readers. Both of you are entitled to your own opinions. I do not agree he is abusive, more very frustrated that he left it late in evening to do shop. Took him 2 hours, he’s not eaten and is hangry and probably realises he left it too late. Your tired and frustrated you had to cook for yourself. So neither of you are in good place to knit pick over what has now actually been bought at that time of night….know when and what to pick your fights over.

everyone is acting like he she should be simpering in praise of him

Think this is projecting somewhat. A lot of people have put themselves in his shoes and can understand his frustration and many have said his shouting and throwing was not acceptable. He obviously isn't a slacker.

And maybe HE prefers light coconut milk

I think you're looking for people to validate you and call him abusive - 'I felt like he would hit me'. It doesn't sound like he came close to hitting you

This. I noticed he only became scary and abusive when OP didn’t get the immediate cries of LTB she was looking for.

My Mum nitpicks like that and it's not just one thing, it's multiple things every day. I don't know how my step dad copes, sometimes it feels that people just can't get things right.

well this is all kind of wrong. How hard is it to bung 2 extra handsfull of pasta in a pot? and he could have it when he got home. Why did he go shopping late? well - OP went for a run and then he did the kids. Sure, they could have rearranged that - maybe there was no food in? maybe he just wanted to get out of the house (he WFH i believe?) there are all number of reasons.

The OP could have done the shop in a couple of clicks from the sofa. He wanted to go to the shop, for him. He wasn't helping the OP out. He was inconveniencing her at 10:30 at night when she has a baby and a toddler to look after. How hard is it for him to do the shop in a timely manner without annoying the OP the whole way through it?

It’s very possible that it’s OP who ignores what her husband wants in the shopping basket, which is why he feels the need to do a late evening trip rather than leave it to OP to do the shop.

I disagree that he is necessarily abusive or even controlling. That sounds like he is struggling to cope. Parenting is hard and sometimes the dad (or the working outside the home parent) really struggle but doesn’t have the same access to people to talk to.
A small just silly thing to try would be to set aside an hour one evening a week and have a glass of wine or pudding and coffee and do the shopping online together. It will take longer and be less convenient but might be a gesture that calms the upset.

No excuse for throwing yoghurt.

But honestly, I can see why he was upset. He’d just spent all evening doing chores and the first thing you say is, ‘you got the wrong coconut milk.’ It wasn’t the right time to raise it and I can see why he feels like he never does anything right and, honestly, it does sound like in that moment you were being a bit controlling. He hadn’t done it your way so you instantly picked him up on it.

Next time maybe wait to raise these kinds of things. Next time he’s about to go shopping and coconut milk is on the list just say something like, ‘Oh, just check that the coconut milk is full fat. We’ve had the reduced one before but it wasn’t as good.’ or something similar. You don’t need to make a big deal out of the fact he got the ‘wrong’ one (when really it’s just about your preference) or raise it right there and then. If you’re like that a lot immediately pointing out whenever something isn’t to your standards no wonder he feels stressed out.

He’s working you’re not, he does half of the cooking and when he gets back from the supermarket you start telling him he’s done the shop wrong??? Poor guy!

As a controlling person, I’ve been introduced to therapeutic parenting where parents look for the “nurture need” behind behaviour. I’ve learned it applies to all people and often what we say or think we need is different to what we do actually need, and often what we want to achieve by asserting control is different to what actually happens.

When we assert control, we’re undermining the other persons autonomy, which in turn can create frustration and resentment.

I’m still learning, but my current mantra is “nurture trumps control” and I bring that to mind before my natural need to maintain control kicks in.

So I’d encourage you to consider why DH is reading LO a second story at bedtime (to spend more time with them? Because he’s a softy who can’t say no to them? Does it help him to wind down and regulate after a day at work? To avoid spending time with you?) For some working parents, bedtime is the best part of their day, enjoying reading a story to their child and having that special 1-2-1 time. Then consider, does you need to have control over what time bedtime is, how many stories are read etc trump that nurture need for both DH and LO who has that limited 1-2-1 time with their daddy?

I’m sure there are lots of other times that you can think of that you haven’t shared here that you can call to mind and I would encourage you again to look at the needs of the other people involved and consider whether your need for control in those situations really should have trumped their needs.

Getting your head around the fact that you’re controlling is hard - nobody wants to have themselves thought of as being controlling, but being able to be honest with yourself and admitting it to yourself allows you to know yourself better and to start to make changes.

If you’d like to know more about therapeutic parenting, Sarah Dhillon has written some books on the subject.

The OP could have done the shop in a couple of clicks from the sofa. He wanted to go to the shop, for him. He wasn't helping the OP out. He was inconveniencing her at 10:30 at night

or she was inconveniencing him by going for a run and then not putting the kids to bed when she got back necessitating him having to go late? I agree that with pp saying he may have just wanted to get out for a bit.

And again: why does she get to decide what they have by doing the online shop? is there a discussion about it first? maybe he really likes another brand of yoghurt or low-fat coconut milk (agree with pp - that's just a waste of money). Maybe he likes food shopping (i do) there are all sorts of reasons the evening panned out like it did. And again for everyone ignoring it: throwing yoghurt and shouting wasn't good. But it really does sound like a last-straw situation.

The way around this is to talk.

@AdviceNeeded367 Big love to you for an insightful, generous and very nurturing contribution.

The OP could have done the shop in a couple of clicks from the sofa.

And it wouldn't have arrived that evening or even necessarily the next day, so possibly no use at all if he needed food to cook with.

He wanted to go to the shop, for him.

Why is that a problem?

He wasn't helping the OP out. He was inconveniencing her at 10:30 at night when she has a baby and a toddler to look after.

Both of whom were in bed! Hardly an inconvenience - she could also have gone to sleep herself if she was so tired.

How hard is it for him to do the shop in a timely manner without annoying the OP the whole way through it?

It's not his fault OP was annoyed. He worked all day, fed and bathed the children and put the toddler to bed while she went out for a run. She chose to nitpick over a can of coconut milk 🙄

@AdviceNeeded367 Thank you for posting. I know I am a controlling/nitpicking person. It's just DH and I, no kids, but I do often find myself questioning his choices, and I hate being like that. If you have any other suggestions for resources that are not focused on parenting then I'd love to hear it!

I think it's culmination of things and it just exploded. I agree, with the previous thread, OP you need to let him do stuff or just do it all yourslef to your satisfaction. You are being quite controlling. These are just 2 examples, I would very much bet my ahoes there will be more

Sounds to me like he is quite a decent bloke who pulls his weight and does his fair share. Do you pull him up on a lot of things? is nothing ever quite up to your standards?
Are you controlling with your shopping habits ? - not getting what he wants, perhaps dictating too much of what he eats etc......

if so - maybe he has had enough of your ways.

And again: why does she get to decide what they have by doing the online shop? is there a discussion about it first?

There is a list he can add items to? How is that her deciding?

I think we can much assume that he wouldn't get the low fat coconut milk... Logical assumption is then that there is surely more items on list which would either change or be met with "are you aure? The one I would pick is better".

Sounds to me like he mooched around the shop slowly to get a bit of a break from home, which says something in itself. That got your back up (nearly bedtime etc) and you made a passive aggressive comment about the purchases. That would do my head in too, but I probably wouldn’t throw a fit about it unless I was already at the end of my tether.

I’m all for dividing chores equally OP and it sounds like you’ve got a system to ensure that. But with equal effort comes equal influence. If he’s doing to shopping this time then it’s his choice to make and you need to back off.

She held off doing the online shop because he wanted to do a shop in the supermarket. There would have been food if he didn't want to do a shop irl.

It's a problem because he spent 2 hours annoying her with video calls because he can't do a shop himself. What do you mean it's not his fault? It's not his fault he spent the shop video calling her? It's not his fault he took 2 hours to do what a competent adult can do it half an hour? It's not his fault it took him 2 hours and multiple video calls to do what takes the OP 10mins? It's not his fault he had a tantrum because the OP said she doesn't cook with low fat coconut milk?

How could she sleep when he needed talking through the shop like a child?

The coconut milk was for her to cook with, she said this. Why would it be on his list of things he wanted for an online shop?

There is more to this than a grocery shop . It seems your relationship has issues way past this and this was the breaking point ? I’m in no way saying us actions are allowed but the fact he tell you “ you are to controlling “ tells me something else is amiss and I cannot judge o advise without more info . Have a chat once you both calm down . Make sure you are not micro critical in your daily life . It’s easy to go down that route where you constantly criticise small things . I’ve done it and so has my partner at times and just creates resentment that builds up .

No, she said ‘I cook with the other coconut milk’. We have no idea what this coconut milk was destined for, just that it’s not what she generally uses. As he cooks, as well, there’s no reason why it wouldn’t be on his list/something he wanted.