Husband furious after grocery shopping

[HolyCow83]

DH and myself take in turns to cook evening meal for ourselves, me 4 days a week him 3 days. Im on mat leave right now. We have 2 small kids, I make their food most evenings.
i do grocery shopping online most weeks. DH does not like this as thinks i am controlling and he doesn’t know what to cook if he didn’t do the shop. We have a grocery list and each can write something when we need it.

This week he requested to do the shop (at the actual shop) when we needed it. He agreed to go tonight. I went for a run and he fed the kids, as I do once a week. When I came home he did bath time, put toddler to bed and I put baby to bed. Then he went and did shop, for 2h. At 10pm I’m hungry so make pasta and eat although it’s his turn to cook. 10.30pm he comes home and I help put things away (I’m tired, this is pretty much bedtime). I notice he’s bought reduced fat coconut milk and just ask him not to take offence but that he gets full fat in future as it’s just not as good. He goes crazy yelling waking up the baby, throwing yoghurt on the floor saying I’m controlling and he “can’t stand it anymore”. I do not get it. I didn’t ask him to shop at night time. I usually do kids dinner it’s just tonight he did it. He always gets in such a crazy stress these days. Aibu?

What do you think she’s up to? Like, line-dancing or something?

🤣🤣🤣

Two sides to every story.

😂

I always wish we could hear wife and husband out on those threads...

The fact that he calls you controlling is a huge red flag for me. Controlling people just love telling their partners that they are the problem.

Er….so if you live with someone controlling, you shouldn’t mention it to them?

I think a lot depends on your DC. Eldest would draw while I got toddler and baby to sleep. I ended up having to put them in the same room, so I could breastfeed the baby lying beside the toddler. You could try a sling for the baby, so they're close while you're looking after toddler or I'd get toddler to bring me books and read them on the couch while I breastfed the baby. The really sad thing is H was mostly at home by bedtime, but doing bugger all because he needed to relax after work.

The timing was pretty lousy bringing it up late at night like that, but his behaviour isn't justified by that. I can't work out if he's like my H and you end up saying things badly and at the wrong time out of fear of his reaction (guilty), or if it's exhaustion and stress making things toxic or if his reaction was the because that comment was the last straw. He sounds like he's fairly hands on and helping to share the obvious load of childcare and cooking, but maybe not the mental load that comes with.

But then people couldn't post about how awful all the men are

Pottery class. We’ve all seen Ghost.

True that 😜

Have you actually read anything? He gets home from work at 7pm, he then put two children to bed whilst OP went for a run. Then he went shopping, he wants to go shopping because he cooks 50% of the time but OP refuses to buy the ingredients he needs when she does the online shopping.

How could he have done the shopping in a more timely manner with this schedule?

And then Op sits there and has the cheek to be disgruntled that he somehow has managed to fit making her dinner in. Beggars belief. When he gets wise and walks out, she might realise what she had and threw away.

*not managed

You're actually defending this man's behaviour?

This is what the OP posted on her other thread

Yeah she’s in bed usually by 8. Ok perhaps I am being too strict. Just seems like she’s tired in the day and needs to go to bed earlier and it’s completely out of my control

Because the DH finishes work at 7 and spends an hour rather than 20-30 mins putting DD to bed. The most telling bit is its completely out of my control. That indicates the OP wants things done her way. That is not how a partnership works.
Constant nit picking is infuriating. That said DH should not be throwing things around and shouting but everyone has a snapping point at which something like this happens. It doesn't mean he is abusive or about to hit her.

he cooks 50% of the time but OP refuses to buy the ingredients he needs when she does the online shopping.

Well you've just made that up. What the OP said in her OP was :

i do grocery shopping online most weeks. DH does not like this as thinks i am controlling and he doesn’t know what to cook if he didn’t do the shop. We have a grocery list and each can write something when we need it.

Some of these responses are completely batshit.

Yes and you’ve missed the fact he actually made the toddler’s tea too - she says he did the kids tea. Then he did bath time for them both and put them both to bed. OP was back from her run at this point so unclear why she couldn’t chip in and help with bath and bedtime to speed things up so he could get to the shop.

Couldn’t the DH have gone to the shop as soon as she got back from her run? Then she does the bath and bed time? That would have made more sense. Unless I’m missing something.

OP doesn’t actually say ‘he did tea’. She says she makes their tea most evenings and then goes on to say he fed them.

I don’t think he made the toddler’s tea.

You're actually defending this man's behaviour?

again for the hard of deciphering: nobody has said that chucking yoghurt around and shouting is right. Not one poster.
Many posters have said, given the mithering about how he puts their daughter to bed 30 minutes late (my take: she still needs a daytime nap) and insisting on doing an online shop when he didn't want to, and then going for a run waiting while he did the kids and went shopping then made food for only her (his turn to cook) and then mithered at him about the wrong coconut milk? And we are pointing out that yes, he probably reacted badly, but all in all we can understand that he was provoked in that moment (but had the wrong reaction).

What other behaviour does he do that needs defending? goes to work all day? does his fair share of cooking? does his fair share of parenting? is fine when OP goes for a jog once a week? what is it that makes him the monster here?

The young children years are incredibly stressful. For each partner in different ways. Being at home with a baby doing the housework (note older child is at daycare)? sure, you can have totally shitty days. I loathed it. Working all day, coming home and picking up the slack? pressure to earn the money that pays the mortgage? yep done that too. you can have totally shitty days.

OP needs to have time with her DH where they don't have those pressures, maybe a monthly baby sitter or something. And to talk. Communication is key.
That is why i haven't left or stabbed my DH of 40 years. Because when it gets this far we stop and talk about what's bugging us.

"OP needs to have time with her DH where they don't have those pressures, maybe a monthly baby sitter or something. And to talk. Communication is key.
That is why i haven't left or stabbed my DH of 40 years. Because when it gets this far we stop and talk about what's bugging us."

Amen. I bet there's more to this story than just coconut milk.

@Brefugee

again for the hard of deciphering: nobody has said that chucking yoghurt around and shouting is right. Not one poster.

I haven’t read all posts but a poster said op berates him for the wrong tin of milk ? I kind of get it . I'd have probably chucked the tin not just a yoghurt.

That is saying what he did is right.

Another said he was hangry. Again implying what he did was fine.

that isn't saying it was ok. It is saying they get that he got angry. It is very far from right.

Hangry - is a concept you understand, yes? it is also not saying it is fine.
Nobody. Not one person has said shouting like that and chucking yoghurt is fine. You are just implying things - in your own head.

but sure, OP is a sainted individual who doesn't deserve that absolute trainwreck of a husband.

Of course saying you’d do the same is saying what he did was right 🙄

bollocks it is. That's just extrapolating. It isn't ok. And the fact that in 11 pages you found 2 not-really-condoning his behaviour says a lot.
Again: nobody has said it is ok.

Ah, you’re one of those people who believes everything they do is right.