Husband furious after grocery shopping

[HolyCow83]

DH and myself take in turns to cook evening meal for ourselves, me 4 days a week him 3 days. Im on mat leave right now. We have 2 small kids, I make their food most evenings.
i do grocery shopping online most weeks. DH does not like this as thinks i am controlling and he doesn’t know what to cook if he didn’t do the shop. We have a grocery list and each can write something when we need it.

This week he requested to do the shop (at the actual shop) when we needed it. He agreed to go tonight. I went for a run and he fed the kids, as I do once a week. When I came home he did bath time, put toddler to bed and I put baby to bed. Then he went and did shop, for 2h. At 10pm I’m hungry so make pasta and eat although it’s his turn to cook. 10.30pm he comes home and I help put things away (I’m tired, this is pretty much bedtime). I notice he’s bought reduced fat coconut milk and just ask him not to take offence but that he gets full fat in future as it’s just not as good. He goes crazy yelling waking up the baby, throwing yoghurt on the floor saying I’m controlling and he “can’t stand it anymore”. I do not get it. I didn’t ask him to shop at night time. I usually do kids dinner it’s just tonight he did it. He always gets in such a crazy stress these days. Aibu?

Jesus Christ, you're both ridiculous to argue over some coconut milk. Out of interest, why did you wait until late at night to eat?

"He spent the whole evening doing chores", whilst you were out running. Why weren't the chores done by one/both of you earlier? Who goes shopping at 10pm? I think you both need to work out who does what (perhaps you should stick to doing the online groceries) and when.

That doesn’t even make any sense in relation to my post?

I don't think OP got the response they were looking for, hence the lack of response at 12 pages in.

She said ‘he fed the kids like I do once a week’

So we can interpret that as we wish. But I’d missed she only feeds the kids one a week. I guess one is a baby so doesn’t need feeding. We don’t know what ‘feeding the kids’
involves but she said he did that, along with bath and bed.

She does also say she feeds them most night so it’s very confusing.

But he did feed the kids that night. We don’t know if that also involves cooking.

Most people are on her side, the Poll result certainly is

She may be back. She posted a few times late last night and may just be busy with 2 children and not looking at mumsnet. 😮

She said she feeds the kids most evenings. It’s the run that is once a week.

I'm pretty sure she meant she goes for a run once a week not that she feeds the kids once a week :
I went for a run and he fed the kids, as I do once a week.

She does say that she feeds them most nights so I'm pretty sure she was talking about going for a run once week rather than feeding them.

We have 2 small kids, I make their food most evenings.

Yes I misread the sentence but it was a bit clumsy.

I went for a run, he fed the kids, like I do once a week.

But still, on the evening in question- he made their food. As well as bathing and bedtime and shopping and cooking.

Sounds to me like he suggested the shopping etc when he had the energy for it, but after realising it was going to take up the entire evening and leave him hungry he lost his rag. Rather than admitting it was too much for one evening, and asking if you could help, he acted the martyr and then threw a wobble

I think the point is he chose to go shopping on the 1 night of the week the OP goes for her run which is probably why he was feeding them and bathing them that night, he then put one of the children to bed and OP put the other to bed. She does say she never asked him to go shopping at night time

@feistyoneyouare it is utterly insane to go shopping at 10pm when you’re then going to be cooking.

so he returned at 10:30pm and was planning on cooking?

yes it’s fine to go shopping whenever. But 10pm at night when you’re going to go home and use ingredients from your shop to cook a meal is madness.

I wouldn’t even want to eat that late I’d be too tired.

The OP said he came home at 10pm having been out for 2 hours, so he must have left at 8pm?

sorry 8:30pm and home at 1:30pm

10:30pm!

@WalkingOnTheCracks - there are people on this planet who run marathons in the amount of time it apparently takes your wife (and the OP's husband) to shop for groceries.

see that makes no sense. When I’ve had to get ingredients for the nights meals, I either grab the exact ingredients on my way home or DH goes out and does a quick shop.

it’s doesn’t make sense to go out at 8pm to get ingredients for a meal and return at 10:30pm.

@HelloBunny and @crispsndip YYY to your posts.

Some men make their partners pay for any demand on their time and energy, and seem to think any criticism or suggestion is an affront to their notions of themselves.

I presumed he was doing a full weekly shop, not just getting ingredients for one meal. 2 hours isn’t that long if you’re buying a full weeks shop for 4 people.

You said, “Of course saying you’d do the same is saying what he did was right”

That’s not true. They’re not the same thing.

But evidently you think that no one would say they’d do something unless they thought doing it was right. They’re the same thing. For you of course saying you’d do something is the same as saying it’s right.

So you must think everything you do, or even say you’d do, is right,

Or can you imagine doing something you thought wasn’t right?

@Midpmcoffee In all honesty, social services got involved with us and DS put on a chip protection plan. We were lucky enough to get a social worker who was herself a foster carer and she recommended therapeutic parenting to me. I’m a LP with DS who has autism and ADHD, and my mum was also a LP with a catalogue of abuse throughout her lifetime from childhood and I’ve really struggled to parent well with codependency and control issues. They’re things that I’m working on and change is being made gradually, slow but surely. DS’s behaviour is a lot better now that I’m better at being an “unassailable safe base” and I’m a lot less stressed now that I’m more in control of myself. I know social workers are often seen to be the devil, but I’m so grateful that they came into our lives.

@MissingNashville he was going to cook that night as it was his turn.

so doing a massive long shop late into the evening doesn't make sense to me.

LTB.

(OP, please forward to your husband.)

Indeed. In both cases, I imagine they enjoy it.

Seems reasonable to me.