Husband furious after grocery shopping

[HolyCow83]

DH and myself take in turns to cook evening meal for ourselves, me 4 days a week him 3 days. Im on mat leave right now. We have 2 small kids, I make their food most evenings.
i do grocery shopping online most weeks. DH does not like this as thinks i am controlling and he doesn’t know what to cook if he didn’t do the shop. We have a grocery list and each can write something when we need it.

This week he requested to do the shop (at the actual shop) when we needed it. He agreed to go tonight. I went for a run and he fed the kids, as I do once a week. When I came home he did bath time, put toddler to bed and I put baby to bed. Then he went and did shop, for 2h. At 10pm I’m hungry so make pasta and eat although it’s his turn to cook. 10.30pm he comes home and I help put things away (I’m tired, this is pretty much bedtime). I notice he’s bought reduced fat coconut milk and just ask him not to take offence but that he gets full fat in future as it’s just not as good. He goes crazy yelling waking up the baby, throwing yoghurt on the floor saying I’m controlling and he “can’t stand it anymore”. I do not get it. I didn’t ask him to shop at night time. I usually do kids dinner it’s just tonight he did it. He always gets in such a crazy stress these days. Aibu?

And your point is........?

I mean I don't understand why at 8pm when the OPs husband said right I'm off to do the shopping they didn't have a conversation about dinner there and then, If i were the OP I'd be saying something like, "It's really late now, I'll cook tonight then and you can cook tomorrow instead because I'm starving" or "It's really late now, why don't you do it tomorrow night instead"

There are different ways to view what’s happening here. The only thing I’m sure of is that he shouldn’t have shouted, he definitely shouldn’t have thrown things and that’s very worrying.

So, what’s happening?

Option 1: he’s an abusive bastard who’s gaslighting you into thinking you’re controlling, when in fact he’s the one trying to control you: how you shop, what and when you eat, etc.

Option 2: he’s exhausted and trying very hard to be a good breadwinner while also doing childcare, shopping, and cooking, and he simply can’t cope with what he’s aspiring to do.

Option 3: for whatever reason, he’s cracking up and behaving irrationally.

Option 4: you spend too much on online shopping, he’s stressed about money and trying to reduce spending without criticising you, and your critiquing his shopping finally pushed him over the edge.

Sounds difficult for both of you, I’m sure you’re both exhausted, things will get much easier as the bby gets older, this is the hardest time. Hugs xx

Yep. That's what I'm thinking. It just doesn't make sense. Lack of communication between them.

It does seem like he picked worst night, the night of the run, to do a full shop. Who knows what’s going on. Maybe he just wanted to get away if there’s been an atmosphere. He shouldn’t be yelling and throwing things. If he’s abusive she needs to leave or make him leave. If they’re both just tired and fed up and bickering, they need to communicate better. It’s not a good situation for anyone.

I can sort of see where he is coming from with the groceries - don't agree that you are controlling but it can be hard to know what to cook if you don't plan/buy the food. I do the online shop, DH picks it up (and puts it away, hurrah) but I do the cooking. If DH chose what to buy I wouldn't know what to cook so much as I meal plan then order the ingredients.

I think it might be best to collaborate on the online shop - he chooses three things to cook and adds the ingredients to the basket then you do the same for what you cook.

That's the other question, did he purposely pick the night he knew he'd be doing loads around the house/with the kids because it was the night OP had her run, so he would look like a martyr who does everything? Who decided "OP's run night" was the night this shop should be done

tbf though the OP says in her OP that there's a shopping list they can both write in before she did the online shop, so he could have planned his meals and just wrote in the ingredients he needed there

Get your shopping delivered. Saves a lot of the stress and carry on!

Saying you would do the same is condoning what he did. You know it. I know it.

I’ll translate…

”As it’s inconceivable that anyone would disagree with me, you must be lying.”

My DH used to constantly correct or challenge stuff I did. These were minor things, small little tiny, “oh do it this way”. I would eventually go ballistic. I genuinely don’t think he realised he was doing it (he went to therapy for another issue which nipped it in the bud).

I cannot tell you how it was eroding my very soul, it’s tiny little blows of “oh you got it wrong again’ drip drip drip over time. If I had written it down a lot of mumsnetters would have said that sounds annoying but you didn’t have to lose your shit. It felt controlling because it was. And if you say give me examples I probably would have struggled because it was the background noise of my day.

I’m nit saying thats you OP, but try not commenting on how he does stuff and see how that goes for 24 hours,

I just said fuck in front of my 10 year old when I stubbed my toe.

i did it.
But I don’t “condone it”

@giveovernate - the point is that two hours is at least one hour too many to do grocery shopping. Its not too many if you've kind of checked out of home life. It's enough time for a long chat with someone willing to lap up your 'hard done by' narrative too.

Says who? And in my opinion having this level of rigidity in how long you would allow someone to go to the supermarket for is uber controlling!!

Balls.

Who are you to define the ‘maritally acceptable’ duration of a trip to the supermarket? Who are you to tell me my wife she’s checked out of our marriage? Who are you to pronounce upon the conduct of anyone else’s relationship? Who are you?

Red flag: controlling people frequently cite general ‘rules’ with which they declare everyone else should conform. They want to control not only those close to them but - actually - everyone.

Ooh, I can see myself doing that. I must think it’s alright.

Makes me think her husband must be gramps Simpson standing by the cashier relating the tale of every coin in his pocket.

Not a popular opinion going by the three comments after this ridiculous one!!

Who do I need to talk to out of interest?

Are you a single parent/ person yourself?

Egg timer on the worktop for every task.🤣🤣

OPs other whinge was he took to long to put DD to bed, is that also a "checking out" sign?

I thought it was things like long nights and frequent nights out with mates, not wanting to engage in family life, no intimacy, no sharing responsibility!

But fuck me it's all about doing shopping once a week for an hour too long, reading too many bedtime stories, dealing with bedtimes, sorting toddlers, working till 7 then cooking dinner!

It's modern day. OP may allow an Alexa timer?