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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Swinging with married man

277 replies

namechangeforsexchat · 30/08/2022 21:45

Not a troll or reporter, I promise, name changed for this as it's very personal!

I am married and DH and I are considering swinging with an ex of mine. No issues with the fact that he's an ex - it was short lived - great sex but not relationship material.

I know he's into swinging and and engaged in multiple situations where he has met people for casual sex / swinging. Issue is, he's married with 2 kids and his wife doesn't know.

Would this put you off meeting him? Or would you think, he's doing this anyway, it's up to him?

Hard hat on....

OP posts:
SavoirFlair · 31/08/2022 20:05

Dajeeling · 31/08/2022 17:18

Love how anything calling out the OP what she is she reports. Bet she’s actually just getting off on sharing her sleazy sex stories on Mumsnet 😂🤮

Yeah but @Dajeeling real adults don’t resort to name calling to get their point across.

You don’t need to give her a label. You’re here to give her advice.

SavoirFlair · 31/08/2022 20:08

quietnightmare · 31/08/2022 17:15

@SavoirFlair

In regards to this situation yes. Please don't insinuate I am thick, this is an adult conversation

I don’t need to insinuate - I say things as I see them. It was a poorly phrased, catch-all assertion that doesn’t apply here.

Every adult has agency to choose what they want, but some are mature enough to ask people first before embarking.

The OP has done that. She is to be lauded for it I feel for being brave enough to explain her position and seek advice.

quietnightmare · 31/08/2022 22:35

@SavoirFlair
You are so cute 🤭

Jibbajabba1 · 31/08/2022 22:39

Cheating is cheating

giveovernate · 31/08/2022 22:53

@SavoirFlair no one is here to give her advice, that's utter bullshit!

They're here to give her opinion!

DixonD · 01/09/2022 00:33

namechangeforsexchat · 30/08/2022 21:50

It wouldn't be an affair. It would be a one time sex event, which he would do with others regardless.

That’s a threesome isn’t it? Never had such a meet up called swinging before - I thought that involved multiple people at a party, rather than just one other person.

I’ve never done either, so I could be completely misinformed!

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 01/09/2022 01:54

RudsyFarmer · 31/08/2022 20:03

I’m trying to imagine the scenario of you and your husband having sex whilst your ex is sitting on a chair in the corner of the room just happily masturbating. I think I’d need therapy after that lol.

It’s the asking him that’s making me giggle. How do you even broach it with an ex from years and years ago .

Do you channel your inner Adele. ?

I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things, I didn't give to you
Old friend, why are you so shy?

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it
I had hoped you'd see my face
And that you'd be reminded that for me, it isn't over
so wanna come over and watch my husband shag me?

😂😂😂

MissTrip82 · 01/09/2022 03:24

namechangeforsexchat · 31/08/2022 12:16

@BoviTraci and others posting similar - I really, really don't have any unresolved feelings for the ex. It was a fling with great sex but was never going to go anywhere further (because I knew I couldn't trust him!).

I don't have any ill feeling towards his wife, but I also don't feel any responsibility towards her either.

Really?

You don’t think you owe anything to anyone you don’t know? You don’t need to take reasonable steps not to hurt or harm people just because you don’t have a relationship with them? You never do anything to benefit someone you don’t have a relationship with?

That’s really how you live?

That’s a desperately unpleasant way to live alongside your fellow humans, and surely not what you teach your children to do.

Original poster
namechangeforsexchat · 01/09/2022 22:05

@Wisteriaroundthedoor that's funny 😆

OP posts:
CPL593H · 01/09/2022 22:10

namechangeforsexchat · 01/09/2022 22:05

@Wisteriaroundthedoor that's funny 😆

Any chance of telling us how you would feel if you found out that your DH had a threesome with an ex partner last week and didn't tell you?

Sorry to labour the point, but it does seem relevant.

Original poster
namechangeforsexchat · 01/09/2022 22:12

Well, of course, I'd be absolutely livid and likely chuck DH out.

But - my DH won't do that as we're very open about fantasies and he knows i'd be up for being involved.

If she finds out and chucks him out, that's up to her I guess?

OP posts:
CPL593H · 01/09/2022 22:21

I wouldn't be quite so certain about your DH as you appear to be. He has already introduced the idea of involving a third party in your relationship (no partner of mine ever has) and you are apparently seriously talking about it becoming a reality. Watch out for his next "fantasy". It may not be so palatable to you and the boundaries will have already shifted.

wellhelloitsme · 01/09/2022 22:22

Well, of course, I'd be absolutely livid and likely chuck DH out.

And you'd think he was a complete cunt who is so arrogant he thinks his dick takes priority over his wife and kids.

Aside from the question do morals, Do you really want to shag a complete cunt? Such an absolute, arrogant arsehole?

I can't imagine finding such a prick attractive enough to shag tbh.

wellhelloitsme · 01/09/2022 22:24

But - my DH won't do that as we're very open about fantasies and he knows i'd be up for being involved.

To any fantasy?

What if he likes this one and decides he wants a MMMMF encounter, with you as the F?

Or another MMF encounter but with a kink you don't enjoy?

If you say no, maybe he'll decide you're not fulfilling his 'needs' and end up cheating.

I think saying 'DH won't do that' as confidently as you do is pretty naive. Very naive in fact.

You've opened the marriage up. Sometimes people then want to do so more and in different ways. Often their compatibility and boundaries drift apart in the process.

Sandra1984 · 01/09/2022 22:33

Big turn off for me. I have a problem with people who “have their cake and eat it too” at the expense of misleading others.

but that’s just me. You don’t have to be like me.

JustLyra · 01/09/2022 23:46

Why are you so keen to have him involved when there are a plethora of single guys on swinging sites and in clubs that would run far less risk of drama?

its not difficult to find a third when you’re looking for a make so why not go for a hassle free option that doesn’t involve the risk of being at the centre of someone’s marriage break up, as well as the extra risks to your own of including an ex?

Lisacrimplier · 02/09/2022 00:22

Gross. Ffs

drippyavecdrip · 02/09/2022 00:46

I think it's totally up to you what you do. I personally think that it's not your responsibility if a married man has sex with you, 3sum or whatever . You aren't responsible for his wife ffs. He should be in control of his dick.
You on the other hand, need to keep things to yourself. If you are asking randomers what to do, don't do it.

EBearhug · 02/09/2022 08:48

I personally think that it's not your responsibility if a married man has sex with you, 3sum or whatever . You aren't responsible for his wife ffs.

You're not responsible for her, but if you know about her, isn't it a case of do as you would be done by? There are enough married men out there who fail to mention they're married (I'm on Tinder,) and you're not responsible at all if you don't know about them, but when you do know and go ahead anyway, that is a conscious decision and means you are partly culpable. Open marriages rely on trust and honesty - his wife has no option to say she's okay with it, because she doesn't know. It might be the husband's responsibility to bring it up with her, but it wouldn't sit right with me knowing he hadn't.

wellhelloitsme · 02/09/2022 09:34

I personally think that it's not your responsibility if a married man has sex with you, 3sum or whatever . You aren't responsible for his wife ffs.

We aren't responsible for anyone else's behaviour, but I wouldn't want to be mates with people who do various things I think are cruel and very selfish. And putting others at risk e.g sexual health. Let alone shag them.

I think that's what a lot of us have an issue with. Why on earth OP would want to shag such an arsehole.

Especially when she could go on various sites to find a willing bloke. It being an ex is more messy than a stranger, who they could meet first to check out and ask to see STD test results etc.

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 09:37

Op I think people are struggling with your morals.the wanting to have sex with another woman’s husband, the whole cuckold, threesome, voyeur fantasy your husband has

mumsnet really would not be the ideal site for advice on something so niche, and if maybe better to find a sex site who caters for people like you.

AchatAVendre · 02/09/2022 09:40

I know he's into swinging and and engaged in multiple situations where he has met people for casual sex / swinging. Issue is, he's married with 2 kids and his wife doesn't know.

Would this put you off meeting him? Or would you think, he's doing this anyway, it's up to him?

Slightly different perspective, but multiple sexual partners, deceit, risky sexual behaviour, double lives, etc all correlate really closely with psychopathy/serious personality disorders, so no, I wouldn't get involved in this behaviour. It tends to draw you in, weaken your boundaries and make you unable to see what is healthy behaviour and what is not.

But then you and your husband are asking this question and are clearly drawn to it yourselves...

I suspect part of the reason you are asking on here is also because you get a bit of a thrill out of shocking people and seeing their responses. Of course its possible to indulge in this behaviour without telling a bunch of random strangers about it, so the fact that you have done so is quite telling. I would think you would get an equal thrill from the power you have over this man's wife and her relative innocence compared to the rest of you.

Cheeseonbeans · 02/09/2022 09:41

YANBU

His wife isn't your concern

If you and your DH want to have sex with him, and he wants to join you both, go for it.

If you invited a random man into this situation you'd have no idea if he was married or not, so I don't really see the issue.

Thatsplentyjack · 02/09/2022 09:42

🤣 ffs do people actually have these dilemmas in their live. What a ridiculous post

AchatAVendre · 02/09/2022 09:42

If she finds out and chucks him out, that's up to her I guess?

And this is the classic response. Most people would demonstrate a conscience here, or genuine guilt, not a casual "well its up to her what she does then" type response.

You've also conveniently forgotten the 2 children at this point too.

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