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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Swinging with married man

277 replies

namechangeforsexchat · 30/08/2022 21:45

Not a troll or reporter, I promise, name changed for this as it's very personal!

I am married and DH and I are considering swinging with an ex of mine. No issues with the fact that he's an ex - it was short lived - great sex but not relationship material.

I know he's into swinging and and engaged in multiple situations where he has met people for casual sex / swinging. Issue is, he's married with 2 kids and his wife doesn't know.

Would this put you off meeting him? Or would you think, he's doing this anyway, it's up to him?

Hard hat on....

OP posts:
lightisnotwhite · 02/09/2022 16:09

Agreed ,
.I think this thread is part of getting frothed up for a session.

This is so interesting, at what age should ones interest in sex be shelved lest one appear childish loathsome to strangers?
When you’ve learnt that sex doesn’t make bad relationships better. That hot sex is as much about weird/wrong ideas as it is about genitals. People are allowed to say that’s weird/wrong because a lot of the time , duh that’s the whole point.

allinatizzy · 02/09/2022 16:11

He's sleazy to be up for it, and you'd be sleazy to assist him in cheating on his wife (which is what you'd be doing, make no mistake), but tbh, I don't think you care about that. If anything, it's adding spice to the sauce. 😷 (Where's the barf emoji when you need one? Did MN intentionally omit it?)

wellhelloitsme · 02/09/2022 16:21

OP do you really feel attracted to someone who is such an absolute cunt?

I don't get it.

You want to shag someone you know is a horrible person lying to his wife and putting her sexual health at risk?

I love sex. I don't like shagging horrible people.

It's not prudish or pearl clutching for people to feel that way.

Original poster
namechangeforsexchat · 02/09/2022 17:32

I mean, yes, I do feel attracted to him on a basic level. He's good looking, great at sex and is sexy.

I'm also turned on by the whole situation and the fact that DH is turned on by it. We've had some great sex ourselves just fantasising about it.

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 02/09/2022 17:47

namechangeforsexchat · 02/09/2022 17:32

I mean, yes, I do feel attracted to him on a basic level. He's good looking, great at sex and is sexy.

I'm also turned on by the whole situation and the fact that DH is turned on by it. We've had some great sex ourselves just fantasising about it.

Turned on by specifically shagging a cunt who frequently cheats on his wife, rather than shagging another attractive bloke who is single, got it,

It sounds like the fact he's married and it would be cheating is part of the appeal. Is that right? Maybe that was the appeal all along.

CPL593H · 02/09/2022 17:57

namechangeforsexchat · 02/09/2022 17:32

I mean, yes, I do feel attracted to him on a basic level. He's good looking, great at sex and is sexy.

I'm also turned on by the whole situation and the fact that DH is turned on by it. We've had some great sex ourselves just fantasising about it.

Why is your attraction to him and his sexual prowess a factor if he's only meant to be watching OP?

(Gawd, this thread, I feel like I'm being played but can't look away)

giveovernate · 02/09/2022 18:04

namechangeforsexchat · 30/08/2022 22:09

@AnyFucker that's very judgemental, but I wouldn't expect anything less from you tbh.

I'm not seeking attention, I'm just asking for a range of views. I guess yours is one of them, but remember I am a person at the other end of your keyboard.

Is his wife not a person? But that's ok?

You're not a very nice person, no one who puts their sexual kicks above the feelings of others is very nice.

But you want people to remember and not be unkind that you're a person?

Give you head a good wobble and don't be the person who aids wreck a marriage and children's security?

lightisnotwhite · 02/09/2022 19:09

namechangeforsexchat · 02/09/2022 17:32

I mean, yes, I do feel attracted to him on a basic level. He's good looking, great at sex and is sexy.

I'm also turned on by the whole situation and the fact that DH is turned on by it. We've had some great sex ourselves just fantasising about it.

Well there you go. You can have fantastic sex with your husband without bringing another family into it.

And think of the relief if you and your husband really satisfied each other enough not to be bringing someone else in for real.

Original poster
namechangeforsexchat · 02/09/2022 19:15

I also never said he was only ever meant to be watching.

OP posts:
newnamethanks · 02/09/2022 19:25

I'm very keen on sharing STDs. How many has he got? How many would you like?

Christmasiscominghohoho · 02/09/2022 19:43

newnamethanks · 02/09/2022 19:25

I'm very keen on sharing STDs. How many has he got? How many would you like?

Have you never heard of condoms?

If he has a wife and goes out looking for sex then I’d imagine he wraps up better then a single man seeking a 1 night stand in a club

Christmasiscominghohoho · 02/09/2022 19:44

lightisnotwhite · 02/09/2022 19:09

Well there you go. You can have fantastic sex with your husband without bringing another family into it.

And think of the relief if you and your husband really satisfied each other enough not to be bringing someone else in for real.

Show quote history

Do you really think all swingers are not satisfied by their own partners 😂

RaginaPhalange · 02/09/2022 19:50

TimeFlysWhenYoureHavingRum · 30/08/2022 21:53

Sounds like a recipe for an std.

1000% This.

I'm not into s

RaginaPhalange · 02/09/2022 19:51

I'm not into swinging but he's absolutely vulgar for doing it being his wife's back.

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 20:18

Do you really think all swingers are not satisfied by their own partners

the truth hurts. But yes when two people are wholly satisfied by each other they don’t need to go asking others to come watch them or join in, as said, the truth hurts. When you need others. Then you ain’t fully and completely satisfied with what you have. And generally it’s the man who wants more and the woman who goes with it to keep him. Debasing herself along the way.

lightisnotwhite · 02/09/2022 21:01

Do you really think all swingers are not satisfied by their own partners

I’m sure not all. But treating sex like a shared hobby isn’t ideal. There’s too much baggage with sex however liberated you are.

MorganKitten · 02/09/2022 21:20

As someone who goes to sex clubs and swingers nights, that is him cheating NOT swinging. Both partners know with swinging, his wife doesn’t.
if you go to a club with a good reputation no man will hurt you due to the club rules.

MorganKitten · 02/09/2022 21:23

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 20:18

Do you really think all swingers are not satisfied by their own partners

the truth hurts. But yes when two people are wholly satisfied by each other they don’t need to go asking others to come watch them or join in, as said, the truth hurts. When you need others. Then you ain’t fully and completely satisfied with what you have. And generally it’s the man who wants more and the woman who goes with it to keep him. Debasing herself along the way.

Not true at all, there’s different kinks and some people enjoy being watched or joined. And shock horror sometimes it’s the women leading the way.

CPL593H · 02/09/2022 21:27

namechangeforsexchat · 02/09/2022 19:15

I also never said he was only ever meant to be watching.

OK, I read back, my mistake.

However; you seem to have no idea how murky the waters you are in are, OP. This isn't about the cheating aspect (although it should concern you more than it seems to) but ultimately you have absolutely no idea how your DH will actually feel, or you will feel, if all this happens. A fantasy between you and your partner is one thing, doing it is another. I think you are very naive to the potential consequences.

Why ask on Mumsnet if you have no qualms?

Original poster
namechangeforsexchat · 02/09/2022 21:52

@CPL593H you are exactly right. What you have written are my main concerns, and why I have come here asking for advice.

But, even despite those concerns, I wonder whether those are normal worries / anxieties when entering any situation like this (married ex partner aside, any swinging type behaviour) and maybe it's just beginners nerves...

Please don't get me wrong, I am absolutely not doing anything I don't want / am abused, brainwashed or gaslighted as some believe on here. I am as into this as DH is, I just want to make sure we are all ok.

OP posts:
roseotter · 02/09/2022 22:01

there are so many avenues for you to explore if you and your DH would like to explore threesomes, swimming, group sex etc. i think muddying the water by doing this with 1) an ex and 2) an ex who is married with KIDS is just stupid OP. Why don’t you and your DH go to a sex party like killing kittens? If you’re honest with yourself, there must be a part of you that has unfinished business with this ex of why, out of the 1000s of men you could find to have a thresome with you, would you go for him? in the days of Tinder, Grindr, plenty of fish, various swimming forums, swingers clubs,…. You choose an ex?

Penny242 · 02/09/2022 22:07

You could be opening up a lot of problems for yourselves entertaining your ex. If his wife is getting suspicious and links you all together, you’ll be outed. If you all have children they’ll probably get caught up in it. It’s the sort of gossip the internet and the tabloids love.

CPL593H · 02/09/2022 22:20

namechangeforsexchat · 02/09/2022 21:52

@CPL593H you are exactly right. What you have written are my main concerns, and why I have come here asking for advice.

But, even despite those concerns, I wonder whether those are normal worries / anxieties when entering any situation like this (married ex partner aside, any swinging type behaviour) and maybe it's just beginners nerves...

Please don't get me wrong, I am absolutely not doing anything I don't want / am abused, brainwashed or gaslighted as some believe on here. I am as into this as DH is, I just want to make sure we are all ok.

Fair enough OP, but the truth is that you (and DH) will not know how you will feel until you do it and by then it is too late, if there is going to be a problem.

This is outside my ken because I would never allow this in a relationship (and be re evaluating any man who suggested it) but I think it would be safer emotionally to take some of the advice upthread and do it more anonymously, if you are determined to, rather than involve an ex you still fancy and have history with. Even safer would be to keep it as a fantasy between you and your DH. Would he be happy with that?

One of the few bits of sensible advice my mother ever gave me was this; don't let anyone talk you into something you don't want to do. I have doubts that you are entirely convinced this is the right thing for you.

Issummeroveralready · 02/09/2022 22:28

I dunno. Isn't there something nice you could watch on the tele instead?

Heronimo · 02/09/2022 22:47

Herpes, genital warts, they aren't covered by a condom.

Enjoy your swinging diseases.