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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Swinging with married man

277 replies

namechangeforsexchat · 30/08/2022 21:45

Not a troll or reporter, I promise, name changed for this as it's very personal!

I am married and DH and I are considering swinging with an ex of mine. No issues with the fact that he's an ex - it was short lived - great sex but not relationship material.

I know he's into swinging and and engaged in multiple situations where he has met people for casual sex / swinging. Issue is, he's married with 2 kids and his wife doesn't know.

Would this put you off meeting him? Or would you think, he's doing this anyway, it's up to him?

Hard hat on....

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeforsexchat · 02/09/2022 12:41

I mean, the kids thing does bother me, and clearly I do have SOME feelings of guilt about his wife, I'm not completely cold. But, ultimately I don't think she's my responsibility.

OP posts:
MrsWooster · 02/09/2022 12:52

namechangeforsexchat · 30/08/2022 21:53

@Ship we could. But we're new to the game, and at least with him I know he wouldn't harm me. I'm worried about meeting a random man I don't know!

This is a pretty low bar you’re setting yourself.

gonutkin · 02/09/2022 12:53

Cheeseonbeans · 02/09/2022 09:41

YANBU

His wife isn't your concern

If you and your DH want to have sex with him, and he wants to join you both, go for it.

If you invited a random man into this situation you'd have no idea if he was married or not, so I don't really see the issue.

The issue is when you don't know someone is married, you aren't purposely being a shitty person. If you don't know, then that isn't your fault. Once I knew someone was married it would they were off limits. Why would you want someone in your life that is dishonest full stop?.. and especially if you were going to be having sex with them you'd want them to be completely honest so you can trust them to tell you should they for example contact an infection etc. basically if someone is dishonest to their wife and kids then they definitely will be to the person writing this post. Which could potentially put her and her husband in danger at some point down the line.

Sugerfree · 02/09/2022 13:12

This sort of philandering seems vulgar and ugly.

I find people who can't control their sexual urges disgusting and childish. My dislike is not really "moral", but aesthetic.

It's fine to sleep around when younger, and unmarried - above all, when you don't have children. But there's something loathsome about people who are that interested in sex - especially in later adulthood. It's like aging dope smokers.

The fact you're asking how we feel, demonstrates that you believe what you're intending to do is wrong. So you're an attention seeker as well as depraved.

SavoirFlair · 02/09/2022 13:24

Sugerfree · 02/09/2022 13:12

This sort of philandering seems vulgar and ugly.

I find people who can't control their sexual urges disgusting and childish. My dislike is not really "moral", but aesthetic.

It's fine to sleep around when younger, and unmarried - above all, when you don't have children. But there's something loathsome about people who are that interested in sex - especially in later adulthood. It's like aging dope smokers.

The fact you're asking how we feel, demonstrates that you believe what you're intending to do is wrong. So you're an attention seeker as well as depraved.

I find people who can't control their sexual urges disgusting and childish.

oh lookout, we have a live one

So what does “control [your] sexual urges” mean…

Is there a prescribed tariff or handbook of the kind of sexual urges that are appropriate in “later life?” Please do tell

It's fine to sleep around when younger, and unmarried - above all, when you don't have children. But there's something loathsome about people who are that interested in sex - especially in later adulthood. It's like aging dope smokers.

This post is really telling and so typical of the “oh, I’d rather have a cup of tea than all that humping and huffing and puffing” comments we get on MN every week.

So let’s get this right. When you’re young, you can shag enthusiastically. When you’re older, you have to not be that interested in sex because it is loathe some to have desires and fantasies.

If only we could cross match posts like these to the “waaah my DH has left me for someone else, why , we were best friends” posts.

Perhaps @Sugerfree those DHs didn’t want to be considered “loathsome” for wanting to have good, imaginative, fun sex every so often.

i am married, I respect my fellow women on here; but I genuinely cannot understand the “no sex please we’re Mumsnetters” orthodoxy on this board. Did you all trick your men into thinking sex might be more than 5 years pre marriage, 3 years after?

Sugerfree · 02/09/2022 13:29

I didn't write anything along the lines of: “no sex please..." I expressed my distaste for those that can't control their urges, when they're old enough to know better.

Calm down.

SavoirFlair · 02/09/2022 14:01

Sugerfree · 02/09/2022 13:29

I didn't write anything along the lines of: “no sex please..." I expressed my distaste for those that can't control their urges, when they're old enough to know better.

Calm down.

“Calm down” is said by folk who don’t like what another is saying. I’m perfectly calm.

Why should these “older” folk control their urges, when you said this isn’t a moral issue but an aesthetic one?

Is it ugly or un-aesthetic for older people to want sex?

is that not a question that can be answered?

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 14:03

SavoirFlair · 02/09/2022 13:24

I find people who can't control their sexual urges disgusting and childish.

oh lookout, we have a live one

So what does “control [your] sexual urges” mean…

Is there a prescribed tariff or handbook of the kind of sexual urges that are appropriate in “later life?” Please do tell

It's fine to sleep around when younger, and unmarried - above all, when you don't have children. But there's something loathsome about people who are that interested in sex - especially in later adulthood. It's like aging dope smokers.

This post is really telling and so typical of the “oh, I’d rather have a cup of tea than all that humping and huffing and puffing” comments we get on MN every week.

So let’s get this right. When you’re young, you can shag enthusiastically. When you’re older, you have to not be that interested in sex because it is loathe some to have desires and fantasies.

If only we could cross match posts like these to the “waaah my DH has left me for someone else, why , we were best friends” posts.

Perhaps @Sugerfree those DHs didn’t want to be considered “loathsome” for wanting to have good, imaginative, fun sex every so often.

i am married, I respect my fellow women on here; but I genuinely cannot understand the “no sex please we’re Mumsnetters” orthodoxy on this board. Did you all trick your men into thinking sex might be more than 5 years pre marriage, 3 years after?

Show quote history

That’s a bit much, you dove right off the Deep end then; not wanting your married ex from decades ago, sitting in the corner watching and wanking off whilst your husband shags you really doesn’t make us all repressed women who don’t have sex post marriage and whose husbands will leave them because of it. Bloody hell.

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 14:10

SavoirFlair · 02/09/2022 14:01

“Calm down” is said by folk who don’t like what another is saying. I’m perfectly calm.

Why should these “older” folk control their urges, when you said this isn’t a moral issue but an aesthetic one?

Is it ugly or un-aesthetic for older people to want sex?

is that not a question that can be answered?

Show quote history

It’s thr type of sex and yes the thought of asking an ex to come and wank off watching us have sex with out partner does make many of us queasy.

Original poster
namechangeforsexchat · 02/09/2022 14:11

There is clearly a spectrum of people on MN - those who (frequently) post about how they are in a sexless marriage / DH is messaging prostitutes / we have boring sex all the way along the spectrum to what we're considering and beyond.

I'm understand that the core of what I'm suggesting is not to everyone's taste, and I wonder if many of you would still be repulsed by it (ex's DE aside) - the idea of me and DH having sex in front of ex / him participating, simply because you think this is wrong / vulgar / not in the realm of what you might consider acceptable; because your own experiences are so far away from this you cannot imagine why this would be a turn on.

OP posts:
Sugerfree · 02/09/2022 14:12

I never claimed to want sex? for anyone of any age is ugly or shameful either.

You seem to be [in the pursuit of encouraging this kind of perversity] in the habit of making up strawmen!

wellhelloitsme · 02/09/2022 14:12

namechangeforsexchat · 02/09/2022 14:11

There is clearly a spectrum of people on MN - those who (frequently) post about how they are in a sexless marriage / DH is messaging prostitutes / we have boring sex all the way along the spectrum to what we're considering and beyond.

I'm understand that the core of what I'm suggesting is not to everyone's taste, and I wonder if many of you would still be repulsed by it (ex's DE aside) - the idea of me and DH having sex in front of ex / him participating, simply because you think this is wrong / vulgar / not in the realm of what you might consider acceptable; because your own experiences are so far away from this you cannot imagine why this would be a turn on.

I just can't imagine wanting to shag someone I know is a complete cunt.

Each to their own.

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 14:19

namechangeforsexchat · 02/09/2022 14:11

There is clearly a spectrum of people on MN - those who (frequently) post about how they are in a sexless marriage / DH is messaging prostitutes / we have boring sex all the way along the spectrum to what we're considering and beyond.

I'm understand that the core of what I'm suggesting is not to everyone's taste, and I wonder if many of you would still be repulsed by it (ex's DE aside) - the idea of me and DH having sex in front of ex / him participating, simply because you think this is wrong / vulgar / not in the realm of what you might consider acceptable; because your own experiences are so far away from this you cannot imagine why this would be a turn on.

This is an odd thing to write, of course there is a spectrum on here, there’s about ten million people

the key point is fundamentally you don’t need to experience something to know if the idea turns you on or not. Otherwise fantasies and porn wouldn’t be a thing.

do I think it’s wrong, nah, consenting adults do what you please, vulgar I don’t know, it’s an odd word, but likely not, I think it’s weird and a bit scummy/sick though to want your ex to sit and watch your husband fuck you, for him to join in and then I guess vice Versa where your husband watches your ex fuck you. The poor bastard has never even suggested he wants to do such a thing , I doubt he’s even in contact with you any more, and the only reason you’re desperately picking him is you’re scared a random will hurt you.

Original poster
namechangeforsexchat · 02/09/2022 14:42

@Fairylightsongs not sure why it's an odd thing to write, it's just true?? There is a spectrum of people on MN. Maybe my use of the word "clearly" confused things here - I meant "obviously".

And trust me, he is not a "poor bastard". I appreciate you only know what I haven't told you but he is very much interested (maybe even more so than we are). All 3 of us - me, DH and ex are all up for it.

OP posts:
EBearhug · 02/09/2022 14:50

I'm understand that the core of what I'm suggesting is not to everyone's taste, and I wonder if many of you would still be repulsed by it (ex's DE aside) - the idea of me and DH having sex in front of ex / him participating, simply because you think this is wrong / vulgar / not in the realm of what you might consider acceptable; because your own experiences are so far away from this you cannot imagine why this would be a turn on.

I don't mind being watched at all, or others joining in. I've been to swingers' clubs and had a whale of a time. Some of them may have had spouses who didn't know, but the majority were couples, both of them there.

What I think is wrong is that you know he's married and that his wife doesn't know. She is involved in this because of being married to him, but she is not getting any say, because she doesn't know. It's the secrecy and lieing that's wrong. If she genuinely knows about it and is okay about it, then go for it, but from what I've read, she doesn't know. Consent is important. No really does mean no, not no means no until I've worn her down a bit. Consent should be from everyone involved.

I understand not wanting a random bloke. You could go on a swingers forum and get to know people online first. You could go to a club - if it's properly licensed, there will be security staff, and IME, they're very keen to protect their licence. A lot will either not allow single men or vet and limit them. You only need to let others watch and join in if you want. And it will be better than being with someone you know is married and whose wife doesn't know.

EBearhug · 02/09/2022 14:53

Also, I'm 50 and I love sex and giving into my urges. Others seem to enjoy it, too. Age is irrelevant, as long as your hips and knees don't give out.

GreenManalishi · 02/09/2022 15:03

Sugerfree · 02/09/2022 13:12

This sort of philandering seems vulgar and ugly.

I find people who can't control their sexual urges disgusting and childish. My dislike is not really "moral", but aesthetic.

It's fine to sleep around when younger, and unmarried - above all, when you don't have children. But there's something loathsome about people who are that interested in sex - especially in later adulthood. It's like aging dope smokers.

The fact you're asking how we feel, demonstrates that you believe what you're intending to do is wrong. So you're an attention seeker as well as depraved.

This is so interesting, at what age should ones interest in sex be shelved lest one appear childish loathsome to strangers?

Does it get packed away with the wedding decorations other than for function? Or when you've dutifully produced 2.4 kids? Does it get thrown away with you g strings when you're 30? Or have you got until your 40 to stay connected to your below the belt region, after which having any sexual desire is vulgar?

You sound like a real fun sponge for whom a long dry life awaits 😂

Sugerfree · 02/09/2022 15:10

Love fun sponge it's funny.

Your misinterpreting what I wrote - less so.

GreenManalishi · 02/09/2022 15:15

I'm not trying to make you laugh, i was asking a genuine question.If you can't answer it that's fine.

there's something loathsome about people who are that interested in sex - especially in later adulthood.

I was just wondering when later adulthood begins and why you find the thought of those later adults having sexual desire so ugly and against your aesthetic? **

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 15:19

namechangeforsexchat · 02/09/2022 14:42

@Fairylightsongs not sure why it's an odd thing to write, it's just true?? There is a spectrum of people on MN. Maybe my use of the word "clearly" confused things here - I meant "obviously".

And trust me, he is not a "poor bastard". I appreciate you only know what I haven't told you but he is very much interested (maybe even more so than we are). All 3 of us - me, DH and ex are all up for it.

Well if you’ve already asked him and you are all in agreement. Why you on here. Crack on. We don’t need to know and you don’t need our aapproval

wellhelloitsme · 02/09/2022 15:26

Would this put you off meeting him? Or would you think, he's doing this anyway, it's up to him?

OP you asked us this.

We haven't walked into your home uninvited and said we wouldn't want to have a threesome with a married wanker (literally) because we wouldn't want to shag such an arsehole.

We've answered your literal question on a public discussion forum.

Why did you ask if you didn't want to hear answers?

Your hard hat must be pretty soft...

Sugerfree · 02/09/2022 15:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Sugerfree · 02/09/2022 15:34

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 15:19

Well if you’ve already asked him and you are all in agreement. Why you on here. Crack on. We don’t need to know and you don’t need our aapproval

Show quote history

Exactly. Either the OP is disingenuous in asking, or just wanting others to participate in their seedy fetish.

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 15:52

Sugerfree · 02/09/2022 15:34

Exactly. Either the OP is disingenuous in asking, or just wanting others to participate in their seedy fetish.

Show quote history

As of yesterday she’d not asked him now he’s bang up for it. Either way it’s not pretty.

Original poster
namechangeforsexchat · 02/09/2022 16:04

At no point have I said that that I haven't already discussed it with ex. But there a bit difference between discussing / fantasy / chat to turn us all on, and actually doing anything about that, hence why I came on here to ask advice.

My hard hat IS hard - I'm open to all of your comments but in the same way as many of you are challenging me, I will sometimes have a response. I wanted opinions, hence posting in here rather than Sec topic.

OP posts: