Swinging with married man

[namechangeforsexchat]

Not a troll or reporter, I promise, name changed for this as it's very personal!

I am married and DH and I are considering swinging with an ex of mine. No issues with the fact that he's an ex - it was short lived - great sex but not relationship material.

I know he's into swinging and and engaged in multiple situations where he has met people for casual sex / swinging. Issue is, he's married with 2 kids and his wife doesn't know.

Would this put you off meeting him? Or would you think, he's doing this anyway, it's up to him?

Hard hat on....

They are sex people, 😲😲 we have sex people, escape escape, sex people

Well this thread has put me right off my crumpets this morning. @namechangeforsexchat I think you should have at least posted in the Sex Topic so the sexperts could give you their proper advice.

I'm not completely clued up with wll this. But surely what you're describing is a threesome with a married man. Swinging would involve consent of everyone, his wife included, even if she's not joining? I might be wrong. But don't know how you'd justify this to yourself- and i think you could come to regret it. Morally it's just f**ked, pun intended. There has to be a better way to actually get into swinging if that's what ypu want.

This is a road that you really need to think hard whether you actually want to go down. Is this really how you want to live your life? It's so grim and sordid. Are you doing it just to please your DH? Is this something you would be happy for your DC to do in life? It's pretty horrible for many reasons. Think very carefully before taking this path as I doubt it is one that you will be happy to have gone down.

If swinging is your then thI couldn't be complicit in hurting his wife, regardless of how happy he is to do so.

Sorry, posted too soon. If swinging is your thing then that's fine. But he's just a cheat and I couldn't be complicit in hurting his wife, regardless of how happy he is to do so.

I know he's into swinging and and engaged in multiple situations where he has met people for casual sex / swinging. Issue is, he's married with 2 kids and his wife doesn't know.

So how did you know this? How did this even come about? How did you find out he was into "swinging" (or cheating as it's actually called) if he's an ex from years ago? Did he approach you out of the blue and ask if you were up for it? Or you him?

This is all very strange.

How tacky. And yes, really nasty because of his wife. Go get your kicks elsewhere.

Instead of having sex in this frankly grim situation why don't you do the right/moral thing and inform this ex's wife about what he's up to so she can make an informed decision herself?
Between your ex and your OH it sounds like you're not great at finding good men - perhaps because you don't seem to have any boundaries or morals and probably little self esteem. I'd work on that rather than desperately trying to find someone for your husband to watch you fuck.
Personally I don't think you're really into this and so have picked someone you've slept with before as it's seems much less awful than some random. People in open relationships that really work have to have huge amounts of honesty and trust, I really don't think you're in that place, I think you're just naive and this is the last thing you should do.

Dear @namechangeforsexchat

I am not interested in berating you or telling you off. You won’t get that from me. I’ll leave that to the pearl clutching vipers queuing up to throw a stone at you on this thread.

I would like to ask though please three questions that I think are key to this:

• Would you swing if it wasn’t your ex? I am curious to know if you would consider swinging and having a second male in a three, if the male wasn’t your ex? Is there a “safety and familiarity” thing here?

• What you want, and what does your husband want from this? are they the same thing? Do you want full penetrative sex with a male, or specifically your ex? Will your husband watch, or will he want to then have sex with you while the ex is there? Will he want to have sex with the ex?

If you haven’t gone through this mentally or verbally with your husband then you are in no way ready for any of this.

• Why did you not post in the Sex board?? As I’ve said to many other posters before, Mumsnet is not called AIBU. It’s a forum with lots of sub-boards and this is just one of them. By posting here you’re just getting the opprobrium of mainly women who are for the most part, in a relationship or conservative-thinking. On the Sex board you would get people who could guide you better in the ins and outs (excuse me) of this decision.

Finally, I have to say, I have never swinged or had this kind of sex before - but I fundamentally believe that forget the morals of a married man for a minute, why do you want your ex and your husband to be around in a sexual interaction? What power play is going on here, and how could you not have factored in the inevitable hurt and fallout? (Time doesn’t stand still the minute after you all cum etc…)

I think your post @Dajeeling is the nastiest thing on this thread - why throw insults at a stranger - why? Is that your contribution?

I honestly think people who post this stuff are secretly terrified their “I’d rather have a cup of tea than all that humping” stance in life may eventually lead to their DH or DP hoping for something or someone a little more, ahem, “dynamic”..

it’s classic shaming on the basis that if we all stay conservative and don’t outwardly like sex, then it’s safety in numbers

OP has been brave posting in here. Have some respect.

Not a condemnation or a judgement OP but please think carefully.

My first husband had this fantasy of watching me with another man and after a lot of discussion we did it. I didn’t really enjoy it tbh but I thought husband did. Over the next few weeks there were odd comments along the lines that he thought I’d enjoyed some things more with other man than with husband etc, these became more frequent.

Sex began to be a bit of a battlefield and it soon became clear that acting out his fantasy had become a total nightmare. Before we did this I would have rated our marriage as very strong, unbreakable.

It all ended up very badly.

You’ll be telling me she’s ‘empowered’ or some other total bullshit next. It’s gross behaviour. How about you show some respect to the wife looking after two children at home oblivious who will eventually need a trip to the local clap clinic.

@AnyodyAnywhere I’m so sorry to hear this.

it’s very decent for you to share this as this is the information OP could prob benefit with (rather than the 61st post of “you’re nasty, you’re immoral)

Riddled?

And you’re telling me @Dajeeling to “f_ off”?

I can’t stand the hypocrites on this board.

and yes I meant the word hypocrite.

Are you really telling me you haven’t put a foot wrong in relationships?

Never had sex with a partner without forensic condom use, or having extensive STI tests first?

Never desired (and I stress that’s all the OP has stated, she hasn’t done it) another person who is taken?

Never left one person because another thing has started?

Never had depression, let go of yourself and your ideal of yourself, become overweight, lashed out at someone verbally and then regretted it, etc?

What paragons we have on Mumsnet. All debt free, earning six figures minimum, would never use a toilet brush, cook from scratch, etc.

On the Internet, we are all saints.

That’s why I said respect the OP for being one of the few on here who are honest.

“

Consent is key. I would avoid this situation entirely because of the lack of consent or awareness of his wife.

If you need advice if you should do something or not then you are not mature enough to be doing said thing

Yeah so all the posters who come on here asking for contraceptive device advice aren’t mature enough to be having sex… all the people who ask if they should have a third child shouldn’t be allowed to have the first two.. all the people who spam AIBU with “where should I go on holiday” should have their passports removed..

your post @quietnightmare probably sounded more clever in your head before you wrote it

I have no issues with ethical non monogamy. This isn't that - because he's cheating on his wife. She doesn't get a choice here.

The fact he'd do it anyway is irrelevant. It's like buying from a puppy farm because it happens whether or not you buy a puppy. We all have personal responsibility for our choices. His actions towards his wife are cruel. Participating in that is cruel.

His wife is also a person at the end of the day isn’t she? Or is it only you who’s feelings matter?

Have some self respect.