Very limited guest list for wedding and mum wants to invite all her friends

[bells2810]

My fiancé and I are planning on getting married in a small venue with 50 guests at an absolute maximum. With our immediate families and then grandparents, aunts and uncles, as well as my fiancé’s best man, and two bridesmaids for me, this comes to 47 which we were happy with.

My parents have very kindly offered to help us to pay for the wedding. My mum is now saying that she wants to invite her friends to our wedding. We aren’t having a separate day/night do with extra guests arriving later etc, our only friends who are coming are in our bridal party because we wanted to keep it small and intimate. When I said this to my mum, she said I was being ungrateful and said I should remember that she is helping to pay for it.

My fiancé and I aren’t even inviting all the friends we would have invited in an ideal world because we want to keep numbers and costs down, and we had also wanted to keep it intimate. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and she keeps bringing up the money. She wants to invite her three best friends and their partners, as well as at least four other friends and their husbands too. This would take us over the 50 guest list limit and the only way we’d be able to accommodate it is if my fiancé and I cut down our list of family or don’t have anyone in our bridal party!!

I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to upset my mum and she is helping us financially but I can’t help thinking she has had her wedding, my fiancé and I don’t want to invite loads of people who aren’t our own close friends. I don’t know how to broach this with my mum without her getting defensive, angry or upset with us. Does anyone have any tips or had a similar experience?

[MiniDinosaur]

My MIL tried to pull this shit, and when we put our foot down about her friends and some other demands, she ruined our wedding. Don’t accept her money, or her demands.

[allinatizzy]

If the only way to get her to back off is to refuse to allow her to help finance the wedding, then so be it, but it's a shame that she's being so immature. The wedding is for you, not her! She's being very selfish to insist on having her own friends there, at such a small wedding.

In my circle, it's perfectly normal for parents to at least help finance the wedding, especially if it's a modest wedding and not an extravagant affair. Money for the wedding is often the parents' wedding gift to the couple.

[Hawkins001]

@bells2810
upgrade the venue to accommodate the extra guests, if the costs can be covered ?

[SleepingStandingUp]

@Hawkins001

@bells2810
upgrade the venue to accommodate the extra guests, if the costs can be covered ?

But why should the bride and groom have a venue they don't want so some random people they don't know can come?

[OriginalUsername2]

This is classic wedding thread fodder. Parents pay so want their say 🙄
You’re better off paying for all of it! The freedom and autonomy is priceless.

[Friendofdennis]

I read somewhere that in order to be fair the guest list can be divided as follows. : the couple 40% Grooms family can choose 30% and brides family can also choose 30%. So in your case that would be 20. 15 and 15

[Glittertwins]

I obviously got lucky as my parents paid for the wedding, receptions, cars and photos without any strings whatsoever.
MIL on the other hand tried to invite her friends and had her considerable nose put out of joint when DH informed her that those friends were not invited (no contribution from MIL/FIL in the end although they originally said they'd give DH what they gave their precious daughter).

[Banana2079]

U budgeted for 50 you have 47 . Tell her she can bring four friends , to make it fair as she is contributing , four is enough as it’s your wedding x

[Brideandpredjudice]

I assume OP won't be returning because she wasn't expecting to be told to give the money back and doesn't want to do this.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I assume OP won't be returning because she wasn't expecting to be told to give the money back and doesn't want to do this*

My very thought ...

[PlanetNormal]

Yep…

She can’t/doesn’t want to pay the money back.

[CoolerThanIceCream]

@bells2810 - did you not like the pages and pages of advice people posted for you?

[MarsupiIami]

I agree, I don’t think she got the response she was looking for at all!

[Gemma987]

How many friends does she want to invite?

[LovePoppy]

@Gemma987

How many friends does she want to invite?

14 according to her post.

so more that 10% of the guest list

[Canthave2manycats]

My opinion seems to be at odds with a lot of others'. I've been the other side of this. Close friend (paying for wedding) wanted to invite a couple of her close friends, and there were ructions. Eventually she was grudgingly allowed to invite a couple. These were people who had known the bride their entire lives.

Why can't people just compromise?!

[Womencanlift]

Because in this case the B&G have chosen a small venue so the mum’s friends cannot be accommodated. Simple really. Why should they be forced to have a venue they don’t want so Jean and Betty from the bridge club can come along with their husbands

And then the dad will want his friends, the the MIL, then the FIL. Where does it end? All of these people have already had their own wedding where I am sure their friends were present. Let the B&G have the wedding they want

[ClocksGoingBackwards]

Let the B&G have the wedding they want

Absolutely! And let the B&G pay for the wedding they want. Then no one feels forced about anything.

[Womencanlift]

@ClocksGoingBackwards

Let the B&G have the wedding they want

Absolutely! And let the B&G pay for the wedding they want. Then no one feels forced about anything.

Well exactly. Do it now with what you can afford. Or delay and save up.

[bells2810]

Thank you for all your comments and suggestions - I’ve not been back as I’ve been on a long shift and then sleeping, not because I got an answer I didn’t want to hear!!

We have already paid the deposit for the venue so upgrading to a bigger venue/guest list isn’t an option. 50 is our absolute limit because as I said, we wanted small and intimate, we have plenty of our own friends who could have been invited if we were going for a huge party, but that’s not what we want.

My fiancé and I have considered thanking my parents for the offer of contribution but saying we will pay for it ourselves. We would be happy to do this, I think my mum would be mortified if we suggested it though. We had planned on getting married next year, if we pay for the whole thing ourselves we will probably have to move it to the year after to have a chance to save up a bit extra which would mean losing the deposit, which isn’t the end of the world.

A few posters have suggested sitting down and going through the guest list with my mum and showing her that to invite her friends, we would have to essentially not invite some of our close family members, or lose bridesmaids/the best man. I think this is the option we are going to go with and just see what happens.

My mum is a genuinely lovely person and I love her to bits, and I know she just wants to be involved because she is happy and excited for us. She tried a similar thing for my older brother’s wedding, but as they got married during covid they literally could only have 30 guests and my sister in law has a large immediate family. I think she just wants to celebrate and have everyone there because that’s what her and my dad’s wedding was like, whereas a big party wedding just isn’t our style!

Thank you again for all of your suggestions.

[Sswhinesthebest]

There are 3 spaces left. Tell her she can choose three friends max!
Thats your only compromise you can make - which is the truth.

[waltzingparrot]

This may have already been suggested.

Could your mum throw a garden party for all her friends at a later date and you wear your wedding dress again.

[Dinoteeth]

Op have you included invites for the Bridesmaids and Best Man's partners? If you haven't I'd be pointing that out and think they deserve the other 3 spots before parents friends.

I'd definitely not be wanting to change the venue or up the size of the wedding. Doesn't matter the size of the venue or where you draw the they'll always be someone who potentially warrants an invite.

Talk to your mum, go through the list. And potentially offer up spots on the 'reserve' list, ie if A&B can't make it then we can invite X&Y.

[Slightlystressedbride]

My mum is a genuinely lovely person and I love her to bits, and I know she just wants to be involved because she is happy and excited for us

I would strongly suggest going through with your fiancé in advance of your discussion with your mum all the elements of the wedding and deciding between you what you are and aren't prepared for your mum to have a say in, and lay this out at the same time as your wedding guest discussion.

Otherwise I fear you will be having the same discussion on repeat when she wants a say in the food, the flowers, bridesmaid dresses etc etc.

Practice "no, I'm afraid that's not what we want." as a full sentence and getting comfortable with the ensuing silence.

Good luck!