Very limited guest list for wedding and mum wants to invite all her friends

[bells2810]

My fiancé and I are planning on getting married in a small venue with 50 guests at an absolute maximum. With our immediate families and then grandparents, aunts and uncles, as well as my fiancé’s best man, and two bridesmaids for me, this comes to 47 which we were happy with.

My parents have very kindly offered to help us to pay for the wedding. My mum is now saying that she wants to invite her friends to our wedding. We aren’t having a separate day/night do with extra guests arriving later etc, our only friends who are coming are in our bridal party because we wanted to keep it small and intimate. When I said this to my mum, she said I was being ungrateful and said I should remember that she is helping to pay for it.

My fiancé and I aren’t even inviting all the friends we would have invited in an ideal world because we want to keep numbers and costs down, and we had also wanted to keep it intimate. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and she keeps bringing up the money. She wants to invite her three best friends and their partners, as well as at least four other friends and their husbands too. This would take us over the 50 guest list limit and the only way we’d be able to accommodate it is if my fiancé and I cut down our list of family or don’t have anyone in our bridal party!!

I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to upset my mum and she is helping us financially but I can’t help thinking she has had her wedding, my fiancé and I don’t want to invite loads of people who aren’t our own close friends. I don’t know how to broach this with my mum without her getting defensive, angry or upset with us. Does anyone have any tips or had a similar experience?

[Maryminx]

Give the money back!
There are strings attached with your mums offer

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Give her the money back as your limit is 50

or offer her the 3 spaces

if 50 the max due to space In Wedding room

[Insanelysilver]

It’s hardly fair for her to do that. When I helped my daughter pay for her wedding , I didn’t expect any of my friends to get an invite as both sides of the family are big and any other spaces were obviously for the couples friends, not mine.

i’d give her the money back as it wasn’t made plain to you that your Mums expectations were that by contributing, she was buying enough invites for her friends! .

[Katekeeprunning]

Brilliant isea

[CKer]

I think she just doesn't compute that you aren't making excuses. In her head, she is visualising a big wedding ("fifty people is loads!") and not actually registering that it really isn't, when you include immediate and extended family in the equation. She is hearing 'wedding' and not able to get past the kind she's used to. Her generation tended to have either massive weddings, or informal pub visits after the registry office, from all I've heard. The smaller middle way people now often have is fairly new, I think?

I'd draw up a detailed list of everyone you want to invite, whether you had space to or not (so including friends that you had to snip) with a line under each on what role they play in your life, and (if not relatives) how long you've known them for. Then put the ones who can't be asked in red font with a strikethrough line.

I'd then give that list to your mum, together with a highlighter pen, and tell her if she wants to ask an additional 14 people, she needs to choose who to remove from the guest list to make that possible.

A visual representation, with notes, of what she's actually asking you to do should hopefully get through to her.

[Everyflippingusernameistaken]

It’s your wedding and your choice of guests. They’ve got a fecking nerve.

[CKer]

Oh, and she may also have had her mother do this to her. A friend had her step-mother do it - she was allowed 3 friends at her own wedding, while her stepmother asked 20. I think it used to be the norm and not all mothers have acclimatised to weddings now being planned by the brides, and not their mothers.

There was a mother on Mumsnet a few years ago, genuinely indignant that her daughter wanted a wedding in the way she, the bride, wanted and liked it. The mother posted, fully expecting Mumsnet to side with her - was so shocked to have her backside handed over instead. She said that the invitation comes from the parents of the bride, and the bride and groom are honoured guests, and therefore the planning is done by the mother, with input by the bride, as the mother and father are paying.

When it was gently explained that that isn't how things are done now and that the bride and groom choose their own wedding, and host it, not the bride's parents, she sniffily said no wonder brides are so Bridezilla and selfish these days. She clearly, and honestly, expected to run the wedding exactly as she wanted, and assumed that given it's traditional for parents to pay, then it's obviously also correct that they call the shots. (I seem too remember that she was proud that they'd declined the suggestion that the bride and groom pay, too! Often wondered what happened in the end with that one.)

She sounded awful, as a parent, but I felt for her a bit - she'd had her mother take over and glory in hosting her own wedding, but now it was her turn, her daughter was refusing to let her have her own day in the sun hosting, and make all the decisions on the day. So your mum may still be of the view that her mum planned her wedding, and now it's her turn to plan yours - in which case she's being quite relaxed in just asking for (impossible) friends to come. Either way, sitting down and working out what the expectations on her side are is imperative, or the day will be soured.

And for the love of God: if your only invited friends are two bridesmaids and the best man, ask at least the final 3 spaced as your friends, and not your mum's. Or it's going to be like wearing a wedding dress at a family Christmas.

Apart from anything else, what about your fiancé's family? Does his mum not get to ask 14 people, too?

[Bunchymcbunchface]

Give the money back and enlope

[Bunchymcbunchface]

Elope even!

[cordelia16]

@neverbeenskiing

Tell her that you're grateful, but you didn't realise when you accepted her offer that it came with strings attached and you'd rather pay for your own wedding than have a wedding you're not going to enjoy.

Exactly this

[anon666]

Ignore her, it's not her wedding it's yours.

We had 60 guests, no more would fit in the venue. All of our parents have lots of siblings, so that soaked up the lot.

Dh and I had exactly two friends in total plus one of my bridesmaids was a friend.

It was mortifying when my actual friends came a long distance just for the evening. 😔 Some of them were really cross as they had a nightmare finding it (the days before satnav)

Anyway, the only sort of wedding where parents friends get invited are the 200+ ones, and they are eye wateringly expensive. I would say to your mum that to accommodate her friends would mean scaling up the wedding, then give an estimated cost that she would have to pay. See whether that influences things.

[pollymere]

I had twenty guests at my Wedding Breakfast. It was either that or over a hundred. People were chill and went out for meals with each other after the ceremony. However, I did have a mahoosive shin-dig in a barn with BYOD, a limited free bar and limited buffet, and a DJ in the evening. Anyone could come to that part! Friends invited friends, my parents friends brought their entire families. It was a really excellent compromise. My Mum paid for someone to set up, run the bar and clean up. We had an amazing time. It's worth considering letting your Mum have something similar as an Evening Do and letting her pay for that, and you pay for the more intimate Reception that you want.

[ellyeth]

It's not really money willingly given is it - it seems to be being used as a bargaining tool. If you can possibly afford to, I would say thank you very much for the offer of money but as it comes with strings attached, and this is spoiling what should be a happy time for us, we would prefer to pay for it ourselves.

You have limited your numbers and have had to leave out people you would like to invite and it really isn't fair to expect you to invite a fairly significant number of people who are not your close friends/relatives.

[Canthave2manycats]

@PeachyPeachTrees

My wedding was 70 guests and my parents paid a big chunk. They invited about 10 of their best friends. Worked well for us. If I only had 50 then it sounds like they could have a few very close friends but not as many as they like. There will be quite a few invited that won't be able to come which means there is space. My Mum was nothing but smiles on my wedding day, she's passed now and these are special memories.

We had 70-odd guests, family and our closest friends at the time. We paid. We had an evening 'do' so my parents were able to invite their friends to that. We loved that we had included people we'd grown up with in our lives, and my parents certainly enjoyed sharing the big day with people they were close to.

Like the poster I've quoted, both of my parents and DH's parents are long gone, as are the majority of my aunts and uncles, and our parents' friends. I'm so glad that we were able to share our day with them.

I think a lot of you are forgetting that this is a big day in the life of a parent too! It's not just 'all about you'! Your parents reared you and sacrificed a lot in many cases to make sure you had the best of everything. Yes, you didn't ask to be born but they've put their heart, soul and finances into rearing you, and as a mum of adult children it can be a pretty fucking thankless job!!

Surely you could find it in you to let them invite a couple of close friends? Don't you think they deserve to enjoy your day too?!

Please tell your mum not to tell her friends how grudging you are being about including them! We got a 'grudging' invite - my friend really wanted us to be there and I was glad to go for her and her DH's sake - but all day long I felt conscious that the bride didn't want us there... my friend and I go back more than 30 years! I knew about her existence when she was a mere speck in the womb, and I first met her days after she was born...

[CactusBlossom]

Give he the money back. Alternatively, invite the people she wants to come, but tell her she can't come as that would put you over the numbers agreed... (tongue in cheek).

@PermanentTemporary is right; back in the day, the parents would foot the bill and invite their own friends, and the happy couple would be lucky to see anyone they knew on the guest list... but things have changed.

Another option might be to have an afternoon tea to which your mother and her friends would be invited (and your mother pays for that). There could be a special cake that the happy couple slices and shares. Might be a compromise that keeps the peace. If not, be wary of other signs of control that could creep in...

[perfectstorm]

@Canthave2manycats

We had 70-odd guests, family and our closest friends at the time. We paid. We had an evening 'do' so my parents were able to invite their friends to that. We loved that we had included people we'd grown up with in our lives, and my parents certainly enjoyed sharing the big day with people they were close to.

Like the poster I've quoted, both of my parents and DH's parents are long gone, as are the majority of my aunts and uncles, and our parents' friends. I'm so glad that we were able to share our day with them.

I think a lot of you are forgetting that this is a big day in the life of a parent too! It's not just 'all about you'! Your parents reared you and sacrificed a lot in many cases to make sure you had the best of everything. Yes, you didn't ask to be born but they've put their heart, soul and finances into rearing you, and as a mum of adult children it can be a pretty fucking thankless job!!

Surely you could find it in you to let them invite a couple of close friends? Don't you think they deserve to enjoy your day too?!

Please tell your mum not to tell her friends how grudging you are being about including them! We got a 'grudging' invite - my friend really wanted us to be there and I was glad to go for her and her DH's sake - but all day long I felt conscious that the bride didn't want us there... my friend and I go back more than 30 years! I knew about her existence when she was a mere speck in the womb, and I first met her days after she was born...

Her mother isn't asking for a couple of close friends. She's asking for 14, from a total of 50, when there are so many relatives on both sides that the only friends the bride and groom can ask as it is are her two bridesmaids and his best man. Who exactly is to be dropped, to facilitate this request?

[Mothership4two]

Absolutely stick to your guns OP and tell her you didn't realise that there would be strings attached and offer to pay them back - I'm pretty sure they would refuse when it comes down to it.

We had a 50 max policy at our wedding venue due to it's size and fire restrictions, so we agreed it would be fair if neither of us had extended family. I found this hard as I have a cousin who I am very close to. My parents paid about 2/3rds of the costs. Well my (usually lovely} Mum comes back from a visit with another cousin and says something like,"oh cousin Bob and his wife are soo looking forward to your wedding" which then ends up in a row between us as she pretends it's no big deal and of course they should be coming even though she knew full well our 'only close family' policy. and I am not particularly close to them - she is. I felt I couldn't uninvite them (I feel differently now) and so had to knock some guests off to accommodate them and their two kids - we hadn't sent off the invitations by then (she's sneaky). Mum was irritatingly smug about it. Bob and wife felt awkward on the day (they brought it up) and it was also awkward with DH's family. 24 years later and it still rankles.

[Mothership4two]

@waltzingparrot ·

This may have already been suggested
Could your mum throw a garden party for all her friends at a later date and you wear your wedding dress again

A celebration at your parent's house with your mum's guests is a good idea, but, maybe, not wearing your wedding dress (bit odd) - maybe show them some wedding/honeymoon photos instead?

[LBFseBrom]

@PurpleWisteria

Give the money back to her and invite who you want.

That.

If you give someone money it should not be constantly mentioned and there should be no strings. Your mum is out of order. In days gone by the bride's parents used to pay for the whole shebang!

[Dinoteeth]

@CKer

I think she just doesn't compute that you aren't making excuses. In her head, she is visualising a big wedding ("fifty people is loads!") and not actually registering that it really isn't, when you include immediate and extended family in the equation. She is hearing 'wedding' and not able to get past the kind she's used to. Her generation tended to have either massive weddings, or informal pub visits after the registry office, from all I've heard. The smaller middle way people now often have is fairly new, I think?

I'd draw up a detailed list of everyone you want to invite, whether you had space to or not (so including friends that you had to snip) with a line under each on what role they play in your life, and (if not relatives) how long you've known them for. Then put the ones who can't be asked in red font with a strikethrough line.

I'd then give that list to your mum, together with a highlighter pen, and tell her if she wants to ask an additional 14 people, she needs to choose who to remove from the guest list to make that possible.

A visual representation, with notes, of what she's actually asking you to do should hopefully get through to her.

I agree with that she's not thinking how many people 50 actually is. Divided by two families is really only 25 each side, or 12 couples & groom/bride.

She's possibly also feeling guilty at having been to friends kids weddings and wants to return the invite.

Talk to her show her the current guest list. And explain no room.

[DeadButDelicious]

There are some things that are worth sticking to your guns over and I believe this is one of them. I didn't and my MIL road roughshod over our wedding and that is something I regret. This is your wedding. You do it your way. I think offering the money back, even if it means postponing for a while or sitting her down with the guest list and asking her who she wants to uninvite in order to accommodate her friends is the way to go. Good luck OP!

[Confusedfirsttimemama]

Hang on, is it your wedding or her wedding?

[browneyes77]

My fiancé and I have considered thanking my parents for the offer of contribution but saying we will pay for it ourselves. We would be happy to do this, I think my mum would be mortified if we suggested it though.

Well maybe she’ll have to be mortified. Maybe then she’ll realise how unreasonable she’s being.

If she still insists on her friends being there, then as I see it the choices are:

1. Decline her offer of paying and pay for it yourself
   
2. There are 3 spaces left, she can invite 3 friends to fill them. That’s it.
   
3. If she wants more friends than that, then some of her family will be taken out of the invites to make room for her extra friends. And she can explain to those family members why they’re not invited.

[Slv199]

@bells2810

My fiancé and I are planning on getting married in a small venue with 50 guests at an absolute maximum. With our immediate families and then grandparents, aunts and uncles, as well as my fiancé’s best man, and two bridesmaids for me, this comes to 47 which we were happy with.

My parents have very kindly offered to help us to pay for the wedding. My mum is now saying that she wants to invite her friends to our wedding. We aren’t having a separate day/night do with extra guests arriving later etc, our only friends who are coming are in our bridal party because we wanted to keep it small and intimate. When I said this to my mum, she said I was being ungrateful and said I should remember that she is helping to pay for it.

My fiancé and I aren’t even inviting all the friends we would have invited in an ideal world because we want to keep numbers and costs down, and we had also wanted to keep it intimate. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and she keeps bringing up the money. She wants to invite her three best friends and their partners, as well as at least four other friends and their husbands too. This would take us over the 50 guest list limit and the only way we’d be able to accommodate it is if my fiancé and I cut down our list of family or don’t have anyone in our bridal party!!

I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to upset my mum and she is helping us financially but I can’t help thinking she has had her wedding, my fiancé and I don’t want to invite loads of people who aren’t our own close friends. I don’t know how to broach this with my mum without her getting defensive, angry or upset with us. Does anyone have any tips or had a similar experience?

Tell her the venue has a capacity of 50, your invites come to 47, there are 3 spaces left for her friends that she can use, but anymore than that and you'd have to change venue which you are not prepared to do. Don't even mention the option of not inviting anyone you already invited. Then tell her if she doesn't like it she doesn't have to come.