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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Very limited guest list for wedding and mum wants to invite all her friends

308 replies

bells2810 · 30/08/2022 13:45

My fiancé and I are planning on getting married in a small venue with 50 guests at an absolute maximum. With our immediate families and then grandparents, aunts and uncles, as well as my fiancé’s best man, and two bridesmaids for me, this comes to 47 which we were happy with.

My parents have very kindly offered to help us to pay for the wedding. My mum is now saying that she wants to invite her friends to our wedding. We aren’t having a separate day/night do with extra guests arriving later etc, our only friends who are coming are in our bridal party because we wanted to keep it small and intimate. When I said this to my mum, she said I was being ungrateful and said I should remember that she is helping to pay for it.

My fiancé and I aren’t even inviting all the friends we would have invited in an ideal world because we want to keep numbers and costs down, and we had also wanted to keep it intimate. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and she keeps bringing up the money. She wants to invite her three best friends and their partners, as well as at least four other friends and their husbands too. This would take us over the 50 guest list limit and the only way we’d be able to accommodate it is if my fiancé and I cut down our list of family or don’t have anyone in our bridal party!!

I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to upset my mum and she is helping us financially but I can’t help thinking she has had her wedding, my fiancé and I don’t want to invite loads of people who aren’t our own close friends. I don’t know how to broach this with my mum without her getting defensive, angry or upset with us. Does anyone have any tips or had a similar experience?

OP posts:
dottymac · 30/08/2022 13:58

Not her wedding - not her choice 🤷

MiddleAgedTraveller · 30/08/2022 13:58

MY DD is getting married
I am paying 100% of everything
No input at all into guest list and she and partner sent out invites
A couple couldn't make it and our friends have taken those slots- is that a compromise option?

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 30/08/2022 13:59

neverbeenskiing · 30/08/2022 13:48

Tell her that you're grateful, but you didn't realise when you accepted her offer that it came with strings attached and you'd rather pay for your own wedding than have a wedding you're not going to enjoy.

This. ^ I would not want any cash gift - be that towards a house or a wedding - that comes with strings. If your mum is paying @bells2810 she kind of has a right to call the tune and invite who she wants. Nah fuck that.

Refuse the money and tell her it's YOUR wedding and you won't have people there who you don't want. Pay for it all yourself, and have a much smaller wedding within your budget, rather than a massive fancy party run by your mother so she can show off in front of her peers.

Whammyyammy · 30/08/2022 14:00

Give the money back to her
She's basically only paying so her friends can come, which is ruining what you want.

Your mum doesn't sound like a very nice person, I'm.sorru to say

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2022 14:01

It isn't that hard op.

I want to ini

jennyt82 · 30/08/2022 14:01

I agree with what the majority have said about paying for the wedding yourself. We had a small wedding of 50 people, I would of hated anything bigger especially with people there who I didn't really know. Your mum sounds exactly like my mum would of been if my parents had contributed financially so we decided from the start that we were paying for everything ourselves and planned the venue and everything else to our budget.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 30/08/2022 14:02

My parents were going to contribute to our wedding. My side of the family was 30+ including all cousins etc. my parents decided that their money should pay for a free bar. With the extra people and the free bar the costs would be more than double the money they were providing. We decided to completely scale back our wedding so we could afford it ourselves and I feel much better having not taken money from them.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 30/08/2022 14:04

Have to say also, I am quite shocked to see quite a few people still pay for their adult childrens wedding. This seems very outdated and weird these days. Surely people who are old enough to get married, are old enough to fund the wedding themselves? Confused

I mean maybe the parents may buy the bride's dress, or pay for the flowers etc, but the whole wedding being paid for by the bride's parents is extremely odd these days IMO. I do find it a bit cringe that working adults (often with their own home) let their parents pay for their wedding. Do people actually really do this still?

Tiani4 · 30/08/2022 14:05

neverbeenskiing · 30/08/2022 13:48

Tell her that you're grateful, but you didn't realise when you accepted her offer that it came with strings attached and you'd rather pay for your own wedding than have a wedding you're not going to enjoy.

I think I'd say a version of this
That you have very limited numbers and there are close friends of yours you cannot fit in, so sorry , same as you have had to cut down , you can't add in extras that she would like to invite to your wedding. There's no room for more and if there were it would be people you as B&G are close to.

It's a bit tricky when she is Dina silky contributing but it's unreasonable for her to demand random friends of hers and their partners to attend! My parents helped a little towards costs of my wedding, they didn't expect any input on guest list nor would I when my DCs get married.

If she's already given the money I wouldnt return it as she's added these strings after you've put down deposits etc Much more tricky if she hasn't yet paid

Tiani4 · 30/08/2022 14:07

Your mum is helping to pay towards it not paying for all your wedding , you are.

I will help pay toward my DCs wedding when they need me to, but it will still be their wedding. Your mum is forgetting who's wedding it is

PuttingDownRoots · 30/08/2022 14:08

Elope, maybe with your best friends.

Cosycover · 30/08/2022 14:08

My mum paid for mine so I let her have some control over the guest list. But I had unlimited numbers.
Is this not an option for you? Or does the venue only hold 50?

Christonabike37 · 30/08/2022 14:09

Tell her you don't want her money and get a loan. Less strings attached and honestly, when someone starts pulling this shit before they even give you money you can bet 2 years down the line she's gonna start going on about how you haven't even paid it back yet.

SleeplessInEngland · 30/08/2022 14:10

Does anyone have any tips or had a similar experience?

No-one knows your mum or how she'd react to being told 'no' so there's no good advice to give other than: if you think this will be a deal breaker, politely decline the money and pay for your own wedding.

Apl · 30/08/2022 14:13

She’s using her money to try to control you and make your wedding about her. How nasty. I think you should be less concerned about her feelings, and more assertive.

Tell her that: your fiance and you have agreed on the wedding plan and you do not need or want any input. You have chosen a small wedding and are having 47 guests. If she wants to contribute to costs that is helpful, but that doesn’t mean she gets to change the wedding plan. You are absolutely not selling the right to plan the wedding. If she is unable to accept that then perhaps it is best if you pay for all of the wedding.

Apl · 30/08/2022 14:14

Christonabike37 · 30/08/2022 14:09

Tell her you don't want her money and get a loan. Less strings attached and honestly, when someone starts pulling this shit before they even give you money you can bet 2 years down the line she's gonna start going on about how you haven't even paid it back yet.

This is very true, there was a thread just the other day about someone’s mum moaning that they hadn’t been paid back, despite the money having been a gift (to fund urgent private surgery).

If you accept any money I expect you’ll be hearing about it for a looooong time.

alwaysmovingforwards · 30/08/2022 14:14

Pay for it yourself = do it your way.
Accept financial support = you're going to have to compromise.

If you want the financial support, but want it 100% your way, you're a CF and deserve to be called out as such.

Nekomata · 30/08/2022 14:14

Can you organise a separate wedding lunch for your mum and her friends? We had several wedding events as everyone was so spread out, so it was easier than getting everyone together. We had dinner at a posh restaurant with husband's family, a garden party for my family, a lunch out with my friends and a night out with my husband's friends.

Maybe a nice lunch or afternoon tea somewhere with your mum and her friends would be an acceptable aternative.

justaladyLOL · 30/08/2022 14:17

Do your own thing it is your day not hers

MiddleAgedTraveller · 30/08/2022 14:20

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 30/08/2022 14:04

Have to say also, I am quite shocked to see quite a few people still pay for their adult childrens wedding. This seems very outdated and weird these days. Surely people who are old enough to get married, are old enough to fund the wedding themselves? Confused

I mean maybe the parents may buy the bride's dress, or pay for the flowers etc, but the whole wedding being paid for by the bride's parents is extremely odd these days IMO. I do find it a bit cringe that working adults (often with their own home) let their parents pay for their wedding. Do people actually really do this still?

I have never been to a wedding where the bride and groom paid
I have never been to a wedding that didn't have a completely free bar/drinks

Different social groups have different conventions.
Both are normal and I wouldn't say outdated or weird- just because it isnt what you would do.

Gonewiththewindbeforelong · 30/08/2022 14:21

Do not ever accept money from people, you’ll feel you owe them at cost of your own happiness. Give the money back and stick to your original plan. This is not an event for show for your mum inviting her pals ffs

Dixiechickonhols · 30/08/2022 14:22

I agree with declining the contribution and deciding own guest list.

2bazookas · 30/08/2022 14:22

tell mum, no.

Singlemum90 · 30/08/2022 14:22

I would give the money back in as gentle a way as possible. Its one of those things that may spiral too, once you add on her guests it'll be that she wants flowers this way or thinks you should do xyz...it is very easy for mums to forget it's not their day. I honestly don't understand why mums get like this over their kids weddings. My mum was so shitty on my wedding day and the lead up we have barely spoken since, and it's been a couple of years. She took what should have been a day about me and my husband and made it so much more difficult for us, it ruined most of my memories of my day. And we didn't even accept their money 🤦🤷 please don't let it get that far! You only (hopefully) will have 1 wedding and it should be everything YOU and YOUR FIANCE want.

billyt · 30/08/2022 14:26

Don't forget @bells2810

Gifts should come with ribbons attached, not strings.

Please do not accept the gift even if she tries to say she won't get involved. She will and it'll be too late to back off then.

And congratulations, have a great day.