Very limited guest list for wedding and mum wants to invite all her friends

[bells2810]

My fiancé and I are planning on getting married in a small venue with 50 guests at an absolute maximum. With our immediate families and then grandparents, aunts and uncles, as well as my fiancé’s best man, and two bridesmaids for me, this comes to 47 which we were happy with.

My parents have very kindly offered to help us to pay for the wedding. My mum is now saying that she wants to invite her friends to our wedding. We aren’t having a separate day/night do with extra guests arriving later etc, our only friends who are coming are in our bridal party because we wanted to keep it small and intimate. When I said this to my mum, she said I was being ungrateful and said I should remember that she is helping to pay for it.

My fiancé and I aren’t even inviting all the friends we would have invited in an ideal world because we want to keep numbers and costs down, and we had also wanted to keep it intimate. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and she keeps bringing up the money. She wants to invite her three best friends and their partners, as well as at least four other friends and their husbands too. This would take us over the 50 guest list limit and the only way we’d be able to accommodate it is if my fiancé and I cut down our list of family or don’t have anyone in our bridal party!!

I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to upset my mum and she is helping us financially but I can’t help thinking she has had her wedding, my fiancé and I don’t want to invite loads of people who aren’t our own close friends. I don’t know how to broach this with my mum without her getting defensive, angry or upset with us. Does anyone have any tips or had a similar experience?

[Womencanlift]

@cingolimama

I'm going to go against the grain here, and ask why is 50 the absolute limit? Would it really be so awful to add six more places so your mum can bring her close friends and partners? I think it's a normal impulse for the mother of the bride to want to "show off" a bit (in a nice way). And while I don't approve of her bringing up the money, (as pp have pointed out, a gift should come without strings), surely there's some compromise possible?

Btw, congratulations!

Because the mum had her own wedding to “show off” to her friends. This is her daughters wedding not hers

If my mum started any of that shit before my wedding (and luckily I know for absolute definite she wouldn’t even consider it) she would be told that as well

[Bangolads]

Just give the money back- I see this too much sadly.

[faffadoodledo]

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps

Have to say also, I am quite shocked to see quite a few people still pay for their adult childrens wedding. This seems very outdated and weird these days. Surely people who are old enough to get married, are old enough to fund the wedding themselves?

I mean maybe the parents may buy the bride's dress, or pay for the flowers etc, but the whole wedding being paid for by the bride's parents is extremely odd these days IMO. I do find it a bit cringe that working adults (often with their own home) let their parents pay for their wedding. Do people actually really do this still?

Yep. Guilty. We paid for DS's wedding. With no strings. DiL's family couldn't have afforded it. The couple were newly graduated and in starter grad jobs so couldn't afford it themselves.
We all had a blast.
But If the marriage doesn't last, we won't be paying for another!

[SunnyD44]

Why would your mum invite HER friends?
Thats just weird!

Have you said erm no because that’s fucking weird!

Tell her if she doesn’t want to pay for the wedding then fine but there’s no way she’s inviting her friends.

[QuebecBagnet]

@SunnyD44

Why would your mum invite HER friends?
Thats just weird!

Have you said erm no because that’s fucking weird!

Tell her if she doesn’t want to pay for the wedding then fine but there’s no way she’s inviting her friends.

I think it’s fairly traditional back in the day when it was more common for the bride’s parents to pay for the wedding. My mum was horrified when she thought her friends couldn’t come to my wedding and very embarrassed because she had been to their kids weddings.

[uggmum]

Just say no.
It's as simple as that.
I'm assuming you are sending the invites. You can control who is invited.

My dd is getting married. She wants a small wedding. Around 20 guests. It's her wedding. Her rules.
I am happy with that. I am paying for the majority of it.

You need to be firm. Take control of it now. It is your day.

My MIL was similar when I got married. We paid for the wedding ourselves. She wanted to invite a big list of people. I said no. She offered to pay for them. I said no.
Eventually she got the message.

[NovaDeltas]

Money lenders almost always want something on return. Give her the money back and be firm. People like this need bringing down a peg or two.

[dianthus101]

I had a similar issue with my mother many years ago. She treated my wedding like it was her party rather than mine. She backed down when I said that I was happy to pay for the wedding myself but I was going to change the venue too and completely redo the guest list.

[Shadowboy]

Let her invite who she wants and you top up the costs. That way she pays the majority of the wedding but still gets her friends there but you get to still have who you want at your wedding at a reduced cost.

[SunnyD44]

I think it’s fairly traditional back in the day when it was more common for the bride’s parents to pay for the wedding. My mum was horrified when she thought her friends couldn’t come to my wedding and very embarrassed because she had been to their kids weddings.

I’ve honestly never heard of this.

[faffadoodledo]

Oh and my mother (and MiL) made our wedding all about them. Old people I didn't know.
Loads of them! It felt like it wasn't even out wedding. It's a generation thing and I was determined my son's wedding wouldn't be like that.
Just tell your DM it's an old fashioned concept to invite lots of friends of the parents

[Creepymanonagoatfarm]

Why does she need her friends there when it will be full of family? Not like she is going to be sat in a room of strangers without her bff's is it?

[CaveMum]

Two choices:

1. Turn down the money and do it all your own way
2. Give her a list of the people invited from her side of the family and ask her which ones are being dropped in favour of her friends.

If 50 is the limit for the venue then 50 it is regardless. You could offer to add them as back up invitees if you get declines but from my own experience people want to go to a wedding, we had a 90% acceptance rate, so you may still find yourself in the same situation further down the line.

[mam0918]

Traditionally wedding ettiquette is whoever hosts decides the guest list, the host is the person paying.

Want to choose your own guest list then you are going to have to pay your own way.

[SuperCamp]

Are her 3 best friends family friends that have known you since you were little, given you birthday and Christmas presents etc?

Many of My friends are parents of Dc friends, I have known them since they were small. I would definitely want them to be at DC’s wedding, and to celebrate their kids’weddings.

[Tohaveandtohold]

I think this is one of the situations where you either give your mum the money back or if you can’t afford the wedding on your own, compromise by asking her to pay for the additional guests and suck it up.
Otherwise, just do the wedding you can afford and can control.

[mam0918]

@SunnyD44

Why would your mum invite HER friends?
Thats just weird!

Have you said erm no because that’s fucking weird!

Tell her if she doesn’t want to pay for the wedding then fine but there’s no way she’s inviting her friends.

Because until fairly recently in history thats how it was and still is in many cultures... wedding where hosted by the parents to show off their children, family and wealth.

[Brigante9]

Some people need to read the OP properly. The venue has a 50 guest limit, so OP would have to change her venue. How is that fair?

[Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver]

@SunnyD44

I think it’s fairly traditional back in the day when it was more common for the bride’s parents to pay for the wedding. My mum was horrified when she thought her friends couldn’t come to my wedding and very embarrassed because she had been to their kids weddings.

I’ve honestly never heard of this.

It was definitely a thing, up until at least the Eighties, I would guess, when the parents of the bride would cover the whole cost of the wedding and in return, the bride and groom would only be able to invite a select few of their friends, because masses of hitherto unknown relations would be included on both sides, as well as both sets of parents' friends. Things have changed massively in the last few decades as second marriages (or, contrarywise, no marriage) have become more the norm.

[pinkstripeycat]

My MIL did this. I said yes to 2 of her closest friends who I knew and yes to someone she called aunty Jan. DH said “Aunty who? Never heard of her!” I met Jan (who wasn’t an Aunty) at our wedding and never saw her again in the 24 yrs we’ve been married. Thankfully I told MIL no to all the other randoms she wanted to invite who’s childrens’ weddings she’d been invited to. She was in a mood. Wasn’t her wedding.

[MarsupiIami]

I think having aunties you aren't actually related to is normal for a lot of people @pinkstripeycat. I've got them & also am one 😂

[Gymnopedie]

I'm going to go against the grain here, and ask why is 50 the absolute limit? Would it really be so awful to add six more places so your mum can bring her close friends and partners?

To this and other PPs - it's not six more, it's at least 14. When the B&G only wanted 47 in total, so nearly a third more.

From the OP: She wants to invite her three best friends and their partners, as well as at least four other friends and their husbands too.

[Milly2022]

Give her the money back. Don't change your guest list to suit anyone else. This is your day, no one else's.

[bouncydog]

Your mother is being totally unreasonable. DD has recently got married. We told them how much we would give them towards the cost and there was no expectation of our friends being invited. In fact there were only 7 people from our side due to fact wedding was away and so the majority were their friends plus a few of his very close relatives. Did we have any issue with it? Of course not it was our DD and her DH's day not ours. Be very firm with her, refuse the strings attached offer and if she starts saying she won't come then tell her that would be a shame because you want her there but ultimately it's her choice. Im sure she will come round and be involved in other ways e.g. helping you choose your dress and maybe being included in the venue selection perhaps. Make sure you and your fiance send out the invites as well so you know exactly what is happening!

[Diva66]

Give her the money back and don’t invite her.