Very limited guest list for wedding and mum wants to invite all her friends

[bells2810]

My fiancé and I are planning on getting married in a small venue with 50 guests at an absolute maximum. With our immediate families and then grandparents, aunts and uncles, as well as my fiancé’s best man, and two bridesmaids for me, this comes to 47 which we were happy with.

My parents have very kindly offered to help us to pay for the wedding. My mum is now saying that she wants to invite her friends to our wedding. We aren’t having a separate day/night do with extra guests arriving later etc, our only friends who are coming are in our bridal party because we wanted to keep it small and intimate. When I said this to my mum, she said I was being ungrateful and said I should remember that she is helping to pay for it.

My fiancé and I aren’t even inviting all the friends we would have invited in an ideal world because we want to keep numbers and costs down, and we had also wanted to keep it intimate. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and she keeps bringing up the money. She wants to invite her three best friends and their partners, as well as at least four other friends and their husbands too. This would take us over the 50 guest list limit and the only way we’d be able to accommodate it is if my fiancé and I cut down our list of family or don’t have anyone in our bridal party!!

I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to upset my mum and she is helping us financially but I can’t help thinking she has had her wedding, my fiancé and I don’t want to invite loads of people who aren’t our own close friends. I don’t know how to broach this with my mum without her getting defensive, angry or upset with us. Does anyone have any tips or had a similar experience?

[Brideandpredjudice]

You wouldn't lose your deposit for changing the date. What do you think covid brides were doing?

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

@waltzingparrot

This may have already been suggested.

Could your mum throw a garden party for all her friends at a later date and you wear your wedding dress again.

I think this is a great idea. Your mum can have all the frills etc at her own party, you can both wear your wedding outfits and celebrate all over again and she can invite whoever she wants to... you could have it as a post honeymoon party and show the pictures etc. People won't mind not coming to the actual wedding if they understand it was family only.

[dressupinyou]

I do think some parent and grandparent expectations of weddings are different to now.

In our large family, weddings were mostly church then a big hired hall or function room.
Cheap and cheerful, family did the buffet, cousin did the disco etc

They were fun and all that but it honestly is my idea of hell. Inviting a load of people I'm not that keen on who I see once a year because it's expected.

My own parents tried to get their mates invited to our wedding and I was able to tell them no because we were paying.

It's really unfair that your mum is putting pressure on a small wedding with a limited guest list. It might be different if it was a free for all.

I hope the chat goes well.

[dressupinyou]

@waltzingparrot

This may have already been suggested.

Could your mum throw a garden party for all her friends at a later date and you wear your wedding dress again.

Good idea, minus the dress. I'd be mortified knocking around my mum's garden in my wedding dress for her mates. 😂

[ChrisConary]

Return the money to your mom, and suggest a second reception when you come back from your honeymoon, something less formal and expensive, so you can both invite the friends you would like to include.

[niugboo]

This is what happens when you allow others to pay.

[PeachyPeachTrees]

My wedding was 70 guests and my parents paid a big chunk. They invited about 10 of their best friends. Worked well for us. If I only had 50 then it sounds like they could have a few very close friends but not as many as they like. There will be quite a few invited that won't be able to come which means there is space. My Mum was nothing but smiles on my wedding day, she's passed now and these are special memories.

[RealityTV]

@bells2810, you KNOW what to do; you just don't want to do it! You CANNOT be a beggar and king at the same time! If you accept your mother's money, she gets to control you. If you reject it, you have to have a wedding you can afford. This is a big girl decision and YOU ALREADY KNOW what you need to do! If you can't afford the wedding you want, THEN WAIT! Don't let ANYONE decide what should happen for YOUR DAY! If you only want 50 people, then ONLY 50 people should be there! You aren't a child and your mother controlling you is a dynamic I'm willing to bet has played out repeatedly in your life. It's time to cut the cord! If you can't afford the wedding you want, elope or wait. You KNOW that's what you need to do; even if that's not what you want to do! Stop letting people use manipulation to control you! Once you let go and move forward, you're going to feel so much better! You can do this!

[ChorltonCreamery]

As a compromise could she invite just her 3 best friends without partners?

[ChorltonCreamery]

As a compromise could she invite just her 3 best friends without partners?

[ProfessionalWeirdo]

@neverbeenskiing

Tell her that you're grateful, but you didn't realise when you accepted her offer that it came with strings attached and you'd rather pay for your own wedding than have a wedding you're not going to enjoy.

This

[cherish123]

Say no and give the money back.

[oosha]

I think it’s absolutely horrible to offer your child money to support their wedding and attach selfish provisos to it. It’s your day and you do what makes you happy. Offer your mum the money back. She needs to rethink her behaviour.

[Tessabelle74]

Don't accept her money, have the wedding you want! She can have her own party with her friends

[MyDogStoodOnABee]

Elope

[Nicola101177]

Your mother is out of order. The money shouldn’t come with conditions. Has she always been so self-centred?

[Bleachmycloths]

How much is her contribution? 10% 20% Half? The smaller her contribution, the easier it is to return. I agree with many posters who suggest returning the money but I appreciate that it could be very difficult for you.
Sorry, but your mum is being selfish, unrealistic and ridiculous and completely unreasonable. I have never been to a wedding chock full of the Mother of the Bride’s friends!

[AiryFairyLights]

@bells2810

Thank you for all your comments and suggestions - I’ve not been back as I’ve been on a long shift and then sleeping, not because I got an answer I didn’t want to hear!!

We have already paid the deposit for the venue so upgrading to a bigger venue/guest list isn’t an option. 50 is our absolute limit because as I said, we wanted small and intimate, we have plenty of our own friends who could have been invited if we were going for a huge party, but that’s not what we want.

My fiancé and I have considered thanking my parents for the offer of contribution but saying we will pay for it ourselves. We would be happy to do this, I think my mum would be mortified if we suggested it though. We had planned on getting married next year, if we pay for the whole thing ourselves we will probably have to move it to the year after to have a chance to save up a bit extra which would mean losing the deposit, which isn’t the end of the world.

A few posters have suggested sitting down and going through the guest list with my mum and showing her that to invite her friends, we would have to essentially not invite some of our close family members, or lose bridesmaids/the best man. I think this is the option we are going to go with and just see what happens.

My mum is a genuinely lovely person and I love her to bits, and I know she just wants to be involved because she is happy and excited for us. She tried a similar thing for my older brother’s wedding, but as they got married during covid they literally could only have 30 guests and my sister in law has a large immediate family. I think she just wants to celebrate and have everyone there because that’s what her and my dad’s wedding was like, whereas a big party wedding just isn’t our style!

Thank you again for all of your suggestions.

What about suggesting a second smaller do the next day or a week/2weeks later specifically for those who were unable to attend due to numbers? You could give this over to your mum to organise so she gets to do something of her own?

[Mandyjack]

You're just going to have to explain to her that whilst your grateful for her contribution there are people you've not invited yourself and want to keep numbers down.
The other option is she invites them for the evening only and pays the extra costs involved. She's being selfish it's your wedding not hers.

[AhNowTed]

I was at a wedding in July.

We're the parents friends rather than the couple.

Didn't expect an invite at all.

I honestly thought this was no longer a thing but it seems to be alive and well with some Irish weddings.

Honestly if we weren't invited I wouldn't have been at all put out.

OP if you can, fund your own wedding and invite who YOU want.

[Erictheavocado]

@MiddleAgedTraveller

I have never been to a wedding where the bride and groom paid
I have never been to a wedding that didn't have a completely free bar/drinks

Different social groups have different conventions.
Both are normal and I wouldn't say outdated or weird- just because it isnt what you would do.

I am also surprised at the number of parents who still pay for their dc's weddings. Dh and I married 40 years ago and we paid for the entire thing. We also had a free bar and invited partners and children of friends and family. It wasn't a huge wedding, we had to cut our cloth, so-to-speak, but we had a wonderful day, it was the day we wanted it to be and our guests also enjoyed it. A couple of our (now ancient) relatives still reminisce about it whenever we see them!
One of our dc's is getting married this year and we offered them a cash gift. They said no thanks, but asked us to help with a few practical things, which we are more than happy to do. We will still give them the cash, but they can use it towards their honeymoon or whatever they want.
OP, return the money, pay your own costs and take back control.

[LovePoppy]

The idea of having a separate party when they want a small wedding is wild to me.

If they wanted a large party....surely theyd just have a large wedding?

[NoPaintedPony]

Ur numbers come to 47, ur mum has 3 friends.
If she wants the other &/or partners then which of her relatives are being binned?

U said that she wants to have people there to celebrate as that’s what her wedding was like. But that’s exactly right - that was her wedding and this is not.

[Stopcomplainingandsortit]

Your Mum has an enviably large circle of friends!! Can she maybe invite 2 pals and no husbands? It's a bit cheeky to insist on 14 extra bodies!!