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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Very limited guest list for wedding and mum wants to invite all her friends

308 replies

bells2810 · 30/08/2022 13:45

My fiancé and I are planning on getting married in a small venue with 50 guests at an absolute maximum. With our immediate families and then grandparents, aunts and uncles, as well as my fiancé’s best man, and two bridesmaids for me, this comes to 47 which we were happy with.

My parents have very kindly offered to help us to pay for the wedding. My mum is now saying that she wants to invite her friends to our wedding. We aren’t having a separate day/night do with extra guests arriving later etc, our only friends who are coming are in our bridal party because we wanted to keep it small and intimate. When I said this to my mum, she said I was being ungrateful and said I should remember that she is helping to pay for it.

My fiancé and I aren’t even inviting all the friends we would have invited in an ideal world because we want to keep numbers and costs down, and we had also wanted to keep it intimate. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and she keeps bringing up the money. She wants to invite her three best friends and their partners, as well as at least four other friends and their husbands too. This would take us over the 50 guest list limit and the only way we’d be able to accommodate it is if my fiancé and I cut down our list of family or don’t have anyone in our bridal party!!

I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to upset my mum and she is helping us financially but I can’t help thinking she has had her wedding, my fiancé and I don’t want to invite loads of people who aren’t our own close friends. I don’t know how to broach this with my mum without her getting defensive, angry or upset with us. Does anyone have any tips or had a similar experience?

OP posts:
THEDEACON · 01/09/2022 13:47

That's M of B for you ! We paid for our wedding ourselves and my Mother still thought she should have input Return the money and have YOUR wedding YOUR way

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 01/09/2022 13:55

My first wedding - our parents split the cost and we ended up with exDH's neighbours and exMIL's friends and their dch, none of whom I'd ever met, when ex-MIL insisted that only two of my friends could come. Second wedding - we paid for it all ourselves and only invited people we liked/wanted. It was great. I recommend you learn from my experience!

dianthus101 · 01/09/2022 14:18

It's interesting how many parents seem to have the attitude that the wedding is their party rather than the bride and groom’s. My own parents were the same and I think it comes from a time when people got married at a younger age. It's easy to say that people shouldn't accept the money but it shouldn't be offered without making expectations clear in the first place. I don't see why it would be assumed that a contribution to the wedding means you can invite random people that the bride and groom sometimes don't even know. I had quite a big argument with my mother about it and did say that I would pay for it entirely myself but also change the venue and wouldn't include any of her friends (rather than just exclude ones I didn't know). She mostly backed down but still invited a couple of people I didn't know which annoys me a bit to this day.

babyjellyfish · 01/09/2022 14:27

My parents gave us money towards our wedding. They wanted to invite five of their own friends, which I was fine with. We had 120 guests in total so it wasn't at all excessive, and their friends were people I know well and like. I actually added another couple of my parents' friends to the guest list because I wanted to, and because I knew my parents would like to invite them but didn't want to be unreasonable about how many of their friends were there.

My father in law wanted to invite about 40 of his friends. He was willing to pay for them all and our venue could have held up to 200 people so there was effectively no limit on numbers. My husband told him no. He said it was our wedding and we didn't want it to be disproportionately full of people we didn't really know. In the end we let my in laws invite about the same number of friends my parents invited, and they invited different friends to their other children's weddings.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 01/09/2022 14:56

My mil was being so awkward about our wedding plans we uninvited her! And no money being handed over was even involved!

SuperCamp · 01/09/2022 15:36

Only one or two generations ago, wedding invitations came from the bride’s parents.
” Mr+Mrs BridesParents invite you to the wedding if their Dd to MrGroom”

It is a huge milestone for most parents, to see their adult children launching their own new family. They want their own friends, with whom they have been through parenting thick and thin, there to celebrate. I think it’s nice: the parents generation celebrating the establishment of the next.

Obviously the invitation etiquette, and the footing the bill that went with it has changed and modernised, but it will be a shame if weddings lose their cross generational family value and become wholly InstaZilla.

dianthus101 · 01/09/2022 15:47

SuperCamp · 01/09/2022 15:36

Only one or two generations ago, wedding invitations came from the bride’s parents.
” Mr+Mrs BridesParents invite you to the wedding if their Dd to MrGroom”

It is a huge milestone for most parents, to see their adult children launching their own new family. They want their own friends, with whom they have been through parenting thick and thin, there to celebrate. I think it’s nice: the parents generation celebrating the establishment of the next.

Obviously the invitation etiquette, and the footing the bill that went with it has changed and modernised, but it will be a shame if weddings lose their cross generational family value and become wholly InstaZilla.

It isn't a huge milestone nowadays as the adult children are usually in the 30s.

faffadoodledo · 01/09/2022 15:49

I'm 56 @SuperCamp and that was my wedding invitation. Kinda summed up the day really!
All the young folk I know who marry send invitations themselves even if their parents pay!!

antelopevalley · 01/09/2022 15:54

dianthus101 · 01/09/2022 15:47

It isn't a huge milestone nowadays as the adult children are usually in the 30s.

Show quote history

That is the difference. Couples did not use to live together before getting married and rarely had children before marriage. For many couples they moved in together after marriage, so it was a huge milestone.

Now couples have usually lived together, often for some years and often have children together. It is no longer such a huge milestone.

SuperCamp · 01/09/2022 16:37

So parents of adult kids aren’t expected to care? I bet any parent sees their adult children’s wedding as a big moment.

Augustmummy · 01/09/2022 17:26

I wouldn't see much harm in her three best friends and partners coming - 6 additional people seems resonable. 14 however is not. Say that she can choose 6 or a number you are happy with. Don't make problems where there are none - but put your foot down with your mum.

dianthus101 · 01/09/2022 18:13

SuperCamp · 01/09/2022 16:37

So parents of adult kids aren’t expected to care? I bet any parent sees their adult children’s wedding as a big moment.

It is a big moment but not a huge milestone for the parent.

LuftBalloons · 01/09/2022 20:02

If your mother is intransigent the best thing you can do is to gently refuse her offer of financial help. Pay for it all yourself.

JaninaDuszejko · 01/09/2022 20:20

Of course it's a milestone for the parents. And I think you are all under estimating how recent this change is. I got married 20 years ago, my friends were all around 30 when they got married and we all had big weddings paid for by our parents with lots of our parent's friends there and with lots of our friends too. This was true for both my school friends in rural Scotland and my English upper middle class university friends.

I feel like we've lost so many of the multigeneration family celebrations that use to happen, as a child I was at weddings and christenings and wedding anniversary celebrations all the time and now we move around the country much more and we only really celebrate weddings and those are small but very expensive affairs for one generation only plus the parents of the bride and groom, but only if they behave the way the bridezilla wants. Why on earth should your parents give you any money for a glorified party for your mates? If you were paying for a party wouldn't you want a say in who was invited? Why don't you sit down together and work out who is important and who isn't to everyone who is paying. And if you want to just have your friends at this party then yes, you do have to pay for it all yourselves.

user1498158714 · 01/09/2022 20:39

I was in this situation and had an awful wedding that was not at all what
we wanted. Stick to your guns, give the money back and have the wedding you want! Good luck.

Canthave2manycats · 01/09/2022 21:49

JaninaDuszejko · 01/09/2022 20:20

Of course it's a milestone for the parents. And I think you are all under estimating how recent this change is. I got married 20 years ago, my friends were all around 30 when they got married and we all had big weddings paid for by our parents with lots of our parent's friends there and with lots of our friends too. This was true for both my school friends in rural Scotland and my English upper middle class university friends.

I feel like we've lost so many of the multigeneration family celebrations that use to happen, as a child I was at weddings and christenings and wedding anniversary celebrations all the time and now we move around the country much more and we only really celebrate weddings and those are small but very expensive affairs for one generation only plus the parents of the bride and groom, but only if they behave the way the bridezilla wants. Why on earth should your parents give you any money for a glorified party for your mates? If you were paying for a party wouldn't you want a say in who was invited? Why don't you sit down together and work out who is important and who isn't to everyone who is paying. And if you want to just have your friends at this party then yes, you do have to pay for it all yourselves.

Glad to see some commonsense! Your parents want nothing more for you than to be happy and getting married is the celebration of that. I think it's actually very selfish not to include a couple of their friends - not some 'randoms' and not 14 in this case - but people they are close to whom you know and who have watched you grow up.

A wedding isn't ALL about the couple - otherwise you'd just feck off and get married without anyone!

I was at a wedding which was attended by a large number of Oxbridge grads. They were loud, doing shots etc. and pretty much took over the place. I think the parents almost felt left out - and they were footing the bill!!

People have become so entitled, and it's not an attractive quality in anyone!

Canthave2manycats · 01/09/2022 21:55

perfectstorm · 01/09/2022 02:31

Her mother isn't asking for a couple of close friends. She's asking for 14, from a total of 50, when there are so many relatives on both sides that the only friends the bride and groom can ask as it is are her two bridesmaids and his best man. Who exactly is to be dropped, to facilitate this request?

Show quote history

That's why I suggested a couple... and maybe this should have been discussed before the venue was booked... or maybe don't invite Uncle Jim and Aunty Mary, who you never see?!

browneyes77 · 01/09/2022 22:44

SuperCamp · 01/09/2022 16:37

So parents of adult kids aren’t expected to care? I bet any parent sees their adult children’s wedding as a big moment.

My parents would absolutely see it as a milestone in my life.

They absolutely wouldn’t push me to invite their friends, even if they were paying for it.

Blantw · 02/09/2022 12:33

Tell her to keep the loan and apply for a cheap loan, or say we will have to have an evening party to accommodate all guests, and mum will have to pay the costs.

Battyfumworts · 02/09/2022 19:08

I’d give the money back, it’s really not worth it.

Got married this year. Just us and 2 witnesses due to cost, family issues, the desperate need to avoid any stress due to health issues and having a sibling who will do anything possible to steal the limelight. Am now getting all kinds of nastiness and accusations thrown at me. How dare I not invite people blah blah blah and said sibling making it all about them. My own family can’t even offer us their best wishes, our children almost lost a parent last year, and this is petty shit we have to put up with and nobody paid for our wedding

Tallulah28 · 02/09/2022 19:24

“Help” with conditions is not help.
If you can afford to do so I’d decline her offer of financial help and have your wedding on your terms.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/09/2022 19:29

PurpleWisteria · 30/08/2022 13:46

Give the money back to her and invite who you want.

This

She is BU, but it's the only way.

Purple52 · 02/09/2022 20:08

Tell her there’s 3 spaces (50-47) !

my parents invited people to my wedding that I hardly knew …: but they paid.

experience now tells me my dad wanted his aunts/uncles there because his parents were dead and their attendance him feel as if they were represented.

also being a parent you learn you want to celebrate your childrens achievements with your friends!!

you need a proper conversation with your mum and you need to understand each other perspectives

1HappyTraveller · 02/09/2022 21:48

Your wedding your choice.

If you allow your mum this element of control now then she will do it over and over again.

Your mother does not get to do this regardless of whether she pays or not. It’s selfish and controlling behaviour.

If she is gifting you the money then she needs to be aware it’s without caveats.

If she wants to invite guests then maybe she should renew her own vows.

Do not reduce your guests to accommodate her. YANBU she ITA.

1HappyTraveller · 02/09/2022 21:50

Also you don’t have to explain anything to her.

’No’ is a complete answer.