Very limited guest list for wedding and mum wants to invite all her friends

[bells2810]

My fiancé and I are planning on getting married in a small venue with 50 guests at an absolute maximum. With our immediate families and then grandparents, aunts and uncles, as well as my fiancé’s best man, and two bridesmaids for me, this comes to 47 which we were happy with.

My parents have very kindly offered to help us to pay for the wedding. My mum is now saying that she wants to invite her friends to our wedding. We aren’t having a separate day/night do with extra guests arriving later etc, our only friends who are coming are in our bridal party because we wanted to keep it small and intimate. When I said this to my mum, she said I was being ungrateful and said I should remember that she is helping to pay for it.

My fiancé and I aren’t even inviting all the friends we would have invited in an ideal world because we want to keep numbers and costs down, and we had also wanted to keep it intimate. I’ve tried to explain this to my mum and she keeps bringing up the money. She wants to invite her three best friends and their partners, as well as at least four other friends and their husbands too. This would take us over the 50 guest list limit and the only way we’d be able to accommodate it is if my fiancé and I cut down our list of family or don’t have anyone in our bridal party!!

I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to upset my mum and she is helping us financially but I can’t help thinking she has had her wedding, my fiancé and I don’t want to invite loads of people who aren’t our own close friends. I don’t know how to broach this with my mum without her getting defensive, angry or upset with us. Does anyone have any tips or had a similar experience?

[1HappyTraveller]

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps

Have to say also, I am quite shocked to see quite a few people still pay for their adult childrens wedding. This seems very outdated and weird these days. Surely people who are old enough to get married, are old enough to fund the wedding themselves?

I mean maybe the parents may buy the bride's dress, or pay for the flowers etc, but the whole wedding being paid for by the bride's parents is extremely odd these days IMO. I do find it a bit cringe that working adults (often with their own home) let their parents pay for their wedding. Do people actually really do this still?

What a strange comment to make.

Being old enough to get married doesn’t mean that people are in the financial position to pay.
Are you aware about the increasing cost of weddings (even small simple ones) and the cost of houses and living in general? People could save for years and may not be able to afford it. Whilst others manage fine.

Many parents like to help out where they can. Because it’s a nice thing to do if you can afford it. Whilst some may pay for a few bits, some can afford more.

Your comment sounds bitter.

[dianthus101]

People keep saying that OP should pay for it herself if she wants doesn't want extra guests but the point is the mother didn't say in advance that the contribution came with conditions. That means OP may have booked somewhere she otherwise wouldn't have booked for example. That is why the mother is unreasonable.

[piesforever]

My parents invited lots of their friends but I agreed because they paid for most of it, our choice. So pay for it yourself if you want a different kind of do.

[dianthus101]

@JaninaDuszejko

Of course it's a milestone for the parents. And I think you are all under estimating how recent this change is. I got married 20 years ago, my friends were all around 30 when they got married and we all had big weddings paid for by our parents with lots of our parent's friends there and with lots of our friends too. This was true for both my school friends in rural Scotland and my English upper middle class university friends.

I feel like we've lost so many of the multigeneration family celebrations that use to happen, as a child I was at weddings and christenings and wedding anniversary celebrations all the time and now we move around the country much more and we only really celebrate weddings and those are small but very expensive affairs for one generation only plus the parents of the bride and groom, but only if they behave the way the bridezilla wants. Why on earth should your parents give you any money for a glorified party for your mates? If you were paying for a party wouldn't you want a say in who was invited? Why don't you sit down together and work out who is important and who isn't to everyone who is paying. And if you want to just have your friends at this party then yes, you do have to pay for it all yourselves.

I got married longer ago than that and still thought it outrageous that my parents thought it was basically their party and that friends of theirs I didn't know should be invited. It wasn't actually anything to do with numbers. I just found it quite infantilising and I wouldn't have accepted the money if I had known in advance. If people want to give money with conditions they should make that clear from the start.

[1HappyTraveller]

@Canthave2manycats

That's why I suggested a couple... and maybe this should have been discussed before the venue was booked... or maybe don't invite Uncle Jim and Aunty Mary, who you never see?!

Or maybe don’t invite the parents’ friends
who she probably never sees…?

There isn’t space. Her mother is being selfish.

[American6pie]

Give her back the money 💰 and stick to the original list.... If she still insists then tell her that she needs to pay more.

[Cakeorchocolate]

Your (and your dps) wedding, your (and your dps) choice.

Don't not invite your intended guests to make space for your mums would be guests. It won't be the day you want and you would likely regret compromising that way.
It's a day to celebrate your relationship, not your mums and her friends.

I wouldn't go through the guest list with her. I would just tell her there is space for her to invite a maximum of 3 people (if I've read your numbers right). Or however many is accurate.

And that if she would prefer not to help pay for it since you don't have space for more of her friends then you understand.

(DH and I had a similar wedding with barely 40 guests I think. We invited 1 pair of friends of each of our parents but mainly because we also knew them to socialise with through our parents.)

[Lb482]

@bells2810 agree best thing is to go through list and show her who wouldn’t come if her friends came.
another idea is if she wants a big party with her friends is for her to host a “post wedding” party (lunch, bbq maybe?) the next day. I have seen that done before with lots of family friends there

[1HappyTraveller]

Also you don’t have to explain anything to her.

’No’ is a complete answer.

[1HappyTraveller]

Your wedding your choice.

If you allow your mum this element of control now then she will do it over and over again.

Your mother does not get to do this regardless of whether she pays or not. It’s selfish and controlling behaviour.

If she is gifting you the money then she needs to be aware it’s without caveats.

If she wants to invite guests then maybe she should renew her own vows.

Do not reduce your guests to accommodate her. YANBU she ITA.

[Purple52]

Tell her there’s 3 spaces (50-47) !

my parents invited people to my wedding that I hardly knew …: but they paid.

experience now tells me my dad wanted his aunts/uncles there because his parents were dead and their attendance him feel as if they were represented.

also being a parent you learn you want to celebrate your childrens achievements with your friends!!

you need a proper conversation with your mum and you need to understand each other perspectives

[Luredbyapomegranate]

@PurpleWisteria

Give the money back to her and invite who you want.

This

She is BU, but it's the only way.

[Tallulah28]

“Help” with conditions is not help.
If you can afford to do so I’d decline her offer of financial help and have your wedding on your terms.

[Battyfumworts]

I’d give the money back, it’s really not worth it.

Got married this year. Just us and 2 witnesses due to cost, family issues, the desperate need to avoid any stress due to health issues and having a sibling who will do anything possible to steal the limelight. Am now getting all kinds of nastiness and accusations thrown at me. How dare I not invite people blah blah blah and said sibling making it all about them. My own family can’t even offer us their best wishes, our children almost lost a parent last year, and this is petty shit we have to put up with and nobody paid for our wedding

[Blantw]

Tell her to keep the loan and apply for a cheap loan, or say we will have to have an evening party to accommodate all guests, and mum will have to pay the costs.

[browneyes77]

@SuperCamp

So parents of adult kids aren’t expected to care? I bet any parent sees their adult children’s wedding as a big moment.

My parents would absolutely see it as a milestone in my life.

They absolutely wouldn’t push me to invite their friends, even if they were paying for it.

[Canthave2manycats]

@perfectstorm

Her mother isn't asking for a couple of close friends. She's asking for 14, from a total of 50, when there are so many relatives on both sides that the only friends the bride and groom can ask as it is are her two bridesmaids and his best man. Who exactly is to be dropped, to facilitate this request?

That's why I suggested a couple... and maybe this should have been discussed before the venue was booked... or maybe don't invite Uncle Jim and Aunty Mary, who you never see?!

[Canthave2manycats]

@JaninaDuszejko

Of course it's a milestone for the parents. And I think you are all under estimating how recent this change is. I got married 20 years ago, my friends were all around 30 when they got married and we all had big weddings paid for by our parents with lots of our parent's friends there and with lots of our friends too. This was true for both my school friends in rural Scotland and my English upper middle class university friends.

I feel like we've lost so many of the multigeneration family celebrations that use to happen, as a child I was at weddings and christenings and wedding anniversary celebrations all the time and now we move around the country much more and we only really celebrate weddings and those are small but very expensive affairs for one generation only plus the parents of the bride and groom, but only if they behave the way the bridezilla wants. Why on earth should your parents give you any money for a glorified party for your mates? If you were paying for a party wouldn't you want a say in who was invited? Why don't you sit down together and work out who is important and who isn't to everyone who is paying. And if you want to just have your friends at this party then yes, you do have to pay for it all yourselves.

Glad to see some commonsense! Your parents want nothing more for you than to be happy and getting married is the celebration of that. I think it's actually very selfish not to include a couple of their friends - not some 'randoms' and not 14 in this case - but people they are close to whom you know and who have watched you grow up.

A wedding isn't ALL about the couple - otherwise you'd just feck off and get married without anyone!

I was at a wedding which was attended by a large number of Oxbridge grads. They were loud, doing shots etc. and pretty much took over the place. I think the parents almost felt left out - and they were footing the bill!!

People have become so entitled, and it's not an attractive quality in anyone!

[user1498158714]

I was in this situation and had an awful wedding that was not at all what
we wanted. Stick to your guns, give the money back and have the wedding you want! Good luck.

[JaninaDuszejko]

Of course it's a milestone for the parents. And I think you are all under estimating how recent this change is. I got married 20 years ago, my friends were all around 30 when they got married and we all had big weddings paid for by our parents with lots of our parent's friends there and with lots of our friends too. This was true for both my school friends in rural Scotland and my English upper middle class university friends.

I feel like we've lost so many of the multigeneration family celebrations that use to happen, as a child I was at weddings and christenings and wedding anniversary celebrations all the time and now we move around the country much more and we only really celebrate weddings and those are small but very expensive affairs for one generation only plus the parents of the bride and groom, but only if they behave the way the bridezilla wants. Why on earth should your parents give you any money for a glorified party for your mates? If you were paying for a party wouldn't you want a say in who was invited? Why don't you sit down together and work out who is important and who isn't to everyone who is paying. And if you want to just have your friends at this party then yes, you do have to pay for it all yourselves.

[LuftBalloons]

If your mother is intransigent the best thing you can do is to gently refuse her offer of financial help. Pay for it all yourself.

[dianthus101]

@SuperCamp

So parents of adult kids aren’t expected to care? I bet any parent sees their adult children’s wedding as a big moment.

It is a big moment but not a huge milestone for the parent.

[Augustmummy]

I wouldn't see much harm in her three best friends and partners coming - 6 additional people seems resonable. 14 however is not. Say that she can choose 6 or a number you are happy with. Don't make problems where there are none - but put your foot down with your mum.

[SuperCamp]

So parents of adult kids aren’t expected to care? I bet any parent sees their adult children’s wedding as a big moment.

[antelopevalley]

@dianthus101

It isn't a huge milestone nowadays as the adult children are usually in the 30s.

That is the difference. Couples did not use to live together before getting married and rarely had children before marriage. For many couples they moved in together after marriage, so it was a huge milestone.

Now couples have usually lived together, often for some years and often have children together. It is no longer such a huge milestone.