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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Our cost of living crisis. The only solution is to move and uproot the children (teens) but AIBU - WWYD?

242 replies

Powerdough · 30/08/2022 12:02

So we are in real trouble. Redundancy (Covid related). Business bankruptcy. Disability, caring responsibilities, we are self employed now, but not bringing in enough for a mortgage that was taken when we had what we thought secure business and jobs. Now it is totally unaffordable and with the insane cost of living we are going to start defaulting in a few months. We can't keep up with bills as it is. We definitely can't find an extra £700 a month for energy bills. I am anxious and I feel like this is a slow moving car crash.
We have the option to sell our house and move to a rent free property that belongs to a family member. The only problem is that it is at the other end of the country literally in the middle of nowhere (think the most remotest part of the British Isles). I would love it, DP and I can work from home. We could financially ride out this shit storm. But for our teens it would be awful. One is in the middle of his A-Level course and expected to get top grades. One is passionate about a hobby (sport) and trains competitively, wants to make it into a career, there are no facilities or opportunities where we would be moving. They would leave behind their friends.
On one hand, economic realities dictate that sometimes you have to do hard things. But I dread what it would mean for the kids. How should I talk to them? I don't want to make them anxious but I also think we need to be realistic and live according to our means even if it means moving. WWYD

OP posts:
mamabear715 · 30/08/2022 15:21

@Powerdough Sell as fast as you can - get help from CAB - are you due any benefits or are those included in your workings-out?
Can the sport people help / suggest anything? Ignore anyone who says rent your house, I got that suggested too, when I was in a similar position, like a house is guaranteed to be fully let 52 weeks of the year & you won't have to do any repairs..
I'm so sorry for you, but things worked out well for us, I wish the same for you.

DSGR · 30/08/2022 15:23

You can’t do that move to your teens, it would ruin them. Exhaust other options

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 30/08/2022 15:29

Can you rent out a spare room? Even if it means giving up your living room? As you used to be able to earn a certain amount of rental income tax free, as a resident landlord I think.

Northbynorthbreast · 30/08/2022 15:30

Could your kids stay with a local friend? I had to move out at 17 for similar radians it didn’t kill me and I still got excellent grades… is there a family member or local really good mate who you could pay bed and board for them with?

WTHamIreading · 30/08/2022 15:31

newbiename · 30/08/2022 14:53

If you're self employed and not earning much can't one or both of you get jobs ? Sounds like you can't afford to be self employed now.

This is what I’m wondering.

DH’s life change forever by his DF moving them miles away from friends & family & that was age 15. His education suffered because being uprooted and put in a new school was hard enough, doing it just before GCSE studies really got important was disastrous.

GelatoQueen · 30/08/2022 15:33

OP you need to sell and put your energy into finding a rental property nearby for at least 12 months to enable your DS to do A levels / decide on next steps. The younger one's situation is harder to resolve - what sport is it and is there really a future in it for him? But you need to involve your sons in the decision making - don't impose this on them. Give them options

mellicauli · 30/08/2022 15:33

Could one of you find alternative employment? Go to a city and get a well paying contract come home for long weekends at least until Teen 1 has finished A Level. Self employment is too up and down for both of you to do it, I also think it's fairer you take the hit rather than the kids as you'll weather the storm better.

£700 extra sounds very very for the energy. Do you use heating oil? After the October cap a high usage household can expect to be paying £415 a month according to British Gas

mellicauli · 30/08/2022 15:35

Also could the older teen get a part time job to be a bit more self sufficient . I am sure he would rather do that than move?

Cakeandcardio · 30/08/2022 15:36

Could you switch your mortgage to interest only? It's not ideal, I realise but similar to paying rent. Then maybe downsize when you are in a better position to get a mortgage again? I don't know if this is an option but the move sounds terrible for your children and could snuff out their careers before they've got started. Good luck whatever you decide.

ClottedCreamAndStrawberries · 30/08/2022 15:37

Consider taking in a lodger. You can charge them £625 a month without having to pay tax £7500 a year)

Ask the older one to get a part time job and say they need to pay you £25 a week. (£1300 a year)

Cancel all unused subscriptions

If you have one, rent out your driveway.

Go interest free on the mortgage for a bit

Go down to one car (assuming you have two)

mellicauli · 30/08/2022 15:38

BTW - I felt a bit like you, probably about 5 years ago. We just kept putting off selling the house, just kept buggering on. Somehow it worked, we adapted to less income. We found ways to make more money and we're still here in spite of everything. Hope it is the same for you.

Original poster
Powerdough · 30/08/2022 15:39

ok trying to keep up! Thank you all for taking the time to suggest solutions. We have done the mortgage, currently on payment holiday already because of redundancy which is coming to an end. Mortgage lender not agreeing to interest only nor letting the house. So staying here is not an option. Doubt we could even be able to rent here because of our credit rating and the competition for rentals - no CCJs but still cleaning up the mess of business bankruptcy. We had personally guaranteed company debt which fell on us when Covid killed our business (we were in travel). Perfect storm. So whilst I appreciate all the cost saving suggestions, and taking in lodgers, and getting paid employment instead of being self employed, this has all been costed and it's not enough, sadly. Kids already have jobs, I run a tight ship.
(also yes we would be moving from Cornwall to northern Scotland. Not the islands but north. Nearest city 2hrs away)
Not enough equity to buy anything bigger than a 1 bed flat. We are 5, DPs 2DC with us half the time plus a dog. My OP was really a parenting dilemma - knowing that the prevailing philosophy is 'I would DIIIIEEEE for my kids' and we are resourceful and yes we could live in a tent in a field for three years whilst youngest DS finishes secondary school, and find options, but if there is an option to have no money worries but live in a location which they hate, what would you do? Is there a point where you accept that this is about balancing the needs of ALL family members? Given that I seriously believe that we are about to walk into an economic catastrophe seeing as the government is asleep at the wheel and that things are going to get much worse for everyone.
I think we are going to put the house on the market at least and then we have options if/when it sells. Breathing space at least.

OP posts:
PeloAddict · 30/08/2022 15:47

If you have to move, you have to move
I grew up doing that, went to 2 nurseries, 3 primary schools, 2 secondary schools, 2 colleges and 1 uni. We used to get a couple of weeks notice of moving (and from Cornwall to Lancashire so not close by!)
Yes it's hard, but it's doable

antelopevalley · 30/08/2022 15:48

PeloAddict · 30/08/2022 15:47

If you have to move, you have to move
I grew up doing that, went to 2 nurseries, 3 primary schools, 2 secondary schools, 2 colleges and 1 uni. We used to get a couple of weeks notice of moving (and from Cornwall to Lancashire so not close by!)
Yes it's hard, but it's doable

I am sorry you had to live like that.
I will do everything possible to make sure my kids have better.

Katyaadlerscoat · 30/08/2022 15:49

Taking into account all you have said in your update, you CANNOT move your A-Level student to Scotland in the middle of their A-Levels.

GlueyMooey · 30/08/2022 15:50

Really tricky situation. I think all moving except for ALevel kid sounds most workable. If your sporty kid is good at a sport then he's likely going to be good at other sports.

Original poster
Powerdough · 30/08/2022 15:51

@Katyaadlerscoat I agree. So he would be lodging with a friend or I would stay with him in temporary digs. That is doable. It's my youngest that I am worried about.

OP posts:
soodonym · 30/08/2022 15:52

I recognise you OP xx Have changed my name for this message to ensure your area remains anonymous. We caught up very recently & touched on some of this. Can you rent out your house & rent towards my area (small town in your council area near me is cheaper than where you are). Would allow time for A levels & college to start & loads of opportunities for the sport. Is commutable to current schools. Actually the sporty one could consider switching to the school there at some stage. My middle one went there for yrs 12 & 13 as it is so good for the particular sport. He knew lots of people when he started because he had met lots of them through the sport.

Also would employed working be possible for either of you? My place would snap either of you up although pay is not great. It is flexible though. Would be doable from closer town (& in fact they have work available in that town as well). Alternatively is setting up a business similar to your original one a possibility? The original original one I mean, not the recent one.

CakeCrumbs44 · 30/08/2022 15:56

If your DPs kids are with you half the time, how will that work when you move 500 miles away?

chocolateoranges33 · 30/08/2022 15:56

I wouldn't move areas at all because of the negative affect on my DC. Now you've just given more details on where you'll move to - north Scotland 2 hours away from nearest city - it is still a definite no.

Have you approached your council about your possible homelessness due to bankruptcy and not being able to pay your mortgage? Have you spoken to Stepchange or any of the other free debt companies about what options yiu have?

I would prioritise doing these 2 things before even thinking about moving. And if yiu have to sell up & move, stay as local as you can - rural life doesn't suit everyone.

Good luck

Chersfrozenface · 30/08/2022 15:57

One point from your update, OP. Where do your DP's 2 DC live? Would they be able to see your DP regularly? I presume they would no longer be able to be with you half the time. And what does the other parent think of this?

soodonym · 30/08/2022 16:00

Ah just read your latest about the difficulties of renting etc. Bugger.

ReneBumsWombats · 30/08/2022 16:01

if there is an option to have no money worries but live in a location which they hate, what would you do?

There's moving to a location the kids hate and then there's moving to the other end of the country in absolute bumfuck nowhere, remotest part of the British Isles, while one is about to take A levels and the other has a real chance at an athletic career they love.

I've read all your posts so I appreciate new jobs and lodgers won't cut it, but this would truly mess up your kids' real life prospects. It's not just taking them away from any social life, not that I think that should be underestimated either. If there is any way they can stay behind, living with friends or family, I'd do that. A move like this could ruin them.

If you didn't have access to rent-free accommodation, as most people don't, you'd have to do something else.

category12 · 30/08/2022 16:02

If your DP has 2 dc from a previous relationship, surely going off to Scotland must be a non-starter. How is he going to maintain contact?

Mulhollandmagoo · 30/08/2022 16:04

Have you tried getting a mortgage? I'm assuming you have equity in your home you will have enough for a deposit? If you pass an affordability check you may be able to get one, you may initially be on a rubbish rate, but that will correct itself in time, even if you downsized or moved slightly out of the area, or no that something that maybe needed a little bit of work so will have a lower purchase price?

Are you in a position to remortgage with a different lender on interest only maybe? Or are you still in a fixed deal? It could be worth you contacting the mortgage advice bureau as they will offer an initial consultation for free so you can see if you have options?

In your position I would maybe start exploring my options but there will be a new PM in a week's time and may announce some financial support surrounding energy bills, so you might be ok.

I'm so sorry you're in this position OP 💐