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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this dog isn't our/DHs responsibility?

193 replies

Dogg0 · 29/08/2022 18:35

DHs ex has a dog from when they were together. They purchased him as a puppy when they were together not long before they separated. He's about 8 now I think. Me and DH been together 6 years, married for two. We have a one year old baby together.

DH and his ex were never married but she wanted to keep the dog when they separated. DH was upset about it but agreed and she's had the dog since, he'd been with them around a year-ish before they separated. He's not really seen other than at the odd pick up for their DC, this dog since, never contributed toward it or anything like that.

Ex needs to get a new rental as her landlord is selling. She's struggling to find a rental that will take this dog and is insisting DH needs to take him as he's 'both their responsibility'.

We are not in the position for a dog. We own our house so not an issue with a landlord or anything but we have a baby, he works all day, I work part time (very part time, only 1 day a week) but I have no desire to be looking after a dog as well as a baby.

AIBU in thinking a dog is the responsibility of whoever kept it after the separation and you can't just demand it's your exes responsibility 8 years later when it doesn't work out for you? Or is this dog just always supposed to be DHs responsibility whenever she demands it despite not being able to see it really for the last 8 years.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/08/2022 18:38

She’s ridiculous. She wanted it, she kept it, she’s its only owner and what happens to it is on her. Honestly, the nerve of her.

This scenario was on here recently so before people descend and tell you to take it for the sake of the DH’s DC, don’t. If their mum was bothered she plan accordingly. Nothing to do with you or DH.

Reagol · 29/08/2022 18:42

It's really not the responsibility of your DH, it's 100% her dog. It's pretty shit of her to be demanding - if she'd come with a 'I'm so sorry but I'm desperate, can you help?' vibe, it'd feel different at least!

How does your DH feel?

BonesOfWhatYouBelieve · 29/08/2022 18:43

YANBU. You'd be the one looking after it all day and you don't want to. I would not be taking the dog.
There was a similar thread on here a few weeks ago where the dog has been purchased by the ex after the break up and some posters still thought OP should take it.

hellcatspangle · 29/08/2022 18:45

YANBU and he needs to be firm with her before the dog appears on the doorstep with it's rucksack.

blisstwins · 29/08/2022 18:48

But it is his child’s dog? I would try to make it work especially if you are in the position of owning a place. He did agree to get the dog in the first place and you can argue he has had a huge break until now.

LimeCheesecake · 29/08/2022 18:49

As you work 1 day a week, the dog responsibility would fall to you - and it doesn’t sound like you want to rehome this dog. I love dogs and have one, but wouldn’t think this would be good.

can you afford a dog? Round here a day at doggy day care costs £25-40 a day depending on where you go, or a dog walker charges around £10 a walk, but you’d have to be comfortable leaving your keys with someone and the dog in the house alone the rest of the time you are at work (walks are usually around an hour in length). I pay £38 a month in insurance for a 1 year old dog, at 8 years old the cost might be higher (and mine is a mixed breed dog, some pedigree dogs are more prone to issues so cost more to insure). the dog food my dog has costs under £20 a month, but friends who have their dog on a special raw diet spend £50 (plus obviously bigger dogs eat more!).

when you go on holiday, in this area the kennels charge £20-40 a night, home boarders (when you leave the dog at the boarders house) charge £40-50 a night and house sitters (when they move into your home to look after your pets) charge £95 a night.

a dog is a significant commitment of time and money, you need to really want a dog to make it work.

SunnyD44 · 29/08/2022 19:02

YABU you literally say in your OP that they both got the puppy together - so it’s both of their dog.

One of them had to keep the dog and it ended up being the ex - something that you say he was upset about which is weird is you’re saying it’s not his dog.

However, if you’re not in a position to take the dog, you can’t.

I do feel so sad that the DC is going to have to give up the dog that they’ve known for 8 years and I would be trying everything I could to keep it for their sake.

Is DH in a position to take it to work with him or anything?

JE17 · 29/08/2022 19:05

If I were in your DH position I'd want to make this work for the sake of my DC (I'm assuming they love the dog).

Riverlee · 29/08/2022 19:06

I don’t think it’s dh responsibility. When they separated, she took ownership of the dog.

NoSquirrels · 29/08/2022 19:06

It’s not your DH’s dog, it’s her dog so on that score YANBU and she is BU.

However it is your DSC’s family dog, and it will have to be rehomed if they can’t find a place to live with it.

So the responsibility isn’t your DH’s, but he may feel obliged to help out. Is there really no way you can consider a dog?

vegang · 29/08/2022 19:09

Initially I thought YANBU but I think you are, I understand where you're coming from in that you don't want to look after it but surely it his dog as well and his DCs dog too? Where else can it go?

Forgotthebins · 29/08/2022 19:10

I know couples who share custody of a dog but if his ex literally took sole custody and he has barely seen the dog since, there is no responsibility there. I love dogs but because of that I know that nobody should take on life with a dog unless it is something they 100% want to do. I feel sorry for the ex, housing is hard right now, but unfortunately for her this is her problem to solve.

vegang · 29/08/2022 19:10

If they didn't have children together and they hadn't spoken in all this time and It wasn't their family dog I'd feel differently

MissingNashville · 29/08/2022 19:17

They took on the dog together. And they have children together so it’s his children’s dog. Therefore I think he should take responsibility for the dog. The ex should pay towards it, food, daycare, walkers.

SuperCamp · 29/08/2022 19:18

So she ended up in rental, as many separated mothers do, and the dog they both wanted is now making it difficult for her to find a new home for his children.

How would life be now if he had had custody of the dog? How would you be managing the dog around his work and the baby?

What does he now think should happen to his kids’ beloved dog? Tell them they have to say goodbye because Dad has a new baby and can’t have their dog?

Take the dog, put it in dog daycare while he works?

Cantanka · 29/08/2022 19:18

My reading of this is that it suited her to keep the dog when they separated, and OP’s partner would have happily stayed involved. She is having her cake and eating it to ask him to have the dog now it no longer suits her.

That said I sympathise with anyone trying to get new accommodation at the moment, especially with a pet in tow.

StarDolphins · 29/08/2022 19:19

I’d I were you DH I would do everything possible to help. Purely for the DC’s sake. The dog & child(ren) will be bonded now & it’s not for in either. Even if to give his ex a chance to find somewhere else where she can have the dog babk.

FirstFallopians · 29/08/2022 19:20

It’s obviously not your DH’s responsibility if she took full “custody” of the dog when they split up.

However, she’s probably desperate. Won’t want to go down the rehoming route- understandably- panicking, and had a lightbulb moment when she thought of your DH.

I’d guess she’s clinging to the idea of her dog going to a previous owner that loved it, rather than potentially languishing in a shelter.

SuperCamp · 29/08/2022 19:21

Cantanka · 29/08/2022 19:18

My reading of this is that it suited her to keep the dog when they separated, and OP’s partner would have happily stayed involved. She is having her cake and eating it to ask him to have the dog now it no longer suits her.

That said I sympathise with anyone trying to get new accommodation at the moment, especially with a pet in tow.

You don’t think she’s heartbroken at having to lose the dog?

Cantanka · 29/08/2022 19:22

SuperCamp · 29/08/2022 19:21

You don’t think she’s heartbroken at having to lose the dog?

Show quote history

I don’t doubt she is but that doesn’t make it OP’s DH responsibility. She wants to keep the dog for herself.

Asking him a favour because she is in a bind - ok. Implying he’s now some sort of joint owner 8 years after the fact - nah.

Readaboutyourself · 29/08/2022 19:25

That’s mental. He’s a dog not their baby.

YANBU

PurpleWisteria · 29/08/2022 19:25

Hard to believe how many people think you should take the dog. Of course you shouldn't. For all the reasons you've given and more importantly, you don't want to.

And that's the end of the matter.

blisstwins · 29/08/2022 19:27

It’s not convenient but dogs are living creatures and they made one part of the family together. Their shared child has already had loss, and now may lose their dog on top of a new baby, etc when the father could solve this problem? I just think you should open your heart and be a little inconvenienced.

buddhasbelly · 29/08/2022 19:28

If your DH and the ex have Alec who has the them the majority of the time?

If it’s the ex I can see why she would’ve wanted to keep the dog in the first instance as their dad leaving would’ve been a lot of upheaval without the dog going too.

buddhasbelly · 29/08/2022 19:29

I don’t know who Alec is ffs DC

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