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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this dog isn't our/DHs responsibility?

193 replies

Dogg0 · 29/08/2022 18:35

DHs ex has a dog from when they were together. They purchased him as a puppy when they were together not long before they separated. He's about 8 now I think. Me and DH been together 6 years, married for two. We have a one year old baby together.

DH and his ex were never married but she wanted to keep the dog when they separated. DH was upset about it but agreed and she's had the dog since, he'd been with them around a year-ish before they separated. He's not really seen other than at the odd pick up for their DC, this dog since, never contributed toward it or anything like that.

Ex needs to get a new rental as her landlord is selling. She's struggling to find a rental that will take this dog and is insisting DH needs to take him as he's 'both their responsibility'.

We are not in the position for a dog. We own our house so not an issue with a landlord or anything but we have a baby, he works all day, I work part time (very part time, only 1 day a week) but I have no desire to be looking after a dog as well as a baby.

AIBU in thinking a dog is the responsibility of whoever kept it after the separation and you can't just demand it's your exes responsibility 8 years later when it doesn't work out for you? Or is this dog just always supposed to be DHs responsibility whenever she demands it despite not being able to see it really for the last 8 years.

OP posts:
CertainUncertain · 30/08/2022 14:38

TheyreOnlyNoodlesMichael · 30/08/2022 13:39

And that's what I mean when I say I think it's the father's responsibility, together with his ex, to sort out how to solve this, by which I mean including the kids in the conversation

How? I just can't get my head around this, how on earth is it his responsibility? He split up with this woman a thousand years ago, she kept the dog, she wanted to keep the dog. At that point his responsibility ended.

They have been apart for roughly 7 years. The dog has been in their lives for roughly 8. He was presumably a partner in the decision to get the dog, just as he was a partner in the decision to create the 2 children who have spent the last 8 years with the dog. His responsibility is to them and to his current wife and child. Not to the dog. If it's going to break his kids' hearts to get rid of the dog (which, again, we don't necessarily know), I think he should be doing some heavy lifting to make sure that doesn't happen.

Tiani4 · 30/08/2022 14:53

It's not your dog
It's not your partners dog
His ex partner didn't share custody of it even when asked over 6 years or more ago.

I feel for DSCs but you have Zero responsibility here even if dxDw to your DH tries to tell you that you have. She had all the benefits of puppy and shared none of that when it didn't suit her

I wouldn't be blackmailed by this as a DDog doesn't fit in with your family now. I can sympathise with her now she has to move but I wouldn't take on a dog I couldn't care for nor wanted as a favour to his exDP
She choose not to share dog when it suited her , so you made a dog free lifestyle and why should you take that on now?
Big fat No yanbu from me.

I'd be all "jog on" to his ex

Tiani4 · 30/08/2022 14:55

Also as he works away he cannot care for DDog
So that's a big fat No already

Dogs take a lot of care and walking

Damnautocorrect · 30/08/2022 15:07

I’ve never known a boxer live past 9.
i feel really really sorry for the dog and the ex.
i rent and this is the reason I don’t have a dog, I’d love one, like ache because I need one in my life. But this landlord probably would let me, but the next might not.

your not wrong in feeing how you do op, I’m a dog person, your not. I get that. But it’s really shit all round, I don’t think the ex is wrong for asking, and I do think there is a level of responsibility for your dh With the dog. I’ll be honest. I’d never get over my dad allowing the dog to end up in a rescue and probably put down even as an adult.

justusandmoo · 30/08/2022 15:12

You are definitely not BU. A dog is a massive responsibility. She took on that responsibility when she fought to have it when they split. If she thought your H was still partly responsible then he'd have had contact with it over the years. As it stands now you are virtual strangers to the dog. She can't now turn around and insist you both take it. She'll have to get the dog rehomed.

My partner has a dog. His ex wife told him the dog was his responsibility when they divorced. It's 4 years later and if we told her she needed to have him back she'd laugh in our faces and rightly so!

How strange are some of the responses on this thread!

scoobiedoobiedoo · 30/08/2022 15:35

Boxer live normally 10 - 14 years mine lived until she was 14. YANBU at all, if I lived in the UK I would take it off her hands, but his ex is being ridicoulous.

lickenchugget · 30/08/2022 15:40

I’ll be honest. I’d never get over my dad allowing the dog to end up in a rescue and probably put down even as an adult.

Or your DM not finding a rental where she can have a dog?

MissingNashville · 30/08/2022 16:04

lickenchugget · 30/08/2022 15:40

I’ll be honest. I’d never get over my dad allowing the dog to end up in a rescue and probably put down even as an adult.

Or your DM not finding a rental where she can have a dog?

If one parent can’t manage, you look to the other. Good parents would do whatever they needed to. I’d have been happy to pay something towards dog daycare at uni age for my dog. To be honest I’d have done whatever was necessary to keep my dog if my parents didn’t sort it. I would never, ever get over giving up a pet. To me, they’re family, more loyal than a lot of people.

Lilithslove · 30/08/2022 16:06

I’d never get over my dad allowing the dog to end up in a rescue and probably put down even as an adult.

@Damnautocorrect, I assume that as an adult you would take a dog to stop this? Otherwise it seems a bit hypocritical to be honest.

I don't think you can say the OP or her husband are thes one who would be allowing the dog to got a shelter. Surely that's on the actual owner who is trying to palm it off on others ...

Murdoch1949 · 30/08/2022 16:09

100% her dog. If he dogsits it for her he risks having a dog for life. She may get a flat with no pets policy, she may realise she enjoys dog free life, anything could happen. With your set up this dog would be a difficulty, probably 90% of the caring would fall upon you. If it helps him, tell your husband he can blame you for not accepting the dog back. It's ex's dog, she needs to sort it's care out.

Damnautocorrect · 30/08/2022 16:12

Lilithslove · 30/08/2022 16:06

I’d never get over my dad allowing the dog to end up in a rescue and probably put down even as an adult.

@Damnautocorrect, I assume that as an adult you would take a dog to stop this? Otherwise it seems a bit hypocritical to be honest.

I don't think you can say the OP or her husband are thes one who would be allowing the dog to got a shelter. Surely that's on the actual owner who is trying to palm it off on others ...

The children/ adults aren’t able to offer a home.

im not saying the op is wrong for feeling that way. Far from it. Just if I was one of the children I couldn’t forgive my dad for allowing it.
to op they are a random mutt, to the step children they are their pet.
no one’s wrong for feeling that way

Damnautocorrect · 30/08/2022 16:14

lickenchugget · 30/08/2022 15:40

I’ll be honest. I’d never get over my dad allowing the dog to end up in a rescue and probably put down even as an adult.

Or your DM not finding a rental where she can have a dog?

You don’t rent do you? It’s a bloody nightmare getting somewhere at the moment.
it’s not a case of not trying hard enough. Its why a lot of people have started sleeping in cars to keep their pets, why some domestic abuse victims stay.

gatehouseoffleet · 30/08/2022 16:15

lickenchugget · 30/08/2022 15:40

I’ll be honest. I’d never get over my dad allowing the dog to end up in a rescue and probably put down even as an adult.

Or your DM not finding a rental where she can have a dog?

Yes it's interesting that it has to be the dad's fault and not the mum's doesn't it?

Although this is an example of where the rental rules cause a lot of heartache. I still don't think landlords should be forced to accept animals if they don't want them, but it does show that it's a tough dilemma.

Damnautocorrect · 30/08/2022 16:16

scoobiedoobiedoo · 30/08/2022 15:35

Boxer live normally 10 - 14 years mine lived until she was 14. YANBU at all, if I lived in the UK I would take it off her hands, but his ex is being ridicoulous.

Wow 14!
everyone I’ve ever known hasn’t got past 9, been really healthy until then and various ailments has got them at 9.

lovely dogs.

Damnautocorrect · 30/08/2022 16:18

gatehouseoffleet · 30/08/2022 16:15

Yes it's interesting that it has to be the dad's fault and not the mum's doesn't it?

Although this is an example of where the rental rules cause a lot of heartache. I still don't think landlords should be forced to accept animals if they don't want them, but it does show that it's a tough dilemma.

Show quote history

dads in the position to help.
not saying it’s all the dads fault at all. But he is potentially the last bastion of hope between rehoming and keeping the dog.

i mean they might not give a shit about the dog. It’s just how I would have felt.

again. I’m not saying the op is wrong for feeling that way, she’s not a dog person and they are a big commitment.

Lilithslove · 30/08/2022 16:18

The children/ adults aren’t able to offer a home.

Neither can the OP. She has a baby and isn't prepared to put in the care needed. This is as valid as the ex's reason for no longer wanting the dog the OP didn't even chose to buy it.

Lilithslove · 30/08/2022 16:20

dads in the position to help.

He is not. He is not available to care for the dog as he is working and has a young baby.

Damnautocorrect · 30/08/2022 16:20

Lilithslove · 30/08/2022 16:18

The children/ adults aren’t able to offer a home.

Neither can the OP. She has a baby and isn't prepared to put in the care needed. This is as valid as the ex's reason for no longer wanting the dog the OP didn't even chose to buy it.

I don’t think the op is wrong for feeling that way. I completely agree with you. to Op it’s a random mutt to the kids it’s their companion, part of the family.

Damnautocorrect · 30/08/2022 16:21

Lilithslove · 30/08/2022 16:20

dads in the position to help.

He is not. He is not available to care for the dog as he is working and has a young baby.

again. This is from the child’s perspective about their companion and family.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 30/08/2022 16:22

This is so tricky!!

Well I mean it's not, it is quite straight forward but the fact that there is an animal's life on the line (possibly) makes it tricky!

So dog was a joint purchase, both ex and DH have joint responsibility.

1 year later and the relationship breaks down and ex takes full responsibility for dog

6 years later and ex now can't carry on being responsible for dog.

So you've built up your entire relationship and home life together with the knowledge that you don't have a dog. You have never had to factor in doggy daycare, vet bills, food, dog walkers etc into your life because why would you and if you had wanted a family dog, presumably you would have looked at finances/availability and made a decision accordingly.

It's not really fair for your family to suddenly fund an adult dog and change your lifestyle to suit when it isn't a family decision.

I'd refuse based on this. It's not his dog and your life isn't currently suited to dog ownership (hence why you don't have one).

Hopefully she'll find a suitable home for the dog.

Goldbar · 30/08/2022 16:23

Bringing an adult dog into a house with a crawling baby is nuts.

The OP needs to put her baby first. The dog could easily be a safety risk to the baby. Or do people think that the OP should be looking to rehome her baby so she can safely take on the dog 🙄?

Damnautocorrect · 30/08/2022 16:39

Goldbar · 30/08/2022 16:23

Bringing an adult dog into a house with a crawling baby is nuts.

The OP needs to put her baby first. The dog could easily be a safety risk to the baby. Or do people think that the OP should be looking to rehome her baby so she can safely take on the dog 🙄?

It completely depends on the dog. plenty of people have dogs and babies.
however you have to want to, and put measures in place to protect both.
and the op doesn’t want to. Which is absolutely ok and her choice. But it isn’t an outright impossible situation to overcome.

lickenchugget · 30/08/2022 16:40

Damnautocorrect · 30/08/2022 16:21

again. This is from the child’s perspective about their companion and family.

Show quote history

Why does a D(S)C’s perspective matter more than adults?

lickenchugget · 30/08/2022 16:42

Especially adults acting on behalf of a baby?

Damnautocorrect · 30/08/2022 16:43

lickenchugget · 30/08/2022 16:40

Why does a D(S)C’s perspective matter more than adults?

Show quote history

it doesn’t matter more.
again. Just saying how I would feel if it was my family dog.

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