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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this dog isn't our/DHs responsibility?

193 replies

Dogg0 · 29/08/2022 18:35

DHs ex has a dog from when they were together. They purchased him as a puppy when they were together not long before they separated. He's about 8 now I think. Me and DH been together 6 years, married for two. We have a one year old baby together.

DH and his ex were never married but she wanted to keep the dog when they separated. DH was upset about it but agreed and she's had the dog since, he'd been with them around a year-ish before they separated. He's not really seen other than at the odd pick up for their DC, this dog since, never contributed toward it or anything like that.

Ex needs to get a new rental as her landlord is selling. She's struggling to find a rental that will take this dog and is insisting DH needs to take him as he's 'both their responsibility'.

We are not in the position for a dog. We own our house so not an issue with a landlord or anything but we have a baby, he works all day, I work part time (very part time, only 1 day a week) but I have no desire to be looking after a dog as well as a baby.

AIBU in thinking a dog is the responsibility of whoever kept it after the separation and you can't just demand it's your exes responsibility 8 years later when it doesn't work out for you? Or is this dog just always supposed to be DHs responsibility whenever she demands it despite not being able to see it really for the last 8 years.

OP posts:
Quackpot · 29/08/2022 23:42

An older dog you haven't raised joining a family with a baby? Absolutely not. But then I wouldn't keep any dog with kids either.

Diva66 · 29/08/2022 23:42

I would not want to take on an unknown adult dog when you have a small baby. It would not be safe. It really isn’t your responsibility.

MissMaple82 · 29/08/2022 23:47

He could be a twat amd not help our, or he could be somewhat decent and help out, even if temporary until she finds appropriate accommodation

MissMaple82 · 29/08/2022 23:48

By the way, landlords can't refuse because of pets anymore!

Electriq · 29/08/2022 23:55

YANBU
A dog is a huge life changing commitment as you have already said.

Why should you be forced into taking an animal on you do not want?

Ask your DH to ask around his friends and work colleagues, but your not willing to take the dog in at all.

canteatlovefood · 30/08/2022 00:02

Absolutely no way.
It will change your entire life and it is not your responsibility. I'm shocked at the amount of posters who think your husband has an obligation to this dog. It's a dog, not a child. She kept it, it's hers now.
Op please do not be guilted into this, if you don't want it and you take it you will regret it.

Gagaandgag · 30/08/2022 00:14

Notanotherwindow · 29/08/2022 19:47

When you get a dog, you commit to look after it until it dies. He made the decision along with her, to take it on. She has had sole responsibility for it up to now so really I think he is morally obligated to at least help find it another good home if not take it in.

Im sorry, I agree they both took on the dog. They agreed at the time to share responsibility. I don’t think that just goes away imo. Would you be the only option before a rehoming shelter?

I do feel for you OP

My DHs EW bought two cats into the home without even asking my DH ( just came home with the kittens as a ‘surprise’ 🤣)

Fast forward to her having several affairs my
DH had finally had enough so they split but the EW went into accommodation that wouldn’t take cats. So DH kept them!
So I had to take them on when I met him.

I was not a cat person at all at the start (dog person 😉) but it didn’t take me long to totally adore them!! I would have been gutted if she ever returned for them. You get to know their personality. At 8 a boxer would be slowing down in life. She might not even have that long left!

You never know OP you might surprise yourself and fall in love?! If you seriously consider it you need to have a frank conversation with your DH and explain that he needs to take the chunk of the responsibility.

toomuchlaundry · 30/08/2022 00:17

Can the child going to college help out?

Babyroobs · 30/08/2022 00:18

If you don't take the dog then what is the alternative? It's likely going to end up in a shelter poor thing. Would your partner accept that ?

Willyoujustbequiet · 30/08/2022 00:18

Yabu.

It was their dog that they took on together. Its also DCs dog. It's a living creature and your DH has a responsibility to it. He knew that when he got it.

Whether you can afford it is a different matter.

nocoolnamesleft · 30/08/2022 00:22

YANBU. You have a baby in the house. That's not a good mix with a confused upset dog that's just lost its home/owner.

Rosecottage888 · 30/08/2022 00:35

YANBU, at all.

Shame on people trying to guilt you into taking him.

MyBabyLaura · 30/08/2022 00:36

Dogg0 · 29/08/2022 21:48

I'm also more than happy to suggest to DH he works with her to find a decent rescue and he doesn't go somewhere he'll be PTS. He can help in whatever way he likes, apart from having him come live with us.

Dog isn't your responsibilities. Reality is he needs PTS and she doesn't want to face it. 8 is quite old for a dog. Rescues don't have space, they're for abused and neglected or owners died etc, they'll likely tell her to sort it out herself. Rehoming privately is dodgy because you never know if people are who they say they are and most people don't want an old dog. So dog's high risk for ending up somewhere not good. She's trying to re-home dog to someone trustworthy ie you and also so she can still see it/walk it occasionally. Trying to have her cake and eat it. Doesn't want to face facts that she can't keep dog and sadly it's in the best interests to PTS. Poor family dog done nothing wrong and dumped in a shelter until dies of old age because people don't want an old dog, how's that better? If she PTS now dog is happy until the last minute. No old age illness or suffering. Better if she can find pet friendly accommodation but if she can't she can't.

PinkStarAtNight · 30/08/2022 00:40

SunnyD44 · 29/08/2022 19:02

YABU you literally say in your OP that they both got the puppy together - so it’s both of their dog.

One of them had to keep the dog and it ended up being the ex - something that you say he was upset about which is weird is you’re saying it’s not his dog.

However, if you’re not in a position to take the dog, you can’t.

I do feel so sad that the DC is going to have to give up the dog that they’ve known for 8 years and I would be trying everything I could to keep it for their sake.

Is DH in a position to take it to work with him or anything?

This

They both made the decision and commitment to get the dog, so imo even if they break up its still both of theirs. She wanted it to live with her, which it did for a while. She's now no longer able to look after it, so its your DHs turn.

The fact you don't want it is irrelevant. Have you even asked him what he wants, or are you just wanting to tell him that he's not allowed to take responsibility for HIS dog just because you don't want it?

Iced · 30/08/2022 00:47

StarDolphins · 29/08/2022 19:19

I’d I were you DH I would do everything possible to help. Purely for the DC’s sake. The dog & child(ren) will be bonded now & it’s not for in either. Even if to give his ex a chance to find somewhere else where she can have the dog babk.

Yes 🙌

Gagaandgag · 30/08/2022 00:50

MyBabyLaura · 30/08/2022 00:36

Dog isn't your responsibilities. Reality is he needs PTS and she doesn't want to face it. 8 is quite old for a dog. Rescues don't have space, they're for abused and neglected or owners died etc, they'll likely tell her to sort it out herself. Rehoming privately is dodgy because you never know if people are who they say they are and most people don't want an old dog. So dog's high risk for ending up somewhere not good. She's trying to re-home dog to someone trustworthy ie you and also so she can still see it/walk it occasionally. Trying to have her cake and eat it. Doesn't want to face facts that she can't keep dog and sadly it's in the best interests to PTS. Poor family dog done nothing wrong and dumped in a shelter until dies of old age because people don't want an old dog, how's that better? If she PTS now dog is happy until the last minute. No old age illness or suffering. Better if she can find pet friendly accommodation but if she can't she can't.

Show quote history

I think it is inappropriate and cruel to suggest that he is put to sleep when you don’t know anything about him.

OP if you really are all serious about rehoming you may want to go down the line of a specific breed rehoming charity. They often have people who are very passionate about that particular breed. If he is in his twilight years some may even prefer this and be very keen to give him a wonderful and indulgent last few years

www.nayboxerrescue.co.uk

BadNomad · 30/08/2022 00:58

No. When relationships end, dogs are treated as property. They can be shared if both people agree, but in your situation the ex wanted the dog after the split and got it. It ceased to belong to your DH then.

Schtuck · 30/08/2022 01:01

Blimey, my ex and I got 2 cats together 13 years ago. We split up a year later and I kept them. I'd love to see his and his wife's reactions if I rocked up now and declared he still has a responsibility to them after all this time! He'd laugh me off the doorstep.

So many bonkers comments on this thread.

Don't take the dog if you don't want it. Definitely don't take it when you have a small baby - it's not worth the risk.

bringbackveronicamars · 30/08/2022 01:03

I wouldn't take the dog in OP's shoes.

Landlords have to be more flexible with animals I thought ... his ex will have to find a rental and take the dog with her.

SpacePotato · 30/08/2022 01:04

The fact you don't want it is irrelevant

No. It's the only thing that's relevant.

Do any of actual read that the DH won't be there all the time to look after the dog so OP, who does not want it, will be the one stuck walking it, feeding it, cleaning up it's shit etc every day.

Nice of you all to volunteer her to this massive commitment to a dog that has nothing to do with her at all.

RaspberryParfait · 30/08/2022 01:21

YANBU about not wanting a dog in your home with a young child that it doesn’t know when it’s elderly and health problems may start to appear. Certainly not your responsibility to look after it either.

It is your DH’s responsibility to make sure his DC are housed though, especially with 1 still under 18 I presume. Even the one going to Uni will need a home for holidays and probably afterwards with the cost of housing so high. So I hope he’s assisting in finding a home for them. It’s not just his ex’s responsibility even if he pays maintenance. Especially as he’s got a secure home for himself and subsequent DC. Maybe he can find a dog friendly property and assist with moving costs?

Lilithslove · 30/08/2022 01:32

This thread is bonkers. Of course the op isn't obliged to take on a dog. Having a dog in the same house as a small baby is a risk, but even without the baby she doesn't have to have him.

People keep pointing out that the dog is a sentient being so surely it needs to live with someone who wants to take care of it. How would the op taking it on reluctantly out of guilt be good for anyone?

Dogs are a huge commitment and need to live with people who care about them and are prepared to make sacrifices for them. It's absolutely fine that the op doesn't want to make sacrifices for a dog she didn't chose.

CertainUncertain · 30/08/2022 01:57

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I do think, if this dog is meaningful to his kids, it would be very disappointing if your husband didn't step up so he and his ex, together, could figure out a way for to manage to keep him. I know my own kids, even at that age, are incredibly attached to our dogs and would be devastated if we had to get rid of them. I wouldn't be able to do it, and, if his kids care, I think your husband should find a way not to.

Caveat, though, is that the responsibility shouldn't fall on you.

MyBabyLaura · 30/08/2022 01:59

@RaspberryParfait if he needs to house his DC he can house them in the house where he lives with OP. He doesn't need to be involved with finding accommodation for his ex. It's nothing to do with him. If his ex wants to live with the DC finding suitable accommodation is up to her. She could find it easier if she wasn't looking for somewhere that takes pets. People in private rental owning house pets is daft, this situation of struggling to find somewhere is going to occur every time they move.

MyBabyLaura · 30/08/2022 02:29

I think it is inappropriate and cruel to suggest that he is put to sleep when you don’t know anything about him

I disagree. I know his long term owner can't keep him any more and he's old. That's enough reason to call time on the situation IMO.

PTS isn't cruel, the dog knows nothing about it, or the worse alternatives that could befall him if the ex puts a rehoming ad on a website somewhere or he isn't lucky enough to find a doting owner wanting an old dog from the shelter. It's unsettling for him to have to move homes and families at his age, even if he is lucky enough to get a nice new owner. More people should PTS their unwanted pets especially if old or health/behaviour problems. Its called taking responsibility.

If people did, there'd be less neglected animals in homes where they're not really wanted any more, not getting enough walks or proper care and timely vet intervention when ill etc. Less animals being passed around endlessly because guess what the new owners don't want to deal with its issues either, all those ads "we can't give critter the time/attention it needs" code for its a blooming nightmare. Or the ones who thought it's a nice idea then decide they CBA with the reality. Or same as the ex they're private rent and having to move. Less animals languishing in shelters desperate for attention which the staff don't have time to give them. I believe in quality of life, not life at all costs no matter what.

Inappropriate and cruel are the ones putting a guilt trip on OP that this is in any way her problem to solve.

OP dogs are great but a massive committment. Your home's 3x messier for a start. Between the paw prints, dropped food near the bowl, moulting hair, wet noses marks and drool. It's a lot of effort. They can make your home smell too if they've rolled in something and you don't have time to bath them or if the diet isn't right causing flatulence. I don't blame you for not wanting to take on the responsibility.

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