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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this dog isn't our/DHs responsibility?

193 replies

Dogg0 · 29/08/2022 18:35

DHs ex has a dog from when they were together. They purchased him as a puppy when they were together not long before they separated. He's about 8 now I think. Me and DH been together 6 years, married for two. We have a one year old baby together.

DH and his ex were never married but she wanted to keep the dog when they separated. DH was upset about it but agreed and she's had the dog since, he'd been with them around a year-ish before they separated. He's not really seen other than at the odd pick up for their DC, this dog since, never contributed toward it or anything like that.

Ex needs to get a new rental as her landlord is selling. She's struggling to find a rental that will take this dog and is insisting DH needs to take him as he's 'both their responsibility'.

We are not in the position for a dog. We own our house so not an issue with a landlord or anything but we have a baby, he works all day, I work part time (very part time, only 1 day a week) but I have no desire to be looking after a dog as well as a baby.

AIBU in thinking a dog is the responsibility of whoever kept it after the separation and you can't just demand it's your exes responsibility 8 years later when it doesn't work out for you? Or is this dog just always supposed to be DHs responsibility whenever she demands it despite not being able to see it really for the last 8 years.

OP posts:
vegang · 30/08/2022 09:38

Dogg0 · 30/08/2022 08:25

I really don't understand how PP can say it's of no relevance whether or not I want it! It's my house as well! And of course I have the final say if I'm the one who'll be at home with it all day.

We can't afford dog daycare or dog walkers everyday, no DH can't just magically swap his job around so he's here everyday. It'll be me, the one who's at home, cleaning up after it, walking it, taking into the vets.

And that's not even mentioning the money an old dog starts costing as they become unwell and elderly.

PPs asked what DH thinks. DH would be happy to have the dog. But surely the person who doesn't want it gets the last say as with every other dog or pet or even baby thread I've read on here?

Why did you post in AIBU then if you don't think you are?

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2022 09:55

PurpleWisteria · 30/08/2022 09:35

One kid is an adult the other an older teen. They are perfectly capable of understanding why OP cannot have the dog.

So many people fretting about a dog and so few for the baby and OP.

Show quote history

The baby has both parents living together and that’s all they need. The older DC are victims of being from a broken home and their needs come first. Keep up 😉

Meraas · 30/08/2022 10:03

PinkStarAtNight · 30/08/2022 00:40

This

They both made the decision and commitment to get the dog, so imo even if they break up its still both of theirs. She wanted it to live with her, which it did for a while. She's now no longer able to look after it, so its your DHs turn.

The fact you don't want it is irrelevant. Have you even asked him what he wants, or are you just wanting to tell him that he's not allowed to take responsibility for HIS dog just because you don't want it?

Show quote history

Er, no, it doesn't work like that. OP doesn't want a dog, therefore the dog won't be coming into her home.

The person who doesn't want the dog trumps the person who wants the dog. Always. And especially when the person who doesn't want the dog is being expected to look after the dog.

Or are women's wants irrelevant to you generally?

Meraas · 30/08/2022 10:05

vegang · 30/08/2022 09:38

Why did you post in AIBU then if you don't think you are?

Show quote history

Because of the 82% reasonable people who agree with OP.

CertainUncertain · 30/08/2022 10:18

I agree that this isn't the OP's responsibility, and she should not end up either having it in her house or caring for it against her will. but it is her husband and his ex's to figure out a way for their children to keep a (presumably) beloved pet.

How would you feel, @Dogg0, if 15 or 16 years down the line, your own now 1 year old is passionately attached to something that's in danger of being taken away unnecessarily and your DH throws up his hands because a solution doesn't magically land in his lap?

I disagree, by the way, that a teen and a person about to start university are adults in need 'of a couple of home truths' as a pp said. They're still kids, with parents who are no longer together and a newish half sibling, and at exciting but potentially difficult times in their lives.

PerfectlyPreservedQuagaarWarrior · 30/08/2022 10:23

CertainUncertain · 30/08/2022 10:18

I agree that this isn't the OP's responsibility, and she should not end up either having it in her house or caring for it against her will. but it is her husband and his ex's to figure out a way for their children to keep a (presumably) beloved pet.

How would you feel, @Dogg0, if 15 or 16 years down the line, your own now 1 year old is passionately attached to something that's in danger of being taken away unnecessarily and your DH throws up his hands because a solution doesn't magically land in his lap?

I disagree, by the way, that a teen and a person about to start university are adults in need 'of a couple of home truths' as a pp said. They're still kids, with parents who are no longer together and a newish half sibling, and at exciting but potentially difficult times in their lives.

I disagree, by the way, that a teen and a person about to start university are adults in need 'of a couple of home truths' as a pp said. They're still kids, with parents who are no longer together and a newish half sibling, and at exciting but potentially difficult times in their lives.

Well, one of them is an adult or is very shortly to be, and that part isn't a matter for disagreement. The other one presumably is still a child, although I suppose on the information given they could be coming up to 18 and going into Year 13 at college.

But either way, if they do expect the OP to take on nearly all the shitwork involved in caring for an elderly dog, which is inevitable and substantial, to the extent that they get pissed off when she won't, home truths is exactly what they need. Being at exciting and difficult times in your lives, and having a one year old also ticks both of those boxes incidentally, simply does not mean you get to impose caring duties for your elderly pet on another person because you'll be sad if they don't. That idea needs squashing, immediately. It's not at all in their interests to be allowed to persist in the idea that it's a reasonable expectation.

This is of course all hypothetical though, because we don't actually know how the older DC will react.

SpacePotato · 30/08/2022 10:28

But I feel very sorry for the dog, the children (grown up or not) and your husband, who lost the dog because of his first wife, and now has to lose it again because of his second

Just when I thought the emotional blackmail couldn't get any worse 😂😂

The DH hasn't been involved with the bloody dog for 7 of it's 8 years. He isn't going to 'lose' it again at all.

So many posters who give a shit about everyone BUT the person who will be actually stuck with the dog the don't want all day.
So many who expect op to just take on this commitment without any thought to the impact on her own life.

Then we all know the DH will get all the praise and glory for being the hero that took the dog in, whilst op is busy picking up dog shit.

PerfectlyPreservedQuagaarWarrior · 30/08/2022 10:32

So many posters who give a shit about everyone BUT the person who will be actually stuck with the dog the don't want all day.

Yep!

toomuchlaundry · 30/08/2022 10:34

If the DC have already reduced the time they spend at their dads compared to how much time at their mums, I assume they may spend even less time there if they feel that dad (and step mum) preferred the dog to be PTS than take it in

Meraas · 30/08/2022 10:39

Honeyroar · 30/08/2022 09:26

I can see your point in that your husband is not obligated to take the dog, it’s become HER sole dog over the past six years or so. But I feel very sorry for the dog, the children (grown up or not) and your husband, who lost the dog because of his first wife, and now has to lose it again because of his second. And it’s not as though she’s just got bored of the dog after a few years, she’s only wanting him to have it because she’s not allowed to keep it.

id tell her to ask everyone else she knows first. But I’d not let the dog go to rescue. I’d also be asking amongst my friends to try and find a good home.

This really is terrible emotional blackmail, as Spacepotato says.

And the blaming of first and second wives but absolving the man is misogynistic crap.

SpacePotato · 30/08/2022 10:43

The dad doesn't have time to look after a dog though so you are putting all the responsibility for others feelings, and dog care, on op.

The DSC probably visit less because of their age, busy starting their own independent lives, not really bothered spending time with a baby. Do you honestly think they'd visit more if the dog was there?

Nope. Everyone else would just carry on with their responsibility free lives while op is stuck looking after someone else's dog.

DougalsBlueJumper · 30/08/2022 10:54

This is so ridiculous, it's laughable. What was OP's DH supposed to do? Make sure he only ever formed a relationship with someone who might be prepared, some day in the future, to take care of a dog he no longer has any contact with? I can see that scenario - bloke working himself up to tell his new girlfriend he has a mutt from a previous relationship and will understand if she doesn't want to take him on with all his baggage. What a bloody joke.

GlitteryGreen · 30/08/2022 11:10

Some of these replies are so bizarre, you can't just force someone else to take on your dog because you're moving somewhere you can't take it?! Just because OP's DH is this woman's ex doesn't mean he has to take her dog?!

She either needs to find somewhere that accept dogs - as most dog owners would - or she needs to find another solution, ask friends or rehome.

bringbackveronicamars · 30/08/2022 11:19

Doorhandleghost · 30/08/2022 06:59

This has been the most entertaining thread I've read on mumsnet for ages.

Clearly, OP, there is only one possible solution here - you need to move the dog AND the ex in with you immediately. You must then do all the cooking, cleaning, looking after the dog for ever in perpetuity - all because you had the audacity to marry a man who once owned a dog.

I find it interesting that your DH finds it quite easy to decide to have the dog, probably because he isn't going to have to look after it!

😂I get that sense from some posters as well! Owned a dog back in the day? You must accept him bringing a dog into the house YEARS later and look after for him. 😂

bringbackveronicamars · 30/08/2022 11:21

Why did you post in AIBU then if you don't think you are?

Because she's not being unreasonable. And she's probably trying to prove this to her husband who's trying to force her to accept and look after the dog for him.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 30/08/2022 11:29

Having a dog doesn't prevent the EW from finding somewhere to live. It might mean that she has to pay a bigger deposit against any damage/ cleaning resulting from the dog's presence. If she advertised on FB etc, explaining her story and the age/ good behaviour of the dog, she might well find a dog-loving landlord prepared to rent to her.

No way should the OP agree to having a dog in the house with her new baby!

TheNoodlesIncident · 30/08/2022 11:36

The fact you don't want it is irrelevant.

Actually, that's the ONLY relevant fact. Why do posters think OP doesn't get a say in whether she wants to look after a random dog all day? How outrageous of them! (And it is random, it's not a dog she's chosen at a time that suits her.)

OP, it's not your DH's responsibility, his ex chose sole custody. More than that though, it's not YOUR responsibility.

Lilithslove · 30/08/2022 11:57

If the children are so attached to the dog then surely the adult child can take it. If this isn't ok then why is it ok to just expect the op to?

Goldbar · 30/08/2022 12:11

Some absolutely crazy responses here.

OP, I'd just say straight out that there is not a chance in hell you're having a large dog living in the same house as your small child. Unless you're willing to constantly supervise dog and baby and ensure they're never left alone together, it's a huge safety risk. Why would you accept that risk to your child for a dog you don't even want?

CertainUncertain · 30/08/2022 12:23

PerfectlyPreservedQuagaarWarrior · 30/08/2022 10:23

I disagree, by the way, that a teen and a person about to start university are adults in need 'of a couple of home truths' as a pp said. They're still kids, with parents who are no longer together and a newish half sibling, and at exciting but potentially difficult times in their lives.

Well, one of them is an adult or is very shortly to be, and that part isn't a matter for disagreement. The other one presumably is still a child, although I suppose on the information given they could be coming up to 18 and going into Year 13 at college.

But either way, if they do expect the OP to take on nearly all the shitwork involved in caring for an elderly dog, which is inevitable and substantial, to the extent that they get pissed off when she won't, home truths is exactly what they need. Being at exciting and difficult times in your lives, and having a one year old also ticks both of those boxes incidentally, simply does not mean you get to impose caring duties for your elderly pet on another person because you'll be sad if they don't. That idea needs squashing, immediately. It's not at all in their interests to be allowed to persist in the idea that it's a reasonable expectation.

This is of course all hypothetical though, because we don't actually know how the older DC will react.

Show quote history

I don't know that we have any reason to assume the children will be pissed off at the OP for not taking on the dog, that's an assumption that's been made.

I know that I do not expect my obligation or desire to be aware of/attend to my children's emotional needs to disappear at the age of 18, and I think in this case their father should be making a commitment to helping their mother solve this.

I actually think it's not a question of anger or expectation but the understanding that it could be extremely traumatic to have a beloved childhood pet PTS or given away because your parents can't be arsed to solve a problem.

And I do think it could have a potential negative effect on his longer term relationship with them, but that's on him, not the OP. In her shoes, however, it would have me wondering about how well I could expect him to step up for my own child later.

Zosime · 30/08/2022 12:39

I actually think it's not a question of anger or expectation but the understanding that it could be extremely traumatic to have a beloved childhood pet PTS or given away because your parents can't be arsed to solve a problem.

It could be. We don't actually know how much time the dc spend with the dog or how interested they are in it.

They are actually old enough to understand the problem and help with finding a solution, or understand why there is no solution that will please everyone.

If it really is their beloved childhood pet, they should be taking on some of the responsibility - committing to walking, grooming, sharing the cost etc if they expect op to house the dog.

PerfectlyPreservedQuagaarWarrior · 30/08/2022 13:01

I actually think it's not a question of anger or expectation but the understanding that it could be extremely traumatic to have a beloved childhood pet PTS or given away because your parents can't be arsed to solve a problem

Which is fine, but I'm specifically talking about a different eventuality.

Also, it's really important everyone involved here is clear that OPs labour is not DHs to give away. Him not being able to oblige her to take on much of the care of an elderly dog, and she's been clear that's what would have to happen given the lack of money for doggy daycare and him being unable to wfh all the time, isn't him not being arsed.

CertainUncertain · 30/08/2022 13:03

Zosime · 30/08/2022 12:39

I actually think it's not a question of anger or expectation but the understanding that it could be extremely traumatic to have a beloved childhood pet PTS or given away because your parents can't be arsed to solve a problem.

It could be. We don't actually know how much time the dc spend with the dog or how interested they are in it.

They are actually old enough to understand the problem and help with finding a solution, or understand why there is no solution that will please everyone.

If it really is their beloved childhood pet, they should be taking on some of the responsibility - committing to walking, grooming, sharing the cost etc if they expect op to house the dog.

@Zosime

I don't disagree with that at all, and of course I'm extrapolating from my own children's relationship with our family pets.

And that's what I mean when I say I think it's the father's responsibility, together with his ex, to sort out how to solve this, by which I mean including the kids in the conversation. But so far, it sounds like the options that have been put on the table are OP basically gets the dog dumped on her, the dog gets PTS, the dog gets rehomed, none of which are ideal.

TheyreOnlyNoodlesMichael · 30/08/2022 13:39

And that's what I mean when I say I think it's the father's responsibility, together with his ex, to sort out how to solve this, by which I mean including the kids in the conversation

How? I just can't get my head around this, how on earth is it his responsibility? He split up with this woman a thousand years ago, she kept the dog, she wanted to keep the dog. At that point his responsibility ended.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 30/08/2022 13:42

Taking on any ddog in the second half of it's life is likely more expensive.. She is a cf to have expectations you rehome it
.
Your dh is unable to commit given he works away from home.

Yanbu to have to say no.