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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this dog isn't our/DHs responsibility?

193 replies

Dogg0 · 29/08/2022 18:35

DHs ex has a dog from when they were together. They purchased him as a puppy when they were together not long before they separated. He's about 8 now I think. Me and DH been together 6 years, married for two. We have a one year old baby together.

DH and his ex were never married but she wanted to keep the dog when they separated. DH was upset about it but agreed and she's had the dog since, he'd been with them around a year-ish before they separated. He's not really seen other than at the odd pick up for their DC, this dog since, never contributed toward it or anything like that.

Ex needs to get a new rental as her landlord is selling. She's struggling to find a rental that will take this dog and is insisting DH needs to take him as he's 'both their responsibility'.

We are not in the position for a dog. We own our house so not an issue with a landlord or anything but we have a baby, he works all day, I work part time (very part time, only 1 day a week) but I have no desire to be looking after a dog as well as a baby.

AIBU in thinking a dog is the responsibility of whoever kept it after the separation and you can't just demand it's your exes responsibility 8 years later when it doesn't work out for you? Or is this dog just always supposed to be DHs responsibility whenever she demands it despite not being able to see it really for the last 8 years.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 29/08/2022 19:31

Legally a landlord can no longer refuse a dog on a tenancy without good reason. Realistically there are so few properties around that she will be disregarded. Perhaps you could negotiate to take the dog temporarily until she’s moved in. But only on condition that she takes a suitable property, perhaps one with hard flooring downstairs at least and a garden as a must. She should take a one year lease as a minimum with no break clause. If she gets something, which isn’t in tip top shape, the landlord may not even mind the dog moving in once presented as a fait accompli or if she asks.

The first question before all this would be, what is the dog like? Is it safe around very small children and babies?

SarahSissions · 29/08/2022 19:31

Can we remember that this is a living creature please?
the alternative is trying to get this dog into a shelter at a time when shelters are struggling and don’t have spaces. It’s not your responsibility, but the kind thing to do would be to help out with the family pet

Original poster
Dogg0 · 29/08/2022 19:35

Just to clarify, DSC are older one is off to uni shortly and the other is in college. They'd still be sad I'm sure but they aren't tiny children, one won't even be living at home shortly! It was 50:50 when they were younger but it's more ad-hoc now.

Dog is a boxer. We can't afford dog daycare every day so likelihood would be me being dumped with doing all the walking etc throughout the week.

In my opinion she wanted the dog when they separated so that means taking the dog fully, not just until it doesn't work for you.

OP posts:
SpacePotato · 29/08/2022 19:36

All those using emotional blackmail to tell the op she should take the bloody dog are ridiculous.

The op doesn't want the bloody dog. We all know damn well it would be her stuck with it all day and looking after it, picking up it's shit etc and doesn't want it around her baby.

It's the ex's dog and the ex's problem.

Original poster
Dogg0 · 29/08/2022 19:37

I appreciate the issue with housing at the moment but it's such a big commitment. If we were talking about a goldfish fair enough but a dog is another ball game entirely. It would change our entire life, the walking, the money, being unable to go away without considering it and so on.

Absolutely not something I want to be doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dogg0 · 29/08/2022 19:38

Also a dog is a pet I've always said I don't have any interest in having.

DH is feeling the pressure and I think regardless would quite like the dog as he's a dog person and did miss this one. But his life isn't set up for one.

OP posts:
Gensola · 29/08/2022 19:39

My DH ex kept the dog against his wishes and then tried to ask for £80 maintenance for the dog per month. People are crazy.

SunnyD44 · 29/08/2022 19:41

The fact that it’s a boxer means it’s an elderly dog and for that reason I would take it in for its last days if she doesn’t have anyone else to take it.

This is a dog that the children have literally grown up with and it would be so sad to get rid of it just before it dies.

I feel sorry for the dog, DH and children.

I would see if there is any way DH can have the dog.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/08/2022 19:44

As many insane replies as I expected. As for what if he’d had the dog before he and OP got together, I wouldn’t have dated someone who had a dog never mind married them, lived with them, had a child together. No chance.

Readaboutyourself · 29/08/2022 19:46

Would she accept help finding a dog friendly rental?

Notanotherwindow · 29/08/2022 19:47

When you get a dog, you commit to look after it until it dies. He made the decision along with her, to take it on. She has had sole responsibility for it up to now so really I think he is morally obligated to at least help find it another good home if not take it in.

RIPWalter · 29/08/2022 19:51

Dogg0 · 29/08/2022 19:35

Just to clarify, DSC are older one is off to uni shortly and the other is in college. They'd still be sad I'm sure but they aren't tiny children, one won't even be living at home shortly! It was 50:50 when they were younger but it's more ad-hoc now.

Dog is a boxer. We can't afford dog daycare every day so likelihood would be me being dumped with doing all the walking etc throughout the week.

In my opinion she wanted the dog when they separated so that means taking the dog fully, not just until it doesn't work for you.

There are a lot of dogs being put up for rehoming at the moment, and not enough space in doghomes for them so dogs are being destroyed.

This is you DSC pet dog, your and your DH decision on this matter will have lasting ramifications on your relationship with them, and consequently between them and their younger sibling.

It's a tough one, and it's a shame your DH and ex didn't do a shared arrangement where the dog went where the kids went. I like dogs so would totally have it in your situation (assuming there were no issues with the dog and your toddler), but understand your reservations.

SpacePotato · 29/08/2022 20:01

This is you DSC pet dog, your and your DH decision on this matter will have lasting ramifications on your relationship with them, and consequently between them and their younger sibling

More emotional blackmail bullshit.
The op has said the DSC are older and leaving home anyway. They'll be off living their own lives. If they were that arsed they'd take the dog with them.

The DH won't even be there to look after the dog, so yet again the op would be stuck looking after a dog she doesn't want. It will be all on her. Why the fuck should she make that sacrifice to please his ex wife?

Penguinfeather781 · 29/08/2022 20:03

Notanotherwindow · 29/08/2022 19:47

When you get a dog, you commit to look after it until it dies. He made the decision along with her, to take it on. She has had sole responsibility for it up to now so really I think he is morally obligated to at least help find it another good home if not take it in.

Yes, but if he’s not been allowed to keep the dog at the time I think it’s reasonable that 8 years later that he’s not made life decisions (his job, who he married) that enable him to suddenly have the dog now. I’d expect him to be ready at any time to have residence of his children, but not a dog. His responsibility towards the dog ended when they agreed it was his ex’s.

RedRobyn2021 · 29/08/2022 20:03

I have a dog and an 18month old and it is hard looking after a dog when you have a baby/toddler.

It's not your responsibility in my opinion and I understand why you wouldn't want to

But it's sad for the dog, so I wish you would take it on.

kimchifox · 29/08/2022 20:06

I think you can say no to this. If DH is working all day he can't take care of a dog and it's unreasonable to expect you to do it. It would not be fair on the dog either, is there no one else in the family who could step in?

MissingNashville · 29/08/2022 20:06

Kids don’t get to uni age and stop caring about their dog.

If the ex works, presumably she pays doggy daycare and can continue to do so if the dog lives with you. Husband can drop off and pick up. Or if ex doesn’t work, she can still look after it in the day whilst your husband is at work.

lickenchugget · 29/08/2022 20:08

Yanbu and don’t be emotionally blackmailed into taking a dog you don’t want. Her dog, her problem.

I thought landlords were not able to insist on no pets without good reason now anyway, maybe this has not come into force yet.

aSofaNearYou · 29/08/2022 20:10

YANBU - it's clearly her responsibility at this point.

From the moral standpoint, I still wouldn't be having it. Yes it's the DSCs dog and DH might want to keep them happy but at the same time not only would it be you looking after it rather than him, but it's also your right as a parent to decide whether you are willing to have a dog in the house with a baby, which I would not be. That trumps potential upset for the older kids for me, it isn't a risk I would take.

Frlrlrubert · 29/08/2022 20:32

I'd take the dog but I'm a total soft touch when it come to animals needing homes. I once offered to take a parrot my ex got while we were together - after 15 years.

If my DH wanted the dog (and this is how we ended up with a dog in the first place) the deal would be that he walks and feeds it before and after work, so all you have to do is let it out for a wee occasionally.

But, if you don't want it you don't want it. Good on you for having firm boundaries.

RIPWalter · 29/08/2022 20:46

SpacePotato · 29/08/2022 20:01

This is you DSC pet dog, your and your DH decision on this matter will have lasting ramifications on your relationship with them, and consequently between them and their younger sibling

More emotional blackmail bullshit.
The op has said the DSC are older and leaving home anyway. They'll be off living their own lives. If they were that arsed they'd take the dog with them.

The DH won't even be there to look after the dog, so yet again the op would be stuck looking after a dog she doesn't want. It will be all on her. Why the fuck should she make that sacrifice to please his ex wife?

At 21 yo and in my first job (living in nurses accomadation so no way of having a dog there as with most housing at that age) I drove 3 hours home to say goodbye to my childhood dog who was being put to sleep aged 14 after a stroke.

It's not emotional blackmail to state that decisions in this situation are likely to have consequences.

It's a shit situation for OP to be in, but denying the emotional bond that children develop growing up with a dog and thinking it disapears the moment kids leave home is just silly.

MorganKitten · 29/08/2022 21:00

An 8 year old boxer is very unlikely to get adopted btw

Zosime · 29/08/2022 21:01

It's a shit situation for OP to be in, but denying the emotional bond that children develop growing up with a dog and thinking it disapears the moment kids leave home is just silly.

How much time do these DC spend with the dog, walking, grooming, training, generally tidying up after it? Will they be coming over to OP's house to walk the dog and spend time with it when they're not at college or university?

I don't think OP should feel obliged to say yes, but if she does, if the DSC want to keep the dog, there should be some firm commitments from them to take on a share of the work, even make a contribution, however small, to the cost.

SpacePotato · 29/08/2022 21:14

It's not emotional blackmail to state that decisions in this situation are likely to have consequences

It is emotional blackmail. The step children are adults and should therefore be mature enough to understand the situation or perhaps try to help their mother find another solution.

It's the ex's dog. It's amazing that people are telling op she's a meany for not wanting to be physically and financially tied to someone else's pet for the next 5 to 10 years because it might upset adult step children.
The DH isn't around to look after it. Why should she?

The op does not want a dog. That should be the end of it.

JacquelineCarlyle · 29/08/2022 21:15

Sounds like you've made up your mind Op & that's fair enough, as the dog isn't your DH's responsibility (so definitely not yours).

Just say no.