To think this dog isn't our/DHs responsibility?

[Dogg0]

DHs ex has a dog from when they were together. They purchased him as a puppy when they were together not long before they separated. He's about 8 now I think. Me and DH been together 6 years, married for two. We have a one year old baby together.

DH and his ex were never married but she wanted to keep the dog when they separated. DH was upset about it but agreed and she's had the dog since, he'd been with them around a year-ish before they separated. He's not really seen other than at the odd pick up for their DC, this dog since, never contributed toward it or anything like that.

Ex needs to get a new rental as her landlord is selling. She's struggling to find a rental that will take this dog and is insisting DH needs to take him as he's 'both their responsibility'.

We are not in the position for a dog. We own our house so not an issue with a landlord or anything but we have a baby, he works all day, I work part time (very part time, only 1 day a week) but I have no desire to be looking after a dog as well as a baby.

AIBU in thinking a dog is the responsibility of whoever kept it after the separation and you can't just demand it's your exes responsibility 8 years later when it doesn't work out for you? Or is this dog just always supposed to be DHs responsibility whenever she demands it despite not being able to see it really for the last 8 years.

I’d like to put a few of these posters to sleep when they still potentially have a third of their life left. Ffs. 🙄 Some humans are fucking vile.

It is your DH’s responsibility to make sure his DC are housed though, especially with 1 still under 18 I presume.

Its not DH’s responsibility to find his exW accommodation! I don’t think I have ever read anyone ever suggest this on MN either, why is the presence of a dog sending everyone crazy? He has a home for his DC, he does not have to find one for his ex.

She wanted sole ownership of the dog, and now it's her dog, not his. She needs to work harder to find a solution that enables her to keep the dog or find a loving home for it, herself. It's her dog, her commitment, her responsibility to keep looking until she finds a way, even if it requires sacrifices.

I'd suggest you could agree to keep the dog as a temporary fix, but she would probably only see that as her foot in the door and stop looking for a long-term solution.

Tricky.
I feel for the poor dog, the kids and even the ex. It’s a much loved dog.
Not sure the op should have it though, if she really doesn’t want it.

What does OP’s DH want to happen? This hasn’t been mentioned.

I totally see both sides of the issue but as a dog lover I would do my best to make it work or find a solution which doesn’t end up the the dog being PTS.

I respect the OP’s stance and clear boundaries but I think there is a lack of kindness there. The ex is in a difficult position, and the dog was once part of the DH’s family. I understand why the dog stayed with the DC and now it’s difficult for her.

The OP is not being unreasonable but I think could have a kinder approach.

Exactly—take temporarily and then have it move into the new apartment if landlords can’t prevent/evict, see if one of the children can take, regime of possible. But very cruel to just shrug and say not my problem when this dog was part of the household.

Exactly this.

I was fully prepared to agree with you that it’s absurd BUT DH has children that presumably love this dog, so it would be unfair not to take the dog if she truly can’t get another rental with it.

This has been the most entertaining thread I've read on mumsnet for ages.

Clearly, OP, there is only one possible solution here - you need to move the dog AND the ex in with you immediately. You must then do all the cooking, cleaning, looking after the dog for ever in perpetuity - all because you had the audacity to marry a man who once owned a dog.

I find it interesting that your DH finds it quite easy to decide to have the dog, probably because he isn't going to have to look after it!

Tbh I think agreeing some sort of temporary measure with the ex, including her covering costs of food etc., is the right thing to do by the dog and that your DH needs to be the person finding a way to make it work - whether through WFH certain days if he can, getting a dog walker in, getting the DC involved. If they’re late teens then the dog is their responsibility too.

Realistically the dog’s chances of finding a new home in a general rescue are slim, agree with the pp suggesting a breed specific rescue if it comes to that. If he comes to your DH in the short term then he at least has some continuity with the DC when they are with you while the ex sorts something out with her landlord.

Kinder how?

She’s not being unkind here, she’s just saying no. Which you agree in your post is reasonable of her.

The fact that it’s a boxer means it’s an elderly dog and for that reason I would take it in for its last days if she doesn’t have anyone else to take it
It's "last days" could be 3 years. And an elderly dog is probably going to cost more to insure and/or in vets bills. If the dog is likely to die soon then the emotionally blackmail of "taking the dog away from kids who love it" is less relevant surely.

@CakeCrumbs44 if the dog is likely to die soon surely the more relevant emotional argument is that the DC have presumably loved their pet for 8 years and will have no idea how it lived out it’s last days and whether he came to a comfortable end?

Always the way on here when pets are involved! There's never any shortage of people volunteering the woman, and it's always a woman, to take on the labour of looking after a pet that isn't hers, that she doesn't want and that no reasonable person could think she owed an ethical duty towards. It's laughable.

Also, the people suggesting taking the dog on as a temporary arrangement are being very naive. They, and by they I mean OP, will end up lumbered. Once the dog is in, it'll be established. XP will have a dragon of a landlord, or not want to risk her tenancy, and the teenager away at uni will be about as reliable as a teenager at uni can be expected to be in that situation. Sure, some of them might turn up for walks but that's about it, and only in the best case scenario. It'll be OP lumbered with most of the shitwork, literally, and he'll cost money they already don't really have. In this situation, OP and DH would be stupid to take the dog in unless they knew and were fine with it being a permanent arrangement.

I really don't understand how PP can say it's of no relevance whether or not I want it! It's my house as well! And of course I have the final say if I'm the one who'll be at home with it all day.

We can't afford dog daycare or dog walkers everyday, no DH can't just magically swap his job around so he's here everyday. It'll be me, the one who's at home, cleaning up after it, walking it, taking into the vets.

And that's not even mentioning the money an old dog starts costing as they become unwell and elderly.

PPs asked what DH thinks. DH would be happy to have the dog. But surely the person who doesn't want it gets the last say as with every other dog or pet or even baby thread I've read on here?

Also I'm not heartless as a PP so kindly said. I've owned pets before and loved them dearly. But our life isn't set up for one right now time wise, with a baby or even financially hence why we don't have one.

Not your responsibility. But does your DH have children with her? Are they/ your DH bonded to the dog? Could a temporary option, where she take him for regular walks etc until she finds somewhere where she can take the dog sorted?

It's ok, OP. I'm sure all the people here who are outraged on behalf of the dog will offer to take, house, feed, and walk it, then nurse it in its old-age and pay all its vet bills etc.

Fuck that, op! You don't need to list reasons. She'll have to get rid of it she can't look after it. Stand your ground.

She needs to find a rental that will take her dog and your dh needs to tell her that.

You are in a very difficult situation though. I assume your dsc are strongly bonded to this dog? Or perhaps not? There could easily be a mega rift over this. Plenty of teens would never speak to you ever again if they thought that you could have stopped their dog being taken away but didn’t. I look after my dog all the time so am well aware of the other side of this - that everything would fall on you and it would completely change your life. Therefore the best thing to do it for dh to tell ex that she must find a rental that will take the dog.

The key point here is that you have a one year old baby. Dogs and babies do not mix. I know I'll get flamed for saying that but you don't get a dog if you have a baby. Sometimes you can't avoid the other way round.

It's up to your DH's ex to find a landlord who will take a dog, or find a different solution.

I’d take the dog. It’s a family dog, wouldn’t want to explain that to the kids….

I can see your point in that your husband is not obligated to take the dog, it’s become HER sole dog over the past six years or so. But I feel very sorry for the dog, the children (grown up or not) and your husband, who lost the dog because of his first wife, and now has to lose it again because of his second. And it’s not as though she’s just got bored of the dog after a few years, she’s only wanting him to have it because she’s not allowed to keep it.

id tell her to ask everyone else she knows first. But I’d not let the dog go to rescue. I’d also be asking amongst my friends to try and find a good home.

If either of the teens at their age get pissed off because OP declines to introduce an elderly dog into a home with a baby and take on all the shitwork that would inevitably involve, they deserve a few home truths.

One kid is an adult the other an older teen. They are perfectly capable of understanding why OP cannot have the dog.

So many people fretting about a dog and so few for the baby and OP.