FIL expects me to serve his son

[Daisypowers]

Because I don't wait around on DP hand and foot like a 1950s housewife, FIL (69) thinks I'm lazy and a bad girlfriend. Whenever I'm there (this weekend for example) he will make little comments now and then. This weekend DP wanted to clean his walking boots in the garden, and FIL said 'oh maybe Daisypowers can do that for you' and gestured to me. Another time DP said he was going to make himself a sandwich after playing tennis and FIL said 'Daisypowers can do that for you, have a rest.' At the time I'd just sat down in the garden with a cup of tea to read my book after doing the food shop for everyone and deheading MIL's rose bushes because she's got a bad shoulder.

Me and DP are 35, both working full time, no kids, and do an equal share of everything domestically at home. DP perfectly capable of making a sandwich for himself. Both MIL and FIL quite old fashioned and MIL does absolutely everything for FIL - all the cooking, cleaning, puts out clothes for him to wear every morning, packs his suitcase for him when he goes on holiday etc. Should I say something? Really annoys me.

Tell him your not his mother

It a generation thing.
Dont rise to it.Ignore.
Sweet smile..'I am sure he will cope.'...and ignore.
Rinse and repeat....
FIL is just bekng 'the man of the house'.
You do you.....

🤣
hilarious! I wouldn’t be able to hold in a laugh out loud at comments like this!
How do you keep a straight face?

I would be extremely disappointed in this situation if my partner did not take it upon himself to challenge this kind of sexist comment. Failing that, though, I would challenge it myself. Nicely at first...I would probably just ask FIL why he thinks I should do things for his adult son, when he is perfectly capable of doing those things for himself.

Does your DP not say anything when his father makes these comments?

This. Why on earth hasn't your partner pulled him up on it?

Just say ‘DP is perfectly capable of cleaning his own boots/making his own sandwich, FIL. Maybe you should take a leaf from his book.’

The FIL is only 69!!! More than old enough to know that this isn't reasonable. My 85yo father wouldn't dream of making such sexist remarks.

I would have to say something. Maybe just turn it back on him and say "If he can't make his own sandwiches maybe you could do it for him FIL?". Or just a blunt "I'm not here to clean his boots, thanks".

I can’t believe you haven’t said anything already. Or laughed in his face.

Don’t rise to it, just say “He’s a grown man, I’m sure he can manage”.

Or - when FIL suggests that you clean his boots say “I’ll clean his if he cleans mine”

Just say, ‘Why?’

If my FIL said any of those comments to me I’d genuinely be unable to keep a straight face. Neither could DH.

I’d be tempted to comment, “The 1950s called, they want their advice back” or such likes. If he protested I’d simply explain that as it’s not the 1950s you do in fact have a full time job and do not therefore have a leisurely day to relax until your DP comes home.

'ha ha yeah good one <thumbs up> did you hear that DP, your dad said I could clean your boots, what's he like eh' etc etc

For the record, it's not a fucking "generation thing".
Stop with the ageism fgs.
It's a op fil thing.

I'd be so tempted to say something rude, like "oh no, FIL, don't worry, DH isn't a sexist twat like you are". But I would be more restrained in real life!!

Tell him you aren't the maid.

Life’s too short
yes they should know better
But some people never change, just smile sweetly and reply “I could but he’s perfectly capable to do so”
as long as your partner doesn’t changes his behaviour when he’s with them, just repeat until they get the hint that’s not happening

When I first met my OH of ~20 years, my very traditional MiL (who is really very lovely, I promise!) could be a bit like this, but I just laughed.

My personal favourite being the evening that we had had dinner with the ILs (we hadn't been together long at this time - maybe about a year?) and OH mentioned that we had to go home, because he had to iron his shirts for the week ahead. MiL said "Doesn't AffIt do that for you?"

(For context, I'm 43 and grew up in a household where chores of all kinds were very definitely equally distributed, especially past the age of about 12 - 'if you need it, you do it'. The OH and I don't have kids and equally Important Big Jobs.)

I genuinely burst out laughing and said 'As long as OH has hands at the end of his arms, he does his own ironing!'

She was initially a bit taken aback, but she's got used to me (and I'm not sure where this expectation came from, because my OH and his brothers all came fully house-trained and completely competent, so they were certainly raised properly).

Just continue to not do it and laugh, is my advice.

It's not "a generational thing" my granddad is almost 20 years older than OPS FIL and certainly isn't a misogynistic twat.

Challenge it op, every single time. It's exhausting but after 7 years of challenging the sexism in DHs family they finally realise that we will not tolerate it.

I'd ask him why he thought his son was incapable of basic tasks,

Of course it isn't a ' generation thing'.
DH is in his late 70s and wouldn't dream of wanting a personal servant like this
It's a misogynist entitled fucker thing

It’s just the dynamic in their house. I wouldn’t take any offence. My mum & dad are the same. She does everything at home. And he does his “jobs”. For example, my mum
has never paid a bill ok her life.
It does annoy me when I’m there & also expected to wait on Dad & BIL. My DH hates it, and encourages me against this patriarchal set-up. But, it is what it is...

I don't know anyone who would think it was ok to say this and I know plenty of people older than 69!

The only person Ive ever met who would say this sort of thing was just completely misogynistic in every way, so much so that he was a laughing stock and no one liked him at all.