FIL expects me to serve his son

[Daisypowers]

Because I don't wait around on DP hand and foot like a 1950s housewife, FIL (69) thinks I'm lazy and a bad girlfriend. Whenever I'm there (this weekend for example) he will make little comments now and then. This weekend DP wanted to clean his walking boots in the garden, and FIL said 'oh maybe Daisypowers can do that for you' and gestured to me. Another time DP said he was going to make himself a sandwich after playing tennis and FIL said 'Daisypowers can do that for you, have a rest.' At the time I'd just sat down in the garden with a cup of tea to read my book after doing the food shop for everyone and deheading MIL's rose bushes because she's got a bad shoulder.

Me and DP are 35, both working full time, no kids, and do an equal share of everything domestically at home. DP perfectly capable of making a sandwich for himself. Both MIL and FIL quite old fashioned and MIL does absolutely everything for FIL - all the cooking, cleaning, puts out clothes for him to wear every morning, packs his suitcase for him when he goes on holiday etc. Should I say something? Really annoys me.

It very much is a generational thing. Fact. Just how things have changed and FIL’s views were mainstream decades ago.
Not everyone of course of FIL generation thinks like that and I’m sure there are people of younger generations who also think like that.
But generally speaking, yes, it’s a generational thing.

You can't change his attitude but you can make it clear it isn't acceptable in your life, and make sure your partner backs this. Whether you bite back or smile and nod is up to you.

My own dad is 75 and has never fully accepted the fact that I'm the main wage earner in my marriage and that DH does far more household stuff than me. What he has finally understood is that he can't expect me not to disagree when he trots out 1955 style advice.

It’s really not. My dad is 69 and has always pulled his weight around the house equally - in fact did the heavy lifting for years while my mum worked in a high pressure job.

I’d be saying every time he suggested that,, that his son is more than capable of doing it himself. Just rebuff any suggestion.

@Daisypowers that’s horrible, I feel very sorry for your MiL. It’s great that your husband calls him out on it, keep an eye out for your MiL too, that sounds pretty close to abuse rather than simple “tradition”.

I’d be tempted to quip back at him playfully tbh, something like “well when DP gets old and helpless like you of course I’ll help him, I mean I’m not a monster, but for now he’s still young and strong enough to do things for himself”

I think most of the posters offering suggestions for witty responses are giving bad advice. FIL may be trying to wind up OP, or he may be serious, but either way, engaging with his views gives them more airtime, and gives him more attention than he deserves.

OP does not need to respond, as the remarks are not addressed to her. I actually think her DH should just carry on as if FIL hadn't spoken. Just treat him as if he doesn't exist, when he's being obnoxious.

Same thing. Sexism was very widely practiced and accepted 50 years ago. Doesn’t mean everyone was / is like that of course but it’s factually correct to say that sexist views were very common and far more socially accepted compared to today.

sexism isn’t a generational thing!

my dad is in his seventies and isn’t a sexist, rude pig!

call it out - every single time.

It is not a generation thing, my Dad would be 74 if he was still alive and would have thought OP FIL was a knob.

'Generational thing' or not, my grandparents, parents and PIL would never disrespect me in the way that your FIL does. They wouldn't dream of it. The people I'm talking about range in ages between 50 and 90 so they are very much part of the 'generation' pps refer to.

Ffs, your FIL is nasty. Treating you with disrespect like this. A FIL should be like a father IMO and not treat you like a slave. I would seriously be considering never seeing him again if I was you.

OP you need to get to a point of indifference where you can laugh it off, and politely tell him to get stuffed.

My friend had this. The MIL absolutely shocked that her son was doing his own ironing!!

It took her years of fruitless annoyance and frustration. After a long time she eventually got to indifference and eye rolled at her ridiculous MIL.

It is not a generational thing for someone of 69. Cyndi Lauper, , Pierce Brosnan, Chaka Kahn are all 69. I am 64 and would consider anyone around my age talking like this to be a misogynistic twat. And “old” cuts me to the quick.

FIL's views were indeed mainstream "decades ago", but more decades ago than can excuse him at 69. Equality really is not a new concept, and he cannot claim ignorance.

Do you think that there are no younger men who are sexist? What's your excuse for them?

At 69, it is categorically not a "generational thing". It's just sexism, pure and simple.

I think it is FIL attempts to make himself feel better for his wife who does everything for him. My FIL found it difficult understanding that his boys wives both work and one earns more than his son, He and his wife defined the womans worth on the state of the house. When my SIL and I got a cleaner it was still questioned and tipped his poor wife over the edge as in truth she could have done the same

This man became a father in the late eighties - not the 1950s ffs!!

he was in the working work probably until fairly recently.

he is only 69 - could have retired five years ago.

why are people taking as if he has just stepped out of the mad man era?

I work with men his age. They don’t expect women to make the tea and take minutes in meetings!

this thread is bizarre

Very sexist of him to say only women should do domestic chores. We are living in 2022 not 1922.

He’s not your father-in-law so you can give even less of a shit about what he thinks than you would an actual FIL.

perhaps he just thinks you are lazy?

Is it though? My parents were well into their 80s and we're never this way. My dad never expected mum to wait on him and they shared chores equally.

"don't be a twat Derrick"

It's nothing to do with age!
My husband is in his 70' and wouldn't dream of saying something like that.that he pulls his weight and always has. In fact, if anything he does more housework than I do.

Yes clearly he thinks the OP is lazy. He thinks any woman who doesn’t live to meet a man’s needs is lazy. What is your point?

perhaps he just thinks you are lazy?

How is not cleaning her bloke's boots for him 'lazy'? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

This is NOT a generation thing, fuck me. I am in the age group as the MIL and FIL and I have never, ever put out clothes for my DP to wear and always attempted to share the domestic duties when we both worked full time, with varying degrees of success I admit, but I didn't just roll over and do everything.

“I wouldn’t insult him by treating him like an imbecile, DFIL. He is a strong and capable grown man and is well able to make his own sandwiches/clean his own boots. I respect him too much to baby him.”

I'd just be tempted to say "oh haha FIL, I think you must have mistaken me for the maid". Or "I'm surprised MIL hadn't left you by now with that attitude". Or "It's lucky for me you brought up a man who is capable of making a sandwich". Tinkly laugh.