FIL expects me to serve his son

[Daisypowers]

Because I don't wait around on DP hand and foot like a 1950s housewife, FIL (69) thinks I'm lazy and a bad girlfriend. Whenever I'm there (this weekend for example) he will make little comments now and then. This weekend DP wanted to clean his walking boots in the garden, and FIL said 'oh maybe Daisypowers can do that for you' and gestured to me. Another time DP said he was going to make himself a sandwich after playing tennis and FIL said 'Daisypowers can do that for you, have a rest.' At the time I'd just sat down in the garden with a cup of tea to read my book after doing the food shop for everyone and deheading MIL's rose bushes because she's got a bad shoulder.

Me and DP are 35, both working full time, no kids, and do an equal share of everything domestically at home. DP perfectly capable of making a sandwich for himself. Both MIL and FIL quite old fashioned and MIL does absolutely everything for FIL - all the cooking, cleaning, puts out clothes for him to wear every morning, packs his suitcase for him when he goes on holiday etc. Should I say something? Really annoys me.

I am 68 and never thought it was my job to run around doing menial stuff for men

My mum is 83 and never thought this either! She did used to clean everyones shoes in the house - with my granddad!

Like a pp I didn't care what my FIL thought about things either. However, I would expect my partner/DH to step in if the in-laws were being unreasonable, just as I would with my mother if she was.

Just laugh shake your head and go “old people, what are you like” quiet but loud enough so he can hear. Caveat I think this a sexism thing rather than an age thing, but it’ll piss him off.

Whilst it’s good to see so many people denounce ageism against older people, it’s a shame that posters are mostly silent when the ageism is directed at younger people.

All this. DP needs to step up. And if he doesn’t I’d give them both a wake up call!

I'd laugh and say 'fat chance!'

Yes DP says to him all the time that we're in the 2020s now and my job isn't running around after him. DP has often been embarrassed about myogynist things he says and calls him out directly every time. He will never care or change though, I understand that.

But honestly I think he does it to wind us up or to try and assert his authority about how things should be. Man of the house, as a previous poster said.

My dad's 92 and wouldn't dream of uttering such tripe. It's not an 'old people' thing ffs.

I would thoroughly enjoy winding up this caveman by being utterly useless and getting my partner to wait on me.

It's a generational thing

At 69 he's only 8 years older than my parents... and my mum divorced my dad for being a lazy sod. He now splits the housework with his girlfriend of the same age.
So no, age is not an excuse. For the generation above them, maybe, but not 69 year olds.

It a generation thing

No it is not.

OP's FIL is 69, born 1953.
By the time he was 20, feminism/ Womens Lib was in full swing.

I'm older than him and don't know any married man of our generation who expects (or gets!) that level of spouse servitude.

If DP regularly challenges it and you think he's saying it to wind you up, I think I would just laugh and say, "did you mean to sound so sexist?". Or maybe, "oh dear, did you mean to sound like a dinosaur?"

Your DP needs to set his father straight. Why doesn't he?

It’s not a generation thing at all. I was born in 1953, just like Fil and it would never occur to me to behave like him. It’s a lazy bastard, misogynist thing.

Or why doesn't it work, I guess?

If it's an obvious attempt at a wind up, just ignore. Don't dignify it with a response.

My mum asks me if I need to get home to make my husband some lunch every time we go anywhere. No, I don't.

What really annoys me about my mum is she didn't used to be like this. She went to university. She had a good job. She's always earned far more than my dad. Chores used to be evenly split. But, over the years, my mum has turned into his bloody slave!

Unfortunately this is a good point, particularly if he is remaining silent in the face of such rudeness.

69 is not an excuse for this.

It is when children come along that it can rear its head.

I think you should not dismiss this.

Our childhood conditioning can be very strong.

I would not want to be around such rudeness and I would judge your partners silence in the face of it.

Show him up by saying things like "DP isn't a child, he's more than capable of doing xyz himself" or "men these days actually have the skills to do xyz, unlike your generation".

Men like that only care about their masculinity, so emphasise the fact that there is nothing whatsoever that is virile or masculine about acting like a helpless child who can't do anything.

Or just turn it into a joke, eg. say to him "nah, that's your job, he's your son" and chuck him a tea towel.

But honestly I think he does it to wind us up or to try and assert his authority about how things should be. Man of the house, as a previous poster said.

Ugh. What an ass. In that case I’d just laugh it off every time. Right up to the edge of open mockery. I’d also spend a lot less time with him.

I think it's really for your DP to say something. This is rather insulting to him as well as you; it is basically treating him as if he were a small child who can't do things for himself and needs mothering.

My mil is a bit like this.

I'm certain that she thinks I'm incredibly lazy because she waits on fil hand and foot. He doesn't even pack his own swimming kit.

If I go to make a drink or get something for one of the dc that's fine, but if dh doesn't then mil will jump in and offer to do it because her poor baby must be tired.

She will pointedly ask me questions such as "I bet YOUVE got lots of washing to do Sunnyday", "I bet you'll be doing some housework Sunnyday".

I would say it's a generation thing but parents in law are only in their early 60s. My parents are older and realise that life doesn't work like that.

Break it with flattery... tell him that they did such a good job of his upbringing that he knows how to things for himself.

Or maybe I'd say laugh and say something like "it's a good job I think your ds is more capable than you seem to...I could never respect a man who expected a woman to wait on him".

I do not spend time with people who are toxic, rude or stupid. Your FIL is all three. Hell would freeze over before I sat there like a lemon letting this arsehole speak to me like that. I'd be telling your partner he can visit on his own from now on.

Looks like he does, but his father is ignoring him.

A couple of things. Him thinking sexist stuff is pretty much par for the course, sexism is still rife. Him saying it is demeaning, controlling, a put down and a power play and he well knows it. He says this stuff to put you in your place. Know that about him and act accordingly.