FIL expects me to serve his son

[Daisypowers]

Because I don't wait around on DP hand and foot like a 1950s housewife, FIL (69) thinks I'm lazy and a bad girlfriend. Whenever I'm there (this weekend for example) he will make little comments now and then. This weekend DP wanted to clean his walking boots in the garden, and FIL said 'oh maybe Daisypowers can do that for you' and gestured to me. Another time DP said he was going to make himself a sandwich after playing tennis and FIL said 'Daisypowers can do that for you, have a rest.' At the time I'd just sat down in the garden with a cup of tea to read my book after doing the food shop for everyone and deheading MIL's rose bushes because she's got a bad shoulder.

Me and DP are 35, both working full time, no kids, and do an equal share of everything domestically at home. DP perfectly capable of making a sandwich for himself. Both MIL and FIL quite old fashioned and MIL does absolutely everything for FIL - all the cooking, cleaning, puts out clothes for him to wear every morning, packs his suitcase for him when he goes on holiday etc. Should I say something? Really annoys me.

There were very few second marriages in the 70s because there were far fewer divorces. The divorce rate peaked in the 90s and is now falling again, presumably because fewer people are getting married.

You can respond without ‘biting’. Just enough to make him unhappy about the outcome of his comment. ‘Goodness if he can’t make his own sandwich at 35 I may as well put him straight into the nursing home’ and I’d spend the rest of the week mentioning nursing homes for Dh. ‘Clean his boots? Oh they’ll do that for you at the nursing home. Or maybe not, you probably won’t need them. Do you think the charity shop would take them?’

Hi OP, I've just read your posts and my situation with in laws was very similar. My MIL died a good few years ago, and I was pretty much expected to step into her domestic place! Ha.... that did not happen, I offered to help with getting cleaners etc and that was rejected as not good enough, then I was expected to help with care. Again I offered to help organise carers. That did not happen either. If FIL wanted me to help out he shouldn't have consistently and constantly treated me with disdain over the entirety of our relationship..

I did help my DH out with things he needed support with, but this was indirect rather than directly. if you do have kids... In my experience they may treat grandsons and granddaughters differently, but it sounds like you already know about that. Hopefully you won't be in the position as the only "female" in the family expected to fix all the caring and cleaning roles, but it could happen.

I tried for over 20 years to fight against this attitude, and I got nowhere. I tried to get to know them/him and I offered opportunity after opportunity for them to get to know me. I was not viewed as worthwhile in their/his eyes. It is a difficult and ingrained attitude that meant I was not seen as a person in my own right. I wish I could go back and put that wasted energy somewhere more worthwhile. Life is short and you shouldn't spend too much of it thinking of, or being with, people who aren't interested in anything but what you could or should be doing.

OP you know you are not being unreasonable so why are you not using your voice? Why are you not laughing at these idiots? Who cares if it causes an atmosphere? You do not have to tolerate this.

Their feelings are not more important than yours.

I would be seeing a lot less of them if they don’t rein it in.