FIL expects me to serve his son

[Daisypowers]

Because I don't wait around on DP hand and foot like a 1950s housewife, FIL (69) thinks I'm lazy and a bad girlfriend. Whenever I'm there (this weekend for example) he will make little comments now and then. This weekend DP wanted to clean his walking boots in the garden, and FIL said 'oh maybe Daisypowers can do that for you' and gestured to me. Another time DP said he was going to make himself a sandwich after playing tennis and FIL said 'Daisypowers can do that for you, have a rest.' At the time I'd just sat down in the garden with a cup of tea to read my book after doing the food shop for everyone and deheading MIL's rose bushes because she's got a bad shoulder.

Me and DP are 35, both working full time, no kids, and do an equal share of everything domestically at home. DP perfectly capable of making a sandwich for himself. Both MIL and FIL quite old fashioned and MIL does absolutely everything for FIL - all the cooking, cleaning, puts out clothes for him to wear every morning, packs his suitcase for him when he goes on holiday etc. Should I say something? Really annoys me.

I'm amazed at how many people think you should keep quiet or laugh it off. The people saying it's a generational thing are also being ridiculous. He's only in his 60s! I would be putting him very straight.

I agree with @Lighthillthunderstorms010 that you should keep an eye on MIL.

I disagree that it’s generational thing. Rude chauvinistic twats can be any age in my experience.

I agree. It's not a generation thing - we're your inlaws' generation and my DH does as much domestic stuff as me. My FIL is 93 and does loads around the house.

Just laugh every time he says something about you waiting on his son, and tell him not to be so ridiculous.

How old-fashioned!!

Your DP should say something. Not you. Tell your DP how much it annoys you - by the sound of it you're on the same page. So next time FIL suggests to your DP that he put his feet up while you make him a sandwich, your DP should simply say: "I can look after myself perfectly well, thanks Dad, no need for Daisypowers to do it for me."

I'm amazed at how many people think you should keep quiet or laugh it off.

I second this. It's mind boggling to me, to just sit there and accept being talked to like that. Not a chance.

Or, “Do you think he needs someone do make a sandwich? How on earth did you manage to raise a man to adulthood without teaching him to make a sandwich? Do you think he’s an imbecile?’”

Very irritating. I couldroll my eyes at qn expectation that I make the occasional meal.

But "clean his boots" !!! That seems like an expression of his belief that your place is beneath his son.
Hard not to react. So rude. Good luck ignoring him

bloocks
you dont know that!

perhaps he specifically thinks the op is lazy, rather than any woman
some people are like that towards people who are sitting reading a book

It's not a generation thing. My dad is ten years older than that and he always split the housework 50:50 with my mum. It's pure misogyny and entitlement to expect a woman to be a servant to her husband or partner.

In that case, laughing AT him every time he says something stupid like this is the way to deal with it.

In 1973 when FIL was 20, so you know how many women worked when they had children? Do you know how many women gage up work. Were expected to give up work when they got pregnant?
Do you know how many women in the 1970’s were fully expected to run around after their husband and warm his slippers before he came home to dinner on the table?
Far more than you realise. 1973 seems not long ago in some ways but the world was still a very different place with very different views and public opinion.
Those saying ‘my father or FIL is that age or older and doesn’t think this -Great! That’s fab but they would have been in the minority in 1973 and many peoples views haven’t changed with the times since then.

i dont actually believe a man of 69 would be that sexist,
i wonder if the op is just giving off a lazy air which gets on his nerves,
or perhaps he is joking
what does your dp say to his remarks op?

I get what you’re saying @dianthus101 but as he’s DH’s close family and has already been told repeatedly to stop, then isn’t the next option to really escalate? I’d prefer to avoid him rather than cause a huge row. Not because I avoid confrontation but because it’s hard to come back from big family rows.

If he were that traditional he would be telling his son it's high time he put a ring on your finger (not assuming you want that!)

Or is it just the crappy bits of misogynistic traditions he likes?

My mom was genuinely shocked that my sister and I didn't iron our OHs shirts for work 😂 I just explained about us all working full time, my sisters reaction was very much like yours 😁 it was just alien to her for a man to iron, but growing up my parents roles were very 'traditional' I guess!

Yes its a power play.

Laugh. Exchange a knowing look with your partner.

Say "that gag is funnier every time you do it." Or similar.

I think he wants the rise, he wants the feminist lecture he wants to know he’s got under OP’s skin. OP’s best bet is to make sure he knows that she doesn’t care what he thinks. Sometimes dismissiveness is the best weapon against men like this. They can’t abide being dismissed or laughed at by a woman.

Personally I think he’s vile and would just stop going to his house, but if OP gets angry or has a serious chat he’ll just use that to laugh at her and wind her up a bit more, you can only have serious conversations when the other party is listening in good faith. It would be a pointless waste of OP’s breath.

Nah, my FIL is 75 and would never say anything like that.

I reckon this is a cultural + generational thing.

My grandad is the same age and has the same view, my parents are in their 50s and the same, my stepdad won’t even make his own breakfast and recently had to ask my mum (his wife!) how much sugar she has in coffee. They are all working class (probably toward the lower end of wc if I’m honest), lots of domestic violence, benefits, construction type jobs - lots of girls I went to school with are still exactly the same, stay at home with the kids on a Sunday cooking while the men are at the pub - it’s baffling to me.
My mum does at least question it when she comes out with some sexist crap - the men are perfectly happy obviously!

My grandad once had a go at me because I met my mum in the pub for lunch and had left my kids at home… with my husband. Because he’s ‘been at work all f*ing week!’… it didn’t occur to him that I had also been at work all week!!

but they would have been in the minority in 1973 and many peoples views haven’t changed with the times since then

They weren’t in the minority in 1973. I was married in 1972, nobody I knew then ran round after their blokes any more than sensible women do now. Listen to those of us who were there because you obviously weren’t.

It's not à generational thing. My DH is 62 and perfectly capable of cleaning his stuff and making his lunch. You have an arse for a FIL.

I agree with those who think it’s deliberate.

I would ignore and go there less. If I was in a bad mood I might say something along the lines “Oh, I have no idea how to make a sandwich/sweep the floor/do the laundry/etc. I’ve always had a man to do that for me.”

My MIL was a 1950s housewife and she certainly didn't behave/neither her husband, like this.

MIL's only bone of contention was washing up. As dishwashers started to become more commonplace, MIL asked for one but FIL refused. So she said that she wouldn't wash dishes. His response was to do all the washing up, every day until , nearly, his end of days, not that long ago, by which time she couldn't as she had dementia.

It's not a generational thing, many men of that age are not like that & some young men are. It's a misogyny thing & when you find excuses for such behaviour, you are encouraging it.

My MIL brought up all her sons to be self-sufficient thank the gods. She tore BIL3 a new one when he told - not asked - his girlfriend to make him a sandwich. She'd just got in from work and he'd been off all day doing nothing but gaming.