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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Massive row about money

174 replies

ExCoffeeAddict · 29/08/2022 08:45

’d’h and I have been together 14 years married for 10 1dc

until around 6 months ago all money went into one pot where all bills and spendings came from and we set money aside for savings. But I never seemed to have any money doing this. I felt like I had no control over what I could buy myself because I never really knew if something was pending payment or there was an unexpected bill etc whereas H was able to blow £££ on nights out golf trips etc so I had enough and we agreed to split our money so now we pay x amount into a joking account for bills the rest is our own

key point is H pays more into the pot than me but he technically should also have slightly more left over for himself

last night h was saying he has no money left it’s 2 weeks till payday but I have a few hundred £ and he was so angry saying I don’t contribute enough to our savings and that I was taking the piss to have £££ in my account when he has none

I have been careful with my money that’s not all left from my last wage I don’t spend every penny I get every month and I knew I needed some extra money for a trip next week that I’m having with dc

he said I don’t put enough into savings for holiday- but over the last 2 months I have paid out £1200 towards holiday costs

maybe a massive reach(?) but I feel that now he doesn’t have full control over the money he’s still trying to have control? He was really really angry and I don’t actually think I’ve done anything wrong here

long story short- I pay my pre agreed amount towards bills and living costs each month and have also contributed £1200 over the last 2 months towards holiday savings so Aibu to think I shouldn’t be shouted at by dh in regards to not contributing?

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 29/08/2022 08:50

Why don't you put all money in a joint pot, pay the bills, do the household shop, put aside money for DC expenses, put money in savings etc. Then whatever is left is split equally between you and is transferred into your own accounts for personal use.

Maybe your DH should spend some of his share on a budgeting course.

Jarstastic · 29/08/2022 08:51

I don’t know the answer for your situation. but we have recently implemented YNAB and it has been a game changer. You can always see how much money you have because you account for things that haven’t left the bank account. We have all credit cards and bank accounts synced up so every single thing is accounted for.

Blobblobblob · 29/08/2022 08:52

He's a muppet who pisses money away. Stick to your guns.

KangarooKenny · 29/08/2022 08:53

He sounds crap at money so you need to protect your own. You should put an amount in to pay bills related to how much you earn. If he’s spent his then that’s his problem.
Id be wary of having any joint account with him other than the one the bills are going out of.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 29/08/2022 08:55

I think you need to open your own a/c, OP, and start squirreling some cash away. It sound like you might need it...

Heladen · 29/08/2022 08:57

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Darkness22 · 29/08/2022 09:03

It's madness after so many years together. Dh earns 4x what I do, but all money into one pot. Spreadsheet fir EVERYTHING. It only needs tweaking each month e.g. a bday present, DIY project. You can put savings on it, credit card payments, kids stuff. Then what's left is split in half and goes into our own bank accounts. This is your money and you do what you want with it. It has been brilliant for us. I was used to being a poor student and dh was used to having a constant couple of hundred on the go for the pub and football. It was never going to work!!!

NoSquirrels · 29/08/2022 09:06

maybe a massive reach(?) but I feel that now he doesn’t have full control over the money he’s still trying to have control? He was really really angry and I don’t actually think I’ve done anything wrong here

Not a massive reach at all.

He used to spend money on himself and you never got to spend anything.

Now you’re saving your portion, and he’s pissed he can’t spend it.

He’s an arsehole.

Boredsoentertainme · 29/08/2022 09:07

Op you’re doing the right thing, good for you, he’s been spending your wages on himself and now he can’t do it any more he’s pissed, stick to your guns,.

Original poster
ExCoffeeAddict · 29/08/2022 09:08

thanks for your replies

if I’m honest I don’t want to share money with him

we have had a few arguments before where he just talks to me in the most horrible way and then the next day tries to just say ‘sorry’ and that’s just expected to be forgotten he’s tried this today but I didn’t want to speak to him

I don’t want to share money with him and to pp who said squirrel money away yes your right I should be creating a fund for myself

OP posts:
Believeinyou · 29/08/2022 09:08

sounds like he's pissed off because he doesn't have access to your half of the disposable income - having been previously used to more than his fair share.

What's he spent his on? if it's joint expenses then i'd consider pooling some of mine but if it's not then tough luck - he needs to adjust

littlepeas · 29/08/2022 09:10

So he used to spend all your earnings on himself and is now disgruntled that you would like some of it? He sounds financially abusive tbh, alongside being utterly crap with organising money.

LadyLapsang · 29/08/2022 09:10

Has he explained how he has spent the money and why he thinks he needs a top up?

JADS · 29/08/2022 09:12

Yanbu He's got used to spending the lion's share of the money on himself and now he can't. We have always done what you do now and it works great.

I think you need to start a savings fund though. He doesn't sound very nice.

Catch21 · 29/08/2022 09:13

Basically beforehand you were subsidising his spending. Now you're not any more, so he finds himself with less. He perhaps didn't realise that you were, so this is a bit of a shock for him. He has no right to get angry though. Stick to your guns OP!

38daystogo · 29/08/2022 09:13

How much more is he paying for bills than you?

Sit down and write down what each of you have spent after bills. Without figures we can't advise.

maddening · 29/08/2022 09:16

NuffSaidSam · 29/08/2022 08:50

Why don't you put all money in a joint pot, pay the bills, do the household shop, put aside money for DC expenses, put money in savings etc. Then whatever is left is split equally between you and is transferred into your own accounts for personal use.

Maybe your DH should spend some of his share on a budgeting course.

This is how it should work imo

Beautiful3 · 29/08/2022 09:16

But you both kept your left money, right? So he had a few hundred, but spent it all on golf and a night out? Is that what happened? If so, how can he be mad with you?! You've just saved yours up! Would he still be mad if you had spent all of yours, with just £30 to spare?!

Foldingchair · 29/08/2022 09:17

We do it the opposite way round. Each of us has our own money, but we put an agreed amount into the family account for bills and kid stuff. When I was on mat leave, the mat money went in. Now I earn more than dh, I pay more in than him.

Threelittlelambs · 29/08/2022 09:18

I think you were unreasonable to tell him how much you have left - what you should’ve done is ask him if he needed help finding out where his money had gone.

We do what you do, share bills and own accounts - always have done, can’t understand how you’d make a joint account work when one is a spender or earns more etc.

KyaClark · 29/08/2022 09:18

So he's spent all of his and now thinks he should have yours because you've saved yours and it's "not fair" you've got more?

That's some bullshit child logic right there.

Boredsoentertainme · 29/08/2022 09:19

NuffSaidSam · 29/08/2022 08:50

Why don't you put all money in a joint pot, pay the bills, do the household shop, put aside money for DC expenses, put money in savings etc. Then whatever is left is split equally between you and is transferred into your own accounts for personal use.

Maybe your DH should spend some of his share on a budgeting course.

Did you not read it, this is what they are basically doing, he now wants her disposable income too as he has spent his

Help87 · 29/08/2022 09:19

If what you have recently implemented means you pay a % of bills and joint costs according to salary. I.e if you earned 25k and he earned 50k, he'd pay 66% and you'd pay 33%, that's fair. Clearly for years he's been subsidising his lifestyle with your salary and spending more than he earns himself and now he's annoyed he can't do it anymore, well he'll have to get used to it won't he!

Isaidnoalready · 29/08/2022 09:21

How much has he put into savings these last two months?

itsgettingweird · 29/08/2022 09:21

He's taken advantage of the fact you've allowed him to spend more than his fat share of excess funds up until recently.

Clearly as a couple your finances weren't worked out well because you didn't spend in case and he spent because you didn't.

You are absolutely right that personal spends should be equal and I'd bet my own savings on yours also get spent on your DC too where as his don't.

He's now got to adjust his spending to take into account your a family and the equality that should bring.

I'd be getting him to show you using figures his case of why he should have more. Get him to show you why he needs more and you do the same.

It's possible once he realises how much more you spend on dc and less on yourself (golf etc) and show him how he gets this free time because you have dc (which saves childcare costs for these extras) he can see that your childcare contributions for a child you share equally make up that difference in what you put in.

And if he's still a total twat about it and he is financially abusive you can show him how you will manage alone from now on and he can spend his money on himself however he wants after maintenance is paid!