Massive row about money

[ExCoffeeAddict]

’d’h and I have been together 14 years married for 10 1dc

until around 6 months ago all money went into one pot where all bills and spendings came from and we set money aside for savings. But I never seemed to have any money doing this. I felt like I had no control over what I could buy myself because I never really knew if something was pending payment or there was an unexpected bill etc whereas H was able to blow £££ on nights out golf trips etc so I had enough and we agreed to split our money so now we pay x amount into a joking account for bills the rest is our own

key point is H pays more into the pot than me but he technically should also have slightly more left over for himself

last night h was saying he has no money left it’s 2 weeks till payday but I have a few hundred £ and he was so angry saying I don’t contribute enough to our savings and that I was taking the piss to have £££ in my account when he has none

I have been careful with my money that’s not all left from my last wage I don’t spend every penny I get every month and I knew I needed some extra money for a trip next week that I’m having with dc

he said I don’t put enough into savings for holiday- but over the last 2 months I have paid out £1200 towards holiday costs

maybe a massive reach(?) but I feel that now he doesn’t have full control over the money he’s still trying to have control? He was really really angry and I don’t actually think I’ve done anything wrong here

long story short- I pay my pre agreed amount towards bills and living costs each month and have also contributed £1200 over the last 2 months towards holiday savings so Aibu to think I shouldn’t be shouted at by dh in regards to not contributing?

That's worrying.

When reading the OP, my initial thought was I could understand to an extent if this was a process of struggling with the realisation that his treats had been fuelled by a disproportionate share of the spending money that was no longer going to continue. If it was ignorance that was now being remedied with a couple of hard lessons and he might need a day or two to get his head round it. But the more you post, the more it seems that isn't it. The resentment sounds very damaging.

Stick to your guns on this as it is your savings and if you were more careful one month than he was so yo uhave spare money that is very good of you and you have that money - he doesn't.

He is mad because the op isn’t supposed to expect to be treated like a real person who not only brings in a salary and looks after dc but also expects a fair share of money to spend on herself. He is a self absorbed twat who is at least borderline financially abusive, good on you for realising this op. But, I’m concerned you’re still spending your free money on family while he pisses his up the wall. Is he putting the same amt towards holidays? What about this trip next week- are you paying everything for the dc because he isn’t going?

I’d be petty and say I paid for our dc to have a holiday out of my spending money you’re very welcome. But shouldn’t I be raging that you have t contributed? Isn’t it disgusting I now don’t have that money to spend on myself? Or does that only apply to you? (I can see why you are reconsidering the relationship)

You've done exactly the right thing, don't back down now! Keep reminding him that he's spent years spending all of the disposable income, leaving you with nothing. Now he has to stick within his half, no negotiation. At least you're not making him pay you back for his years of excess.

I'd squirrel away some of your half as personal savings, because you're discovering he's a bit of an arse, who you'll want to leave at some point.

He’s been sponging off you for years by the sounds of it.

People only think he’s a nice guy because that’s how he present himself, if he openly said I financially abuse my wife they’d think differently.

Dhs ex financially abused him for years, everyone thinks she’s nice too. His mums Facebook friends with her. She doesn’t even like his mum.

A man who thinks he gets to spend all his money and then wants all of yours for himself…how disgusting.

He's pissed off more of his higher income is going into household expenses. So now he's expecting you to bail him out. Some men are selfish twats. They want a wife and children while still living a single life. Just give him enough so he's not going overdrawn. But he'll just have to be more careful in future and keep an eye on what he's spending.

I am a single parent of 2, I work full time and earn significantly less than you. Granted eldest DD is working and makes a small contribution towards bills and food but I survive on it. Hell would freeze over before I let a man control me and my money like this again.

I was significantly worse off when still married as my ex expected me to contribute half all household bills and food even though I earned significantly less than him. He was blowing ridiculous amounts on booze and I was struggling and spending all my money on things for the kids as he didn't contribute to clothes or family days out unless he was there which was rare as he'd rather be drinking. Even now, 6 years after our divorce he makes snide comments to our dd about anything he knows I've spent money on for myself (new shoes, a new car- not that that's really for my sole benefit!) but there's fuck all he can do about it! Meanwhile he's lying to the tax man and the CMS about his income and owns 2 houses... but I'm happy and I no longer have to put up with his shit! Get out!!!

That's exactly it.

Kept her in the dark while he spends away.

And now he can't.

Poor lamb.

You could both add up what you have spent on yourselves over the past few months - drinks, golf, nights out, new clothes, gigs, weekends away - and see who's spent more. Seeing it laid out like that might convince your h that he's being a dick.

But it sounds as though you're queuing the whole relationship. I don't blame you.

Good luck with whatever you decide. 💐

Querying, not queueing!

Stick to your guns...he needs to budget better or suck it up.

Providing you're contributing equally relevant to your portion on the total income what you do with your leftover personal money is up to you.

He's presumably just pissed off that he'll have no money to go out of jollies for the next couple of weeks.

I’d remind him he has more than you each month so needs to budget better.

OP, I've only read your posts so apologies if I'm repeating what others have said - but it sounds to me like you've been funding a fabulous lifestyle for him for years. That he was able to spend whenever he liked while you scrimped and saved. Now he's furious that's not the case any more.

Definitely do not go back to sharing all money.

You should do this. Of course you should do this. He is in no way entitled to more family money than you, just because he is earning more. And why tf are you buying the children's days out from your own money. That comes out of joint money each and every time. DH and I get £200 per month each to spend. He earns £50k and I earn £25k. Other times I earned more. We are a partnership. How can your (not very D) H think you are worth less than him?

Yes we also do it that way

Separate accounts, but we contribute a percentage of our income to the joint account. We usually earn around the same. Sometimes I earn more, sometimes DH earns more. Overall, I expect it evens out in the end

Key point is - there are loads of ways of managing household income, no right or wrong way, but it needs to be away that both parties are content with

While it sounds like he’s he’s been overspending and taking more than his fair share when you pooled all finances, his attitude saying it’s disgusting you have more money left than him (because you were more cautious about your spending outside of necessary bills) is a really worrying attitude. It suggests to me he is actually affronted that you have more disposable cash than him because he sees you as lesser. Does he have any sexist attitudes generally, because ot sounds almost like as his wife he doesn’t think you should have a better financial situation than he does. And if this is how he thinks, that sounds pretty sexist to me.

Combined income of around,£100k and arguing over money. After bills and savings you each have many hundreds of pounds to spend on yourselves.
Some people...
Anyone thinking of setting up home, marrying or sharing a living space with a friend ought to read a month's worth of Mumsnet articles then smile, pick a destination and treat themselves to a luxurious holiday...alone.

@ExCoffeeAddict i'm going to hazard a guess it's not just the spending money on himself situation that's unfair but the spending time on himself situation too as I'm guessing his weekends are spent golfing and going out drinking whilst your at home with your joint child?

According to your current system, after you both contribute towards family expenses, he has slightly more spending money than you do. So if he has burnt through it, two weeks before payday, the answer cannot be that you unfairly kept family money on yourself, because, according to your system, the family money is kept separately from your own spending money. So the only possible answer is that he has been spending more than he earns(a LOT more, if he is only halfway through the month and has already run out of spending money.) The only way this makes sense is if, in the past, he has been spending YOUR money on his leisure activities, as well as his own money.

So you've been subbing his Mr nice guy largesse for years. I save for birthdays, Xmas for family I think he still believes Santa and the fairies bring everything. His hobby costs thousands every year think yachting. I really don't care BUT my saved income is mine

I think couples should put all money into one pot, have a spreadsheet or something on all bills and discuss extra spendings, however this only works if you're actually both reasonable people. He isn't.

He is bad with money and not a nice person. He shouldn't be acting like a spoilt brat over spending all his own money.

Just don’t tell him what you have left each month. Is it any of his business really? If he asks, just don’t tell him. Me and my husband have something similar where we both pay into a joint pot for bills, and the rest of our wages are for each of us to do with as we please. It works well. But neither of us checks how much the other has left.

No, I don’t think that’s remotely fair at all. Men are invariable bettter paid and don’t take career breaks for child bearing and rearing.

Fair to my mind is when you both put into a central pot for bills and then the amount that’s left over is split 50/50.

That’s genuine equality.

In my case, I probably spend more disposable income on my sewing hobby buying fabric etc. as DH’s hobbies are much cheaper. Second hand books. 🤷🏻‍♀️