Massive row about money

[ExCoffeeAddict]

’d’h and I have been together 14 years married for 10 1dc

until around 6 months ago all money went into one pot where all bills and spendings came from and we set money aside for savings. But I never seemed to have any money doing this. I felt like I had no control over what I could buy myself because I never really knew if something was pending payment or there was an unexpected bill etc whereas H was able to blow £££ on nights out golf trips etc so I had enough and we agreed to split our money so now we pay x amount into a joking account for bills the rest is our own

key point is H pays more into the pot than me but he technically should also have slightly more left over for himself

last night h was saying he has no money left it’s 2 weeks till payday but I have a few hundred £ and he was so angry saying I don’t contribute enough to our savings and that I was taking the piss to have £££ in my account when he has none

I have been careful with my money that’s not all left from my last wage I don’t spend every penny I get every month and I knew I needed some extra money for a trip next week that I’m having with dc

he said I don’t put enough into savings for holiday- but over the last 2 months I have paid out £1200 towards holiday costs

maybe a massive reach(?) but I feel that now he doesn’t have full control over the money he’s still trying to have control? He was really really angry and I don’t actually think I’ve done anything wrong here

long story short- I pay my pre agreed amount towards bills and living costs each month and have also contributed £1200 over the last 2 months towards holiday savings so Aibu to think I shouldn’t be shouted at by dh in regards to not contributing?

He's been spending your money on himself and now he's whinging because he can't. He'll have to stop being shit with money then. Don't share your money with him. It sounds like he should be paying for the holiday in compensation.

The ‘all in one pot’ approach only works if you have shared values on money and are both reasonably disciplined about spending. Otherwise do what you’re doing now - joint account plus your own accounts. A fair proportion goes into the joint account.

How does he know what you’ve got left? We don’t have access to each other’s personal account.

Push back hard over this - he’s spent his money on his stuff - oh dear, he’s now got none left.

How does he know how much money you have left in your personal spending pot this month? Does he ask you? Do you tell him? If so, there's the solution. Don't tell him. If you decide not to spend it all this month it's nothing to do with him and you're not accountable to him. You're married to a spender and you're clearly more careful with your money. He'll want what you don't spend if you let him know you've got it, so don't let him know. If he asks say you've only got a few quid left till the end of the month.

Personally I believe every woman needs a secret stash of cash just in case things go badly wrong — and I certainly think this applies in your case. He sounds like the kind of man who'll expect your half of the money for him to spend if it's in your account. So open another account that he doesn't know about and siphon some of the money into it.

Like other posters have said, set yourself up a secret account and start hiving off any extra money into there. I used to do this in a previous relationship by taking out small amounts of cashback at the supermarket each week and then paying the cash into a building society and binning all the supermarket / banking receipts.

He's been spending all his money and dipping into yours for years. If he's out of money two weeks before payday he's got a serious spending and / or debt problem that you seem to be unaware of.

We use Monzo with pots for every type of expense - groceries, bills, haircuts, joy fund, long term savings. We find it makes budgeting easier, and everything very transparent between us.

We also have a set and equal amount of personal spends each month which is transferred out to our personal account.

Hubby earns significantly more than me but considers half his salary mine and vice versa.

It's possible once he realises how much more you spend on dc and less on yourself (golf etc) and show him how he gets this free time because you have dc (which saves childcare costs for these extras) he can see that your childcare contributions for a child you share equally make up that difference in what you put in

I don’t understand how sone folks are so confused. It’s nothing to fo with childcare, she works, and they pay In a proportionate amount of their salaries to the joint account. He has more disposable income than her after this. He has spent all his and now wants hers. He has been spending her money on himself, nights out and golf for years, and he’s now pissed as he’s spent all his in two weeks.

Ps YANBU, he sounds childish that he’s spent this and now throwing his dummy out but if you’re having multiple rows about it maybe he’s genuinely stressed about money. Maybe you need to tweak how you’re dealing with it and make everything more equal and transparent.

Op just tell him straight, he’s more disposable income than you and it’s up to him to manage his personal spends, he cannot have your personal spends too

Do you both put the same percentage in the joint pot?

It should be that you both pay the same percentage but not necessarily the same amount.

So if you both pay in 50% and you earn £20k you’d only be putting in £10k and if he earns £100k he’d be putting in £50k.
Which is a big difference of who’s contributing towards the majority of bills but it means he also has a lot more money for himself so it works out fair.

If the joint pot is for bills then it doesn’t matter if he blew all of his money because he doesn’t actually need it.

I think having a joint pot is a great idea.

It sounds like he is annoyed that you are better at budgeting than he is and he’s now acting like a spoilt child because he spent all of his.

Yanbu.

You were right to want a new system.

Joint accounts dont work if he's taking it all and yours.

And on top of that he's been unpleasant in the way he spoke to you about it. So I understand why you dont want to speak to him this morning. He doesn't sound very respectful.

People paying a percentage of their wage into the joint account in accordance to how much they earn in comparison to their partner thinking they're being fair is a bit of a stretch. Nothing else takes wages into account. A £4 drink is going to cost £4 regardless of how much is earned. so unless all money goes into one account as is split equally, or the partner earning more is making up the difference on every expense, life is going to be more expensive for the person earning less

It’s really not that much about £200
I have around £600 left over after bills he can have £800+ if he has a good month

This is what we do.

Can you both put an equal percentage of your incomes into a joint pot for bills and savings and holidays - say 70% each per month? Then you have whats left for yourselves and when its spent its gone until the next payday.
Would that leave you with enough for you? I agree don't be subsidising his social life!

Imagine if a man were told to do that - I was so innocent I didn't realise what my EXH was up to with loads of cash a few months before he left. I have no idea how much he took the bastard.

@Thesefeetaremadeforwalking

OP,

Sounds like you are waking up to the fact that you are with a nasty controlling piece of work.

He doesn't want you to have your own money.
It reads to me as if he has kept you very short by overspending and denying you access.

This is financial abuse.
Keep your money to yourself and start thinking about do you want to be with someone who speaks to you like that.

He sounds awful.

Thanks for your replies everyone to answer a few points
h earns around £50k I earn around £45k he puts around £2/300 more into the account we both work FT and childcare doesn’t really cost us anything

how does he know what I have left well that was my mistake because I bloody told him. His friends asked us to go for a drink yesterday afternoon and I said I’d pay for the drinks and he asked how much money I had left and told him

but later when he was being an arse about it (he was saying he was RAGING and it was DISGUSTING that I had so much and he has nothing) I told him I shouldn’t have said anything and he wouldn’t have known as it’s none of his buisness
I should have kept my mouth shut

Well that just goes to show how much of your share of the money he was spending when it was all in one pot.

Now that your share isn’t subsidising his golf trips, reality is biting. Poor diddums.

@Boredsoentertainme

did YOU not read it? It's NOT what they do.

@ExCoffeeAddict I think what @NuffSaidSam has explained is a better way to do it. All money into joint, all bills/savings (including holiday) accounted for and the remainder shared equally as 'spends'

then you get equal 'spends' & he can't accuse you of not paying in dnough, well he can, but then it's easy to ask why he thinks you should have less than him to spend? If he says because he earns more than you I'd be seriously looking at the relationship.

Hes not got your back.

It’s a good system to have and I agree this would be worth looking at if I wasn’t questioning if I even want to be in this relationship anymore

That was ment to be a reply to @Boredsoentertainme

Poor money management on those salaries. People live on less than one of your wages.

Agree he's finicially abusive. What has he actually spent his wage on? There's 2 of you! So in 2 weeks he's spent all his salary?

I think it's you who needs to be asking the questions!

Yes.

And why does he even know how much you have, OP.

He sounds abusive and selfish. Can you support yourself and DC if necessary?