Massive row about money

[ExCoffeeAddict]

’d’h and I have been together 14 years married for 10 1dc

until around 6 months ago all money went into one pot where all bills and spendings came from and we set money aside for savings. But I never seemed to have any money doing this. I felt like I had no control over what I could buy myself because I never really knew if something was pending payment or there was an unexpected bill etc whereas H was able to blow £££ on nights out golf trips etc so I had enough and we agreed to split our money so now we pay x amount into a joking account for bills the rest is our own

key point is H pays more into the pot than me but he technically should also have slightly more left over for himself

last night h was saying he has no money left it’s 2 weeks till payday but I have a few hundred £ and he was so angry saying I don’t contribute enough to our savings and that I was taking the piss to have £££ in my account when he has none

I have been careful with my money that’s not all left from my last wage I don’t spend every penny I get every month and I knew I needed some extra money for a trip next week that I’m having with dc

he said I don’t put enough into savings for holiday- but over the last 2 months I have paid out £1200 towards holiday costs

maybe a massive reach(?) but I feel that now he doesn’t have full control over the money he’s still trying to have control? He was really really angry and I don’t actually think I’ve done anything wrong here

long story short- I pay my pre agreed amount towards bills and living costs each month and have also contributed £1200 over the last 2 months towards holiday savings so Aibu to think I shouldn’t be shouted at by dh in regards to not contributing?

Agree you need to have a proper conversation about money & agree how to deal with it. Your Dh sounds to have pretty poor financial skills.(As does my DH - for years I basically managed our finances completely on my own, he would just transfer me enough for his half of the rent & bills each month, but I got fed up of it as he was continually overspending, apparently it was my fault for not asking him to do the transfer on the correct day each month. So now we have a joint account for the bills which all our income goes into & neither of us takes anything out except for once a month we transfer the excess amount out after rent, bills etc have been calculated.)

If your DH resists coming to an agreement where you have a broadly equal amount of money to spend, I'd ask him straight out why he thinks he should have the lion's share of the disposable income. Put him on the spot to explain himself.

Why does childcare not cost you anything, who does the majority of it? Who does/historically did it, also the housework etc?

My DH earns more money than me. I work part time. We both put all our wages into our joint account for mortgage, bills food, repairs, holidays etc. He transfers us each an equal amount of pocket money a month to spend on ourselves. I use mine to buy my clothes, have my hair done and go out with my friends. He doesn’t go out as much as I do so always seems to have pocket money left over each month. Which is fine. This system works well and he manages our finances well.

I don’t think it’s fair you pay in less than him. You only earn £5k a year less so why not pay half? After all the costs are actually half.

Other than that, yes, you should keep your own money. I had a situation with my ex where all money went into a joint pot. I was always trying to cut our spending and he was walking around with wads of cash. I was the main earner and contributor but wanted to save. It doesn’t really work to give your other half access to your money when they have other priorities. He fleeced me in the divorce.

"I felt like I had no control over what I could buy myself because I never really knew if something was pending payment or there was an unexpected bill etc whereas H was able to blow £££ on nights out golf trips etc"

"he was saying he was RAGING and it was DISGUSTING that I had so much and he has nothing"

Lots of good practical solutions above but the real issue is that he is acting like a childish twat. He has nothing because he's pissed it up the wall, and he lost access to your money because he was pissing that up the wall too.

Counselling? Solo for you?

It doesn't sound like he's trying to control, more that he can't budget his own money and it wasn't an issue before as he could spend yours! Sounds like he needs to learn how to manage his money..

What @edwinbear said.

The problem here is that he's obviously got used to spending thousands a month on his own personal indulgences and now he 'only' has at least £800 pm, and its still not enough (wtf?) then he's now being both an abusive arse and a spoilt child about it all.

As you can afford to live on your own OP, sounds like its time for an ultimatum. He either grows up and lives within his (considerable) means or you separate and he probably has less money than he does now as he'll be paying for full housing/bills himself plus child maintenance to you.

Put it this way, things can be worked out where there is good communication.
"he can have a real nasty streak when he’s had a drink and the next day apologises and expects me to just forget about it"
How often does he drink?
Is your child there when these rows are taking place, when he's is being abusive to you. If the child is there, then obviously you have to try to hush everything up for the sake of the child and so that's how women sometimes end up accepting aggression from men.
Sounds like you have been accepting his bad behaviour towards you for years.
It sounds like you just don't say anything about that. You just go silent and are 'not speaking' for a while which I doubt he even notices much.
It'll keep going on unless you rise up and address it.
When it's just the two of you and both of you are calm, then tell him that you no longer can accept being spoken to like a piece of shit. That the words and tone of voice are dismissive, aggressive and controlling.
He's not a child he's an adult. Stop excusing his behaviour because he's 'had a drink'. You deserve better, just like any human deserves to be spoken to with respect regardless of the situation.
There's a book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It's probably in your local library.

Carry on as you are. Match what he puts into the joint account (despite him earning £5K more) because it takes away any small stick he has to beat you with.

Keep your 50% of the ‘joint’ savings g separate. He won’t save what he’s supposed to, so as soon as you’re expected to cover his share, decide enough is enough and leave.

Yeah, but I wouldn't want someone staying in the marriage just to save money.

Yeah fuck that. He’s been low-level financially abusing you for years. Keeping you skint by spending all your money on his expensive hobbies.

He’s having a massive tantrum now he can’t spend your money any more. Up to you to decide what you want to do now that you’re seeing who he actually is.

For the solvent, the great thing about cash is that when it's gone it's gone.
Replacing the joint account debit card with weekly cash saves me at least £5,000 each year.

He is being v unreasonable. He sounds like he is irresponsible with money and if he is treating you like this after drinking, he needs to stop drinking.

I would spreadsheet your money and his money - so he can see where it is going and why you are able to have money left over. I would do this before winter (as cost of living will increase and he may get more frustrated). Cutting back on his drinking would have a benefit of saving money and not being abusive

OP it sounds like you are now doing everything right to ensure financial stability for yourself and your family as a whole. He sounds like he overspent previously on your money, and is now pissed off he has to budget. He needs to just get used to it, or you decide it’s a deal breaker and leave him. Whatever happens, stop telling him how much money you have left. Move it to a personal savings account if you need to.

As an aside, when DP and I moved in together we had a conversation about joint expenses and now do similar to you, with the exception that we have a joint savings account too that only gets dipped in to if we both agree we need to. It works, but that’s because we both have similar attitudes to spending and neither one would take the piss with joint money.

He sounds controlling OP, many men use money to control women. The shouting at you during drinking would be enough for me to leave.

id be very concerned about his nasty way of speaking to you.

He’s trying to bully & brow beat you into submission.

He’s very childish. He’s eaten his sweets & now he wants your too.

No permutation of how money is split will suit this selfish arse biscuit.

He is a man child who is having a tantrum because he spent all his spends and now wants yours. Don't let him have your spending money OP. You need to be building a fuck off fund incase it all kicks off. So good to know you could support DC on your salary. Plus you would get child maintenance of you did more than 50 percent parenting. He is being financially abusive and you earn almost as much as him. Don't let him bully you. Don't hand over your cash and in future don't tell him how much you have left. If he asks just say not much left till payday.

I'm not sure why your OH pays more into the joint account when you earn more or less the same? If you both paid the same amount into the joint account, he really would have no argument at all, it would be down to his own money management skills with regards to his leftover money.

So he is saying that he preferred it when he had lots to spend from your joint pot and you had nothing. Nice.

Sorry hit yabu by mistake

Could this be the biggest issue?

Or do you want to accept this is how he is?

The money system is fair and doesn't need changing. He just doesn't like it.

He pays a couple of hundred more because he earns £5k more than OP. That is fair. If she pays in extra £200 then again she gets less. She needs to stick to her guns. DH and I earn similar amounts and both keep our own earnings but both put £1200 into joint to cover mortgage and household bills. I am expecting we will need to pay in 1400 each in Oct with increase in utilities. Whatever we have left is ours to spend as we please. I save more and DH spends more but he would never ask to spend my money I have not spent.

You are obviously not being unreasonable OP but for the sake of £5K difference in salary I would just make the amount equal that you put in and then he has no argument.

The onus is then on him to manage his own spending every month which he has not been doing as he has been dipping into yours up until this point. I would definitely stick to my guns though and rather then telling him that you have £600 left next month, put that money away somewhere safe and tell what is actually in your account i.e. £100 or whatever.

We both get paid into a Starling joint account.

This money is then automatically sent to "pots" within the account for literally EVERYTHING -

direct debits (mortgage, insurances, car insurance, energy, council tax, mobiles, internet/Tv, DVLA etc) - all direct debits are paid from this "pot"
car maintenance
house maintenance
kids clothes
our clothes
haircuts
prescriptions
dentists
holidays
birthdays
Xmas
groceries weeks 1-4 (separate pot for each week) includes toiletries for all
savings
charity
emergency
kids bus fare
kids lunches
kids breakfast club
kids music lessons
separate one for each subs for each kids activity
family spends (eg like getting an icecream after a walk or going to pub for a drink)
Treats pot - we put in my modest summer bonus, things like the two months' worth of council tax we don't pay in Feb March, plus when we have a saving - eg no bus fares for kids in the summer. We then use this for bigger days out or for holidays or for me and DH to go out. Or if someone needs eg a new bike or a new iPad.

Once we have divided all that up there is little left tbh.

We then each have a personal Starling account to which we send an agreed amount for car charging when we are out and about (we have elec. cars and mainly charge at home but DH drives a lot and needs to charge at work too sometimes, as do I), and £50 each spending money for the month (this is for getting a coffee or having a drink with a friend or a pizza out).

And that's it. We don't have expensive hobbies or expensive nights out nor buy many clothes. Eg I need some new jeans so i will wait till there is enough money in our clothes pot and then I will buy them - DH won't mind. He needs to get his shoes resoled and so he will probably take the following month's clothes money to do that.

He earns just over half what I do but we both work full time and very hard, I don't feel that I somehow deserve more spending money than he does.

We have been rubbish at keeping track of spending until we started using this pot system. It really helps. As you can actually SEE how much you have left. If I am doing the tesco order I can SEE that I have £x in this weeks "groceries" pot and that I have to fit the order to what I have. If I absolutely need to spend more then I have to borrow from next weeks groceries pot.

That really helps as we were spending £1200 a month on groceries sometimes - just buying whatever whenever took our fancy, sometimes it was clocking up on a credit card. Now we are spending £600 max.

It does sound like your DH is a spender who doesn't really stick to just spending what he has. He needs to work on that - he might find the pots system works well.

The point here is not that the OP could make minor tweaks to who puts how much into the joint account, it's that the OP has lost trust in her husband's financial management and his role as her 'D' H.
A running away fund is the first step OP, then you can afford not to back down if he kicks off.

In our house, all money earned goes in to our joint account and we each have a spending account that is allocated the same amount weekly.

What we choose to do with that money is completely up to us individually, spend/save/whatever, no questions asked. As we get the same amount each there's no arguments of fairness.

Your DH is being unfair in the scenario that you have presented.